I-AM-YOUR-WIFE

Femme Poeme

Nouvelle: I am unsexed.
If you are Sam, then I am
Your man, your wife, your
Life-enhancing, undemanding
Answer to the puzzle of desire.
I am fire-struck. Your gaze
Amazes my gender. I end
Where you have me begin:
Out of ash, I am dashed into
Guesses. Essence is interest.
I am wet and word and ours.

  • Harry: GINNY!!
  • Ginny: What?
  • Harry: Where's the Sword of Gryffindor?
  • Ginny: What?!
  • Harry: Where. Is. The. Sword. Of. Gryffindor??
  • Ginny: I, uh, put it away.
  • Harry: Where?
  • Ginny: WHY do you need to know??
  • Harry: I need it!
  • Ginny: Uh-uh! Don't you think about running off doing no daring-do! We've been planning this dinner for two months!
  • Harry: The Wizarding World is in danger!
  • Ginny: My evening is in danger!
  • Harry: You tell me where my sword is, Ginny! We are talking about the greater good!
  • Ginny: "Greater good?" I am your wife! I am the greatest good you are ever gonna get!
4
DRAW YOUR OFFENDED VEGETAS HERE

YES DRAW THEM! ALL THE WAYS!!

INSPIRED BY THIS COMIC BY @Stupidoomdoodles (I can’t tag them, I cry)

EVERYONE THANK AND FOLLOW AND LIKE AND PET AND LICK @pdubbery FOR THIS AMAZING IDEA OF DUMPING ALL THE OFFENDED VEGETAS! TELL HIM TO STOP RIGGING THE RAFFLE FIGHTS WE HAVE IN STREAMS!

HAVE A GOOD DAY AND ENJOY YOUR OFFENDED VEGETAS!!

PLEASE USE #OFFENDED VEGETA (HAS TO BE IN ALL CAPS PLEASE) OFFENDED VEGETAS WILL ALWAYS CAPS IN POSTS

Okay- but hear me out

Pharah: Honey?
Mercy: What?
Pharah: Where’s my super suit?
Mercy: What?
Pharah: Where - is - my - super - suit?
Mercy: I, uh, put it away.
[helicopter explodes outside]
Pharah: *Where*?
Mercy: *Why* do you *need* to know?
Pharah: I need it!
[Pharah rummages through another room in their condo]
Mercy: Uh-uh! Don’t you think about running off doing no daring-do. We’ve been planning this dinner for two months!
Pharah: The public is in danger!
Mercy: My evening’s in danger!
Pharah: You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!
Mercy: ‘Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest *good* you are ever gonna get!

