Everyone wakes up hungover from Alex’s wedding reception and they realize it’s the New Year. training begins once again. we lose to France. then we beat England. KO, Abby and Cap go to the Daytona 500 and look really cute. then we go to Portugal with our new away kits. Win a couple, tie Iceland. play France again, the cinnAMON ROLLS SCORE a goal each. Hope’s like ‘no one’s gonna score on me, idgaf if it’s a PK’, then we win the Algarve Cup FOR THE 10TH TIME. go back home, play at Busch stadium where everyone and their mom scores. then Jill Ellis names the 23 woman roster. Dunn’s cut, everyone’s like wtf. so we head to Cali and get ready to “send-off” the gals. #SheBelieves. The new home kits are white. Like literally just white. Everyone’s like ‘ok.’ San Jose. Gals get surprised by their moms.everyone cries. Grandma Alice says “get the goals.” JJ gets her third goal in the last 3 games even though shE’S A DEFENDER. Carson. Mary Abigail and Syd each get a brace. HAO cracks us up, Arod and Abby imitate Krieger’s gallop. Media dayyyyyy. USWNT ARE IN FIFA 16!!! GMA GMA GMA (+ ed sheeran). WE’RE ON A BOAT. now we’re in Jersey, we tie Korea, everyone’s like wtf again. WORLD CUP TIME. train train train. promo promo promo. everyone wears Alex’s pink headband in a commercial and I shed a few tears about it. Katie Nolan makes everyone laugh. more promo. more training. NOW WE’RE IN CANADA, Winnipeg to be exact. Klinnsman wishes USWNT good luck, once again, no one cares. Pinoe destroys Australia, then we get a cinnamon roll goal. everyone cries over Pia. Then Kling saves America’s life and we tie Sweden. Hope drags Carli up a mountain. 👀 👍🏼good shit 👍🏼 👀 VanCOUVAHHHH round 1 = Nigeria. Wambach with da goal. ROUND OF 16 BITCHEZZZ. Half the population of America shows up in Canada. COLOMBIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Baby Horse finally gets her goal. Carli scores. Krieger still looks like a model. Quarterfinals, time to kick some Chinese buTT. No Pinoe, No Cheney. secret weapon is unleashed: MOOOOOORGAAAANN BRIIIANNNN. Brick wall continues to be a brick wall. Carli scores again. we move to Montreal. Germany talks some shit. USA stays classy. JJ has a little tizzle *crying emoji.* Hope uses the force on Sasic, she misses the PK and everyone screams excitedly at their TV. Alex draws the foul, Carli scores again, what’s new. FLYING SQUIRREL APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE AND SCORES HER FIRST INTERNATIONAL GOAL. I pass out in my living room. USA 2 - GER 0. “WE GOIN TO THE SHIP. WE GOIN TO THE SHIP” -Kling + KO. Vancouver round 2. REMATCH AGAINST JAPAN. lots of press and promos. Game time. Carli scores. Carli scores AGAIN. then Cheney scores in a beautiful volley. then, LLOYD WITH MORGAN STREAKING. SHE’S CHIPPING THE GOALKEEPERRRRR!!!!! OFF THE POST AND IN! HAT TRICK FOR LLOYD!!!! (Carli scores again, what’s new). Everyone’s screaming. Beyoncé is watching. I pass out in my living room yet again. Japan scores but no one cares. halftime comes and goes. Brick wall continues 2 be brick wall, Krieger continues 2 be model. own goal by JJ but everyone still loves her. then 2 minutes later Moe passes it to Tobin and Tobs KICKS IT IN. 5-2 USA. 3′ 5′ 14′ 16′ 54′. THEN WE WIN. WE FUCKING WIN THE WORLD CUP. players cry. fans cry. kriegs drops to her knees and everyone cries some more at the significance. Hope runs around hugging everyone fiercely until she gets to Carli with the proudest look on her face. Abby kisses Sarah and ignorant America thinks they’re #galpals. awards are passed out. we lift the trophy. gold confetti everywhere. lots of pictures. i’m still crying about it. Everyone gets drunk. Three-star ceremony. Pinoe’s still drunk. Tobin wears her world champions shirt. There’s like 5 billion celebrations all over the country. Obama calls and asks what Carli Lloyd has been eating. in LA everyone jumps to the sound of I BELIEVE THAT WE JUST WON. Once again, Pinoe is still drunk. then we get a ticker tape parade in NYC. Tobin still has not taken off her World Champions shirt. the USWNT becomes best friends with Taylor Swift. SPORTS ILLUSTRATED COVER TIME BITCHESSSSS. Alex Morgan gets on the Fifa 16 cover with Messi. VICTORY TOUR. Kling scores in Pittsburgh. we win a lot. Carli scores a couple of hat tricks. THE RETURN OF DUNN. we score some more. then a few more times after that. Syd gets married and everyone looks good af. We tie Brazil and it’s annoying. then we beat them. Also everyone retires and everyone cries. (we love u boxxy, chups and cheney). It’s the end of The N** K*ds and like I said everyone’s still crying (censored for fresh wounds). at the White House Obama calls the gals ‘badasses.’ New call ups!!!! Rose Lavelle brightens up our world with her pale, pale complexion. everyone decides Lindsey Horan is someone to keep around. Stephanie McCaffrey becomes Carli Lloyd’s second best friend. everyone goes to Hawaii, KO wears her obnoxious outfit. Pinoe tears her ACL </3. USSF fucks up for the millionth time. The field sucks and everyone’s pissed. then the game gets cancelled. Everyone and their mom celebrates their 100th cap this year, except for Carli who celebrates her 200th. HAO gets freed a couple of times, Press officially becomes Hat Trick Jr. and Alex Morgan gets called offsides like 18,000 times. (eff you ref, don’t forget that we know your name now). Abby tells everyone to ‘forget’ her and no one actually listens. Carli wins FIFA player of the year and everyone is proud. Carli wins U.S. Player of the Year and everyone flips a bitch bc Broon should’ve won. and that’s what you missed in 2015.
What’s next for the USWNT, you might ask. Who will make the Olympic Roster? Does anyone stop crying? Will Steph McCaffrey ever get her high five? Find out when we return in 2016.