Year 4 (Oh God, Help Me Before I Write This Story)
-Bob and Ivy co-teach History of Magic. It becomes the most informative and entertaining course of the year
.-Dresden is heard constantly in the halls. "Voldemort? Most dangerous Dark Wizard in Britain? What a bunch of lightweights… Where was Morgan when they really needed him?“
-McGonagal and Ebeneezer disappear for "educational meetings” (I’M NOT LETTING THIS IDEA GO!)
-Ebeneezer co-teaches… everything. DADA is incredibly hardcore (those that don’t wash-out on his teaching days see incredible improvements) Care of Magical Creatures is down, dirty and informative (Hagrid might now worship him as a minor deity), Astronomy is practical and also oddly relaxed, contrary to his normal teaching style
-Toot-toot and the Za-Guard meet the house elves (somehow). Magical pizza now exists.
-Desden is seen weeping and clutching an imported case of Mac’s brew. He, Flitwick and Hagrid proceed to tell each other some incredible stories, while getting progressively more legless.
-Dresden is also seen wandering the halls, muttering, “Azkaban. A wizard prison. So they don’t just flat out murder people over here for breaking one of the Laws. Must be nice…”
-Verus and Trelawny actually get along pretty well. Nobody can make any sense of it.
-Professor Longbottom and Guest Lecturer O'Sullivan have a blast together. There may have been a comparing of swords and “partaking of herbs.”
-Mister is the Lord of all Pets. Mrs. Norris is his right paw feline.
-Harry is really uncomfortable about going into the Forbidden Forest. Not because of the “forbidden” aspect, but because … centaurs still make him uneasy. Firenze tries to assure him they’re all Wild Fae
.-Harry can’t pocket sunlight or make a Patronus (Yes, I’m a bastard) Or he draws on the image of Archangel Murph (Yes, I’m a sappy bastard)
-The students and staff who look up to/appreciate Dresden have a special meal made for him during the Halloween feast. He cries. A lot.
-Harry planned on staying at Hogwarts for the Christmas break, but the Carpenters invited him for Christmas day/dinner. He cried. A lot.
Draco Lucius Malfoy seemed to live the easy life of a Hogwarts student. He had money to buy anything he wanted.. Or almost everything. He could buy friends, ‘love’, good grades and much more, but this one thing he could not buy turns out to be a tough challenge to get his hands on; Harry James Potter.
So the thing is in the actual book series JK Rowling never said what House Hagrid was in. We find out that Hagrid actually went to Hogwarts as a student really in the 2nd book–when we see Tom Riddle, the Slytherin prefect confront Hagrid in his own dorm room, and the two seemed pretty familiar with each other.
Hagrid was expelled as a 3rd year. He was born in 1928, and Riddle was born 1926. So Riddle was a 5th year prefect,
Hagrid doesn’t seem like he was particularly good at any branch of magic other than Care of Magical Creatures, so how would the two know each other? Hagrid is 2 years younger than Tom, so how would they have known each other well enough for Hagrid to call him ‘Tom,’ not Riddle?
Now, the prefects are some of the only people the oblivious Harry Potter recognizes from other Houses, other than Quidditch players. And yet we’ve never heard about prefects from other Houses coming in to discipline Gryffindor students. Hell we’ve never heard about people from other houses in the Gryffindor common room period. You really think that Tom Riddle would know enough about a 3rd year Gryffindor nobody, someone who isn’t even his year?
Not to mentionthis is when the Chamber of Secrets is open, a girl was killed. You think Gryffindor is going to let a powerful Slytherin traipse around their tower, when tensions are running high after being terrified all year? No.
But you know what’s much more plausible? Hagrid was a Slytherin.
Whereas it wouldn’t make any sense to be friends with a young Gryiffindor, young Slytherins are Tom’s responsibility. Tom knowing, and being able to access a 3rd year Slytherin’s dormitory–how he knew Hagrid well enough to know about Arigog, and where he’s kept– makes much more sense. Not to mention they are looking for the heir of Slytherin. Guess what hint hint they’re probably looking at a Slytherin to be accountable for Myrtle’s murder. Not a Gryffindor.
