I don’t know quite what to say. But what i was going to say was that I was going to kill myself. I had a big old note written out and everything, but I really shouldn’t do that. The “Saturday post” was going to be a long suicide note I wrote on Monday. It’s gone now.
But either was the issue was/is me. I just feel guilty a lot of stuff, more or less all tying I to the fact that I have a tendency to be abusive and in the last few months I’ve been really out of line now to clarify what I meant when I said abusive is entirely verbal and emotional, nothing physical (fortunately), but I generally manipulate people to get attention/and or use them to calm my own fears of feeling rejected.
This would generally result in me lashing out in rage when I didn’t feel like things weren’t going how I liked, and I brought a lot of pain in to other people’s lives without any reason. All of the rights and issues were almost always caused by me and they all could’ve been avoided.
Ever since I was very young, I have enjoyed inflicting pain. When my parents ignored me I took it my feelings of smallness, fear and lack of control out on anything I could. I literally treated stuffed animals like they were living beings who could feel pain and then torture them for hours. This all started when I was like 4-5.
I used to think that was some bizarre thing that I just did as a kid, but now that I know more and can look back at it I can see what happened. Ever since I was very young, whenever I was sad or something I always got a “you’re fine”, “you can’t be sad after all I’ve done for you”, or “Don’t feel that way". I never really attached to my mother. I was always terrified. And I took those feelings out on anything smaller than me. Something else had to feel my pain, or be fully subjected to me. It felt validating. Then I wouldn’t feel so bad.
So through the years, that’s become my personality pattern. Always seeking attention and taking out emotional pain on everyone around me and then getting upset when they leave. I never have figured out some other way to cope. I did it to my ex-girlfriend and she left, as she should have. She didn’t deserve any of the things that I said to her.
Everything that I’ve done is 100% my fault. Sometimes I feel fine amd everything is great but then my mood implodes and I can only hold back for so long before I lash out again. It’s a cycle.
I’m pretty sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It describes how I behave and feel exactly. 60-80% of people who perpetrate domestic violence in the U.S. have it apparently. I don’t want to grow up to be like that. I don’t want to be this way, I wish I never grew up all wrong.
My mother refuses to say I have a problem and I’m too afraid to bring it up. But I don’t want to wait on treatment because it just keeps getting worse. If I can’t cut this part of myself out, I will literally kill myself. I can’t live with it.
It can be cured since it’s not a mental disorder. It can be fixed with therapy to restructure how you cope with extreme emotions. But I don’t know when or if I’d be able to get the help. I need help. Very much. Before I alienate everyone in my life. I need to change but without professional help I’m stuck at this point.
While I live with my mother, it’s never going to happen, but how can I move out without being homeless?
I feel is so guilty and ashamed about who i am and what I’ve become