I clearly hate myself

Glitter Ball

I’ve been seeing some discussion in past few days about how unrealistic it is that Bitty doesn’t hang out with other queer kids at Samwell, which is a valid point, and it reminded me I had a fic languishing in my drafts folder that involved an expanded look at the LGBTQIA group on campus, so I figured maybe the time had come to post it. It’s more about Dex than Bitty, because I started it as a response to the “Dex is homophobic” discourse, so this is from a “Dex has never been straight, he just doesn’t think it’s any of your business” perspective.

(It’s the beginning of a longer fic called “I Abhor You/I Adore You” that’s kind of an exercise in filling in all the gaps between the Nurseydex tweets and fleshing out the non-hockey parts of Samwell, but who knows if I’ll ever finish it.)

~4.5k, pre-slash Nurseydex, mostly Dex POV, guest appearances by Bitty, Holster, and a few OCs from the LGBTQIA group. Location of the IT helpdesk across the hall from the resource center entirely stolen from my own tiny liberal arts school, “the little gay college in the middle of Iowa.”

Read it on AO3 (now with the second chapter as well).

First year, first semester

Dex got a job with the helpdesk almost as soon as he got to campus. This wasn’t exactly normal for an unknown, untested, untried, and undeclared first year student, but he had references from his high school job and there was a constant shortage of people who actually knew how to do anything with hardware. Which, of course, was the thing most of the professors actually needed help with. They weren’t actually receiving a lot of emergency Python coding calls; they needed someone who could “make the goddamn printer talk to the computer” without pissing anyone off by being too condescending.

He enjoyed it; compared to having to do the same thing in a retail environment, this was downright relaxing, and he at least had some confidence the people he was helping weren’t complete idiots. He could even leave behind a Post-It of step-by-step instructions of how to fix the problem themselves next time and have it be followed at least 50% of the time! Not to mention his work-study hours as a student athlete were actually capped and enforced so he wouldn’t work himself to death. So relaxing when compared to high school, when he’d had to juggle IT work, lobster fishing, hockey, and grades good enough to get some kind of scholarship.

Since he’d gotten to campus early to start pre-season practice with the hockey team, he’d been able to establish a work routine before adding in classes, which had been helpful. The CS classes at Samwell were certainly more demanding, but that was why he was here, wasn’t it? All in all, he was pretty satisfied with how things were shaping up. (Now if only his d-partner weren’t such an entitled brat…)

Once the other students got back to campus, it became clear the helpdesk office wasn’t the only thing housed in the weird little building at the edge of campus. He was just ending a shift when a girl stuck her head in the door. “Would it be possible to get some quick help from anybody? It’s just across the hall.”

“I can do it,” Dex said. “I was just about to leave anyway.”

“Thank you!” She led the way into what appeared to be an all-purpose meeting room. The door now had a handmade rainbow sign taped to it, proclaiming it the Stonewall Resource Center. “We’re having our first meeting of the year tonight, and of course the one person who remembers how to work the projector is on study abroad this semester.”

“No problem. You hooking it up to a laptop?”


Dex walked over to the AV podium at the front of the room and fished out the giant cluster of cables and dongles. “Hopefully one of these will work, but we have adapters in the office for just about anything. Bring it over.” A minute or so later, he had everything working.

“Thank you so much!”

“Sure. I mean, it’s my job anyway.”

“Do I need to file a ticket or something?”

“Eh, whatever.”

“Um, you’re welcome to stay for the meeting if you want…”

“What’s it for? I mean, I can guess, but your sign wasn’t even up when I came in at the beginning of my shift, so, you know.”

“Yeah, basically it’s just a beginning of the year informational meeting for students about LGBTQIA resources on campus and a way to get those of us who are returning students to get started organizing other events. So maybe not super interesting.”

“No, it sounds like good information to have. I’ll stick around.”

She smiled at him. “Great! I’m Sam.”

“Will. Or Dex. I answer to either.”

“Nice to meet you.”


