i acted like it wasn’t a big deal, when really it was breaking my heart.

Day 17

When making your brother an ARMY backfires …

Me: Mom, after the divorce, when you leave Dad, you don’t plan on staying single forever, do you?

Mom: I’ve never thought about it, why?

Me: Well, there’s this guy. A Korean guy.

Mom: A Korean guy?

Me: Yeah, can I set you up with him?

Mom: Uh, how on Earth did you get in contact with a Korean man? We live in South-Asia.

Me: I have my ways.

Mom: I need details.

Me: Well, he’s 45 years old, you’re 40. It could work out.

Mom: Name?

Me: Bang Shi Hyuk.

Mom: Anything else? Has he been married before?

Me: Nope. He has seven sons, though.

Mom: S-SEVEN SONS? HOW DID HE END UP WITH SO MANY? THATS LIKE A WOLF PACK!

Me: No, they’re all older than me. And very well-behaved, too. Like they’ll take care of you. Not the other way around.

My brother *walking into the room*: One of them wrote a song with the lyrics, ‘I’m a master, baby, with your bra.’

Mom: WHAT? THAT’S HORRIBLE!

My brother: And if you think they’re brothers, it’s anything but that. Incest left and right.

Mom: What kind of nonsense-

My brother: Oh and one wants to be Sex Porn Star.

Me *shoving hand over my asshole of a brother’s mouth* It’s not like that. They’re really nice. They do their homework-

My brother: Their youngest failed his English exam.

Me: They’re modest-

My brother: Their computers get invested with viruses because they watch too much porn.

Me: They go to bed on time-

My brother: Two of them play videogames until five in the morning.

Me: They’re down to earth.

My brother: Their eldest thinks he’s worldwide handsome and once said his own mother cried when he was born because she could never be as beautiful as him.

Me: They’ll help you with the house chores-

My brother: One of them said he wants to be a rock in his next life so he could sleep and not do work.

Me: They’re very quiet and not noisy like-

My brother: They scream on the top of their lungs when they’re excited no matter what the setting.

Me: They’re super smart-

My brother: Once, during this interview, they were asked what their favourite American food was and one of them said Sprite. No joke.

Me: They dress well-

My brother: Did I mention this really short one stripped down at an award show to flash his abs?

Me: Mom, don’t listen to him! You’ll inherit a company-

My brother *snorting*: Yeah, a company that doesn’t equally distribute lines.

Mom: Get out of my room.

Mom: Get out of my room, right now.