Humans-ARE-weird

Humans Are Weird

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? 

What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving. 

I Had a Great Idea

for a Humans are Weird story.

So human babies REALLY need to be touched. Its totally critical for development. Small babies can literally die if you don’t cuddle them enough.

But imagine that the aliens are more like reptiles, in that they just sort of hatch and their parents feed them or stay around (and presumably, like, educate them, since they’re intelligent aliens), but don’t carry them around or cuddle in the same way.

So one of them gets stuck with a human baby that they’re responsible for and of course, they go ask a xenobiologist or someone ‘what do you do for a human baby, they’re all weird and squishy’.

And the scientist says: well, you have to stroke them. Like actually pick them up and stroke their skin.

Why, says the alien, what could that possibly accomplish. Does it make their skin tougher. Will they grow proper scales.

No, no, that’s just what human skin is like, you just… you have stroke them or they won’t grow right. They get a stroking-deficiency and can die.

On the topic of humans being everyone’s favorite Intergalactic versions  of Gonzo the Great:
Come on you guys, I’ve seen all the hilarious additions to my “humans are the friendly ones” post. We’re basically Steve Irwin meets Gonzo from the Muppets at this point. I love it. 

But what if certain species of aliens have Rules for dealing with humans?

  • Don’t eat their food. If human food passes your lips/beak/membrane/other way of ingesting nutrients, you will never be satisfied with your ration bars again.
  • Don’t tell them your name. Humans can find you again once they know your name and this can be either life-saving or the absolute worst thing that could happen to you, depending on whether or not they favor you. Better to be on the safe side.
  • Winning a human’s favor will ensure that a great deal of luck is on your side, but if you anger them, they are wholly capable of wiping out everything you ever cared about. Do not anger them.
  • If you must anger them, carry a cage of X’arvizian bloodflies with you, for they resemble Earth mo-skee-toes and the human will avoid them.
    • This does not always work. Have a last will and testament ready.
  • Do not let them take you anywhere on your planet that you cannot fly a ship from. Beings who are spirited away to the human kingdom of Aria Fiv-Ti Won rarely return, and those that do are never quite the same.

Basically, humans are like the Fair Folk to some aliens and half of them are scared to death and the others are like alien teenagers who are like “I dare you to ask a human to take you to Earth”.

“Humans are weird” idea

It seems to always be the case that aliens have names that are “unpronounceable by the human tongue.”  But, y’know, humans are actually really good mimics.  We can do impressions of anything, and some of us are really good at it.  What if that was a special skill of ours that was constantly surprising the aliens?

Alien talks about human like s/he’s not there, only to be shocked when its own language comes out of that strange little mouth.

Alien can’t figure out WHAT that noise onboard is, only to find human crewmate pranking it.  (“As soon as he leaves, I’m gonna do the sound of a failing hover engine, okay?  Just see where he looks first!”)

Alien hears a different noise and a thud, then “Sorry, I tripped.”  (”But you squeaked.”  “Yeah, didn’t mean to.  Sounded kinda dumb.”)

Alien is alarmed to hear the sound of two Dangerous Animals coming from the containment room.  Thinks the one has multiplied.  Runs in, find human yowling back at it.  (“It seemed lonely, so I was talking to it.  Reminds me of a cat I had once.”)

The away team is threatened by a Large Animal protecting its young.  Alien Captain knows what to do.  Shoves the human up front and points.  “Make the noises that the little ones are making.  This is your time to shine.”

on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer” species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship

it doesn’t have any special intelligence. it’s just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don’t have knives. it’s just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.

“what is the point?” asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. “is it to test your speed and agility?”

“no it doesn’t really go that fast,” replies the captain.

“does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?”

“I mean I guess so but that’s more of a side effect.”

“does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?”

“it doesn’t stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool — someone write that down.”

“but then what is its purpose?”

