anonymous asked:

Dude you are so cute how are you single tbh? You are like the sweetest person

Well, I could play it cool and say that it’s by choice. Which, I mean, it is. I’m not looking for a relationship, at least, nothing exclusive and “serious”. I married young and got divorced young. So I guess some people would say I have “commitment issues” but it’s not because I want to go hoeing it up like Harvest Moon 64, it’s because I feel a strong need to get my life on track and at least be MOSTLY self sufficient before considering that sort of thing.

Even then, I have a fear of wasting my time. Eight years with one person who you realize in retrospect you didn’t even like that much is a tough pill to swallow. When you realize you were abused and mistreated but still spent nearly a decade of your time with someone, you’re prone to being hesitant to opening the door for that kind of thing. 

That isn’t to say that I’d let someone special just walk in and walk out of my life if they caught my eye. I’m not stupid, I wouldn’t ignore opportunity if it knocked in the form of someone who I just fit with, but the right person would also see where I’m coming from and be willing to work with me. 

I think that now, at this point in my life, there are probably more people interested in me than there have been at any point before. I don’t want to sound like I’m writing that off. I just…I mean, it’s hard, man. The last time I allowed myself to get caught up in the feels, like really love someone, it was a disaster. Not only were they thousands of miles away, they were in a relationship. I goofed, bad. We were great, incredible friends. We were so close, and she knew about my feels and we worked with it. 

Eventually, my emotions became too much. Bitterness, jealousy, it all ate away at the beautiful friendship I cherished. There’s nothing worse than watching emotions wreck your relationships when you can’t control them. It’s like being a passenger to a drunk driver who refuses to pull over and let you drive.

Understand how many hours I spent getting to know that person. Hours chatting, hanging out, writing together. When it all crashed and burned, I really lost the will to put forth effort in getting to know people. It’s a miracle I’ve made any friends since then because I’m a hard person to get to engage in “friend building” activities. I have people get frustrated with me when I don’t message them back or take a deep, vested interest in them. It sucks because a couple of years ago, I would have been wedged so far up their ass they’d be sick of me.

So yeah!! That’s my story! <3


get to know me meme; 20/20 animated movies: howl’s moving castle (2004)
“You who swallowed a falling star, oh heartless man, your heart shall soon belong to me.”