I'm dead serious

I genuinely love confusing smut.

Where did their pants go? Were they not wearing any?
I thought he was on his back, how’s he grinding his dick into the bed?
He just had a gag in his mouth, now he’s sucking cock?
One hand holding him up, one hand on his dick, one hand fingering himself.
He’s supposed to be tied down but he just ran his hand through his hair…

It fulfills my headcanon that every person in every ship is a nudist, telekinetic, mutant contortionist.


Okay first of all you’re probably going to think this is a bad joke but I’M SERIOUS

So, I’m baking cookies and this though comes to me and I just can’t get it out of my head:

Why are they called cookies? They aren’t cooked, they’re baked.  Shouldn’t they be called bakies???

The ultimate Steven Universe conspiracy: 

In Greg the Babysitter, Vidalia’s babysitter can’t work because of a “death in the family” (which is revealed to be a hamster).

Vidalia also mentions that this babysitter is 12 years old at the time, which means they’re about 12-13 years older than Sour Cream. If Sour Cream is currently somewhere between 15-18, this would mean the babysitter is currently in their late 20s, early 30s. Most people in the show are either “parent age” (Greg, Vidalia, Mayor Dewey), “teen age” (Sadie, Cool Kids, Ronaldo), or “kids age” (Connie, Onion, Petey). This leaves but one option:

Originally posted by garnets-hips-dont-lie

Which leads me to the most important fact in the entire show: Jamie the Mailman used to have a hamster.

I was going to take an online test with some of my classmates tomorrow and this one girl just asked in the group chat if one of us can take it for her because she went to a nevershoutnever concert tonight and is on her way to Portland with him on his tour bus and is about to fuck him. I’m… ??????