“I don’t know,” the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. “it just seemed cool”

aliens being confused by how humans deal with scents

human: “gonna have to wash this blanket to get rid of that new smell,”
alien: *makes a note that humans prefer to mark objects with familiar scents*

human: “gotta love that new car smell”
alien: *scratches out previous note and replaces it with a question mark*

human: “old books smell so good,”
alien: *increasingly frustrated note taking*

human: “mmm love that new book smell,”
alien: “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?”

It’s early in the morning and nobody will probably read this but I just had the greatest ‘humans are space orcs’ idea

Imagine if humans are the only species that experiences impatience.

Think about it. Most prey animals are extremely patient. Ever meet a deer or a rabbit in the woods and hold still to try and out-wait the thing? I can guarantee your brain starts sending bored bored bored messages very quickly, and your instincts start telling you to give up and find something else to do. Humans can do the patience thing- as evidenced by our endurance hunting methods- but our instincts tell us not to. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this feels like a predator development. I have the idea that if aliens are mostly prey-based, and we’re predator-based, then the aliens will be very patient and we just aren’t.

As an evolutionary development, being impatient can be brilliant. It means that we didn’t sit around and wait for the ice caps to warm up, we knew we didn’t have the technology to survive that level of cold, but we did it anyways. We were trying to send people into the sky and then into space before we had fully figured it all out, simply because we didn’t want to wait and think it out, we wanted SPACE and we wanted it NOW. And personally, I tend to be extremely productive and inventive when I’m feeling impatient. Mechanic is booked for a few days? I’ll figure out how to change my oil and tires and tint my car’s windows myself. Strawberry season is still 4 months away? I’ll get a heat lamp setup and grow them myself. Friends can’t visit and help move furniture for a week? I’ll build a trolley out of some toy cars, tape, a chessboard, and do all the lifting myself.

This impatience is what made us design faster cars, faster computers, faster internet, faster communication, methods of growing food faster, of processing food faster, we’re always looking for the quickest and most efficient thing simply because we are not patient. 

Impatience leads to a type of creativity and persistence that patience just doesn’t have.

Imagine aliens starting to realize this.

“You got to your moon before you had developed LED screens??? You didn’t even have computers that could do basic math?!”
“Well, what else were we gonna do, sit around and wait?”

“Your planes don’t have gravitational control? Don’t you experience discomfort from the acceleration and directional changes?”
“Sure. But we needed to get on the other side of the planet in a decent amount of time.”
“So… what you’re articulating is that you’d rather have physical distress than have to have a long journey?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Human____, our mechanical teams will be on site in several of your earth hours, so we won’t be going anywhere until then.”
“Screw that. Where’s the manual for this thing? I bet I can fix it.”
“But you don’t have any mechanical training.”
“I also don’t feel like sitting around on this rock for ages.”

“You’re back already? I thought your medical representative told you to not be walking on that limb for another of your weeks.”
“Ugh. I just can’t anymore. I’ve got to get up and move and do something, anything.”
“But doesn’t that hurt to walk on?”
“Absolutely.”
“…You would choose pain over waiting?”
“What can I say, I’m not a patient person.”

Like aliens just being baffled that humans would rather work hard or struggle with a problem or even experience pain and discomfort. They, as prey species, are used to just waiting it out. They don’t have the same impatience driving them to get up and go and to fight through things just because they can’t wait any longer.

Bonus: 
Human: Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Alien: Why don’t you have time? Is something scheduled soon?
Human: No, I just don’t feel like wasting time.
Alien: But… it’s not wasted. It’s time well spent. And you do technically have the time to spare for that. If there’s nothing scheduled, then you do ‘got time for that’.
Human: No. No, I don’t. It’s just… no.

You know that one post about humans being really durable compared to aliens and that one about humans being really cute to aliens?

What if they were both true at the same time. Like the aliens decide to take their human on a landing mission because they get so exited and it’s so cute but then a storm hits and they crash. And the aliens are all freaking out because they can’t be rescued without going outside to fix something but the readings say they’ll die if they do because of the storm. The leader’s all prepared to make a heroic sacrifice when the cute human just walks out the airlock to fix the thing and when they get back they’re just like “what? It’s not that bad out.”

