So your definition of lesbian is a female attracted to females. So if I'm a female attracted to other females sexualy, but attracted to males only romantically am I allowed to use the label? For whatever reason I've always felt more of a connection to the label lesbian, it's felt more right than anything. People have said I should say "Biromantic, homosexual" but that's a mouthful and it just doesn't seem right. Sorry if this wording is weird I'm a bit sleep deprived, hope you understand it ok
First of all, this is not “our” definition. This is the definition of lesbian, and therefore the only one we can use (x).
Secondly, I do not condone the split attraction model that you’re referring to for people that are not asexual (not going to go down the discourse road there but just to get this out of the way). The reason for my concern with the split attraction model is that it fails to address internalized homophobia, for example. So if you’re not asexual I don’t think you have a reason to call yourself “biromantic, homosexual”. I’ll explain why further down.
So, technicalities out of the way, here’s for my answer:
It’s important to try and understand why you have these thoughts. I myself was in your very situation not too long ago. I loosely referred to my sexual orientation as biromantic homosexual, because I was in no way attracted to men sexually but I was “open to have a romantic, sex-free relationship with a man if the perfect one came along”. But honestly, that man does not exist. I wanted to have sex with women, and I wanted to have a romantic relationships with women. That was very obvious and clear to me. Why would I settle for a sexless companionship when I knew I could have both things with women? I later realized that I was actually not really into men at all, not even romantically like I had first thought.
For some people, sex is not very important. This is okay too. But to be honest, a person who describes their attraction to women as sexual and romantic versus their attraction to men merely romantic, screams compulsory heterosexuality to me. It’s easy to confuse liking a man as being romantically interested in him, because of heteronormativity. Women and men are groomed from the day they are born to be attracted to the opposite sex. We are taught to recognize any positive feeling we have for a man as romance. And to be honest, negative experiences are supposed to be recognized as romance too; We’ve all heard the “he’s only stealing your toys and annoying you because he’s in love with you,” on the kinderarten playground. This translates differently and many times more violent in adulthood…
You recognizing that you don’t dislike all men doesn’t have to mean you’re romantically interested in them. It’s normal. To me, your message sounds a lot like compulsory heterosexuality. It’s completely understandable; Being a lesbian is saying no to everything society teaches women. It is, entirely involuntarily, rebellious; Almost political in a way. It makes perfect sense that women would attempt to deny being lesbians. If we could just be, we wouldn’t have to deny and hide our lesbianism, but unfortunately, that’s not the kind of society we live in today.
I recommend that you think long and hard about this. You don’t have to be into men. If you aren’t attracted to men, you don’t have to pretend you are by reaching for any tiny little spark of interest and calling it “biromantic”. You do also say that it doesn’t feel right. Try to figure out why it doesn’t feel entirely right. I know it can be very difficult, but maybe reading through our compulsory heterosexuality tag could help you. Many women have the same concerns as you. You’re not alone, and we’re here for you whenever you need our help. You may realize down the line that yes, you are actually into men as well as women, and that’s totally okay. At least then you will have learnt something new about yourself, which I always encourage.
I hope this was helpful. Please don’t hesitate coming back to us if you have more questions.
/ Mod W