HI ROXY

seriously though, in order for there to be any relevant plot in the Kingsman threequel they have to bring back Merlin.

Because without him this organisation consists of a one eyed man who is notoriously late, one Lancelot who is recovering from a missile attack (SHE LIVES FIGHT ME), one hillbilly that thinks wearing a denim suit to a royal wedding is an accaptable thing to do, and a guy who’s side job is being the prince of fucking Sweden.

Bring back Merlin or the world is fucking doomed.

roxy trying to help eggsy out in wooing harry like 

“hey, harry, sir, arthur, what’s your general preference for a potential love interest? height, hobbies, age, zodiac sign?”

a cough. "lancelot, while i’m very flattered i don’t think this is very appropriate.”

“oh no no sir, i’m just, asking for-”

“good, because it is often frowned upon for a man of my age to be with a lady like yourself-”

"sir, i’m gay. i’ve been dating amelia for 5 months.”

“oh well that’s good. me too. not the dating amelia thing. the gay, um, thing.”

“yes, sir, that’s fine. that’s perfect, actually. thank you for your time.” 

“oh and miss morton? exactly 1.78m, athletic and a skilled driver, 27, and i don’t know anything about zodiac signs. you’d better ask him seeing as he’s listening to our conversation right now.” 

"sir?”

“i’m available tonight after 7pm, and i do not like seafood on a first date. good afternoon, agents.”  

Homestuck Beach Headcanons

John: hot sand hot sand hot sand *makes it to the water* cold water cold water cold water (this goes on for like an hour before he settles finally). Brought one of those fake shark fins and straps it to the top of his head. He fools no one. Brought approximately 53 kites and loses All of them because Dave said “hey I bet your kites can’t hold up against your windy thing”. He was right. Tells Karkat that the ocean speaks to ppl through conch shells, he holds one up to his ear, nods, “sorry Karkat, the ocean says you’re an idiot”. Karkat is horrified and John is dying trying to keep a straight face.

Dave: has a SBAHJ swimsuit and a SBAHJ surfboard. Challenges Jade to a surf-off. “Are you sure, Dave? I’ve had a lot of practice and it’s not as easy as it looks! I’ve got it, Dave reassures her. How difficult can it be. She warned u, bro. She warned u about the surf. He does not get back in the water. Fills a bucket with crabs of various shapes and sizes throughout the day, at the end he calls Karkat over to where he’s standing by the waters edge. Hey. Hey Karkat. Look what I found. He pours the crabs out at Karkat’s feet. Karkat looks unsettled. Dave. Where did you even find all these crabs Dave. They’re your children Karkat. I did this for you.

Jade: spends the whole day in the water and also she is a surf goddess did I mention that? Doesn’t put any sunscreen in and everyone is concerned but she barely even tans. After getting out of the water she does the Wet Doggo Shake™ Jade can u pls just warn us before u do that pls you’re getting us all soaking wet. Smells suspiciously like wet dog but everyone is too polite to point it out. Helps Dave collect his crabs bc she has an uncanny knack for finding them (she’s sniffing them out with her doggy nose but doesn’t tell Dave bc she wants to show off).

Rose: builds sand castles with Kanaya bc Kanaya is deadass terrified of the ocean. They surpass sandcastle tbh it’s more like a sand palace. Rose found a bunch of nice purpley shells to decorate with and also some rocks that look suspiciously arcane and vaguely powerful. High tide somehow wipes out the group’s chairs but doesn’t touch the sandcastle. Hm. Chastises Dave for building dicks out of the sand. Is there something you’d like to tell us, Dave? *Dave sweating* what’s a penis I don’t even know anyone named Karkat. Rose smiles innocently. Of course not. Throughout the day, Rose brings water for Kanaya to drink and also to dump on her so she can regulate her body temperature. Since she’s a cold-blood her body temp is lower so she overheats v easily.

