I'm just desperate for Adam to come back don't look at me

anonymous asked:

Hi,I'm I don't really know how to ask this I'm very shy and awkward. But I'm kinda questioning my sexuality and I was wondering if you had any tips on how to help me figure out what I could be? Like if you don't mind sharing were you always lesbian or did you have like boys too then maybe experimented? I don't really know what to do and how to figure this out by myself.

Okay so basically my gay timeline, I’ve had my fair share of male friends but my highest comfort level was always with females. Right from the start, and I didn’t really know being gay was a thing, because I grew up in north Texas, with my southern baptist family, and no one ever talked about it. I knew that no one talked about girls kissing other girls but I thought about it and I thought that I wouldn’t mind kissing another girl (this was maybe from 5-8 years old), and then I moved from Texas to Tennessee (from conservative…. to more conservative…) when I was 9. About the time I started going on the internet, learning more about political issues, and mostly- learning about the existence of homosexual people. The words “q*eer”, “f*ggot”, “d*ke” were tossed around as insults and with them came the stigma that gay people were inherently bad.

By the time I was 10, the summer after 5th grade, I had my first boyfriend. With him, I had my first kiss. I was nervous, I didn’t really want it. And he told me when I hesitated that it “shouldn’t be this hard”. So I let him kiss me, and it felt wrong, but I was the first of my friends to have a boyfriend, and my first kiss. In all honesty I really liked the attention. I liked it so much that when he broke up with me, I was devastated. I mistook that devastation for heartbreak. By the time I started 6th grade, I started watching degrassi (Canadian high school soap-opera), in it, I was exposed to lesbians. Fiona Coyne, the questioning lesbian, quickly became my favourite character. I became HEAVILY invested in her to the point where I developed my first girl crush. It freaked me out. I stopped watching the show, I shoved my feelings in a box, in the closet, and by the end of 6th grade, I had my second boyfriend. We kissed once, also through coercion. I didn’t enjoy it, and the relationship ended because we both decided that we mistook feelings of friendship for romantic feelings.

By the middle of seventh grade my hetero-posing ass had my 3rd (and last) boyfriend. Mind you this was THE PEAK of my eating disorder and anxiety disorder, and the beginning of my depression. I was desperate for attention and for validation, and because of this, I thought I was in love. I wanted his attention constantly, and I was very upset when he wanted to do other things. Which ended the relationship because he couldn’t provide the kind of attention I was looking for.

So you know my history with boyfriends. What about the actual gay part? I’m getting to that. My best friend from the time I moved (at 9) to this point (12) had been my rock. But in 7th grade, after her father died, the nature of our friendship changed. She became more attached and craved someone to hug and cling to, and THIS is the kind of attention I was after. I quickly, without knowing it, developed a crush on her due to the attention and the validation and physical affection.

So when she started talking to one of her crushes, what did I do? Sabotage their relationship by convincing myself I had a crush on him and sending him nudes (that’s illegal kids don’t do that)? You betcha I did. This put a halt on the relationship, for whatever reason lol. After 3 months of no talking (and still not considering my feelings for my friend and why I was so adamant about needing to send a flat chested tit pic to this 5'1 fuck boy in the making) whatsoever, she decided to forgive me. I apologised, and we moved on. She ended up dating the guy and talking to him constantly, which pissed me off for reason that I couldn’t understand.

And then one day it hit me. I wanted her to pay that kind of attention to me. I wanted her to talk to me 24/7. But I didn’t like her at all noooo because in the good old state of Tennessee liking people of the same sex is BAD and people who do it are BAD. So no, not gay. Just wanted attention. But then, in February (2015) she landed herself in the psychiatric hospital after a very bad night. In my fear of losing her I realised I wanted a life with her and I loved her and couldn’t live without her. At this point I’m like, “oh. Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck” so again I put those feeling back in the box on the shelf in the closet of gaybie shame (to keep my feelings for Fiona Coyne company). Didn’t talk about. didn’t think about it. Because my friend was straight, right? Right??

WRONG!! Because this friend got drunk one night after her break up with 5'1-fuck-boy (we did bad things okay but that’s not the point) and she said to me “I love you baby” so I’m like???? Yo? What’s up?? Next morning, sober, she wrote it off as “a very maternal need to protect” me. Okay whatever, now I’m onto her. But I don’t say anything. I keep it to myself so I don’t embarrass her or push her to do something she’s not comfortable with. But I’ve got my proof that she’s Down With The Homo, so I’m like okay I can maybe take the Gay Feelings ™ out of the closet. And I process them, and what conclusion. Do I come to? Bisexual. Specifically, heteroflexible. A month later, I tell someone for the very first time. Another month later. (This is actually the same month daddy and I met but she didn’t know about any of this at the time 😚) The friend says to me “I need to tell you something” so I say “okay, I need to tell you something too” and she says “okay” and I say “I’m bisexual” and she says “ME TOO” and I’m rolling my eyes thinking yah old news. We date. We break up, turns out she’s manipulative and emotionally abusive and it’s not a perfect love story and she went back to dating guys and she got pregnant last year and has a new boyfriend every two weeks so that’s how she’s doing in case you’re curious.

