Pasta Emoji Ratings

A classic, nice simple sauce, would eat this no problem. Probably tastes pure and the kids would love it. 7/10

Fun, simple, but dangerously close to Mac n Cheese with that level of orange saturation. They would probably steal your labeled food from the fridge, simply shameful. Not sure what the purple spots are either, not sure if i’d eat this one. 5/10


Shameful, it appears to be a few noodles left on a plate, what a waste. Would not eat someone’s leftovers. 0/10

Elegant, simple, modern. Reminiscent of a pizza, which is a fresh new way to approach the subject. The stray noodle is a little worrying, but for the most part they’re a hardworking, well put together pasta. Would hang this up in my modern art gallery. 8/10

Not sure how to feel about this one. While the sauce is one of the best renditions I’ve seen, beautiful detail, the rest of the dish is lacking. The leaves look dangerous, like those delinquents that try to roll with the pure kids, but we’re onto them. I love the symmetry of the three noodles rising from the sauce, would eat them for sure. Not so sure about the rest. 6/10

Fake. This obviously canned pasta is trying to play itself off as genuine, unforgivable. While the taste is probably fine, a pasta you’d let your daughter hang out with, it doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s a filthy liar. would not eat for fear of my health. 2/10 

A very small noodle, good with young children, tries their best at all times. It has the perfect portion of sauce for such a tiny thing, and it deserves all it can get. I would eat this, but gently, as not to intimidate it. 9/10

Magnificent! Tasty! A real winner of a dish! The attention to detail and shading simply astonishes me. This dish is to die for, and the kind you’d bring home to your mother. Simply lovely, would definitely eat. 10/10

This is just abhorrent, not tasty at all. The choice of thick white noodles surrounded by a yellow liquid, while an interesting take, is incredibly inaccurate and tasteless. Would not eat, especially with that trident thing. 1/10

flavourless, an absolute bore of a dish. White I appreciate the detail of the cell shaded noodles, they lack charisma and courage. Would be a true pure friend, someone you can rely on, but very easily manipulated and a momma’s boy. Need’s more saturation if it want’s to roll with the big boys. 4/10. 

I feel like this is a failed attempt at what HTC excelled at. The abstract look they’re going for just doesn’t execute well at all. And that black border feel’s very threatening and hostile, as if I’m not allowed to eat it. The kind of pasta who has problems with it’s masculinity. Probably wouldn’t eat. 3/10

Why the fuck is there chocolate syrup on my pasta. 0/10

Skyrim jazbay crostata

Jazbay grapes are found on rocky terrain or near hot springs throughout Skyrim. Their rich flavour is so prized that in olden times, permission was required from the Emperor to pick them. While they are no longer banned to the common folk, gathering jazbay is tiresome as they are still rare. If you manage to get your hands on some though, this delicious crostata is perfect for regenerating your magicka (and it tastes amazing too)!

You will need:
Pastry
250g flour
124g butter, very cold and diced
25g caster sugar
2 large egg yolks
3 tbsp milk
Pinch of salt

Filling
3 cups red seedless grapes
½ cup mascarpone cheese
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp heavy cream
1 tsp lemon juice
1 egg yolk
Butter, for brushing

Method:
For the pastry, place the flour, butter, salt, and sugar into a food processor and blend until the consistency of breadcrumbs has been reached. Add the egg yolks and milk, then blend again until the dough forms.

Turn the dough onto a floured surface and knead briefly, then wrap in cling film and chill for at least 30 minutes.

Preheat your oven to 205C/400F. Roll out your pastry dough into a centimetre-thick circle with a slight well in the centre (think of a pizza) and set aside on a greased baking tray. Don’t worry if it’s not perfect!

Combine the mascarpone, lemon juice, vanilla, cream, egg yolk, and sugar. Whip until fluffy and spoon into the well of the pastry. Brush the exposed pastry generously with butter.

Top evenly with grapes and bake for 45-50 minutes. If the pastry browns too quickly, cover your crostata with tin foil for the remaining time.