The only reason suspicion fell on Harry was because he could literally talk to snakes, and people who didn’t know enough about what happened in the past made the obvious leap “Slytherin’s monster=Snake; harry can talk to snakes=Harry’s the heir of Slytherin.”
And damn, it makes sense that Hagrid’s a Slytherin. If there’s anyone who’s a true friend to Harry it’s Hagrid, the man who tried to make sure Harry had everything he ever needed (I still get emotional thinking about Hagrid making that scrapbook for Harry. @Dumbledore maybe Harry wouldn’t have been so enraptured by the Mirror of Erised if he actually had a damn photo of his parents).
And it makes perfect sense for Hagrid to be prejudiced against Slytherin. These are the people who threw him away, who got him kicked out of Hogwarts, who would have taken away his home if Dumbledore hadn’t allowed him to stay on as groundskeeper. And yeah don’t get me wrong Hagrid definitely has morals but he’s like the definition of Slytherin loyalty, he’d do anything for the people he cares about. Just think of him hiding Gawp in the Forbidden Forest. It’s not safe or wise or brave, he keeps that knowledge from even Dumbledore (Dumbledore, who he believes in not because of his ideals or what he stands for but because he is Dumbledore, someone Hagrid is loyal to).
But this is his brother, who is going to get hurt if he stays with the other giants. Think of how Hagrid loves Harry–now, think of Narcissa Malfoy, willing to do anything if it meant the chance her son was alive, even defy Voldemort and go against what her family had been working towards for decades. Hagrid is such a Slytherin parent.
tl;dr sure, JKR might have posted on her twitter or Pottermore that Hagrid was a Gryffindor, but writing is about showing, not telling. And she might have told us that he’s Gryffindor, but she’s showed us he’s Slytherin
Do you ever think about the fact that when Dumbledore asked Hagrid to go tell Harry that he’s a wizard, Hagrid’s reaction was “Okay, but first, I’mma make that boy a cake”. Because I think about that a lot.
Do you ever think about how when Ron’s wand broke 2nd year, just using spell-o-tape wasn’t enough to fix it. It kept backfiring in ways that were really bad, like making himself eat slugs, or kinda just. being defective in general.
Hagrid’s wand was snapped his 3rd year. But he still uses it, disguised as an umbrella. And it works.
Like we know Ollivander didn’t fix it, since he was surprised to hear Hagrid had the pieces. Not to mention since Hagrid was expelled, it would be extremely illegal to fix it. Hogwarts works as a groundskeeper, and lives in a one room wooden hut that he made himself. He’s not going to have the money to ribe someone to fix it, and then there’s also the fact that because of his heritage, even if he could bribe someone to fix it, they probably wouldn’t. And sure, Dumbledore probably knows that Hagrid fixed his wand, there’s a certain level of deniability there. He wouldn’t have actually gotten involved with the wand mending process. Especially when Hagrid was just accused of killing a student.
So that means Hagrid would have put his wand back together himself.
The 3rd year transfiguration examination was to turn a teapot into a tortoise. Only inanimate objects into animals. Part of the reason animagi are so rare is because they’re human to animal transformations. The first time we meet Hagrid, he gives Dudley a tail, and correctly animates the boat he and Harry are on. Silently.
Harry and co. didn’t even attempt to learn silent casting until 6th year. Anything Hagrid learned after 3rd year would have been self taught.
Hagrid is one powerful wizard and holy shit combined with his resistance to magic with his giant heritage forget McGonagall holy shit Hagrid is terrifying
your answer to “who teaches sex ed at hogwarts” is funny no matter who you say, literally name a hogwarts teacher and imagine them trying to demonstrate how to put on a condom, it’s literally funny no matter which teacher you’re imagining