the most extra things that hamlet did in the play, in no particular order

  • told his mother that no matter how much black he wore it could never really reflect how he felt inside
  • had a full conversation in a graveyard with a gravedigger about death and talked to the skull of a man he hadn’t even seen in twenty-three years 
  • physically attacked his mom over her sex life
  • wrote an entire play to frame his uncle for murder instead of just going to the authorities or killing his uncle like he kept planning on doing
  • jumped into ophelia’s grave to fight with laertes over which one of them loved her more
  • “how do i distract everyone so i can plan my uncle’s murder? act fucking insane? okay that works lmao”
  • forged a letter from his uncle instructing the people in england to murder his former best friends instead of him 
  • stabbed polonius and then said it was his fault for being too nosey
Shakespeare plays as Onion headlines

Hamlet: 

Twelfth Night:

Macbeth:

Julius Caesar:

Titus Andronicus: 

Henry IV Part 1:

Two Gentlemen of Verona:

Measure for Measure:

Coriolanus:

Othello:

The Tempest:

The Winter’s Tale:

King Lear:

the signs as shit my english teacher has said

aries: if you start you essay with “In the book The Great Gatsby…” im gonna throw you out that window 

taurus: elvish looks nothing like that

gemini: when we get back, you’re playing the trumpet or I’m failing you

cancer: oh I forget this class doesn’t get irony

leo: I’m definitely lawful good, c’mon, have you met me?

virgo: you guys know what raisins are right?

libra: *uses the word ‘artifice’ 13 times in 3 sentences* 

scorpio: “Jesus Christ” Just Jonathan will do, thanks

sagittarius: I wonder if [Ryan Ross]’s an asshole

capricorn: I respect any song that has heavy breathing as a bass line

aquarius: I fucking hate sublime, like we get it. you smoked weed once and it was cool

pisces: Hamlet’s long, but he’s worth it

Ophelia

Ophelia goes up to the counter but before she can say anything the barista says, “Oh, we already have your order, miss, your father sent ahead.” Ophelia starts to say something but the barista continues, “and if you don’t like that, well, your brother also sent ahead an order for you. And Prince Hamlet as well. And also–”

Ophelia leaves the Starbucks drinkless.