Hippomenes

8
                       A T A L A N T A

                                     You’d better not run with me,
                                                                said Atalanta,
                     For I shall be sure to overtake you, and that will be the end of you
.

                                          We’ll see about that , said Hippomenes.

Now Hippomenes, before coming to try his chance, had talked with Aphrodite, the queen of love … And he was so handsome and gentle and wise that Aphrodite took pity on him, and gave him three golden apples and told him what to do.

ATALANTA IS A BADASS MOTHERFUCKER WITH FRUIT PROBLEMS

FUCK YEAH BADASS GREEK LADY POWER! 

ATALANTA’S FATHER WANTED A SON SO LEFT HER ON A MOUNTAIN TO DIE. OF COURSE SHE HAD SPECIAL FUCKING ABANDONED BABY POWERS AND SURVIVED LONG ENOUGH TO BE RESCUED. BY A SHEPHERD? NO. BY A BEAR. A FUCKING BEAR ADOPTED HER. SHE GREW UP TO BE AN EPIC HUNTRESS AND WENT ON VARIOUS ADVENTURES, ONE INVOLVING SOME BOAR-HUNT WITH THIS EPIC DICK MELEAGER WHO WAS OBSESSED WITH HER AND WOULDN’T LET IT GO. THEN HE DIED SLOWLY AND HORRIBLY, SO EVERYTHING WAS FINE.

HER SEXIST-ASS DADDY (THE REAL ONE, NOT THE BEAR) EVENTUALLY RECLAIMED HER AND TRIED TO MAKE HER MARRY A VARIETY OF DICKS. SHE SAID NO FUCKING WAY, UNLESS ONE OF THEM COULD BEAT HER IN A RACE (SHE WANTED A MAN AS SWIFT AS  A COURSING RIVER OK). TONNES OF SUITORS WERE TOO SLOW, SO SHE HAD THEM FUCKING KILLED. SEE, EVEN THE LADIES IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY ARE DICKS. FINALLY, HIPPOMENES DECIDED HE WANTED TO HAVE THIS BADASS AS A WIFE, SO HE CHEATED BY ASKING APHRODITE FOR HELP. SHE GAVE HIM SOME APPLES. 

INSTEAD OF MAKING A FRUIT SALAD, HE JUST CHUCKED APPLES AT ATALANTA AS SHE SPRINTED AWAY, AND BECAUSE APPLES ARE SO FUCKING DISTRACTING, SHE LOST AND HAD TO MARRY THE SNEAKY BASTARD. OH AND THEN THEY HAD SEX IN ZEUS’ TEMPLE AND HE TURNED THEM INTO LIONS. FUCKING BADASS LIONS.

FUN GREEK FACT: THROWING AN APPLE AT SOMEONE IS A FUN WAY TO PROPOSE - IF THEY CATCH IT THEN THEY FUCKING LOVE YOU BACK, IF NOT, THEY GET INJURED AND WILL PROBABLY DECLARE YOU A MORTAL ENEMY. IT’S A WIN FUCKING WIN SITUATION.

Book X - Atalanta & Hippomenes

The Goddess, Venus, had never liked lions. She’d despised them, found them thoughtless creatures and warned the boy of them. She told him of their origins. Of her detest for them. She spoke of love and lust and honor. How once a man had abused his pleas for help and never given return on his deeds. As punishment for his betrayal, he and his won bride were cursed to lion bodies.