“So do you think you’ll come back?” Sam asked after the meeting was over. Dex had stayed to help her turn off the projector and leave a sticky note with the steps written down. (He was thinking about getting a set custom-printed with “Helping You Help Yourself!” across the bottom, though he suspected his boss would find this too snarky.)

“Probably not. I mean, not to regular meetings or anything—you can totally ask me for help anytime! I’m just kind of… past the place where I need this kind of group? And I’ve got hockey practice and CS classes that are kind of the point of my being here, so they take priority, you know?”

“Sure thing.”

“But you know where to find me! Seriously, I’m always happy to help. It looks like a great group. But I know I can’t commit to anything.”

“Cool. I’ll see you around then, yeah? Oh, hey, if you have any time on Friday, you should come to the softball game. We’re gonna slay.”

Dex grinned and offered his fist for a bump of solidarity. “You’ll have to come to a hockey game once the season starts.”


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100 Themes Challenge

I’m doing an art challenge. Hopefully this will get me even MORE motivated to just make stuff and not get bent out of shape over tiny details. JUST MAKE THINGS MEDIK OKAY


1. Introduction
2. Love
3. Light
4. Dark
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Gray
20. Cookies
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. Orly?
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can’t
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation

let the games begin

you know what’s gross

how the twins have put so many disgusting things in their mouths like licking each other’s feet, armpits and just body parts in general, slurping cow balls, eating bugs, licking expired chinese food, drinking toilet water, chewing butter, licking the floor, eating eggs (shells and all), and a bunch of other nasty shit

but you know what’s grosser

i would still kiss them

WOW. Men REALLY don't like it when you confront them about their catcalling, do they?

Just walked past 2 guys (topless fuckboys fyi) that thought it would be a good idea to shout stuff at me like: *whistle* “Nice tits darlin’!”
I’m wearing a crew neck tshirt. My tits are not on show in any way, shape or form. Yes they’re big but its a fairly loose fitting tshirt.
So i stopped, walked over to them and asked them to “Please, do continue.”
They went silent and just looked at each other blankly. I then told them, very politely i might add, that saying shit like that to women is actually a shitty thing to do and makes us feel uncomfortable.
I was then called, and i quote, “a fat ugly dyke who should be grateful to get compliments from men when your tits are the only thing you’ve got going for you.”
I then managed to anger them further by laughing and asking them why they catcalled me if they think i’m so ugly and fat, and why so they clearly hate women so much. I was told to go fuck myself and they walked off.

The male ego at work my friends. So fragile, so precious.

2 aphobic blogs: we made a NEW aro and ace pride flags for yall uwu cos the other ones used colors that were in other pride flags [??!!] uwu also these new ones are super eye-watering and ugly so enjoy that uuwuuu

me: what….th e fuckg….

Post Mortem

Summary: A fic in which I prove that I clearly hate myself.

Notes: Takes place in a world where everyone survives but MC takes Jane’s place. 

You’re not sure how long it’s been since you died. Undoubtedly, it has been several days, but how much time has passed?

It already feels like an eternity of loneliness. You have no company aside from Cora’s creature that you had adopted, and you’re unable to leave the house during the day. There’s nothing to really do in the dilapidated ruins of the meeting house, so you find yourself either cuddling with your companion or thinking about your friends and your parents and how they might be doing.

You try not to think about Noah.

But, of course, you always inevitably do. You often think about all of the “what if’s”. What if you talked to Noah more? What if you said something different when you had attempted to comfort him? What if you had actually chased after him when he stormed off, confronted him when he was acting weirdly?

Perhaps you’d still end up with the same outcome, but wondering what might have happened is all you really have now that you’re an immortal shadow monster living in the woods.

You could always try to watch your friends, try to keep them happy and safe like Jane had attempted, but there’s a fear at the back of your mind of how you’d react. What if you snapped like Jane? Not to mention, it’d only strengthen your regret that you weren’t there to grow up beside them.

You thought it was the noble thing to do at the time- to take Jane’s place and fulfill your promise to watch out for her (and still do believe this part at least), to save Noah- but now you realize that you didn’t really save Noah at all.