Kanaya: is deadass terrified of the ocean. Does the detail work on the castle she and Rose are making, carves out little stairs and turrets and makes flags out of spare ribbon she keeps in her bag. It’s beautiful. She cries at the end of the day when they have to leave it even though they’ve taken lots of pictures. . Karkat comes up to her with a conch shell and holds it out to Kanaya, “john told me the ocean said I was an idiot Kanaya what is it saying I can’t hear anything” She takes the conch shell and listens. Mmhm. Yes. Oh My. “What did it say???” It Was Really Quite Rude, I Shouldn’t Repeat It. Karkat is about to cry. Kanaya and Rose secretly fist bump.

Karkat: oh boy this has really been A Day for him. He’s nervous around the ocean already but apparently it thinks he’s an idiot??? He loves the crabs they remind him of his lusus, it was slightly horrifying that Dave put a bunch of them in a bucket for obvious reasons. Wants to be buried in the sand, Jake helps him dig a big hole and he and Dave and Dirk all work together to make it big enough and fill it in afterwards. Dave writes “im gay” underneath Karkat’s head poking out and Karkat yells at him for taking pictures. Sollux falls asleep on his towel and Karkat writes “beefucker” on his forehead.

Terezi: before they got there everyone told Terezi not to lick the sand. Guess what she did. Also, accidentally popped the beach ball with her teeth because she was licking it. There’s a theme here can u find it. Is in the water a lot because Vriska is desperately trying to regulate her body temperature and has v little energy to say mean things which everyone is grateful for. To make her feel better, Terezi engages in wildly uncreative insults that Vriska can easily latch onto without having to put much energy in. “Hey Terezi is the water cold?” I don’t know john, is your FACE cold? “Terezi that doesn’t even make any sense”, your face doesn’t make any sense! She cackles as if this is some High Brow Humor every single time.

Jake: has an irrational fear of seagulls, they keep coming for his food and that makes him nervous because the monsters on his island were one thing but this? This sly and wily creature? Dirk is like,,,buddy,,,it’s just a seagull? It’s just a bird? “They’re eating my fries, Dirk, I won’t stand for it!” Jake has a little ukulele that he knows like five songs on, he sits outside by the boardwalk and just strums it sometimes after dark. One night, two little kids come by and give him 6 dollars in crumpled singles for his playing and he started crying he was so touched.

Jane: is having the TIME of her life, and is also the Mom friend. She’s simultaneously kicking ass at beach volleyball and reminding everyone to put on their sunscreen and reapply every two hours please! She’s also having a good time experimenting with cooking seafood some nights, though once she made the mistake of bringing in crab and Karkat did Not take it well. It took an hour to calm him down. Jane felt awful and made it up to him by buying him a nice hoodie w a happy crab on it. Bought a cute little blue boogie board and hangs out with Jade and Roxy in the water, she’s not very good at it but she likes swimming around a little.

Dirk: he’s that one friend that goes way too hard in casual games tbh. Like, they’re just playing a friendly game of volleyball Dirk can you please stop spiking it every five seconds. The grind never stops, Roxy, don’t hate the player hate the grind. Jane looked at him w so much disappointment in her eyes after he said it that he felt the force of her stare physically and had to take a step back. Tries to show Jake that seagulls aren’t scary by feeding them, but they start attacking him for his fries which does not help prove his point at all.

Roxy: “the babe” Lalonde has been ready for a beach trip her entire life. She is checking out the lifeguards, she’s checking out the other gals and dudes strolling about the beach, she’s got her best friends with her, what more could she want??? She buys a cutesy pink surfboard and Dave makes fun of her for it and she smiles sweetly. Oh sorry Dave? I forgot you were so good at surfing?? No one knows how or when Roxy learned to hang ten but THERE SHE GOES. She finds a lot of pretty shells and rocks and sand dollars and is just enthusiastic about everything tbh. She brightens everyone’s mood always.

Calliope: cherubs can’t float so Roxy’s overprotective ass won’t let her near the water unless someone is with her and making sure she’s safe. This is Fine with calliope bc that means that she’s never alone and therefore she’s never lonely and really that’s all she’s ever wanted so!! She’s v content to watch Jade and Roxy surf, she will sit w Jane sometimes when she isn’t in the water. She also likes digging for sand crabs with Karkat bc she likes their little legs. She wants to dig deep enough to find a lobster and no one has the heart to tell her that’s not how it works.