And the aliens find out humans are made of iron on top of being adorable.

but what if,,, what if humans aren’t the only Hold My Beer species.

We are one of two.

The Adt’harra people look kind of like a cross between a bat and an elf. Big ole radar dish ears, slender bipedal bodies, all that. Their planet is heavily forested with gargantuan mangrove swamps, and they lurk under the roots to hunt fish and birds. More importantly, they lurk under the roots to prank the shit out of any and all intergalactic visitors. 

The Adt’harran love of pranks was at first a non-starter for joining the Intergalactic Alliance, but then they realized that these creatures were absolute geniuses for rigging complex mechanics in a matter of minutes, and also were simply too enthusiastic to refuse.

At around the same time, the Human people were discovered. They were rather flimsy compared to many other members of the Alliance, but further interaction proved them to be loyal crewmembers willing and able to risk life and limb for their cause and teammates. Further interaction also proved them to be reckless bastards who think it’s great fun to glue six warp cores together and try to poke a tunnel through a sun.

It was very quickly decided by the high-ups that Humans and Adt’harrans should never be allowed to interact, they would surely blow up at least three ships and cause a half dozen interplanetary incidents with their scheming.

When the Humans and Adt’harrans eventually meet anyway because neither species is really into ‘rules’, they are fast friends and the collective universe tears its hair out.

another ‘Humans are Weird’ post

so, sorry if someone has mentioned this before, but i saw a post about how humans were apex predators a little while ago, and one of the points it mentioned was that it’s cause humans have such a wide diet you don’t find in a lot of other animals.  plus, we’re pretty poison resistant to things that would hurt/kill most other animals (we’re the only species that is lactose tolerant as the norm, chocolate isn’t poison to us, plus other things that surprised me and i wish i had kept the post :c)

what if most aliens have limited things they can eat?  the Susutians can only eat plant matter of a specific color, or Luttans can only eat certain meats from certain types of insects on their planet.  so, when they come to earth they’re all like ‘on so what do you eat?’ and they’re thrown through a loop at what choices we have!  and they find out that a LOT of the food we eat on the regular is super poisonous to a majority of the known universe!

like, “oh hey, human-steve, thank you for visiting my planet.  we’re about to eat the meal of the tirid sun, will you join us?”

“o yeah cool what’s the apple looking thing on that tree?”

“apple….. oh, you mean the highly poison and deadly Punnadix Fruit? those are a scourge of my peopl- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“uh….. eating it?  it’s delicious?”

cue an alien having a heart attack, or whatever the equivalent is.  on top of all the other weird shit they’re known for, this makes then rise higher in the list of ‘creatures we are REALLY glad are on our side’.

Humans are weird idea: malicious compliance. The aliens either do as they’re told or place an objection if there’s a specific reason, and once ordered to perform a task they do it to the best of their ability because their authority is logical and fair. Then humans show up and start disobeying in a way that is technically correct and they have no idea what to do.

“Human, you were instructed to bring ration packs to the storage bay.”

“I did.”

“There are only two ration packs here.”

“You didn’t say how many you wanted.”

“Why would I request only two? The ship needs to be restocked with supplies for a five-cycle mission.”

“Hey, I’m not a mind reader. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

*sigh* “Human, please bring the entire pallet of ration packs into the storage bay.”

“Human, why is the station’s luggage transport vehicle still in the storage bay?”

“You wanted it taken back out?“

“The vehicle belongs to the station. It doesn’t even fit in the storage bay.”

“Hey, after Tau Alpha you told me not to do anything unless I was ordered to. Nobody told me the forklift needed to be put away again.”

*alien turns rather purplish and makes a low hissing noise*

“…If you want me to put the forklift back you’re gonna need to give me an order, sir.”

*more hissing*

For most species, bared teeth are a threat, even on earth. So it shouldn’t be very surprising that most alien species tend to respond poorly to a human smiling at them. Humans who spend a lot of time around aliens do their best to train themselves out of the habit, adopting (as much as they are physically capable) the expression of enjoyment used by whatever species they socialise with most. But it’s really hard not to smile when you see another human… Harder still not to smile back when one smiles at you. This leads to the common misapprehension that humans generally don’t get along with strangers.

