Practical Shakespeare Quotes

Do you want to quote more Shakespeare in your life but never find opportunities to say “brevity is the soul of wit”? Do you rarely hang below balconies exchanging love vows with the daughter of your enemy? This is just the list for you.

“What an ass am I!”
Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2

“I am not a slut,”
As You Like It, Act 3, Scene 3
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here,”
The Tempest, Act 1, Scene 2

“Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways,”
Henry IV Part 2, Act 4, Scene 5

“This is the excellent foppery of the world,”

King Lear, Act 1, Scene 2

“Making the beast with two backs,”
Othello, Act 1, Scene 1

“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool,”
As You Like It, Act 5, Scene 1

“To tell thee plain, I aim to lie with thee,”
Henry VI Part 3, Act 3, Scene 2
(Works great for courting hot widows.)

“I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me,”
Much Ado About Nothing, Act 1, Scene 1

“I wasted time, and now doth time waste me,”
Richard II, Act 5, Scene 5

“Marry, sir, in her buttocks.”
A Comedy of Errors, Act 2, Scene 5
(No judgement here.)

“My horse is my mistress,”
Henry V, Act 3, Scene 7
(Uh, there might be something wrong with that.)

“Thou dost infect my eyes,”
Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2

“Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit,”
Twelfth Night, Act 1, Scene 5
(“Wit” is Shakespearean slang for penis.)

“[Wine] provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance,”
Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 3

“I had rather live with cheese and garlic in a windmill, far, than feed on cates and have him talk to me in any summer-house in Christendom,”
Henry IV Part 2, Act 4 Scene 1

“Now, gods, stand up for bastards!”
King Lear, Act 1, Scene 2

“Villain, I have done thy mother!”
Titus Andronicus, Act 4, Scene 2
(This means exactly what you think it does.)

“And thou unfit for any place but hell,”
Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2

“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers,”
Henry VI Part 2, Act 4, Scene 2

“Heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell.”
Othello, Act 4, Scene 2

“Out, dunghill!”
King John, Act 4, Scene 3

“This is too long.”
Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2


OH MAN im so pumped about the Ophelia-centric ver. of Hamlet like dang i literally wrote abt the lack of Ophelia’s perspective in my poetry anthology of scorned women throughout history from last semester raise ur hand if ur abt to scream over HOW FRICKIN COOL THIS IS

Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour off,
And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.
Do not for ever with thy vailed lids
Seek for thy noble father in the dust:
Thou know'st ‘tis common; all that lives must die,
Passing through nature to eternity.

One of my final few pieces for my spring thesis! This one is from Hamlet, styled as if it were a 1980s soap opera a la Dynasty!


Taking another short break from Twelfth Night. OK, so I’m over a year late to get on the Hamilton bandwagon. I’ve been geeking out about it from afar but only recently made the time to actually sit down and listen properly to the whole thing.

It’s hardly revolutionary (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) to make a connection between Hamilton and Hamlet. Hamilton’s creator, Lin-Manuel Miranda, got the ball rolling with this recorded encounter:

Well, I’ve never met a musical number that I haven’t wanted to at least try to parody, so I thought I’d take a song from Hamilton and rework it a bit… into Hamleton. It was not easy, as Miranda’s lyrics are very dense and intricate, and I’m not entirely sure I’ve succeeded, but here it is anyways. Many thanks to Dan Beaulieu of the Seven Stages Shakespeare Company and No Holds Bard Podcast for acting as Lyrical Dramaturge on this effort.

(Here’s the song in question, if you’ve somehow managed not to listen to Hamilton yet.)

COMING SOON* TO A WEBCOMIC NEAR YOU: Cordelia… Goneril… and Regan… the Le-ar Sisters!

*may or may not be coming soon

If you like Shakespeare/musical theatre mash-ups, be sure to check out The Sound of Hamlet and Into the (Shakespearean) Woods.

Signs as Shakespeare characters
  • Aquarius:Puck
  • Pisces:Lady Macbeth
  • Aries:Viola
  • Taurus:Malvolio's yellow stockings
  • Gemini:all the Sebastians combined to make The Sebastian™
  • Cancer:Iago's hate-boner for Othello
  • Leo:the kid in Macbeth who gets called an egg and stabbed to death
  • Virgo:Macbeth's "dagger" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  • Libra:Titus' severed hand
  • Scorpio:Hamlet's left nipple
  • Sagittarius:Mercutio's sass
  • Capricorn:Mercutio's ass