should you read homestuck?

have you ever wished harry potter had more memes? is your favorite part of video games the sound design? are you fascinated by mysterious internet cryptids? do you yearn for the day that will smith is recognized as an important pop culture icon? do you wish you were more comfortable with writing in the second person point of view or verbs that start with the letter a? do you have a lot of free time?

So my friend and I were talking about old homestuck fans who inspired us and made us laugh back in the good ol’ days and if caused me to make this
So here you go! Enjoy

@paperseverywhere: Actually working/worked on hiveswap! Stuck with us until the end

Dante: A sweetheart who keeps us updated, vaguely, but still updated

@kyleehenke: Can be found behind an abandoned block busters at 4:13 in the morning only if you play “you can’t fight the homestuck” at full volume, but beware, she will run at sonic speeds with full determination, killing you instantly

@toastyhat: Was really creative and inspiring. Also worked on homestuck a little bit. No longer draws it as much but still an old friend of the fans

@miraculoustang: Similar to kylee except only they can be summoned behind a fudruckers while you play all of their “terepy” videos simultaneously.

@octosmagiccastle: Voiced elevatorstuck then left us on read for a couple years before finally explaining he moved on from homestuck Understandably.

@mcsiggy: a sinful scallawag who no longer draws as much homestuck but still enjoys it, landing them in the “lawful” section.

@ikimaru: “What the fuck is a hometruck???” Still has a jake icon.

Hussie: Abandoned us after jane was fucking kidnapped and exploded on a fucking moon and won’t give us answers or hiveswap. fucker.

I swear, ever since Hussie vastly reduced his social media presence towards the end of Homestuck, his cryptid powers have grown exponentially. You almost seem to forget just how much of a cryptid he is, since you don’t really hear much from/about him these days, but then when you DO… hoo boy.

Like, you’ll hear nothing Hussie-related for months on end, then all of a sudden he’s showing up to a convention with a minions t-shirt and fidget spinners taking pictures with Vriska cosplayers. And now we’ve had an absolutely bizarre and somewhat terrifying sbahj update drop out of nowhere, followed up the next day by a third-party website just casually announcing a new sbahj book that’s a collaboration between Hussie, KC Green, and fuckin DRIL. With no other explanation whatsoever.

The man has an aura of truly terrifying power…

hopefully what will happen if i meet hussie tomorrow!

“wheres vriska” i say as i approach

“wheres davepeta” i ask as i grab him by the minion shirt

“wheres the epilogue” i demand as i throw him to the floor

“wheres the canon ship confirmation” i snarl as i pin his arms behind his back

the minion on his clothing trembles in fear

the wig of my karkat cosplay stands on end

his two green fidget spinners spin at light speed then shatter

i lean down and i whisper into his ear

“wheres hiveswap”

his eyes roll into the back of his head

his skin glows an eerie orange

his facial features slowly fade as his neck swivels a 180 to face me

my grey paint burns into my skin and my fake horns meld to my scalp

this was his plan all along

“you wanted an update so badly?” he sneers

my newly grown fangs cut into my lower lip as i try to bite back the pain

“act 8: begin”

he lets out a mighty neigh and evaporates into the musky weeabo-sweat filled air

the convention center glows red around me

i look through the glass doors

a meteor is hurdling towards LA

the protesters on megaphones outside were right all along

the day of reckoning is upon us.