When, by whatever series of events, a crew or team with a human member acquires an additional human or two, the atmosphere gets tense for a few cycles while the nonhumans wait for some kind of establishment of hierarchy to take place. Some humans humor the assumption and perform a mock battle in some public area - these are generally those who have encountered the scenario before and became tired of trying to explain.

Rap battles, trivia contests, simple sports matches and other activities that a human would recognise as popular recreational activities often feature in these dominance rituals. The participants find that the performance serves as a great ice breaker and so the practice is becoming increasingly common. It is likely, therefore, that the misinformation about human social strata will persist.

Earth oceans and what's in them

Going off how the Humans are Space Orcs and “Humans bond with anything despite obvious danger” that annoys the rest of the alien crew, think about them being introduced to earth oceans

After all it’s common to have to always remove their human from unknown likely dangerous life forms despite constant protests and that they were only “playing”
they start to notice that their human never really speaks of their earths sea creatures, which makes sense as the humans organs aren’t equipped to survive in that environment despite being able to “swim” (it is a common theory discussed that humans could survive if given no option to otherwise as that’s what they always seem to do) curious and nervous, a rookie of the crew, decides to ask (the veterans have learned not to ask about earth as it always ends in confusion and horror) Only to be told that “they aren’t really sure”, in human speak this can mean many things. One is that they never looked, another is that they were honestly telling the truth. Confused, they ask again as surely the species that does everything to fulfill their curiosity would surly know what fills 75% of their surface? Only to be told of creatures that are the length of their ship with a jaw just as wide. Of creatures that glow to attract and trap their pray. And that there was never a pod that was created could withstand the pressure of deepest depths. Or if it could, the visual feed would always disappear within rows of jagged teeth. And that are only the stories that have been proven. There are stories of the old ages, of creatures that could drown you with the sound of their voice, of things only seen in the shadows with a glimpse of sharp teeth. Humans don’t go in the ocean, they learn. Humans that are made of iron and steel, known to bond with anything, and a curiosity that defies all known logic don’t dare to explore the depths of their own planet. The crew learn that the only thing to terrify their human are the creatures that lurk in the oceans of their own earth. Everything must seem tame to them compared to the monster planet that they call home. And suddenly, things make sense.

Story 215: Cultural Exchange

The human steps onto the station from her shuttle, and walks into the scanner.  It flashes - no weapons.  I pity her, though there’s nothing I can do for her.  By tomorrow she will be a slave the same as me; the Gaunvans collect ambassadors like trophies.
“Hello there!  Amanda Thorn, ambassador for the Empire of Humanity.  You’re a Ixian, correct?”
Mimicking human body language, I nod my head.  "That’s correct.  Ix Malasan.  It is an honor to meet you.“
She smiles, reminding me again that she has somehow modified herself to breathe atmosphere suited to the Gaunvans rather than wear a respirator like myself.  Other than that she appears to be a standard human, something I am led to believe is less and less common as they pursue the bizarre compulsion humans have to alter their bodies.  Changing hair color, adding pigments to their skins in patterns and pictures, growing long tails or ears that mimic other species from their planet.  No other known species tampers with their bodies like this.
“Not to be undiplomatic, she says, "but the Gaunvans enslaved your people.  Why are you here?”
“We… reached a mutually beneficial agreement.  We would have lost in combat and been eliminated, so we chose to preserve what we could of our culture.  The Gaunvans are not naturally skilled at diplomacy, so they bring me along to assist and to show that peace can be made.”
She nods.  "Understood.  I can respect that choice.  How much freedom do you have, personally?“
Smart of her, to start planning for her future. "A fair amount.  I have free reign on the ship when we are in transit.  At the homeworld I have reasonably comfortable quarters.”
“Have you ever met the Empress, or…?”
“Oh, no.  No, while on the homeworld I am confined to my chambers - but they’re quite spacious.”
“Shame.  Okay, plan ‘A’ then.  Let’s get this over with.”

