Heart-Ache

Because.. when your heart has been broken too many times you find it hard to let anyone else in. No matter how deserving they may be, there’s just this inexplicable feeling.. that no matter who it is.. they will eventually break your heart. I think that’s the thing, everyone will eventually break your heart no matter what. No matter who, your parents, your friends, family, love interests even strangers really. We live in a world where heartbreak is imminent because let’s face it; people are selfish. They would rather break someones heart in order to get ahead than do what’s good and what’s right- putting human emotion over material things. I guess at the end of the day what it really comes down to is that everybody is going to break your heart BUT what we often forget is that you’re the one who gets to choose who breaks your heart. You’re the one who gets to decide who means enough to you to see your vulnerable state you decide to trust them and just hope and pray that this time you don’t get your heart broken. Love.. love my friend is placing a gun in someone’s hand.. and trusting them not to pull the trigger.
— 

12/13/2014

1:22 pm

~Excerpts from the book I’ll never write #68

I know what it’s like
To take the limp hand
Of a no-longer-lover and to beg them
“Please look at me.”

I understand the lump that moves up your throat
When they turn their face away
And tear their fingers away from yours as they whisper
“I can’t.”

I know what it’s like
To search for constellations inside of your veins
Like digging for buried treasure
In the sand of a deserted beach

I understand that you’re looking for hidden stars
hoping to find a reason for that no-longer-lover to love you

But you have to understand
That it’s okay for your hands to come up empty
You have to understand
That no-longer-lover was not the one

Your heart is a puzzle with missing pieces
That no-longer-lover never fit right into the empty spaces
You could always feel a draft

That no-longer-lover cannot complete you

—  c.m.b.,7.7.14
It’s like a kid in the candy store type of thing.
You can have candy, you just have to wait 2 days (which feels like 2 years in kid time). Finally the 2 days have slowly gone by & you’re driving to the candy store, butterflies in your tummy, enthusiasm pouring from your fingertips, only to have your mom turn around as soon as you get to the shop.
That disappointment you feel in the pit of your stomach- is the same feeling that has pitched a tent in mine.
That feeling of hopefulness, that maybe your mom will change her mind- is the same feeling that makes my heart hurt & eyes burn.
Because just like the kid was promised candy,
I was promised forever.
—  (April 10th 2015, 2:10 PM)

“You’ve had your heart broken so many times before how can you trust again?” He hesitantly asked her almost as if he was worried that the mere question would open up old wounds. “Aren’t you scared of being hurt again?” He continued.

She sat there for ten minutes pondering the right answer to this till she finally decided there was no right answer and so she said “Yes, I’m scared. Of course I’m scared. Sometimes I get scared that he is going to meet someone amazing who will sweep him off his feet and I won’t stand a chance.

Then there are times when I wonder if I can ever be what he needs me to be and what if there was someone out there who can be better for him than I am? I mean by all means, if there is of course I’d want that person for him because he deserves the best and what’s best for him even if it’s not me I’d still be happy if he’s happy.

There are days when I worry my heart will be broken again and I’ll find myself too broken to even cry it out but then I remind myself of one thing. You can only lose a person if they want to be lost. They can only be stolen by someone else if they want to be stolen away.

If a person really wants to stay, there’s nothing and no one that can drag them away. No distance, no time, no level of attractiveness, nothing. At the end of the day what it really comes down to is whether or not they want to stay.

I guess you just have to trust in that, trust that if they want to stay they will, enjoy the moments you have with them and never take them for granted. Always let them know how much you appreciate them because you never know which moment will be your last.

So yes, I am scared of having my heart broken sometimes it keeps me up at night, out of nowhere those thoughts jump out at me but what I’m going to do is trust. It’s all I can do. Trust and pray and it’s all going to work out someday.” She whispered more to herself than to him.

— 

12/27/2014

5:38 pm

~Excerpts from the book I’ll never write #96