Phoenix | Who wins: You
He’s a huge wimp, so he doesn’t stand a chance. However, there’s at least a 70% probability that he’ll cry, and you’ll feel like a bully, so really, why would you?
Maya | Who wins: ?
Hey, she’s small and short but who the fuck knows what kind of spirit she can summon. Maybe she’ll summon her sister and her sister would kick the shit out of you for even thinking about this. Maybe she can summon some dead Olympic karate champion, I don’t fucking know. You probably shouldn’t try her.
Pearl | Who wins: ??
She slapped a grown man so hard he fainted when she was EIGHT. On the other hand, the man was Phoenix, so the outcome of this fight is debatable.
Edgeworth | Who wins: You
FIGHT HIM. Do it. Punch him on sight. Break his nerd glasses. Rip his cravat. Stuff him in a locker. He belongs in a locker. He’ll probably sue the shit out of you afterwards but I promise it’s worth it. Please fight Edgeworth.
Franziska | Who wins: Franziska
DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH
Gumshoe | Who wins: You
Yeah, he’s huge but he’s going down. The question is, why would you do that? Why are you such a terrible person? Leave Gumshoe alone, he’s trying his best.
Apollo | Who wins: Apollo, probably
I know he seems small and unintimidating but really, dude’s been slamming his fists into solid wood for a year now and doesn’t seem fazed in the slightest. He might start yelling, and then you’ll have to say goodbye to your eardrums too, so even if you do win, at what cost would that be? Don’t fight Apollo.
Trucy | Who wins: Not you
She can throw knives with alarming accuracy. She probably has saws and swords in her magic show props and you bet your arse they’re all showing up in the magic panties faster than you can say ‘allakazam’. It would be extremely unwise to pick a fight with her. She’s sawn men in half before and would again.
Klavier | Who wins: You, most likely
There’s a big chance he’s taller and stronger than you but who cares. Just punch him. Don’t tell me you never wanted to do it. What’s he going to do about it, anyway, write a sad song? Punch Klavier Gavin in the face while you have the chance. Even if he fights back, you have already won in spirit.
Ema | Who wins: Ema
Look, I don’t know what exactly she can do. She probably can’t fight very well. But if you try to do it I sense a visit to the coroner in your near future.
Athena | Who wins: Athena
She can pick up a man larger than herself and throw him over her head. I don’t think anything else needs to be said here.
Blackquill | Who wins: Blackquill
Trust me, I would love to say ‘yeah, he’s a nerd, fight him’, but there’s no winning for you here. He might be a nerd but he’s also 188 cm tall and he has a sword and a hawk. He spent seven years in prison. And he’ll probably find out your biggest insecurity within a matter of minutes and make fun of you for it. Besides, what’s wrong with you? Dude’s life is hard enough as it is. Just leave him alone, it’s not worth it.
Fulbright | Who wins: Depends on whether it’s really him
But I suggest you punch him, just in case. You never know.