Despite my attempt at encouraging diplomacy, the Gaunvan commander starts with threats.  I don’t know why I bother.  He looms over the human, chitinous plates almost black in the dim light.  His pod of six is posted around the room, for show more than for actual security since she followed orders and came alone and unarmed.  "Failure to surrender will bring the full wrath of our army upon you.  Humanity will be crushed, and wiped from the universe.“
To her credit, she looks very calm.  "We live in a post-scarcity society.  Bloody conquest just seems silly, doesn’t it?”
“It is for the glory of Gaun!”
“Well, I’m not prepared to get into a religious debate with you,” she says, “since I doubt there’s anything I can do to change your mind.  Since you’re committed to this course of action, what are you willing to offer if we surrender?”
Now he goes back on script.  Maybe I am getting through to him a little?  He talks about the benefits of being enslaved, mainly the protections for up to twelve designated culturally historical sites.  They’ve been mostly good on their word on my homeworld, though they did use the area just outside of the Hahhn Memorial as a waste dump.

She nods as she listens.  There was a part of me that was worried she would argue, because the humans are somewhat childlike.  They don’t understand the horrors of war.  Certainly they fought in the past, but the last time they had to battle was more than two of their generations ago, so these ones have all grown up coddled and soft.  They play games with each other instead, silly competitions.  They make art, and play pretend, and alter their bodies for fun.  They don’t have weapons anymore, and wouldn’t know how to use them if they did.
“Well then,” ambassador Thorn says, “this is about what I expected.  On behalf of humanity, I would like to formally reject this offer.”
Oh no.  Foolish humans.  The galaxy will miss your innocence.  The commander makes an excited clicking noise, looking forward to combat.  He reaches a blade-tipped hand towards ambassador Thorn, but hesitates as every device in the room bleats out an alert - we’ve all lost communications with the outside.

Like one of the dances humans do, she gracefully pivots around while taking his hand.  She ends up close to him and places her other arm against his thorax, then… oh gods. Gods, what… she’s ripped his arm off.  It’s not possible.  The commander is clearly thinking the same thing, staring in mute shock at his dripping limb.
“I’d like to extend a counter-offer,” she says, and flips the arm around before jamming the bladed end into his neck.  The warriors around the room are fidgeting, uncertain.  They haven’t been told to attack, and don’t want to dishonor their commander by intervening in a fight with such a small creature.  She’s still holding the commander’s severed arm in his neck, but she rotates and heaves, lifting him off the ground with it for a moment… and then his head pops off, landing squarely on the conference table.  She allows the corpse to slide to the ground, and straightens her clothes as if they aren’t covered in ichor.

I don’t understand.

The warriors, now with no orders at all, finally act.  She smiles as they come for her, I suppose because she has done her duty to send this powerful message of resistance.  She can die in peace.  Or… no… She’s killing them.  She’s smiling because this is fun for her.  Though they’re partly killing themselves; if there had been two of them, prepared, strategic, they might have prevailed.  Watching six panicked fighters get in each other’s way while trying to stop a smaller, faster, and somehow impossibly stronger foe is almost hypnotic.  At least one is killed by the stab of a friendly lance due to pure confusion.  It’s over faster than I would have thought possible, severed limbs strewn across the room.  I’ve got some fluids splashed across my clothing.  Only one yet lives, and he is retreating.  She seems to be allowing it.

She follows behind, holding a lance.  The wounded and scared warrior scurries down the hallway towards his ship, looking back behind him as he goes.  She’s just… walking.  Calm.  And for some reason I’m following.  The last Gaunvan reaches the airlock and the second he enters his code she throws the lance - throws it! - and spears him.
“Come on, we’re stealing their ship.”  She says it like this is the most normal thing in the world.
“There are thousands more on board!  Thousands!  Almost all warrior caste!”
She smiles again, and keeps walking.  I see errors on the screens that we pass, messages indicating communications have been lost.  They can’t tell anyone what is happening here.  Even the communicators within the ship are on nodes rather than being wired, so the warriors at one end of the vessel won’t be able to coordinate with the other end.  Do they even know they’ve been boarded?
“How?”

