Have you ever tried to do ballet or taken any sort of dance class?
Oh my GOD okay when I was…Mm, I’m gonna say 3-5? I had offhandedly mentioned wanting to be a ballerina, and my mom was like, “ YOU WANT TO DO???? A GiRL thINg??????” and signed me up IMMEDIATELY before I could even say ‘never mind’ lol.
So anyway, I get all the gear, tap shoes and ballet slippers and little pink tutus and the works and I’m like…Okay, I look fucking adorable, I can see some benefits to this. And then the studio was plastered in pictures of professional ballerinas in various poses, and I’m like!!!! Shit this looks so cool!!!! I’m gonna be a dancer!!!! I’m gonna become a pro and be the coolest kid in Kindergarten!!! Woo-hoo!!!!
And then the classes started.
Okay, sure, maybe Baby Molly had some hopes that were way too high- like, yes, I did understand we were only little kids and weren’t going to be learning complicated moves, it was a beginners class, but I still thought??? They would actually teach me at least something about ballet???? But nope. Ever class was about 2 hours long. We’d spend the first, maybe, 15-30 minutes on Tap Dancing, like just a few really simple steps. That was fine, but I wasn’t actually interested in it. But then, for the rest of the hour and a half class, the part that was supposed to focus on ballet…WE DID NO FUCKING DANCING. They literally just always had us sit down with our legs crossed and learn stupid songs????? With hand motions for them??? Like the itsy bitsy spider and shit. Every single class this happened. Every single class the teacher would be mad at me, because “Molly why aren’t you smiling??? All good dancers need a pretty smile!” And I’d be like “WE ARE NOT DANCING SO DON’T FEED ME YOUR LIES MS. SHARON.” omfg.
I’m pretty sure I remember asking to be pulled out a lot, but my parents were like “We already spent our money on this!!!” and I would be like “You spent your money on a SHAM when does T-Ball start???” But no such luck. Like, I did keep up with sports but I was still stuck in the fake dance classes. I was infuriated. Hell Hath No Fury like a 4 year old who just wants to learn how to do a fucking pirouette.
Okay, so after a maybe a year or two stuck in this class, the teacher announces we’re gonna have a recital and everyone is excited but I’m like??? What dance moves are we going to be doing??? WE LITERALLY ONLY KNOW HAND MOTIONS. But no one would LISTEN to me and this recital went onwards, and I was miserable bc looking back on it, sure, maybe no one expected much from 5 year olds in a dance class. But *as* the five year old, I didn’t know that, so I was like??? This is going to be the most embarrassing day of my life???? But not partaking in the recital wasn’t optional. I don’t know if we have a video of it or not, but I’m sure if we did I’d be pouting and on the verge of tears the entire time. I felt awful and judged the whole night and my parents flowers felt like a pity gift.
Okay, so after the recital I’m talking with my parents and they’re like ‘wow you were right it really was mostly songs???” and I could tell they found that weird but hadn’t reached ‘let’s pull her out of the class’ levels yet. But then I noticed my aunt Gail didn’t make it to the recital.
Now, listen: I hate Gail. She’s a crazy, manipulative, lying bitch. But for the longest time, for some unfathomable reason, everyone had just literally decided she was my favorite aunt???? Like they’d be like “Awww is Gail your favorite aunt?” and I’d be like ‘no’ and give a full list of every relative that came before her in my mind and people thought I was joking. Yikes. But in this one specific case, it worked out for me! Because she had made a HUGE deal about coming to see the show, and I noticed she wasn’t there, and I didn’t see her in the audience during the thing so there was no way they could make an excuse like she had to leave early or something. So when my parents asked me why I was so pouty during the show, I saw my opening to escape this hellish fake dance class once and for all: I burst into tears.
Immediately, my worry wart parents are all over me, trying to figure out what’s wrong. I’m choking out through my tears that I saw Gail didn’t bother to show up, and she’s my favorite aunt, how could she do this to me, I just wanted her to see me dance! I’ve always been quite the little actress, and knew how to pull on my parents heartstrings by now, so I was really fucking selling this and they were eating it up. I start crying that I just wanted Gail to see me dance and be proud of me, but she didn’t come and now I never want to dance again because it hurts too much! All my little ballerina dreams had been crushed! And that I knew I wasn’t even a good dancer in the first place and it was embarrassing but I had hoped that Gail being there would have magically made everything alright. I never even wanted to hear the word ‘ballet’ EVER AGAIN! Luckily, my parents were sold quickly enough, so I didn’t have to kick my fake-emotional outburst into a full blown fake-tantrum, and they promised me they’d pull me out of the class immediately (after reassuring me that I was a good dancer and they hoped I would reconsider but they ultimately just wanted me to be happy, ya-da-ya-da).
They bought me ice cream on the way home and apart from a couple weak attempts in poorly-choreographed musicals, I’ve never had to dance again.😂