I feel like I'm a complicated person that I'm starting to lose friends and people

some people make me feel so worthless, it hurts sometimes, I just wish to sleep for over a week without dealing with anything.

anonymous asked:

Hannah can I ask for your advice? I had a terrible terrible friend fall out four years ago and still feel insecure in my relationships today, especially people I'm v close too. I'm working on it and I'm better but I still feel like my worth is tied to being other people's favourites and I'm very sensitive to rejection and worried about offending others. I'm so jealous too! It seems like you have wonderful friendships now, how did you manage to let go of the effects of toxic friendships? 💕

Oh my god I see SO much of myself in this message, love. Honestly, it’s been two years for me too and I still find that I’m insecure in new relationships and also that I’m drawn to toxic people in new situations.

In Greece, for example, I made immediate and close friends with someone who I didn’t realize was super toxic. Two weeks into the trip, she dropped me and her and another girl tried to get everyone to stop talking to me. I immediately settled into the mindset of thinking “oh hey everyone hates me and I’m incapable of making nurturing, loving friendships” until my sister 100% called me out. It took one phone call with her to realize that in new situations, I’m drawn to toxic personalities because it’s what’s most familiar and comfortable for me.

So first, I definitely recommend making sure you aren’t making that same mistake. Just make sure you aren’t being drawn to the same types of personalities who hurt you so badly. For this girl, the major red flags were gossiping really maliciously about other people and also telling ME not to hang out with certain people because “no one likes her” or whatever selfish nonsense.

I really learned a lot from that experience because it was such a strange microcosm of similar experiences I’d had in the past. I learned a lot about my weaknesses and the type of person I want to be. It made me realize that I need to do better at holding myself and others accountable for speaking badly about others behind their back and acting exclusionary (which are both faults of mine and mistakes I’ve made in the past). Instead, I started hanging out with a really open, kind, and accepting group of girls. That sort of toxic behavior just wasn’t on their radar because it wasn’t who they were. In turn, I found myself being much more open and accepting of others. I was a better person for being around such lovely people.

Another thing that has been very, very, VERY important for me to realize is that how other people treat you is a reflection of them not you. The people who have hurt you are just. people. They have their own flaws and fears and life experiences that inform their behavior. It isn’t a reflection of you or your worth. 

My sister always tells me that when other people say or do mean shit to you, ask yourself what their motivation is. It’s usually motivated by fear. They exclude you because they’re afraid of being excluded themselves. They point out your flaws because they want to distract from what they perceive as their own.

With most of my current  friendships, I’ve told them about both my history of abuse and friend trauma as soon as it felt right and I was comfortable. With my friend trauma, MOST PEOPLE I know have gone through something similar. And because my friends are literally just the best, they have responded with gentleness and understanding and love. They’re even more sensitive to triggering behaviors in the future (like accidentally excluding me from group outings, e.g.) and are willing to listen when I express that I feel rejected, abandoned, etc. The people who love you will do the same!!

When you are open, honest, and vulnerable to lovely people, they will know that they can be open, honest, and vulnerable with you too!!! Then you’ve got yourself a healthy, mutually beneficial human interaction :’-) 

Finally, the best thing I’ve done for myself is work on myself. I know how hard I work on myself every day. I try to be honest with myself about both my flaws and positive characteristics. That way, you realize your inherent worth. You realize that you’re a complex, dynamic person just like everyone else who is worthy of compassion. When you’re already well-versed in exploring yourself with open curiosity, criticism, and compassion, rejection isn’t scary because you know it’s a matter of circumstance, opposing interests, etc. rather than a damnation of your inherent worth. 

And tbh, opening yourself up to rejection is an important part of that! The summer after my big friend fallout, I just started asking people I thought were cool to coffee or lunch. Think about how STOKED you’d be if someone you already admire wants to hang out with you??? 

Me n Emily’s friendship started because she walked up to my desk at work and dead ass said, “Hey I think you’re really cool and I’d love to get coffee sometime. Do you have my number?” AND THEN WE HUNG OUT FOR 2 HOURS AND SWAPPED DORKY BAND STORIES.

Sometimes I’ve gone out on a limb and hung out with someone and we just didn’t click. I literally can’t overstate how utterly, completely fine it is to not wanna be someone’s friend or to have someone not wanna be your friend. Y’all are different! Different is good! Just be open and honest and it’s a-ok. 

Lastly (for real this time haha), I have not come to these realizations without therapy. It’s always okay to ask for help. A “friend breakup” is so easy to downplay as something that ~just happens~ but it’s a real trauma that can effect your life so deeply. I definitely encourage you to get yaself a great therapist. 

Okay I think that covers it. Always remember: you’re complicated and have flaws because all people are complicated and flaws — AND YOU ARE A PERSON!!! You, like all people, deserve empathy and respect and love. Never lose sight of that. 

Sending you all my love. My ask box is ALWAYS open if you need me (as it is for anyone who has gone through something similar!)

anonymous asked:

My girlfriend has lately been taking everything out on me and I'm beginning to go emotionally numb. Today she started yelling at me for something that wasnt my fault and I knew something was up because I started to feel guilty and that's a sign of manipulation. But how is that possible? We were happy in love and now she says she's going through a lot and all I'm getting is coldness. Is it possible someone showing signs of toxic behavior can snap out of it and go back to normal?

Hey anon,

Situations like this can feel complicated or confusing.

It is typical that abusive relationships start off loving and then one day a person realizes things have gone too far outside the lines of normal and fights are no longer disagreements but personal attacks and manipulations.

On the flip side -it is also normal for someone under a great deal of stress (I’ve seen people who have PTSD do this so maybe I mean trauma not stress) to lose all their typical coping tools and start taking out their intense feelings on others.

In any case this behaviour isn’t okay.

Have you had a opportunity to discuss these things with your partner? Is it safe to? If it is - try discussing how you two can “fight fair”. This could involve taking a break when the conversation turns to a fight (I’ve read our nervous systems need 20minutes to calm down before they can properly process emotions again), never calling names, avoiding absolutes “you ALWAYS” or “you NEVER”, starting a conversation with feeling words as opposed to blame “I’m feeling hurt because of ______” then offer solutions, asking yourself “what am I getting out of this” AND “why do we need to discuss this?”. If the point is to make the other person feel guilty or bad - don’t. If the point is to offer a solution so you can love each other better - talk it out and offer solutions. Maybe your partner was never taught these skills (many people are not). If you point out the manipulation through “I’m feeling hurt when you say ______ It would help to hear ______ instead” or something of that nature, and the manipulation continues you may want to reassess your relationship.

If it’s not safe to talk to your partner about these things that is a major red flag. If they continue to manipulate you - get help. Tell friends and family what has been going on. You don’t have to go through this alone.