You Left Me (Cassian Andor x Reader)
This was requested by tinkerbellstwin.
Before I start this off I just have to say thank you. Sincerely, thank you. I have been writing fiction since before I can remember, but I’ve never posted anything before. The fact that it’s so well received blows my mind and makes me the happiest person alive. If you have any requests, don’t hesitate to message me, and please feel free to comment on anything. You are all angels.
Okay now that you’ve all had a taste of how sappy I am, let’s get on with this.
Pairing(s): Cassian x Reader
Words: 2795 (I kind got carried away…)
Warnings: angst, fear, like two curse words, major feelings??
The first thing you feel is the cold.
Reaching out across your blankets, you feel around for Cassian. Your hand reaches the other edge of the bed without finding another body. The other body that fell asleep next to you last night. The body that had slept next to you every night, without fail, for the 7 months that your best friend had lived with you.
You shoot up, scanning the room for Cassian. His shoes are gone from the foot of your bed and his jacket is no longer hanging on your chair.
There’s no note on your table, nothing to tell you where he’s gone or if he’ll come back to your room. A sick feeling settles in your gut.
You pull on your boots and thin jacket before sprinting out of your room. The halls are empty.
You beeline for the airfield, noticing immediately that Cassian’s u-wing is gone. You think through the events of the past few days. Did he say he was leaving? Did he mention a mission? Nothing rings a bell.
You head to the dining hall, trying to find Vera, a friend of yours that often works with Cassian. She’s nowhere to be found, and neither is her girlfriend, Blair. No one else seems to notice the missing faces, but they do notice your frantic behavior and unease.
“Captain, are you alright?” a nurse named Millie asks.
“I’m fine, thank you. I just seem to have misplaced Captain Andor. You haven’t seen him, have you?” you try to ask lightly.
“No, I’m afraid I haven’t. But I’ll let him know that you’re looking for him if I see him.”
You search the entire compound, but can’t seem to find him. The missing ship worries you.
That evening, you confront Mon Mothma about it. She’s in the middle of her diner. You sit down across from her, “Sorry to disturb you.” You start off, hoping that by getting into her good graces, she’ll tell you what the hell is going on.
“Don’t worry about that, Captain. What seems to be the problem?” For being our leading political figure, her composure is surprisingly easy to crack.
“Captain Cassian Andor seems to be missing, and his ship isn’t on the landing pad.” She drops her head, spearing a carrot with her fork. “I must not remember being told about a mission. Do you know where he is?”
She puts down her fork. “Need to know basis only, I’m afraid. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to return to my diner.”
Knowing that the dining hall wasn’t the right place to make a scene, you nod and back away quietly, returning to your aimless pacing outside of your room.
Something could have happened to him. Anything could happen to him. You’re not there to watch his back. You don’t even know where he is. You chew at your thumb nail, running scenarios in your head.
You stay up well past dark, waiting for Cassian to return and tell you that everything is alright. You can’t sleep without him in the bed next to you.
The two of you had always been friends, and he didn’t know how strong your feelings were for him. He wasn’t someone that was ordinarily dense, but when it came to your feelings, he was a brick wall. There was nothing platonic about the way you thought about him, and he didn’t seem to notice. If you lost him…
You’re hands begin to shake as you realize that he left. He could have told you, and he didn’t. You can’t contain your anger as you pace your room, muttering to yourself.
In an attempt to stop worrying and take some action, you decide to find Mon Mothma and ask again. You’re one of the best pilots in the Alliance. You have a very successful record. She can’t just deny you.
Hurrying through the halls, you try not to draw much attention to yourself. You pass everyone quickly, head down, the purpose of your mission a mystery but the presence of a purpose evident.
You reach the council room, assuming that she will be in there. You hadn’t realized that a council meeting was in session before your hand in on the knob. You pause, hearing voices.
“They should have returned before sundown. This was a basic reconnaissance mission. They should not still be in the field.” A man says. You can’t identify the owner of the voice.
“There was nothing basic about their mission, Senator.” Mon Mothma speaks up. “Jalucan is in the heart of imperial territory. I agree, they should have returned by now. But the odds of this mission failing were high. Captain Andor knew that when he agreed—“
That’s all it takes.
You burst through the doors, shouting, “You sent him to Jalucan?”
“Captain, please,” a few council members stand and attempt to subdue you.
“Get out of my way.” You push them, and end up standing in a circle of guards and council members, facing Mon Mothma. “Tell me what the mission was.” You beg, the anger laced in your tone causing a few people to take a step back.
