So on my break early this morning there was a small group of us sitting outside and the next thing I knew we were watching these ridiculous animal youtube videos and they were going on and on about ducks have corkscrew penises. I can never ever look at a duck the same way again…
Lately, I’ve been seeing this world with nothing but pure emptiness. So, when I do things that aren’t according to what I promised you, and what I told myself I won’t ever do again, please understand me and forgive me. If I lose myself along the way, please at least try to understand why I did it because I can’t understand, myself, why I’m being like this. When I finally lose it, promise me you won’t. Because I want you to stay here. Maybe not with me anymore because I don’t know where I’m heading, I guess that’s some place I can never tell where or what it’ll look like. I can never tell you how does it feel like or what it looks like but maybe someday I can, just not now. Just not the same time as mine. I have to do it first, before you.
battle-goblin took such good shots this weekend at the Ren Faire, but she just sent me one of them with no warning, and I’m like 10 degrees warmer than I was before I saw this photo. I can never look at Eric Brown the same way ever again.
Beauty is in the eye of the camera holder, she says.
“Did I ever tell you what the definition of insanity is? Insanity is doing the exact same fucking thing, over and over again, expecting shit to change.”
That is a perspective that I haven’t looked at before. I used to think that things change, that people can change, and that maybe second chances are worth giving. Simply because change might happen. But now I stick to the idea that people can’t change. Sure, they may want to, but people never change. If someone has screwed you over before, and you let them re-enter your life, chances are they will again. And you know, maybe that’s my fault for expecting different of people. Expecting people to mature as they age, maybe not do the same things that they did when they were younger. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to rely on people. Because if someone has ruined you before, they will again. People don’t change. Their ways don’t change. They just find better ways to enter, and ruin your life. I’m insane for allowing it to happen.
I’ve been depressed since I was 15. I started cutting at the same age and have kept cutting on and off since then. I have destroyed my body looking for temporary peace. I don’t regret it, I have lost everything I have ever loved or held sacred. This was my momentary relief from it all. Either way I will never know the touch of another women ever again so the scars over my chest and legs will never be seen. I don’t see myself having the future that I craved since I was a kid. I wanted a loving wife, children a house of my own to be surrounded by family and love, to have a good education and job. That will never happen for me, it’s like I can feel it in my bones. Instead all I see is misery, loneliness, pain and suffering, turmoil and agony. Wishing for things that will never come true.
It’s time to face the facts. I’m a bum with not a single friend who cares for my well being, who dropped out of school because I got dumped by my first love and couldn’t handle it. Who is unable to work because I am so utterly unhealthy because of my diabetes along with mental health. Who is unable to even look at a girl let alone talk to one, lost all self esteem and is put down daily by the people I live with.
The only time, and I literally mean the only time since I was 15 that I have been blissfully happy was when I had a close friend that I use to see daily. Multiple times daily actually. It got my mind off all the crap that happens in this house and slowly but surly she was raising my self esteem and making me feel good about myself. Of course I went and fucked it all up because thats what I do and it is entirely my fault things went south and it seems that was my dying hope and light.
Now that I’m alone I must learn to live with myself and all the horrible things I’ve become and I honestly don’t see the point in living anymore. What is the purpose of a hermit, loveless life?
I need external help yet I can’t reach out and ask for that because the few people I did know would and do find me a burden. My mental health and the fact that I would rely on them so heavily made them push me away.
Some people are just born to tragedy and suffering I guess. I will either continue to live in pain or accidentally take my own life. I say accidentally because I don’t have the guts to do it myself. If someone was to help me I would take it in a heart beat. As I said no reason to live and no one would even notice that I was gone.
I wish so hard that I could go back to having at least one close friend. Or back to the initial point in high school where I started to ruin my life. That would make all the difference in the world to someone such as myself but no one would have me.
5:57am Double my pills as usual when I feel this low in hopes to knock myself out and sleep for as long as possible so I don’t need to deal with feeling like this.
Edit: I realize I would bend over backwards for anyone who asked anything of me. It’s just who I am. Yet when I’m in need of help or need support there is never anyone there for me. Looking back on all the people I’ve helped in my life, the few I have literally stopped from committing suicide or have given shelter when they were in need have all abandoned me. People talk about karma all the time and I would like to believe in such a thing and I have tried to be a good person my whole life. Yes I have made mistakes but honestly it was very seldom and I know the ones I did make are big but besides that if my deeds were to be put on a scale I honestly think it would tip in my favor. So where is karma, where is my happy ending?
I really don’t get how a person can come into your life and treat you like you were the greatest thing to ever happen to them and then suddenly treat you like a complete stranger. It’s been less than a week and yeah maybe I pushed a little hard. But the way we sat with each other and looked into each others eyes for what seemed like years was something I’ve never felt before. You told me how much I meant to you and how happy you were to have me in your life and I said the same exact thing to you. I think I wanted to fall in love so badly, I was beginning to feel it and couldn’t help myself. But if you don’t talk to me anymore I’ll always cherish that short period of time we had together and I’ll always be here if you ever decide to find me again.
