to contribute to the ‘humans are weird’ posts...

Okay, but what about marathons tho. Humans are built to follow animals on foot. Until the animal literally gives up and dies. That’s how we hunt. We’re not super fast or claw-y or bite-y. we just keep running. Forever

Imagine aliens finding out about marathons. Aliens who are stealth predators or evolved from sedentary species learning that humans just straight up run their prey to death. 

Alien Wimu: Human Nik, I have been watching this hologram for several ngu’la. What are these humans doing?
Human Nik: Oh, wow, that’s the Olympics! It’s a competition where humans see who is the best at various physical tasks. This is the marathon, I think? 
Alien Wiro: We have tests of physical prowess on Mngumu as well. But I have been watching for several ngu’la and these humans have been running the entire time. I am concerned. Are they well? Has something gone wrong with the event? Is something chasing them? 
Human Nik: Nope, that’s the event! It’s actually really cool. A long time ago, this human ran – a bunch of kilometers? Something like 40, I think – because he was carrying a message to a place called Marathon from … someplace in Greece because of a war or something. He died I think. Anyway, now a lot of people do it! I actually ran a half-marathon for charity once. It was pretty grueling but it felt really good.
Alien Wiro: …I’m sorry, but I believe you said 40 kilometers. That is equivalent to roughly 349 shmo! 
Human Nik: Yeah, that sounds about right. 
Alien Wiro: And you said the original person died?
Human Nik: Well, I think. But like I said we train for it now. It’s not so bad, really. 
Alien Wiro: … 
Human Nik: Anyway, thanks for showing me! It’s really easy to lose track of time up here, wow. Had no idea the Olympics were happening. 
Alien Wiro:


Notes to Aliens

When you break a human, make for absolute certain they are dead. Many humans also fail to do this, so do not too bad when you feel blaster plasma on your back.

There is a phrase among humans, “What does not kill me only makes me stronger.”

THIS IS NOT HYPERBOLE. If they are broken, they will heal stronger. If they are not lethally poisoned, they will be immune the next time.

And never leave them for dead either. Others will always find them, and that human will recognize you without fail, be it from your hide, voice, or even walk cycle, they will remember, and they will come for you.

-the last transmission of Bolthak the Betrayer

Story idea

Ok, so if you follow me (which is very unlikely because this blog is very new) you may have noticed I just adore those “humans are weird” and “humans are space orcs” and “aliens think humans are cute” posts and now I have this plot for a story in my head and I can’t get it out.

Like yeah, all the posts with human-alien culture shock and relationships are those very serious crew members and specialists that are able to explain cultural differences and human biology and that stuff, so when there is a “weird human moment” the human can explain themselves and reassure the crew. But what if the aliens had to deal with a human that just does the stuff and doesn’t know how to explain it?

Story idea under the cut.

Keep reading

Humans were classified as dangerous, reasonably so.

Able to eat nearly anything, being able to keep going even after losing a limb, their immense loyalty and uncanny abilities to domesticate even the fiercest of beasts, their powers of deception were unmatched by anyone, thanks to their abilities of being what they named, ‘fucking adorable’.

They were also a highly sought after crew members, due to their extreme durability and bonding instincts.

Lementhar was anxious for the arrival of a human that had wanted to become part of their crew, who was to enter the ship at two Hours past Sun’s Peak.

They had never seen a human in the flesh before, and we’re excited to see if the multitude of rumors were true.

It was nearly time and Lementhar had been preparing the ship the entire day so that it would be a safe and healthy habitat for a human.

A bell tolled throughout the interior of the ship, causing the other crewmates to look at each other nervously, all equally apprehensive of the human’s presence on the vessel.

Lementhar straightened their vest and walked on their double jointed legs to the entry point of the ship, took a deep breath, and pressed the button which allowed the metal door to open with a rush of cold air.

Lementhar looked around. There was no one in sight, and certainly no humans, the intimidating monsters of the galaxy.

A noise sounded from around Lementhar’s legs, someone clearing their throat.