I tried dating another girl, didn’t work, I was rebounding, she was immature, she cheated on me. Whatever, didn’t care. Hardly even liked her. And now I’m dating my daddy, third (and hopefully last) girlfriend. And since being with her and feeling how FUCKING GREAT!!! It feels to be with a girl, I wouldn’t go back to guys, of course, I like people not genders so maybe I’d consider it. But I’m primarily attracted to female *cough* anatomy, so it would take a lot of interest for me to pursue a relationship with anyone who isn’t female identifying, (down for all females not just cis ones but I do still have a big preference for female bodies)

Long (loooooong) story short. Always been gay, didn’t always know, do some experimenting, try both (all) sides, get a feel of what you’re into and don’t be afraid (and don’t keep yourself in the damn closet for a decade bc I didn’t make it sound as painful as it was but it really really was painful)

For @perpetuallycaffeinated who came up with the brilliant idea of “DEMON!NIGEL, HAVING GONE TO HELL AFTER HE WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD, SUMMONED BY A DESPERATE ADAM RAKI WHO MOVED BACK TO NEW YORK”

-

“I could kill them.” Nigel said. He snapped his fingers. “Just like that. Gone. Snap their shitty little human necks.”

“They don’t deserve to die because I lost my job.”

“They made you sad. I think it’s a fair fucking price if you ask me.”

“Well, I didn’t ask you.” Adam shifted his box. All his projects he’d started at the company. It was odd to see so many hours of his life fitting neatly inside a cardboard box.

“Why the fuck did you summon me, anyways? This is a perfect opportunity to show you my power and you got me on a damn leash like some sort of fucking dog, Adam.”

“The spell said ‘eternal devotion’. The reasons behind my actions seem fairly self explanatory.” Adam looked to Nigel from the corner of his eye, watching how Nigel managed to take a left turn in the busy road without even looking.

“Fucking here for cuddling when I could be ripping those bastards throats out.” Nigel growled, the sound reminded Adam of something bestial. His teeth were even bared. “What the fuck are you smiling about? You were a mess ten seconds ago.”

“I like that you’re angry for me.”

“You like me being pissed?” Nigel laughed, a loud bark that had him hitting the steering wheel twice. “Fucking strange you are, darling. And this is coming from someone who’s been to Hell.”

Adam shrugged, hugged his box closer to his chest. He wanted to ask about Hell, but Nigel seemed adamant to not answer a single one of his questions.

“No one’s ever been angry for me before. Only Harlan. And my dad.”

Nigel sighed. He lit a cigarette, letting go of the steering wheel entirely. The car took the next turn all on its own.

“Humans are fucking morons, Adam.” He blew out a perfect smoke ring. Adam rolled his window down. “You’re too good for them. They’re just too stupid to see you.”

“Intelligence doesn’t effect eyesight, Nigel.”

“Don’t be a smart ass.”

Adam smiled.

nerdibi  asked:

i'm desperate for some meta from outside the destiel/dean is bi hive mind about dean's confession in paint it black. I'm struggling trying to get my shipper goggles off for that scene and i can't find much of anything that isn't screaming and sobbing about deancas and, don't get me wrong, that's where i am too! but i really need to see it from another pov. Have you come across anything?

I’ve gotta admit, if you’re looking for someone outside the bi!Dean ‘sphere, I’m probably not the one to go to, ‘cause I got on that train shortly after starting the series and wild horses couldn’t drag be back off of it. I’ve yet to see a valid (ie, not drowning in biphobia, heterosexism, and antilogic) argument for why Dean has to be heterosexual (there really isn’t one).

There incontrovertible core of the confession scene is that Dean wants more out of a relationship than he’s getting now (a brother he still treats as a son, a best friend he holds at arm’s length). Even if one knows exactly nothing about foreshadowing or Chekhov’s gun, that’s the baseline of what he’s saying. The very shallowest reading is that he’s dissatisfied with womanising, and wants something deeper, more meaningful, and fundamentally different from what he’s had in the past. This in and of itself doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll get it (cue the Stones yet again).