“We sent Captain Andor and a team of 10 to Jalucan to retrieve information about the Clone armies, and statistics about weaponry and droid manufacturing.” Mothma explains.
“You sent them on a suicide mission.” You spit.
“We need the information.” A woman you can’t see speaks up.
“Why wasn’t I sent? Cassian and I could have completed that mission together. Two ships. Two teams. Better odds.”
The room is quiet.
“You are too valuable to risk on a mission like this.”
“And Captain Andor isn’t? You said you need this information? Have I not proven myself to be reliable?” you take a deep breath and try to calm yourself. “I just want to understand.”
“Someone please escort the Captain from the room.” Mon Mothma waves a hand at you and turns her back.
You’re dragged out of the room. The doors are slammed in your face and bolted.
You manage to make it back to your room before tears escape your eyes. Sobs wrack your body as you lay in bed, trying desperately to sleep. Cassian is gone. He might never come back. He’s on Jalucan of all places.
He could be dead.
Your tears eventually run dry, and you fall into a fitful sleep.
It takes three days for them to return.
You had locked yourself away, refusing summons, refusing orders, your anger fierce and unquenchable.
Lea, a young pilot, bangs on your door for the second time that day and says, “We just received word in the com tower. They’re back.”
You throw open the door and blow past her. You reach the airfield just as a crowd gathers to watch them land. The moment the ship touches the ground, the back gate opens.
A bloody Cena stumbles out of the ship. Two men carry a third between them, following her. You don’t recognize them at first, under all the dirt and blood.
It’s Cassian, suspended between Juren and Galgi, his head hanging limply. Your chest seizes up. You push through the crowd to Cassian. Shoving Galgi out of the way, you take his place supporting Cassian. “What happened?” you spit at him.
“The troopers were on us the moment we opened the doors. They knew we were coming.” Galgi huffs. “Senani went down, and the Captain went out after him. His body is in the ship.”
“Dammit Cassian.” You hiss in his ear, hoping he can hear you, “Why do you always have to play hero?” you turn back to Galgi “Did you lose anyone else?”
“Vera and Blair.” Juren answers. “We couldn’t save their bodies.”
“Did you at least get the info?” Galgi shakes his head. “Trooper stats? Blaster count? Base locations?”
“We were pinned down the moment we got there. We couldn’t get anything. We had to stop on some moon for days to avoid patrols and repair the hyperdrive. The amount of times that we almost got caught… we couldn’t retrieve any data. I’m sorry.”
Three lives, lost for nothing. You try to contain your anger, but can’t help but spit, “We have to get him to the infirmary. You can go find Mothma.”
Galgi steps away, nodding his head at me respectfully. “Yes, ma’am.”
A man you can’t name steps ahead of us, wheeling a stretcher in our path. “Here.” He says calmly. “Lay him down.” You and Juren lift Cassian up and lay him as gently as possible on the stretcher. Cassian groans in pain, the first noise you’ve heard from him.
You kiss his forehead quickly, “Stay alive.” You order, voice quiet.
The man wheels him away. A sick feeling settles in your gut as you watch him leave you again, but you know that staying with him right now will just get you kicked out. Wait a moment, you tell yourself. He’s not leaving any time soon.
You and Juren return to the ship for a moment to ensure that everyone has gotten off safely. Senani’s body has already been removed.
You try to distract yourself from running off after Cassian. It doesn’t work. He’s all you can think about.
Juren breaks the tense silence, “How did you find out about the mission?”
“Mothma. I wouldn’t leave her alone until she told me.” It comes out as a near-snarl. “What I want to know…” you turn on him, “Is why I wasn’t told in the first place.”
“The captain wanted to tell you. He tried to bargain with Mothma to bring you along. She wasn’t having any of it. She said that the two of you were a dangerous pairing. In front of everyone.” His words are jumbled and rushed. “I’m sorry. We would have been defying direct orders.”
You grit your teeth and whisper, “Dangerous pairing?”
“Something about sacrificing the mission to save each other.” Before you can turn on him, he raises both hands in surrender, “Her words, not mine.”
You storm out of the ship, past K-2, and across the airfield to where Mon Mothma was standing with Galgi. “Please excuse us for a moment.” You tell Galgi.
“Captain…” she starts, but you cut her off.
“Let me speak.” A look of resignation crosses her face, but she stays silent. “I don’t understand why you are under the impression that my work with Cassian Andor is anything but adequate. We are the most successful pairing in the Alliance. I have access to those stats. I know that for a fact. You compromised the mission by keeping us apart. Why?”
