I MAY REGRET THIS. BUT. TEACH ME THE BASEBALL
well friend there are two kinds: there is professional baseball, wherein 9 men take turns standing in a designated spot to hit a ball, thrown by a professional ball thrower who is so admirably pushing against his body and physics itself. they hit this ball, hopefully, in a spot where their 9 opponents will not be able to catch or stop it, eventually returning to the spot they tried to hit the ball from, which counts as a run. then y’know you get enough runs you win the game. they play on a diamond because they are all about GLAMOUR,
they get in cute formation because they are all probably Beyonce fans like hi who wouldn’t be
important things to remember about the positions:
- catchers have the best butts because their job is doing squats (except the dodgers’ catcher AJ Ellis BUT WE’LL GET TO THAT)
- first baseman are, like, all ex catchers who decided they didn’t want to squat anymore at some point but they’re tall so that’s a plus
- second base doesn’t actually play anywhere fuckin near second base that often so idk what the fuck that’s about but like sure guys let’s lie to the people. chase utley is a second baseman and he is a sociopath that tells u all u need to know tbh!!!!!
- shortstops – SHOCKINGLY USUALLY SHORT. nimble. tiny sprites of the field! always delightful! (except corey seager who is a ginormous BUT WE’LL GET TO THAT)
- third basemen are too tall to play shortstop so they go there. gotta be down with diving into the stands to catch a ball at some point. they will not catch the ball, but they will look SUPER RAD. the dodgers’ is tormund from game of thrones! he’s real cute. even though i hate him rn BUT WE’LL GET TO THAT.
- left, right, center field – well not to be too delicate but if you’re a big ol’ herb and a good hitter and they just need a reason to have u on the field so u can be that good ass hitter for them, WELCOME 2 THE OUTFIELD SON! but they are very important. if u wanna marry a ball player these are ur dudes they can play forever.
- pitchers – magical beautiful genetic freaks. every single one. their elbow will try to escape their body in protest at some point and it will be sad. their legs hold all their power so they are all shockingly thick!!!!!! but their arms aren’t IT’S REAL WEIRD but like i said– genetic freaks. i love them a lot and i will protect them forever (except for the Dodgers’ BUT WE’LL GET TO THAT)
then there is DODGER baseball, WHERE NOBODY FUCKING HITS ANYTHING ANYWHERE AND SOMETIMES THEY HIT IT SO DIRECTLY AND WITH SUCH LASER FUCKING PRECISION TOWARDS THEIR OPPONENTS THAT 2 DUDES ARE ELIMINATED AT ONCE, BUT WHEN THEIR OPPONENTS DO IT THEY SURE THE FUCK CAN’T CATCH IT!!!! WHOSE PROFESSIONAL BALL THROWERS ARE ALL ON FIRE AND WORSE THAN ANAL BLEEDING (except for Clayton Edward Kershaw, first of his name, leader of the hurlers and the legendary men, ruler of the great dirt mound, etc) AND WHO MAKE ME REGRET LOVING THEM PRETTY MUCH ALL THE TIME.
LIKE IS IT EVEN A SPORT WHEN THEY PLAY IT? I’M NOT SURE THAT IS A QUESTION FOR SCIENCE. LEANING TOWARDS NO, THOUGH. LEANING TOWARDS THIS WHOLE TEAM IS [FERTILIZER]*. EVERYONE ON OUR TEAM HAS GLASS BONES OR CAN’T SEE OR WORSE IS JOSH PEDICURE (*angel emoji*). EVEN OUR CATCHER HAS A FLAT BUTT. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW WE’VE GOTTEN SO FAR.
but the most important thing to remember about baseball is that the s*n f*ansisco giants are the most evil team of all time and they live in a volcano where they routinely offer dogs and cats as sacrifices to the darkest of lords which u know because their star player is somehow named fucking GERALD like as if any force of good would allow a dude named GERALD to be gassed.
anyway that’s baseball give or take a bunch of nuances WHICH I AM HAPPY 2 ADDRESS AT ANY TIME. except the infield fly rule i don’t understand that, nobody understands that, anyone who says they do is a liar. the sf giants probably say they understand it and you know all about them!!!!!!!!!! I’M VERY SORRY TO HAVE BROUGHT U TO THIS POINT IN UR LIFE BUT ALSO WELCOME I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE
GINGER, OFFICIAL DODGERS EXPERT & TEAM MOM**
*THAT’S A VIN SCULLY JOKE SHOUTS TO U VIN HE’S FED UP TOO
**self appointed obvi