We enter the bridge after she kills a handful of other guards with ease.  They’re too shocked by her presence to act in time.  Once the door are sealed and she is working on the control systems she starts talking to me again.
“Well, you know, we do like to be prepared.”
“But you… you ripped his arm off.”
“Yeah, that was super satisfying.”  She looks at me appraisingly.  "Oh, come on.  Is it really that surprising?  You knew we were into changing ourselves, right?  Being strong enough to pop an overgrown bug’s forelimb off isn’t rocket science.“
"Your people are so peaceful…”
“Oh, sure, most of them.  But we did that, too.  Tweaked ourselves over the years to decrease aggression and some of our tribalistic tendencies, increase empathy… all stuff that can be undone if needed.  Though for a good cause even the nicest of us can squish a bug or two.”
“You bond with Ry'ling devourers!”
“Those are the big fuzzy guys that look like cats, yeah?  Those guys are adorable!  But… look, liking some things that could kill us doesn’t mean we’ll sit back and get enslaved.  We didn’t put up with it well when we enslaved each other, and we certainly aren’t going to go for it now that we’re… finally… on the same page about slavery being unacceptable.  It was, uh, a longer time than we like to admit before the last hold-outs were convinced of that one.”

I can feel the ship un-dock.  We’re moving.  "What about all the warriors on board?  They’ll break through the doors eventually!“
"Not according to this control panel here.  Take a look.”
It says there’s no atmosphere in the rest of the ship.  Life signs are negative on all but two of the warriors, presumably the only ones that got to their suits in time.  She disabled all the safety measures, somehow.  She just killed… I check the life signs readout again to confirm the number… three thousand, six hundred, and fourteen soldiers.  Wait, how is it tracking that unless… “Are communications back up?”
“Yeah, I’m calling some friends.  The military is right around the corner, so to speak.”
“But Earth doesn’t have a standing military.”
She laughs.  Not just a little bit.  She’s actually doubled over for a moment, unable to catch her breath.  "Sweet Jeebus, you guys actually fell for that?  No standing military.  Have you read about us at all?“

Three ships appear seemingly out of nowhere, and one docks with the Gaunvan vessel.  Once the atmosphere is restored we head to the airlock to meet them, and I’m surprised by an entire platoon of Gaunvan warriors.  Speaking English.
"Okay boys, send your last goodbyes!  This is in all likelihood a one way mission.  Commander Thorn!  It is an honor to see you again, and might I say you look exquisite drenched in the blood of your enemies!”
She bows to him, blushing, and then salutes the Gaunvans.  Or… humans?  Can they change themselves this drastically?
“You’ve got two holed up in here somewhere.  Bridge is clear, have the techs bring the new brain on board.”
“New brain?”
She looks at me like she’s forgotten that I’m here, and then turns back to the others.  "Men, this is our new friend Ix Malasan who has just been liberated from his captivity.  He’s going to be helping with our intel.  Malasan, yeah, a new brain for the ship.  Once this vessel is cleaned up and back in service with a new crew we’ll be able to take it over whenever we want even if all of our boys get killed.  We cooked up a really sadistic AI for it.“
"But how do you know the protocols?  This was your first contact with the Gaunvans, they’ve never lost a ship anywhere near here!”
“No?  There wasn’t a mining colony disaster two years ago?”
“But that was just an accident… and you weren’t even involved in the war yet… and…”

The faux-Gaunvans have finished boarding.  The one that was talking to them before puts a bladed claw on ambassador - commander - Thorn’s shoulder.  "You coming with?“
"Naw.  Orders said I could only come if they allow ambassadors near extremely high value targets.  Malasan here says they don’t, so I need to wait for my next mission back on Earth.”
“It would have been nice having you with us, Thorn.  Well, maybe we’ll see each other again.  Suicide mission or not, I think I’ve decided to live through it.”
“Bold choice,” she says, and kisses him next to his lower mandibles.
He nods at me, then turns back to his men. “Okay everyone, we are now officially on the job.  And what is that job?”
In unison, they start chanting.

“FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!”

For a moment I nearly feel pity for the Gaunvans.  Nearly.  Commander Thorn leads me off of the ship, and I start thinking about what useful information I can provide the ‘harmless’ humans.  Fuck shit up, indeed.

Humans Are Weird

Ayup, jumping on the bandwagon

So, humans are weirdly aware apex predators with crazy survival instincts (though sometimes we seem like we might not have any)

There’s been talk before about predictive behavior and pattern recognition, but what about the ley lines?

And liminal spaces?

We will swear up and down about not messing with the Fae, have so many stories about things that happen, of those you do not speak of  lest they take it as in invitation

And disassociation?

And gods beware if of what happens when a damn human dissociates while walking in a liminal space, taunting things their alien companions are hissing at in fear and worry; ‘where did you pick up this human, why did you let them off the ship for krellnak’s sake put that back!’

Humans using peripheral vision to dodge incoming attacks and casually throwing an incendiary device over their shoulder into the enemy without looking, grabbing an injured companion and walking (seemingly) calmly to a med clinic.

Humans who sit for hours or weeks alone in their quarters, refusing to give an explanation afterward

Yanking smaller alien partners up with one hand before they step in something unpleasant

Warning about incoming attacks or foreseeing something, their alien friends staring in wonder and confusion because how could they possibly know about that?
Being treated with suspicion at first because of worry about double-crossing spies, human rolling their eyes and explaining yet again about gut feelings, and instincts

Another human pulling aside the commander to explain in whispers about humans who do have abilities, who practice the Craft

Humans explaining about different religions, about those who don’t follow one faith or another, ones who shrug and point at the windows and smile, saying, “Well, we found each other, other life among the stars, who knows what we might find next? Isn’t it exciting?”

Restless humans who pace along the viewscreens, impatiently badgering technicians about how far they’ve gone, where are they going next, how does that work?

Humans who, once they’re on planets, fall to their knees and stay that way for hours, and no, they don’t require a medic, they just want to stay here for a bit.

Humans who are constantly exploring everything, being called up and questioned about their whereabouts, how did they even get there? They shrug, saying they were learning

“Learning what?” Asks the alien leader

A smile, baring teeth that remind them that humans are omnivorous predators. “Everything we can.”

Walking Through a Memory

You know that prank where you move everything in the house two inches to the left and it’s so subtle no one notices but they keep bumping into stuff?

This is a peculiar consequence of kinesthetic awareness trumphing spacial awareness, I think. We don’t need to look at where we are going because our bodies know how to move there and don’t need to double-check. Hence why we don’t look at our feet to walk.

So imagine that aliens don’t have this to the same degree humans do. The furniture moves and they move around it and are confused as to why the human crewmates keep bumping into things.

Then one day, after all the humans ajusted to the prank, the lights go off and the aliens can’t move around.

But the humans are just navigating the spaceship by muscle memory. And that is amazing, that it is possible for them to *walk through a memory* to compensate for being temporarily blinded.

Throwing My Hat into the “Humans Are Weird” Thing

So what if all the other alien species evolved from Prey Species? Like, humans show up on the galactic scene and everyone is weirded out by the appearance of this species with eyes on the front of their heads and binocular vision, and crazy good senses of hearing and smell compared to everyone else.

And then it hits them.

They just made first contact with a race of sapient, intelligent Apex Predators. Eventually, after the panic dies down and the other races realize that humans aren’t going to eat them, they realize how good they are under pressure. They can hear and smell things before anyone else, are capable of going days without food if they have to, weeks with very little food. Or, they can pull off these insane feats of accuracy with their binocular vision. Or smell what dinner is from three rooms away, or hear a ship’s system failure before the alarm sounds.

On the humans are weird thing, what about the Hadron Collider?

Like, aliens come to earth and are kind of impressed with how fast our technology is progressing, and they’re like, touring the earth and meeting the greatest minds of our generation and eventually end up at CERN.


Alien: So what are you doing here, Human Scientist of CERN?

Scientist: Oh, well, we made this machine that smashes atoms into even smaller stuff.