Where is my supersuit?!
  • Bruce Wayne: [Y/N]?
  • You: What?
  • Bruce Wayne: Where's my super suit?
  • You: What?
  • Bruce Wayne: Where - is - my - super - suit?
  • You: I, uh, put it away.
  • *explosions*
  • Bruce Wayne: Where?
  • You: Why do you need to know?
  • Bruce Wayne: I need it!
  • *Bruce, searching for his suit*
  • You: Uh-uh! Don't you think about running off doing no daring-do. We've been planning this dinner for two months!
  • Bruce Wayne: The public is in danger!
  • You: My evening's in danger!
  • Bruce Wayne: You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!
  • You: 'Greater good?' I am your wife! I'm the greatest good you are ever gonna get!
  • Elphie: Glinda!
  • Glinda: What?
  • Elphie: Where’s my broom?
  • Glinda: Whaaaaat?
  • Elphie: Where. Is. My. Broom?!
  • Glinda: I-uh put it away!
  • Elphie: WHERE?!?!
  • Glinda: WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?!
  • Elphie: I NEED IT!
  • Glinda: UH UH! DON’T YOU THINK ABOUT FLYING OFF AND DEFYING GRAVITY! WE’VE BEEN PLANNING THIS DINNER FOR TWO MONTHS!
  • Elphie: THE ANIMALS ARE IN DANGER!
  • Glinda: MY EVENING IS IN DANGER!
  • Elphie: TELL ME WHERE MY BROOM IS WOMAN!!! WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE GREATER GOOD!
  • Glinda: GREATER GOOD?!?! I AM YOUR WIFE! I’M THE GREATEST GOOD YOU ARE EVER GONNA GET!!!
  • Hawthorne: Where’s my super suit?
  • Mitchell: What?
  • Hawthone: Where - is - my - super - suit?
  • Mitchell: I, uh, put it away.
  • Hawthorne: Where?
  • Mitchell: Why do you need to know?
  • Hawthorne: I need it!
  • Mitchell: Uh-uh! Don’t you think about runnin’ off doing no daring-do. We’ve been plannin’ this dinner for two months!
  • Hawthorne: The public is in danger!
  • Mitchell: My evening’s in danger!
  • Hawthorne: You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!
  • Mitchell: ‘Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you are ever gonna get!
Evenings in the Lafayette household be like:
  • Gilbert: "HONEY!"
  • Adrienne: "WHAT?"
  • Gilbert: "WHERE'S MY UNIFORM?"
  • Adrienne: "WHAT?!"
  • Gilbert: "WHERE. IS. MY. UNIFORM?!"
  • Adrienne: "I, UH, PUT IT AWAY!"
  • Gilbert: "WHERE?!"
  • Adrienne: "WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?!"
  • Gilbert: "I NEED IT!"
  • Adrienne: "NUH UH! DON'T YOU THINK ABOUT RUNNING OUT DOING NO DARING DO! WE'VE BEEN PLANNING THIS DINNER FOR TWO MONTHS!"
  • Gilbert: "THE REPUBLIC IS IN DANGER!"
  • Adrienne: "MY EVENING'S IN DANGER!"
  • Gilbert: "YOU TELL ME WHERE MY UNIFORM IS, WOMAN! WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE GREATER GOOD!"
  • Adrienne: "GREATER GOOD? I AM YOUR WIFE!!! I AM THE GREATEST GOOD YOU ARE EVER GONNA GET!"
  • Keith: Honey?
  • MC: What?
  • Keith: Where's my karaoke machine?
  • MC: Whaaat?
  • Keith: WHERE. IS. MY. KARAOKE. MACHINE?
  • MC: I, uh... put it away!
  • Keith: WHERRRE?
  • MC: WHYYY do you NEED to KNOW?
  • Keith: I NEED IT
  • MC: UH-UH! Don't you think about running off and doing no Mariah Carey impressions! We've been planning this dinner for two months!
  • Keith: The people's entertainment is in danger!
  • MC: MY EARDRUMS ARE IN DANGER
  • Keith: YOU TELL ME WHERE MY MACHINE IS WOMAN. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE GREATER GOOD
  • MC: Greater good?! I am your WIFE. I am the greatest GOOD you are EVER gonna get!
Penny Dreadful -- Sentence Starters
  • “I must find out who I am yet going to be.”
  • “Oh, I will miss her to my bones.”
  • “Let it end. With a kiss.”
  • “It hurts me more than I thought it would, seeing you.”
  • “Do you not yet comprehend the wicked secret of the immortal?”
  • “You have become a perfect, unchanging portrait of yourself.”
  • “Passion will undo the best of us and lead only to tragedy.”
  • “Their blood is on my soul!”
  • “You have poisoned my heart.”
  • “We make our own heaven and our own hell.”
  • “Don’t I scare you?”
  • “I whistle away haunts like you before breakfast, love.”
  • “It is too easy being monsters. Let us try to be human.”
  • “Please don’t take her from me. Please.”
  • “I would rather die who I am than live as your demure little wife.”
  • “Why is it men always resist doing what’s best for them if they think it makes them look weak?”
  • “I would rather die here on my feet than live a lifetime on my knees.”
  • “We shall go everywhere, thee and me.”
  • “Don’t try to stay conscious.”
  • “You’re not a killer.”
  • “There’s one monster who loves you for who you really are. And here he stands.”
  • “Why not be who you are instead?”
  • “I will love you til time has lost all meaning.”
  • “You are made for the day. Not the night.”
  • “We prize things most when we’ve lost them.”
  • “No man should have to murder a member of his own family. This I know.”
  • “People are better than we think.”
  • “We have been unhappy long enough.”
  • “You may be done with Hell, but it is not done with you.”
  • “To save my son, I would slaughter an entire army.”
  • “Do you feel forgiven?”
  • “I’m not leaving you for anything in this world.”
  • “We have so much to catch up on, do we not?”
  • “How valuable is your life?”
  • “Lay hands on him and it’ll be your end.”
  • “I must save you from all of this. One way or another. “
  • “We shall have, my dear, a monumental revenge.”
  • “There’s blood on my teeth. And in my soul, I think.”
  • “Now, you are mine.”
  • “I already know what’s wrong with you.”
  • “But please do not fear for me. I have no fear myself.”
  • “I’m sorry you feel so unloved.”
The Incredibles - Sentence Meme

