I CANNOT PICK BETWEEN MY BABIES

Day Twenty-Six

-An elderly woman approached an empty checkout lane. After tentatively taking a few steps forward, she called out, “Is there somebody there whom I cannot see?” A cashier told her there was not, to which she replied, “That’s good, because I can usually see ghosts.” I am now mortally terrified of any ghost that this woman cannot see.

-I am beginning to notice a persistent correlation between guests purchasing baby supplies and the computer dispensing Starbucks coupons.

-A single mother came through my lane on a serious business call, accompanied by her eldest daughter who was taking care of her siblings, her middle son who tried to look tough but got very excited by stickers, and her youngest daughter who wanted to be a princess when she grew up. Now I know what it is like to be an extra in a 90s family sitcom.

-A young boy picked up a Baby Bottle Pop and smiled expectantly at his mother. When she inquired if he was serious, he simply whispered, “Yup.” He then began marching around, parading his new candy with the pride of one carrying a flag after battle, until he saw his reflection in a mirror, at which point he yelped and scurried behind his mother’s legs.

-I handed an eight year-old boy a sticker. He looked at it for a moment, then softly told me, “I think that I would like a second one for my brother, please.” This child is the most polite boy I have ever seen and he has my vote in the coming election.

-I met a man in his eighties who was wearing high-waisted jeans, a thin, brown leather belt, a mustard, olive, and maroon striped sweater, small wiry glasses, and a bright yellow bucket hat. He is my new fashion icon and I want nothing more for Christmas than a shopping spree with him as my mentor.

-My register has been freshly stocked with more seasonally-inappropriate winter stickers. However, these stickers now have perforations and the roll has slightly different dimensions. We have clearly been restocked with a new shipment of stickers, but rather than provide me with fall stickers for my people, they continue the conspiracy and give me only stickers that have no place in the present day.

-Today, I was truly blessed, as I was visited by a family as devoted to Target stickers as I am. As I handed the mother one sticker for each of her six children, I saw their eyes light up in an instant. She handed them out to each eager hand, prompting such exclamations as, “Sweet, I haven’t had this one before!” “This is going straight into my Target sticker collection!” “I finally have my first Target sticker!” and, from the five year-old who I am sure is actually employed as a Target spokesperson, “I wish I could come to Target every day to get more stickers!” I nearly teared up. Slightly swept up in the moment, I tore off a strip of twenty-five stickers which I handed to the mother, much to the delight of the children I have decided to adopt. I had to confirm that this happened with a fellow cashier, and now I will go to work every day hoping to serve the Sticker Kids.

-A man who looked as though Hagrid had lived his life out as a hermit purchased both shaving cream and a product called Beard Butter. He seemed unable to decide what path he wanted to pursue with his facial hair, but now he is prepared either way.

-A boy with a thick southern accent, an “AUSTRALIA” t-shirt, bright blue sweatpants, and knee-high cowboy boots laid across the end of an adjacent register and made some of the most intense eye-contact I have ever been an unwilling participant in.

Pick
  • Friend: Hey pick Junjou Romantica Or sekai ichi Hatsukoi
  • Me: Are you telling me to chose a favorite between my children
  • Friend: Wait what?
  • Me: A mother loves her babies equally so i cannot pick a favorite
  • Friend: okay okay i get it
  • Me: just saying that i love both dearly
  • Friend: but You know you could've just said that both are your favorite
  • Me: Oh...
  • Friend: *sigh*