Alien: Oh? And how did you achieve this?

Scientist: Well, we throw them at each other at amazing speeds until they break apart. It’s actually pretty cool.

Alien: It does sound interesting.

Scientist: Right? It sucks there’s people who are pissed about it.

Alien: Excuse me?

Scientist: Well, theoretically there’s a chance that we could create a black hole if we go through this process.

Alien:

Alien:

Alien: Why do you persist in this endeavor if this is a possibility?

Scientist: It’s fuckin’ sicc


And then the aliens realize that oh, humans are only so ahead of the times is because they’re fucking crazy and just do shit. And then they leave.

Just in case.

Humans are Weird - Pastimes

Humans becoming selective about which activities they share with certain alien species and this confuses their crewmates constantly. 


Tramuis encounters Human Pam in the corridor and they seem especially excited about the brightly illustrated box they have in their possession. 

“Hey Tram!! I just got a package, wanna come put it together with me?”

Having been advised on the importance of bonding actives with the ship’s human and possessing the time to spare they agree to participate. Excited, Human Pam leads them to an empty conference room with a large table.

“This’ll do. No one should bother it here if we don’t finish today.”

“What device are we assembling?”

“It’s not a ‘device’,” Pam laughs opening the box and spreading hundreds of small oddly shaped multicolored pieces on the table. “It’s a picture.”

“I am confused. What is the point of this activity?”

“It’s called a puzzle. We just need to reconstruct the image on the box using these interlocking pieces. There’s only one right way to do it, but the size, shape and color patterns are all designed to make the task difficult and time consuming.” Pam states with a smile. “It’s tons of fun. My family did them all the time in the winter.”

Knowing that this is an activity associated with the harsh freezing cycle of the terrain home world makes Tramuis a bit nervous and in want of another crewmate or two in case of the unexpected. A fairly wise precaution given a human’s loose definition of the term ‘fun’. “Maybe we should invite Commander Schrimnex to join us, their people are know for impressive visual acuity.”

“Nah, not that guy.” Pam states as they start manipulating the pieces.

“I am surprised. I was under the impression that your bonding level with the Commander was rather high.”

“Oh don’t get me wrong, Nexie’s great. Best sharpshooter on the ground team and I wouldn’t have anyone else watching my back.”

“Then why do you not wish for them to join us?”

Pam arches up the facial hairs above their eye. “Listen Tram, my nanna didn’t send this ten lightyears just to have a dude with sixteen eyes finish it in five minutes. Now get in here and help me find the edges.”

Imagine aliens reacting to human eating habits.

For instance, taste. Like, one day an alien notices the human crew member dumping something bright orange on their midday ration.

Alien: Does your supplement not have the right nutrients/?
Human: No, it just tastes bad.
Alien: ????
Human: Well, not precisely bad, but bland. It’s boring. So I thought I’d spice it up a bit. *waves bottle of bright orange substance*
Alien: You add items to your food that provide no necessary sustenance???
Human: Oh, just wait ‘til you hear about junk food.

‘Cause humans eat stuff that is not good just for the sensation. Like really spicy foods, chewing gum, and all these spices. And the aliens don’t get it. You put that in your body? Doesn’t that mess up your digestive system? What purpose does it serve?

Or human eating rituals. If you eat with one group of humans there are all of these utensils, some of which look extremely similar, but each with it’s own unique purpose. And if you don’t use the right one at the right time it’s a social faux pas. Then another group mostly uses their hands and lick their fingers. Does this not introduce pathogens? And you’ll see the same human doing both behaviors.

And there’s the whole concept of a meal as a social endeavor. Humans will have a meal with those they are close with as a sign of affection. Humans don’t even spend the entire meal eating, no they use it to talk. Business is done, friends catch up, families share news. All over a meal.

Aliens considering food a necessity not to be discussed in public. Yet here are these humans, who post pictures of their food to social media, share recipes, use food as a social catalyst, and as comfort. Hell, comfort food as a completely human idea that aliens don’t understand.

Anyway, humans are weird.