As one pays more attention to what he’s saying in this rare moment of bare-hearted honesty, one finds more clues as to what and whom he wants. He says “There are things – people, feelings” indicating that he has someone in mind. Is this a regret about not having truly been in love with Lisa, or a lament that some fling he’d led on wasn’t the real deal? It could have been but for the fact that the next part of that line is “that I want to experience differently than I have before, maybe even for the first time.” He’s not talking about someone from his past. He’s specifically talking about his present and future.

As in the Stones clause above, this is not a guarantee that it is someone in his present. It could instead be a setup for a brand new character being introduced for the sole purpose of being Dean’s (probably hetero) love interest. We’ve seen exactly how well that has gone over in the past, though – the term “lead baloon” comes to mind. Meanwhile, he does have an established character with years worth of subtext and a profound emotional bond, whose actor is already on the payroll for next season, and who has a large and devoted fanbase. So no, it doesn’t have to be Castiel that he’s talking about, but that is the most logical answer both for Dean and for the show.

The writers could also just let it hang over Dean’s head. He didn’t want to go to Hell, either, and look how that turned out – though it absolutely must be noted that the original plan was for Sam to save Dean and get him out of his contract that the 11th hour, but the Writers’ Strike forced TPTB to reorganise the plot of season 3 in addition to truncating it to 16 episodes from their usual 22. [source]

In any case, there are plenty of plot elements that go without further exploration, such as the Antichrist, the door between Hell and Purgatory, and the fact that human souls can’t get into Heaven* (don’t any of y’all pipe up about Adam because he was brought up again and his story officially closed in 6.11 whether you like it or not). The recurring theme there is that they seldom relate directly to the regulars. In the past whenever a meaningful secret comes out like this, it always comes back up, and generally spreaking the more dramatic a scene it’s given the bigger the way it comes back (eg, Crowley using witchcraft to kill people off while explaining that he’d learned it from his mother, then his mother shows up as a recurring character). 

Because of that I find it unlikely that they’ll never revisit this at all — though the course of the story is going to demand that they deal with the Mark of Cain first to give him that new lease on life that will allow him to explore these people and feelings.

The long and short of it is that he’s not explicitly talking about Castiel or a romantic/sexual relationship with a man (or a celestial being inhabiting the otherwise-vacant body of a man). That doesn’t mean it’s not the most logical assumption to draw from his word choice.

*Actually it looks like this might FINALLY get addressed in 10.17 — fingers crossed!

Fanfiction! In Time.

Sooo, this happened when I was waiting for my train. And I told myself I wasn’t gonna write more FF hehe but I guess we all can use a little fluff and comforting thoughts.

1246 words
English is not my 1st language. Go easy ;)


In time.


Aaron sat at the bar, disheartened after another failed deal for the scrapyard. Ever since he’d lost Robert all other things seemed to have gone awry. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t stay focused on work and even he and Adam had fallen out on a numerous of occasions. And he couldn’t tell him why. Outing someone was not something he would do. He knew first hand what that could do to a person.
 
He’d come close to telling Paddy, backing out in the last second, coming up with some faux story of some first date that didn’t last long.
 
He’d snarled at his mother enough times for her to know that there was no point in bringing the subject to surface again.
 
So he sat, at the bar, pint in his hand, licking his wounds in his lonesome. There was just one other person who would understand and he wasn’t around anymore.
 
He had chosen her.
 
It had been three months but the thought still made his heart wrench. And he damned himself for getting so wrapped up in someone he knew he could never have. Why had he let himself fall so hard? He had known, and Robert had made it perfectly clear, that nothing could come from their affair. Still, he had hoped. Yeah Robert could be a real ass sometimes, dropping her name into conversations, not realizing how much it hurt him.
But then there was the sweet side to him that he hadn’t seen him display to anyone else: the hugs, the comforting tone of his voice, the arm around his waist during the few nights they had spent together.
 
“Another one?” Diane’s voice interrupted his thoughts. She nodded at his almost empty glass.
 
“Nah, you’re alright” he said, swirling the glass but making no attempt of drinking. He just kept staring at the liquid, as if he needed something, anything, to focus on to keep him steady. To keep him from falling.
 
“I hate seeing you so sad” She nodded her head over at Chas who was on the other side of the bar. “She’s worried about you, you know”
 
Aaron glanced quickly in his mother’s direction. “Well you can tell her to stop, I’m fine” he said, voice deep and determined.
 
Diane smiled vaguely at him, knowing there was nothing more she could say before turning her head to another customer.
 
Aaron threw back the last of his beer. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone!? He slammed the glass down hard, receiving an annoyed look from his mother.
 
