I went to Shabbat services today, for the first time since he has passed away. Today was the memorial service, and tomorrow marks three years free. The High Holy Days begin soon and I’m always reflective during this time of year regardless for that reason, but today, we talked about justice and giving. Bettering our fellow man. Traditionally, women don’t recite Kaddish. Traditionally, we recite it for family members, and one of the most alienating things is having a friend pass away that is not a Jew nor a family member while you’re still on your way home. So you send a message or two, and hold your breath and hope that Kaddish isn’t said in vain, and still stumble your way about it, even when the one who is offering you guidance encourages you in this.
With me, I began to wonder if I wasn’t just reciting it in mourning on behalf of my friend, and his soul, but also on behalf of the death of my previous world view. I always knew of the world’s danger-but I rarely faced it. The leaves are turning color as I turn inward on a new year, and I reflect on the death of the old, the tangible tragedy that is his death, and I look for more ways I can bring justice to my small piece of this world. I’m realizing, or perhaps this is just today’s enlightenment, that the articles I write are not just centric to me in upholding a Jewish value in pursuing justice, but centric to me as a person.
I’m reading a book my rabbi gave me and all it’s been doing is reaffirming what I have been doing. To write, to talk, to move forward, to rest.
I sent flowers today. I’ve recited Kaddish. I went to synagogue and felt wonderful and welcomed and discussed classes and what it means to be Jewish over lunch while we celebrated a member’s bar mitzvah, and once again, I was reminded, and will continue to be reminded-that life goes forward.
What cannot be changed is what happened, what can changed is how it continues to happen.
If I keep talking about this, if this flame keeps burning for as long as G-D wills it to and I find others willing to carry the torch, perhaps someday, generations of disabled children-both Jewish and gentile, will know of their value.
Their life is a world.
Theron’s life was a world.
My life is a world.
This is how I can be sure his memory is a blessing.
I am small, but I am mighty. I am not alone.
Change is not founded in vengance. It is founded in peace. It is founded in justice.
The thing with music is that it comes easy then becomes really hard then comes easy again / sometimes (I) sit there for dozens of days and nothing comes out and other times (I’m) there for only ten minutes and music comes out / hmm (I’ve) been making music for 11years now and it’s still hard haha like life _____
Turns out I started making music since I was 13
During this long journey I think I was able to take time to organize my thoughts on who the person ‘me’ is / although I was able to organize my thoughts on who I am, I’m not going to tell _____
Of my beats, I chose only the aces to work with / I had saved them for Bangtan’s album but well…I think I’ll be able to make better music anyways :) / I’ll be doing music for much longer than I have been so far *laugh* _____
I spent close to half my life making music, you’d think it’d get tiring but while living my 24years there hasn’t been anything else I’ve been as passionate for / since my personality is impatient anytime I started something new it never lasted :) _____
I’ve always wanted to be the best to someone
That’s why I was restless and anxious while comparing myself to others, not being satisfied (with my work), being greedy, thinking, being sad…
Greed which was a weapon sometimes turned into anger
While working on this mixtape, (I) went back to my 13 year old self and saw a memory stuck in the corner of my mind / When I first started making music, rather than someone who is the best at making music, I wanted to make music that would give comfort and emotions to someone. _____
I think this work has been work that brought me comfort
Why does this young guy have so much resentment
The guy of expectations was always so far from me so there were many times when I clenched my jaw* / due to that I was always able to show you beyond expectation
What a relief :) _____
I don’t really like interpreting and explaining songs
Music isn’t the creator’s but the listener’s
That’s why during my album reviews I don’t explain the song or the lyrics but I focus on the process in making the songs / Even if I were to explain, it’s not something that really can be understood / Interpretation is solely on the listener
Chew it out, tear it apart, taste it, enjoy it to your heart’s content _____
While doing this work I felt like I was going back and forth between heaven and hell multiples times a day / Sometimes I’d feel great about something and then get scared about messing it up / sometimes I’d feel ah this is enough and then feel a bit of regret / It felt quite different from what I felt (while doing) Bangtan’s album / I started this while going around on tour and it was crazy but while working on the second half I’m thankful I had some breathing room because the bighit family helped. ____
Thank you to Yankie hyung and Suran nuna who helped without hesitation with just one phone call even though it’s not even an official album and just a mixtape :) ____
Will be together with you at your creation and at the end of your life Wherever you are, will welcome you In the end, at the end of adversity, will be in full bloom Though the start may be humble, the end will be prosperous *lyrics from so far away feat. suran*
Peaceful mornings at the Skywalker residence. Sorry I was too lazy to google a more legit prosthetic.
EDIT: This is way too late and probably futile, but for the record, this comic takes place in a domestic Earth AU.