It doesn’t matter that you told him that it wasn’t your fault. You know him, and you know that Noah will now forever carry your death upon his shoulders. You want to believe that the others would eventually come to somewhat understand Noah and help him, but you now realize that your friends will now shun him due to your death. He’s still alone.

Alone like you. Trapped with dark thoughts swirling in your head, threatening to stifle your light.

One day you hear frantic yelling outside the house. You think you’re imagining at first.

People? There hasn’t been anybody this deep in the woods since the day you had died. There had been a rescue team – most likely sent to retrieve you- but you had hidden yourself away in the shadows until they had left empty-handed.

(You had reluctantly entered your tomb shortly after you watched Noah run. It was definitely a strange experience to look down at your own body- your body itself looks like it’s just sleeping. You’re not sure what exactly possessed you to do so, but you hid your body to delay the inevitable realization. The last thing you want is for others to see you that way.)

You ignore the shouts, but your only companion perks up at the sound and scampers for the door. You follow after him, your curiosity eventually betraying you.

You hear your friends screaming your name, hear their grief and sorrow.

“I know you’re in there, MC! Come out!” Your friends plead with you, but you can’t bring yourself to look upon their sorrowful faces. Above all, you also don’t want them to see what you’ve become.

You’re not sure how long you stay inside, enduring their heart-wrenching cries, but eventually, the sky darkens and your friends reluctantly leave.

You’re not sure which is worse- your friends’ desperate pleas or the absolute silence that follows in their absence.

You get stir crazy at some point and decide to venture beyond the perimeter of the house. Perhaps it’s because it’s the last place you had felt some semblance of hope, but you head towards the clearing where you saved Dan.

You get a bitter surprise when you arrive in the form of a sleeping Noah. You’re immediately overrun by a complexity of emotions. Sorrow. Anger. Regret. Bittersweet relief.

You’re not sure how long you watch him sleep, his body slumped against a tree and his Beanie-less head bowed low. He looks incredibly rumpled – weak even- as if he lost the will to live. There are bruises on his face, and he clutches his side like he’s in pain even when he’s asleep. He has his backpack with him- has he run away?

As if somehow sensing your presence, Noah jolts awake, his eyes widening as he takes your shadowy figure in.

“MC?” he croaks. His voice is dry and raspy, and he begins swiping away at his eyes even before the tears start streaming out.

“…No…ah…” It’s difficult to speak, and you suddenly understand the choppy language Jane and Mr. Red had used. You’re not sure why, but you’re much weaker out here than in the house.

His face crumples, and you can see him visibly shaking as he looks at you- black smoke body and all. “Oh god, oh god, oh god.”

He squinches his eyes shut before burying his face in his trembling hands. “Oh god, I did this to you.”

Before you can muster out any words of comfort, Noah’s head snaps up. “MC, I know that I fucked up. I fucked up because I’m a messed up piece of shit who couldn’t see beyond myself and my guilt for Jane-” he gulps. “-and I don’t deserve your forgiveness for what I did, but god, you should know that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. You weren’t supposed to get hurt- no one was supposed to get hurt.”

You nod slowly, knowing as much that Noah had been troubled and confused. Jane had whispered thoughts into his head, had convinced him that playing the game one more time was the only way to save her. He still had believed Jane to be the sweet kid that she was and hadn’t thought that Jane would sadistically kill whoever “died” in the game.

It doesn’t mean that knife that he stabbed into your back hurt any less, but you understand that he didn’t want to do it. You doubted it somewhat before but seeing him in front of you reminds you that the Noah that you knew and loved is still in there. And just like you would’ve given the world for him and your friends to be happy, you want to give him his chance at redemption. You had taken his place to give him his shot at happiness- you still cared for him so much that his betrayal made little difference.

“It was supposed to be me. It should’ve been me.” The conviction in his eyes is almost as startling as the knife he had held to your throat. “MC, why? Why wasn’t it me?!”

You shake your head emphatically. “…Not Noah…never Noah…Noah should be…happy.”

