“I thought you’d be proud,” you said, looking at your mother sadly.

“Oh, honey, I am! I’m happy you’re finally comfortable telling me something like this. I’m proud of you.” She paused and then continued with a concerned look. “But Sally? I mean, she is my friend and I love her to pieces. But that girl…” 

This is a couple letters in one, but I need to write them all so here goes.

To the first boy I ever loved 

It still hurts when I see you. I ache with something but I don’t know what it is. I got it out of my system, we finally ended up drunkenly hooking up and it made things kinda awkward but we’ve put it behind us. So why does it still hurt when you won’t take time to come see me anymore? I don’t care if it hurts me, I need a friend. 

To the first boy to break my heart

You destroyed me, and it broke you just as much as it killed me. But now we are okay, we went for a drink together recently and I had a really great time, not in a romantic way, just in a way that you’re a fantastic person and I need more friends like you in my life. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I forgive you. For everything. 

To the boy that made me afraid. 

Our first kiss was so sweet, in that moment I thought I would just melt. I took your virginity and you told me my perfume was beautiful, just like me. Afterwards you held me and told me you’d never been happier. When did that change? 

I don’t even remember the first time you hit me, but it wasn’t the last. I remember how you pinned me to the bed and used me for whatever you wanted. I lost track of how many Times that happened. 

To this day, you are the reason I am constantly looking over my shoulder, the reason being with unknown men gives me panic attacks. I still wake up crying and flailing because 4 years on and you still have some hold in my brain. 

Fuck You. 

To the boy who is too similar to me 

You’re right, we would never work out in a relationship but I can’t handle you leaving my life. You’ve grown to be one of my closest friends, I can tell you almost anything and you understand because you’ve been through it. Without you, I just feel crazy and nobody understands why I just want to fucking scream. I do love you, but only like that, nothing more. I’m sorry for everything I have done. 

To everyone else:

I’m so sorry. For me in general I guess. 

I am so sorry but I don’t know what I can do anymore. If you have any advice which will make everything okay again, let me know. 

Until then, or maybe never, 


Ludzie odchodzą. Na zawsze i na mniej zawsze - to zależy. Jedni zostawiają za sobą pocałunki, spojrzenia w kształcie motyli, kryształy w kieliszkach, słowa i ręce. Inni - warkocze zdarzeń, sentymenty, stare płyty, blask. Są też jednak i tacy, po których zostają ścieki, złe słowa, żale i gównoprawdy.
—  Kaja Kowalewska