Change pronouns and such as needed

  • “Where’s my super suit?”
  • “Uh-uh! Don’t you think about running off doing no daring-do. We’ve been planning this dinner for two months!”
  • “'Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you are ever gonna get!”
  • “We’re dead! We’re dead! We survived but we’re dead!”
  • “Well, he’ll look fabulous anyway.”
  • “No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit? I feel like the maid; I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for ten minutes!”
  • “This is a horrible suit, darling. You can’t be seen in this. I won’t allow it. Fifteen years ago, maybe, but now? Feh!”
  • “I never look back, darling! It distracts from the now.
  • “No capes!”
  • “Now I’m losing him! What’ll I do? What’ll I do?”
  • “Pull yourself together!”
  • “Well, you know where he is. Go, confront the problem. Fight! Win!”
  • “Call me when you get back, darling. I enjoy our visits.”
  • “Ha! Never heard that one before.”
  • “My God, you’ve gotten fat.”
  • “Normal? What do you know about normal? What does anyone in this family know about normal?”
  • “We act normal! I want to be normal!”
  • “This is the third time this year you’ve been sent to the office. We need to find a better outlet. A more constructive outlet.”
  • You always say ‘Do your best’, but you don’t really mean it. Why can’t I do the best that I can do?”
  • “Do not change the subject! We’re discussing your attitude!”
  • “Stop right now, or you’re fired!”
  • “Huh? Huh? Oh, come on! You gotta admit, this is cool!”
  • “ I’ll be a bigger hero than you ever were.”
  • “You mean you killed off real heroes so that you could pretend to be one?”
  • “I’ll give them heroics. I’ll give them the most spectacular heroics anyone’s ever seen!”
  • “When everyone’s super no one will be.”
  • “I was wrong to treat you that way. I’m sorry.”
  • “See? Now you respect me, because I’m a threat. That’s the way it works.”
  • “Turns out there are lots of people, whole countries, that want respect, and will pay through the nose to get it.”
  • Oh, ho ho! You sly dog! You got me monologuing! I can’t believe it.”
  • “You can’t! It’s impossible! I’m far too busy, so ask me now before I can become sane.”
  • “Are we there yet?”
  • “Sure, it was difficult, but you are worth it. I mean, after all, I am your biggest fan.”
  • “That ship has sailed. All I wanted was to help you. I only wanted to help, and what do you say to me?”
  • “Fly home. I work alone.”
  • “It tore me apart, but I learned an important lesson. You can’t count on anyone, especially your heroes.”
  • “Ya see that? That’s the way to do it. That’s old school.”
  • “You always, always say “Be true to yourself,” but you never say which part of yourself to be true to!”
  • “And now, you have officially carried it too far.”
  • “This is because I don’t have powers, isn’t it? Well, not every superhero has powers, you know. You can be super without them.”
  • “It’s great to see you, but I gotta tell you, I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.”
  • “But you said we weren’t supposed to use our powers!”
  • “I know what I said! Listen to what I’m saying now!
  • “I can’t lose you again! I can’t. Not again. I’m not strong enough.”
  • “Your identity is your most valuable possession. Protect it.”
  • “Remember the bad guys on the shows you used to watch on Saturday mornings? Well, these guys aren’t like those guys.”
  • “They will kill you if they get the chance. Do not give them that chance.
  • “Oh, man–That was totally wicked!”
  • “Well, I am sure I don’t know, darling. Luck favors the prepared.”
  • “Do you think I’m totally irresponsible? Thanks a lot!”
  • “Just like old times, huh?”
  • “That was the best vacation ever! I love our family.”
  • “I should have told you I was fired, I admit it. But I didn’t want you to worry.”
  • “You keep trying to pick a fight, but I’m still just happy you’re alive.”
  • “He’s a disruptive influence and he openly mocks me in front of the class.”
  • “Coincidence? I think not!”
  • “You’re letting him go again? He’s guilty! You can see it in his smug little face. Guilty, I say! Guilty! Guilty!”
  • “I’ve taken courses and learned CPR, and I’ve got excellent marks and certificates I can produce on demand.”
  • “You know, I wish my parents played Mozart when I slept because half the time I don’t even know what the heck anyone’s talking about!”
  • “ I’m sorry. I’ve been a lousy father, blind to what I have. So obsessed with being undervalued that I undervalued all of you.”
  • “You are my greatest adventure, and I almost missed it.”
  • “Am I good enough now?”
  • “DARLING! How are you, it’s been such a long time.”
