She’s funny. Really funny. I have a completely different laugh when she makes me laugh. She’s smart. But not the kind of smart that makes you feel intimidated, she’s the kind of smart that makes you want to learn things just to keep up a conversation with her. And she’s beautiful… Like so beautiful that you have to look up at the sky to make sure the world’s still turning - the kind of beautiful that makes you forget how to breathe. Yeah… I forgot how to breathe. But it was like she seemed to notice that I forgot how to breathe, so she kissed me. And it was like her lips sent a shock straight to my heart and I suddenly remembered how to breathe again. Do I love her? The simplest answer? Yes. But even that… Is an understatement.
I sleep for twelve hours straight and have trouble leaving my house on the same day that I’m looking up the price of a plane ticket to Chicago, the price of a train ticket to San Francisco.
I am realizing that we have trouble accepting how human it is to be a human. We do not forgive ourselves for how much we feel. We get angry at ourselves for being hurt, angry at ourselves for needing love or attention, as if it is a shame to have any sort of imperfection at all.
I feel like a bad human sometimes and I don’t know what that means. I think it just means on days, I’m really bad at existing. I forget to feed myself and brush my teeth. I have trouble getting to sleep and sometimes I even forget how to breathe, how to take a deep breath, how to relax in the face of panic. I think I need to begin reminding myself some days being a human means feeling so much inside you that you need to shut out the world around you otherwise it’s all too much. Because sometimes when I’m alive I can feel everybody’s pain and all their stories of aching and missing. Because some days you can feel everybody else’s heavy and your heavy and you can’t even bring yourself to sit up in bed.
Sometimes being a human means being too quick to forgive the wrong people and taking an eternity to forgive yourself. Sometimes being a human is feeling lost as hell because you have no idea what to do and you have no idea who you are. Maybe being a human means always being terrified of not knowing what’s going to happen next in your life but being there to wake up the next morning anyway. Maybe being a human means knowing you’re loving the wrong people, but loving them anyway to learn a lesson.
Maybe it means standing in your own way sometimes. Maybe it means wanting things you can’t have, missing people who already walked out the door. Maybe it means always wanting to be in another place at another time. Sometimes it means feeling brave and exposed, but sometimes it means feeling small and invisible.
Maybe what makes a human a human is as simple as, “We are here. We are aching and alive, full of stories and light, and some days we forget how beautiful it is.”
Every time I look in your eyes I can see our future.
When you smile I forget what it’s like to feel lost.
When you kiss me I can taste what forever feels like.
When you hold me I know yours are the arms I want to wake up in for the rest of my life.
When you touch me I forget how to breathe.
Your voice sounds like the perfect mix of love and security
When you say my name I hear a beautiful melody, instead of just a sad song-maybe that’s why I’ve fallen so hard.
When I see you I know I’m looking at my forever
I miss your voice it’s driving me mad
Memories of midnight phone calls making me sad
Laying here numb I forget how to breathe
I cough up tears where no one can see
Patience is a virtue that’s what they say
Well I’ve waited centuries for you to convey
Also scared that if I hear your voice again
I might feel happiness start to creep in
You ask why that’s scarey to me - and this is the truth
I might be dumb enough to say that I truly love you.