“Oy, take it easy” Chas reprimanded.
 
“Whatever” he stood up and was just about to head for the backroom when he felt a hand on his arm. Robert. “What do you want?” he asked somewhat angrily, because if he stayed in a sulky mood he’d be able to control himself. He’d be able to restrain himself from being the lovesick little boy that he always was around him. And he hated himself for it.
 
“Can we talk?” Robert asked quietly.
 
“Didn’t think we had anything to talk about” he was now looking intently at Robert, who, to his surprise, looked smaller than usual, who seemed to suddenly lack all his sway and cockiness. Who, looked afraid?
 
“Please Aaron, can we just go in the back?” his tone was almost desperate.
 
Aaron kept his gaze, trying to figure out what he wanted from him. What it could possibly be after all this time. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He’d hurt enough and he wasn’t going to be hurt again. “No” he said shortly and turned around, making his way behind the bar.
 
Robert’s head sank, his gaze fell to the floor and his thumb and finger rubbed the potential tears out of his eyes. He had to do something. Anything. He looked up, and saw Aaron nearly head out of the room. It was now or never.
“I love you too!” he yelled, loud and clear for the whole pub to hear. Chas and Diane both stopped in their tracks and they were now looking back and forth between them, filled with shock.
 
Aaron froze at the words. Did he hear them right? Was Robert really saying what he’d given up all hope of ever hearing? He was afraid to turn around and discover it was all a joke, that Chrissie had walked in and the words were really meant for her. He could hear his heart palpitating deep in his chest and each thud became harder as he slowly turned around and was met by several people looking at him, Chas, Diane, few of the regulars, Cain and Moira in the back of the pub. It was completely silent. And on his left side, there he was, Robert, looking as serious as he’d ever seen him and he now took a few steps forward, closing their distance even further.
 
It wasn’t a joke.
 
“I love you too” Robert’s words were quieter now, more fragile. On step closer. “I’ve been an idiot.” His eyes were shining. “I’m so sorry”
 
Aaron was glued to his spot, afraid that if he moved some sort of spell would be broken and all of this would be a dream.
 
“Say something then” Robert pleaded. It was still so quiet around them. He took another step closer to Aaron, approaching carefully as if to not scare him away.
 
“I..” Aaron started, but his voice and words failed him. A single tear made its way out of the corner of his right eye and he quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. He wasn’t prepared to show himself so vulnerable again. He couldn’t go through this again. He gnawed on his lower lip. There was a long pause. “Don’t mess me around” he finally said, his voice small and his eyes scared.
 
“I’m not messing you around” Robert’s answer came quickly and with utter earnest. “I’ve left Chrissie and I’ve been a fool and I can’t stop thinking about you and I am so so..”
He didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before Aaron had closed the gap between them and planted his lips on his. And they were as sweet and soft as he could remember and how he ever had managed to live without them was beyond him, without the intoxicating smell that was Aaron’s and all the softness and hardness in just the right places. And he didn’t really care who was in the pub or what they would say. He’d heard most comments about him anyway. For the first time in his life, he was in the right place and he never wanted to let go.
 
“Fish and chips, table..” Victoria’s voice broke the silence of the pub before she dropped the plates on the floor as well as her jaw. “Oh my goood” she stared at her brother and friend.
 
Diane quickly bend down to help Victoria with the food on the floor. “When did all this happen?” Victoria whispered not so quietly to Diane.
 
“Your guess is as good as mine pet. It would certainly explain why Robert’s been in a worse mood than usual lately. ”
 
It was Aaron who broke their embrace first, remembering where they were. His eyes were beaming and he had to chew on the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from grinning like an idiot. He shot a quick glance around the room. “Should we go somewhere else?”
 
Robert smiled and reached for Aaron’s hand. “Lead the way”

How the SPN Season 9 Finale should go down:

Sam, Dean, Castiel, Crowley and Abaddon finally have the epic showdown we all know is coming. Dean wielding the First Blade in a murderous rage, Castiel with his Army of angels, and Abaddon and Crowley with their own followers, mercilessly tearing each other apart for the right to the throne. 

Right at the climax of the battle, when you think you know who’s going to come out victor, the door is blasted inward off it’s hinges. 

Everyone stops when the cold, unforgiving face of Adam Milligan is brought into view as he slowly steps out of the shadows.

“You’re all wrong.”

He walks forward and his eyes change from black to red.