She takes a moment before explaining, “If the mission went south, I needed to ensure that one of you would be kept alive. Even if I had sent you, we would not have attained the objective.”
“Bullshit.” You snarl.
She lifts her head, looking down the bridge of her nose at me, “The ‘spirit’ that keeps you alive on the field has no place in politics. Follow your orders, or you may find yourself somewhere you’d rather not be. Now, I would advise that you spend what time you can with Captain Andor.”
You strut away from her and to the infirmary, picking up your pace to a run once out of sight.
Reaching the doorway, you see many of Cassian’s company laying on beds and getting stitched up. “He’s through there.” Millie, the nurse, points you through a set of doors.
You nod in thanks and push them open.
Cassian lays on the bed, shirtless. Large lacerations crisscross over past scars across his chest. One side of his face soaks the pillow under him in blood. An older man stands over Cassian, stitching a large cut across his collarbone. His head snaps up as you enter.
“I won’t get in your way.” You promise. “I just need to be with him. How can I help you?”
He nods once and gestures to a table in the corner. “Get me more thread. I can’t stitch all of this using the current method. I have to go traditional.”
You nod, tearing your eyes away from Cassian’s broken form and handing the man the spool.
The two of you work side by side for hours, cleaning, stitching and trying not to flinch every time Cassian groans or convulses in pain. Each time it happens, you thank the maker that he’s still alive to distract yourself from the fear that soon, he may not be.
It’s into the early hours of the morning before the man (whose name, you learn, is Abistus) tells you he’s done all he can. Cassian still hasn’t woken since you arrived.
Without asking permission, you pull a wooden chair from where it was tucked under the desk, and sit next to Cassian. Abistus rolls his eyes slightly, wishes you a goodnight, and closes the door with a click.
You let your head fall into your hands, the exhaustion and weight of life resting on your shoulders. You aren’t sure how long you sit there before you murmur, “Come on, Cassian. I can’t lose you.”
“Not planning on that.” He groans.
Your head snaps up, “Cassian?”
His eyes are dull and sunken, but open. He looks down at himself and makes a sound of disgust. You giggle slightly, Cassian’s eyes meeting yours and a small smile gracing his lips. “Is my pain funny to you?” he teases.
“No of course not. Your ‘ew’ sound is funny to me.” He laughs at that, wincing at the sudden movement.
“Don’t make me laugh. It hurts.” He whines quietly.
“Don’t make me laugh. I’m trying to be mad at you.” The smile falls from his face.
He takes a deep breath, “I couldn’t tell you. I would have been—“
“Disobeying direct orders.” You finish is sentence. “I know. Juren told me.”
You see unease in Cassian’s eyes. He hesitates before asking, “Did he… tell you anything else?”
“He told me what Mon Mothma said about us being a dangerous pairing. I confronted her about it.”
“That must have been a fun conversation.” He smiles.
“I sort of… yelled at her? A little bit?” Cassian laughs gently again. “I’m not letting that ever happen again. I’m going with you, or you aren’t going.”
“Why?” Cassian asks. “Why do you care so much? Why are you here with me? You should be mourning and helping the others.”
“I came straight here.” After yelling at our boss, you add mentally.
“But why?” his desperation is evident.
“Because I’m in love with you.” It slips out before you can stop it.
He freezes, mouth slightly open. You’re almost certain that he can hear your heartbeat from where he lays. “What?” he whispers.
“I’m in love with you.” You repeat. “I never wanted to fall in love. Not at all. But at some point you smiled and I was like holy shit, I blew It.” tears brim in your eyes. “When I woke up and you were gone, I was terrified. You left me, Cassian. You disappeared and I had to barge in on a council meeting to make enough of a scene for someone to tell me where you were. I was so scared I’d never see you again and I just…” You trail off, looking at the ground.
“Look at me.” He whispers. You look up. “I never wanted to scare you. You’re my best friend and I’ve had feelings for you since I met you, and I thought that maybe Mothma was right. That what I was feeling, the loyalty and want and love I felt for you, was dangerous.” You relax as he continues to speak. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“Don’t ever do that again.” Your tears fall and he reaches out a hand to brush them away.
“I promise I won’t ever leave you again.”
He falls asleep soon after that, and you rest your head on the bed, your fingers intertwined with his. Your eyes fall shut and you sleep soundly for the first time since he left.