On a better note tho, today @ the hospital I have this 95 yr old lady in my ward and she never gets any visitors bc she doesn’t have anymore close family and her kids lve far away, right? So i’m filing papers on my ward par usual when a nurse asks me to take her to the dining area because she was crying in her room. I’m a really big sap for that stuff so ofc i agree right away and I go see her. Eventually she and I make our way to the dining area by a huge glass window and I was like ‘would you like company?’ and she agreed. So i sat beside this lady and she takes my hand and we’re just holding hands and talking, and it’s p nice. Then she starts thanking me for doing this, for taking her out of her room and sitting with her, and she starts crying again and yo i’m like inches from tears but holding back. So she says I’m one of the nicest people for doing this, and then just goes back to holding hands w me. She eventually falls asleep by the window and then i start crying bc she was so thankful for such a small thing and I felt so bad.
Sometimes I cry, sometimes I completely shutdown, sometimes I just shrug it off, sometimes I cry til I fall asleep, sometimes I harm myself because I can’t make the pain inside of me go away so I harm myself on the outside because I’m just not good enough.