I'm the King of Hell.”

hero-complex-girl  asked:

I'm curious about your answer to this question: Now that the sheriff has finally seen just how evil Theo is, and finally knows that Stiles was right about him, do you think he's finally going to start believing Stiles now? Personally, I'd love to think he and Stiles will become much closer now going off their ending scene in 5A, and that he will start taking Stiles' claims seriously, but the sheriff has disappointed me many times in the past, so I don't even want to get my hopes up this time.

I’ve got an anon asking roughly the same thing, so I’m going to combine the two

Anon: given we’ve heard Scott and Stiles won’t make up immediately, do you think it will affect stiles’ relationship with his dad? he’s made a comment here and there favoring scott over stiles, which were meant to be jokes, but do you think Stiles may think his dad is taking Scott’s side? Or maybe that the Sheriff might actually take Scott’s side?


**

First of all let’s pray that the sheriff recovers from whatever Theo did to him. It does sound like it will be touch and go… *fingers crossed*

The sheriff clearly loves Stiles and goes into frantic panic mode whenever he disappears or something happens to him. But at the same time there seem to be underlying trust issues. When it comes down to it the sheriff seldom take Stiles’ theories, suggestions and ideas seriously unless someone else, preferably Scott is there to back it up. I don’t think it’s a conscious thing on the sheriff’s part. I don’t think he realizes what it does to Stiles. That doesn’t make it alright, but at least it’s not malicious and deliberately abusive. It still hurts though… 

Like you mention we have all these little comedic moments that on a surface level are funny, but when you stop to look more closely it’s actually quite heartbreaking. In fact, I’ve learned to stop and look closer whenever a funny moment happens in this show, knowing that it often hides a clue to something more serious in plain sight.

I won’t list all the examples, it takes forever. But the sheriff and Scott share some characteristics in that they tend to overlook Stiles and his intuition. We know so little about their past, so this is just speculation and headcanon on my part. But we have the wolfsbane hallucination from 2x08 where Stiles see his dad call him a hyperactive bastard, that he’s ruining his life and that he killed his mother and now he’s killing him. I don’t actually think this really happened. Not exactly like this anyway. If it is based on a real life event it’s probably twisted and made much worse by Stiles’ interpretation. But if Stiles believes this - believes that this is how his dad sees him, it might just as well become sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy, Stiles feeling he “deserves” to be treated and viewed like this and his behavior reflects it, and he’ll interpret everything his dad says in light of what he believes is the truth, assuming the worst. 

Also the sheriff and Scott share a similar world view. They see things in black and white. the sheriff is all about following the law, not making exceptions and crossing the line. Scott is dead against killing at any cost, not seeing the gray areas like self-defense and protective measures. Stiles is all about the creative definitions, he’s willing to step into the gray area for a good cause, he’s willing to bend the rules for the people he loves and are desperate not to lose.

In fact I’ve been saying for a while that Stiles and Melissa parallel each other, while the Sheriff and Scott do the same. (and Melissa and Stiles tend to build up Scott as a hero, and allows form him to avoid consequences. Stiles because he’s scared to lose him and Melissa because she doesn’t have all the information, only knows the things Scott wants her to know).  This season has brought that into better focus - Scott’s adamant claim not to kill, not opening up to self-defense because the chimeras are victims, while Stiles ends up killing in self-defense and out of fear of both Scott’s and his dad’s reaction keeps it to himself. 

And then we have Melissa who asks the sheriff to keep certain things out of police business, berates him when he refused, predicting that unless he learns how to bend something will break.

That something seems to be Stiles. His relationship to Scott is already broken. Scott refused to bend, and the friendsship. The sheriff refused to bend and now his and Melissa’s usual tag-team is on the outs as well. Melissa’s trust in the sheriff is probably broken. So the question remains - will the sheriff bend for Stiles?

I think he will. Melissa is still in Scott’s corner. I think the sheriff will stand in Stiles’. Providing he survives, and I think he will. 

I think the major difference between scott and the sheriff is that the sheriff seeks the truth. He’s a detective and he kept on investigating the episode in the library, he heard Theo’s story and possibly believed it. But with Stiles’ card being found I think he was on track to figure it out. Theo attacking it just expedited it. I think the sheriff will do the thing Scott didn’t - ask for Stiles’ side of the story. 

In addition there is also the point that the sheriff loves Stiles, flaws and all. I don’t think the jokes and jabs he doles out are meant to hurt. I don’t think he realizes how it affects Stiles and he’s clueless to just how low self-esteem his son actually has. If he had even an inkling I think he’d stop without question. The problem with them have always been communication. And Stiles needs to take some of the blame for that as well, because he’s awfully good at putting up the “i’m fine” facade. 

I actually think this can be a turning point for them. It would be good for Stiles to have someone believe him.