  • “Don’t make me beg, darling, I won’t do it, you know!”
  • “Tell me you haven’t been listening to the police scanner again?”
  • “Look, I performed a public service. You act like that’s a bad thing.”
  • “Uprooting our family again so that you can relive the glory days is a very bad thing!”
  • “Reliving the glory days is better than pretending they never happened!”
  • “It’s psychotic! People keep coming up with new ways to celebrate mediocrity.”
  • “He starts monologuing! He starts like, this prepared speech about how feeble I am compared to him, how inevitable my defeat is, how the world will soon be his, yadda yadda yadda. I mean, the guy has me on a platter and he won’t shut up!”
  • “I’m not happy. Not happy. Ask me why.”
  • “They caught you on tape and you still got away with it? Whoa!”
  • “Look, what if we actually did what our wives think we’re doing, just to shake things up?”
  • “Valuing life is not weakness.”
  • “Look, I called his bluff, sweetheart, that’s all. I knew he wouldn’t have it in him.”
  • “Next time you gamble, bet your own life.”
  • “Why are you here? How can you possibly bring me lower? What more can you take away from me?”
  • “Oh, you’ll get over it. I seem to recall you prefer to work alone.”
  • “That sounds a little dark for you.”
  • “I knew you couldn’t do it. Even when you have nothing to lose! You’re weak! And I’ve outgrown you.”
  • “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out!”
  • “You took away my future. I’m simply returning the favor.”
  • “Oh, don’t worry. I’ll be a good mentor: supportive, encouraging. Everything you weren’t.”
  • “You know, I was right to idolize you? I always knew you were tough, but tricking the probe by hiding under the bones of another super? Oh, MAN! I’m still geeking out about it!”
  • “Help me! Help me! Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame!”
  • I just need a patch job. For sentimental reasons.
  • “Have a great day, honey. Help customers, climb ladders…”
  • “Let me guess. It became smart enough to wonder why it had to take orders.”
  • “Shut it down, do it quickly, don’t destroy it.”
  • “You asked me how to get there and I told you!”
  • “Mom and Dad’s lives could be in jeopardy, or worse their marriage.”
  • “You know I’m retired from hero work.”
  • “Let go of me! Let go, you lousy, lying, unfaithful creep!”
  • “How could I betray the perfect woman?”
  • “That was so cool when you threw that car!”
  • “I’m sorry ma'am, I know you’re upset–Pretend to be upset.”
  • “Did I do something illegal?”
  • “The law requires that I answer no.”
  • “Easy, easy girl. You’re overreacting, everything’s fine, they’re just all getting coffee! At the same time. Yeah.”
  • “Settle down, are you kidding? I’m at the top of my game! I’m right up there with the big dogs! Girls, come on. Leave the saving of the world to the men? I don’t think so.”
  • “Every time they run, we take a shot!”
  • “You didn’t save my life, you ruined my death, that’s what you did!”
  • “I’m fired, aren’t I?”
  • “My employer is attracted to power. As am I. It’s a weakness we both share.”
  • “Someone’s always in trouble.”
  • “We appreciate what you did in the old days, but those days are over. From now on, you’re on your own.”
  • “It’s time to engage! Do something! Don’t just stand there, I need you to intervene!”
  • “You’re late. When you asked me if I was doing anything later, I didn’t realize you’d actually forgotten. I thought it was playful banter.”
  • “Does this mean we have to move again?”
  • “You want to go toward the people that tried to kill us?”
  • “Stop it! We are not gonna die! Now, both of you will get a grip!”
  • “We look like bad guys. Incompetent bad guys!”
  • “If he even sneezes, we’ll be there with a hanky and a pair of handcuffs.”
  • “Well, with counseling, I think you’ll come to forgive me.”
  • “Look, I’ve been nice, I’ve stood for photos, signed every scrap of paper you pushed at me.”
  • “Oh, no, no, you don’t have to worry about training me! I know all your moves, your crime-fighting style, favorite catchphrases, everything! I’m your number one fan!”
  • “You’re not affiliated with me!”
  • “I don’t see anyone from the old days, just you, and we’re pushing our luck as it is.”
  • “Where are they now? They are living among us. Average people, average citizens quietly and anonymously making the world a better place.”
  • “Shh, it isn’t your fault. It wasn’t fair for me to suddenly ask so much of you. But things are different now, and doubt is a luxury we can’t afford anymore, sweetie.”
  • “You have more power than you realize. Don’t think, and don’t worry. If the time comes, you’ll know what to do. It’s in your blood.”