They looked down.


A human was staring up at them, one eyebrow raised.

“You’re the captain I presume?”

Lementhar nodded.

“Ah, you are the human, ‘Cassidy’?”

Cassidy nodded, running a hand through her hair.

“I, um, didn’t expect you to be so small?” Lementhar muttered, hoping beyond hope that remarking on one’s size wasn’t rude in human culture, he wanted to make a good impression.

Not to mention he was surprisingly intimidated by the creature, whose head marked a foot under Lementhar’s hip.

To Lementhar’s horror, the human frowned, and their shoulders slumped.

“I didn’t expect you to be so tall. Can I come in?”

Lementhar nodded, stumbling slightly in their haste to step back.

“You stay here, okay? Look around? I’m going to brief my crew that you’re here.”

Cassidy nodded and turned to inspect a potted plant that immediately started snapping at their hand.

They pet it.

Lementhar shook their head to tear themselves away from the odd situation and moved back to where his crew was still waiting, rubbing their hands together in distress.

They all looked up when they heard the door open.

“Well?” Exrilitimis prompted. “What’re they like?”

“Okay, so they are very small, a lot smaller than I predicted.”

The crew gave them quizzical looks and Lementhar took this as a que to explain Cassidy’s size more drastically.

“They come up around a foot under the hip, and are rather petit.”

Lementhar held out his hands to stop the crew from laughing.

“I know, I know, this terrifying creature is very small, but I don’t think it takes kindly to their stature being pointed out, I mentioned how small they were and they seemed upset. So try not to mention it.”

The crew nodded and Lementhar looked back out to the door, remembering in one of his anthropology classes and in the book that had come a week prior explaining how to keep humans safe, had mentioned to never leave humans alone with anything that could either move, or had a face, because they would form an attachment to it immediately, and Lementhar remembered them petting the plant that sat by the door before they left.

“I’m going to bring it back in here to meet everyone, so no one act out, please.”

Once Lementhar had dragged the human into the conference room, everyone started staring at them immediately.

“Do you want to introduce yourself?” Lementhar asked the small creature.

Cassidy nodded, then looked up to the chairs where everyone sat, just over their head, thanks to Levians’ legs taking up more than two thirds of their heights.

“Do you need help, ah, getting up?” By Purity’s sake this was getting more awkward by the minute.

Cassidy’s frown deepened, and they nodded.

Lementhar grabbed them around the middle, their long fingers digging into the soft fabric of the human’s ‘sweater’.

They placed them on the table, where they stood eye level with everyone.

“Hey, my name is Cassidy, she/her, first things first, I know I’m small, I didn’t expect this either, but I swear to god, do not patronize me because I survived a lot more than y'all have, so I better not be treated like i’m less capable.”

Cassidy crossed her arms, glaring at everyone around her.


Everyone in the room nodded, and quickly shared their names, all rather intimidated by the cold eyes.

The next day an even taller chair was added to the room, with a stepladder leading up to it.

((PS.I based Cassidy off my wooden bird,,This is probably kind of shitty,, cause this is my first time writing anything with aliens at all,,so…))

A Human Inquiry

Greetings Fellow Sentients! As we all know, humans are a weird and often frightening species, and being crewmates with them is difficult, but also quite rewarding(most of the time). We here at Gar'zarp Publishing would love for you to submit your stories for a anthology of Human Goofiness. We hope that these tales chronicling the weird habits of humans will be beneficial to the next Brood. Aree!
Alright so poorly written text aside, lemme cut to the meat of this turkey. I, am wondering if you at the humans are weird/earth is space Australia/ humans are space orcs blogs, would you be interested in possibly contributing to a print compilation of the Humans are weird stories? I will be absolutely honest when i say i have no idea how this works, so help would be appreciated there. This is honestly just a post testing the waters. So to recap
•Humans are weird anthology book, would you be interested Yay or nay?
• how long should it be?
•how would it be made?
•any info i need to know about doing published work?