Loving my present: today, which is also a present from God
I can smile today, not only fiscally, but with my soul. I smile because He never left my side and every day He continues to bless me and show me how much i need Him in my life. I smile because i feel loved and accepted by Him. I smile because He is hope, Hes my strength, Hes love in every way. I smile because i was broken and He patched me up, showed my how to love again. How theres different kinds of love but its the same universal language. How He has blessed me when i thought i already had everything i (thought i) needed, but showed my what i really only needed. He showed me earthly human love and through it: His divine unconditional heavenly love. Thank you for letting me experience it. Both. Thank you for blessing me with my first times with an incredible man. A man devoted and passionate to You. Thank You for showing me what to look for in a man. Thank You for catching me. Thank you for loving me
I will never tire of looking at the sky. It is fascinating to me… The way it can completely change in a matter of seconds, but it is always blue and it is always beautiful. Sometimes I wish I had this ability. Sometimes I wish those around me did.
I also find it amazing that everyone in the world can all look up and see the same sky and it looks completely different to them where they are than it does to me where I am.
The sky is beautiful. It is always there, but it never looks the same as it ever has before from one second to the next. Every single second that passes, a new pattern has formed, and it will never look exactly like that ever again. And I think that’s incredible. Consistently inconsistent…
So, I’m walking home when I walk past the river where we had our first romantic night together, and suddenly I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe, because if I let out a breath then I will burst into tears. Nothing is the same without you, and nothing will ever be the same again. Suddenly, I have a flashback to our night together in this exact spot, by the river. I see us lay on our backs on your mums blanket, our fingers entwined, looking up at the stars in the sky. You told me you’d never met anyone like me, and I told you the same. Neither of us were lying and that’s what hurts the most, because now you’re gone. We made each other feel so special. You were so special to me. I know I’ll never meet anyone like you again, and that feels like a stab in the heart. Somewhat uncontrollably, my feet turn and start walking the opposite way from my house. It’s 11pm and I need to get home, but I can’t stop myself from walking the opposite way. As far as I know, I have no destination. 10 minutes later, I’m here. I kneel down in front of the grave I’ve ended up in front of and painfully read your name. It doesn’t feel real that you’re gone; it still hasn’t sunk in. You’re gone, and the only person that could ever know how to make me feel better about it is you. You dying broke my heart into a million tiny pieces, and they will never fit back together. So many people miss you; I hope you know how loved you are. Please come back. I can’t deal with this. Nobody understands how much it hurts. I know I need to try to move on, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. The love of my life is dead; how am I supposed to deal with that? I’ll never meet another soul that comes close to you. I love you so much. Anyway, it’s cold now and my mum will be wondering where I’ve got to. I’ll come visit tomorrow though. And the day after. And the day after. And the day after… Yeah, you get the point. I’ll never stop loving you, and I hope you’ll never stop loving me. You’ll always have a special place in my heart; always. Sleep tight.
Extract from a book I’ll probably never write // Instagram: @5am.thoughts
My heart hurts when I think of those who I once loved. It makes me profoundly, painfully sad to know that I will never look at or talk with these people in the same way ever again. That they’ve moved on with their lives without a glance back to the way things were when I was still in the picture. I still love all of you so much and I am so sad and so sorry that I’ll never feel the happiness I once felt with you long ago. I don’t know when I’ll stop missing you. I can only hope it’ll be soon.
I have never felt so worthless in my life.
I know that I’m a good, smart, talented & good looking woman but for some reason I feel like I’m never gonna be in another relationship ever again. I feel like no one is ever gonna love me the way he did. I feel like I need him in my life & need him to love me to feel like I’m worth something. I should be out with friends enjoying this period of my life, I should enjoy being single but I just keep thinking about him. He was the most important person in my life for a long time. I’ve never loved anybody the way I love him & I want him to love me the same again. I feel like I’m never gonna be able to let go of him & that somehow people can see that & that’s why they’ll never want to be in a relationship with me. Also, being a young mom with a young child make me feel like no one will take me seriously. They’ll take me on a couple dates only to try to hook up with me or because I’m fun but when it’s time for things to get more serious they’ll run away. No one as young as me will want to be with a woman who has a young child. I spend almost all of my time with her, people now a days want all the attention on them. They don’t like to share anyone. I’m feeling very lonely right now. I know I should get out of the house but I can’t get off the couch. I want someone to come get me up & out of the house but I want that person to be him. I want to spend the day with him & have fun with him like we used to.
I wonder if you think about the way you left me, what amazes me is the transition period. I remember the day you left I never cried so hard it was so tough because I really thought that was the last time I would get to hug you. I cried almost every night went out to drink as much as I could I gained a shit ton of weight I was a fucking mess. The only thing I could look forward to was planning my trip to see you. That was a year ago. But things are different now, I don’t have to go through the heartache anymore and I don’t have to worry about you. I think my last visit was the one that pushed me over the edge and I went into a place where I knew deep inside that I would never feel the same about you ever again. This month is August and I can honestly say that I’m happy, I don’t cry anymore, I don’t think about you anymore and I never felt so free. I’m living in the now and I truly hope you are too cause even though you treated me like shit I still hope that you never experience what you put me through. We had a good run and i’m so glad that I got to experience you the way I did.
I’m not exactly sure why i’m writing this but I feel I needed to let this out somewhere. If you read this thanks for reading my depressing shit lol