“Yeah?” Noah thunders, suddenly looking furious. “So should you! You deserve it more than me! You’re not as fucked up as I am! Dammit, MC, you actually had a future!”

So…do you…” You insist stubbornly. “Not…your fault…my choice… not yours.

Because even if you had your regrets about sacrificing yourself, you know that you would’ve regretted letting Noah be in your place instead. You’d rather regret sacrificing yourself than regret not sacrificing yourself, and you had made your choice accordingly.

“Oh really?” Noah suddenly stands, and you can see his weak body protesting. How long has he been in the woods? “Was it really ever a choice for you? You’re MC, with a bleeding heart and a fucking huge hero complex to boot.”

He steps closer and closer to you, approaching you like you’re a wounded animal. To your surprise, he suddenly embraces you. At first you have no idea what he’s doing, but then it hits you as you feel some of the darkness peel away.

You use your powers for the first time to angrily shove Noah far away from you. “My choice…Can’t take back…”

Noah’s face as he looks up at you from the ground is one of shock. But his face quickly hardens into a desperate kind of determination as he scrambles up from the ground. “Then- then I’ll find a way to take it back! I know I said for Jane that that was the only way, but this time I won’t give up. There’s got to be a way to fix this!”

Noah…stop…” If you could cry you would. Noah’s exposed what you’ve been trying so hard to suppress -your regret, your desire to be free- when he tried to take over for you. You’ve made your choice, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t wish that that choice never came to be. “Please…live…for me.”

Noah begins to walk towards you again. Your wispy hands hesitate, unwilling to throw him down once more. “I don’t want to live in a world without you. You were the one to give me hope about the future, MC. Without you, I have no future.”

“…Baby Jane’s…” You remind him feebly. You feel the urge to vanish, but you need to get through to Noah. you have to… you said so.”

“In that future, I’d always imagined you right there, happily eating my potato salad.” Noah’s face contorts into a sorrowful expression, and you can’t help but think of that other life too. “You once told me that I didn’t lose you… that I’ll never lose you.”

You nod slowly. That conversation happened a life time ago- your lifetime ago- but you find that it still holds true. If there’s one thing you want Noah to take away from this, you want him to know that he’s not alone.

“Well, I lost you by my own hand,” He grits. “I pushed you away, and-and I deserve to never see you again, but think about your parents, our- your friends!”

“Do you think any of them would want you to be trapped here forever?” He pushes. When you don’t respond, he angrily runs his fingers through his hair. “FUCK, why didn’t I stop you?! I-I could’ve stopped you!”

You shake your head. It wouldn’t have mattered how much he’d try to stop you. You had made your mind up to take Jane’s place instead of Noah. “No…couldn’t stop…my choice.”

He looks at you, tears still streaming down his face. He crumples to the ground, like whatever strength he had left had been sapped from him. “No…this can’t be how this ends…”

Spotting his beanie with his things, you use your powers to gently lift his beanie back onto his head. “Don’t be sad…”

Noah sobs, and you hate that you can’t gather him into your arms like you did in the hospital. You hate how you can’t comfort your other friends. You hate how your future now lies in the woods.

You hate a lot of things right now, but you don’t hate him. Never him. You’re still a little mad at him, but you only blame Douglas Redfield for what’s become of the nine children who made the mistake of playing with him.

“…goodbye…” You summon your strength into a final, single gesture of softly stroking his head. “Live…be happy…for me…”

You slink back into the shadows of the trees, ignoring the agonized weeping of a boy with nothing that reverberates in the empty woods and the woeful cries of your own heart.

7 FOR 7⚡Face

A GOT7 songfic series. Enjoy!

Genre: Ex-Lovers to Lovers!AU, Idol!AU, Angst then Fluff

Pairing: Mark x You

Disclaimer: Gif used is not my own. Credit to owner

A/N: Italics apart from lyrics are a flashback

Moon UTeenagerYou AreFireworkRemember YouTo Me⚡Face

Originally posted by jinyoungot7

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