Relationships of any kind are just…….really…….weird…….being around others is weird. Being alive is weird. Human is just a hard concept to realize when you dont know who or what you are.

Enough of this “humans are weird lol what would aliens think of us doing ___”. I want aliens doing weird things that confuses us. Like we’re just talking with them and suddenly we hear a MASSIVE SCREECHING SOUND and all the humans freak out but the one of the aliens just goes “oh my mate is here I’ll be right back” and we’re all huddled covering our ears and the aliens don’t know why

anonymous asked:

Shiro, Ulaz, humans are weird

i am doing a thing

“Ulaz, stop–” Shiro squirms, trying to crawl out of his grasp.

“I’m almost done.” He grumbles, rubbing his face a little more forcefully against Shiro’s throat. “You smell strange.”


“You don’t smell like me.” He clarifies. “I am fixing that.”

Shiro stills suddenly in his arms, his face flushing, but he at least lets Ulaz finish. When Ulaz finally releases him, Shiro is still red-faced, and stutters something incoherent at him before wandering off.

Ulaz stares after him, then shrugs. For all he tries to understand them, humans are still very strange.

Humans Are Weird

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? 

What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving. 

to add to this “humans are weird” thing
did you know that humans are the only species on earth with the ability to throw things with any significant degree of accuracy and force (apes can throw with about the force of a human ten year old, but cant lock their wrists well enough for accuracy)

and we just never really think about it bc its so easy and simple to us that pretty much all of our sports are based around the concept of throwing things accurately

what if the concept of projectile weapons takes most species FOREVER to get the hang of, or even come up with in the first place.
a human goes onto a ship and throws some trash into the nearest reclaimer, shouts “kobe!” and all the other aliens on board absolutely LOSE THEIR MINDS

It occurs to me that as much as “humans are the scary ones” fits sometimes, if you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly friendly or curious ones.

I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought “I’m gonna ride on that thing!”?

And put a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong chance of said human yelling “PUPPY!” and initiating playful interaction with it.

And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger friends!”

Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest aliens out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug ‘em.”


“I dunno. I gotta hug 'em.”

And it’s like the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends.

aliens being confused by how humans deal with scents

human: “gonna have to wash this blanket to get rid of that new smell,”
alien: *makes a note that humans prefer to mark objects with familiar scents*

human: “gotta love that new car smell”
alien: *scratches out previous note and replaces it with a question mark*

human: “old books smell so good,”
alien: *increasingly frustrated note taking*

human: “mmm love that new book smell,”

I Had a Great Idea

for a Humans are Weird story.

So human babies REALLY need to be touched. Its totally critical for development. Small babies can literally die if you don’t cuddle them enough.

But imagine that the aliens are more like reptiles, in that they just sort of hatch and their parents feed them or stay around (and presumably, like, educate them, since they’re intelligent aliens), but don’t carry them around or cuddle in the same way.

So one of them gets stuck with a human baby that they’re responsible for and of course, they go ask a xenobiologist or someone ‘what do you do for a human baby, they’re all weird and squishy’.

And the scientist says: well, you have to stroke them. Like actually pick them up and stroke their skin.

Why, says the alien, what could that possibly accomplish. Does it make their skin tougher. Will they grow proper scales.

No, no, that’s just what human skin is like, you just… you have stroke them or they won’t grow right. They get a stroking-deficiency and can die.

Another humans are weird space orcs idea because I really like thinking about it. What if aliens have no idea how to hide their emotions? Like, they suck at poker because they can never keep a straight face or anything. or, on a darker note, their ship is hijacked and they can’t keep the fear out of their faces, but all the humans look cold and emotionless to them. Other aliens hating having to bargain with humans becase we can bluff and keep our emotions in check so well, but when they get frustrated it’s all over. Pirates threaten the space ship and they send the human to do negotiations, and the pirate talking is super confused because no matter what threat he makes, the human just doesn’t seem to be fazed one bit.

Someone please, feel free to add to this, I love to see what else people come up with!