Sollux: this idiot. This boy. My sweet sweet son. Makes the horrible mistake of falling asleep on his towel. He was underneath the big umbrella when he started, but as the sun moves and he’s not putting on more sunscreen?? John, Dave, and Karkat take it upon themselves to not only write “beefucker” on his forehead, but also draw dicks on his whole body in sunscreen so he burns (trolls turn a darker shade of their blood color) and ends up with these pale gray dicks surrounded by a horrible dark, mustardy burn.

Homestuck 4th of July Headcanons

John: brought those little popper things to throw at unsuspecting ppls feet. He is v frustrated to find that the trolls don’t jump at all bc they’re so used to hearing strange and sudden loud noises that this is baby shit to them. Of course, John simply takes this as a challenge to up the ante aka slip them into ppls shoes when they aren’t looking. “Hey uhhh Terezi why aren’t you wearing any shoes?” “I don’t know john, I just like to feel the earth beneath my humble feet”

Jade: lovesssss fireworks she found some old ones on her island once and tried setting them off but it was meh, these are so much better and everyone is here to share the experience with her! Helps Jane barbecue up some veggie burgers and some hot dogs for everyone and Definitely Does Not slip any of the scraps to the Becs. Nope. None. At all.

Dave: is decked head to toe in obnoxious USA gear. Has an American flag muscle shirt with an eagle dramatically superimposed in front of it. Has a head band with flags attached by boingy springs at the top. He is wearing red white and blue jorts and his regular sunglasses have been replaced by super shitty jpeg ones that spell USA. Karkat looks at him, utterly disgusted, and says Dave what the Fuck are you wearing. Dave. What the fuck. Also, those Strider boys sure do love sparklers because he and Dirk have All of the sparklers. All of Them.

Rose: as a light player, digs it. As someone who doesn’t want to be reminded of her land bc she didn’t complete her quest, not so much. But she has to be cool about it bc Kanaya has never seen fireworks before and fuck if she’s going to let her very Gay girlfriend, with whom she is in Lesbians, have her first fireworks soiled in ANY WAY. And if there’s a few fireworks that look like purple and green eldritch horrors,,,,it’s a coincidence. Maybe. Dave says hey rose uhh you didn’t have anything to do with those creepy as fuck looking ones did you. Rose flutters her lashes. Why, no Dave. Of course not. I have never ever done anything like that ever in my life ever. Smiles v sweetly.

Kanaya: first of all, is a little frustrated that apparently these “fireworks” are capable of multiple colors when they light up, but she’s not?? That doesn’t seem fair but whatever it’s Fine. Rose thinks she’s being sneaky about her anxiety around fireworks but Kanaya totally picks up on it and Very Subtly tries to comfort her. Ahem. Rose, I Understand That You Totally Do Not Feel Uncomfortable About This Situation, Wink Wink, But Allow Yourself To Feel Comforted By My Presence. Not That You Need It, Obviously. Your Human Emotions Are A Mystery To Me. (To those wondering if Kanaya winked physically or just said the word wink out loud, the answer is Yes).

Karkat: this is so stupid why do all the fireworks have colors. Where are the gray, nondescript fireworks. What if the fireworks don’t want everyone knowing their goddamn fucking business. “Dude, you might be overthinking this, they’re just fireworks” hey Fuck You, Dave, I don’t give a shit if they’re your MOTHER who I had HUMAN INTERCOURSE with last night even though she is SO MEDICALLY OVERWEIGHT. *whispering* (john did I do those “your human female ancestor” jokes right). John wipes away a single tear. Yes karkat, your “yo mama” jokes were great. They were perfect. I’m so proud.

Terezi: she absolutely did try to lick a sparkler. everyone watched, horrified, but she just sort of shrugged and went “meh”. She and Vriska are watching and feeling,,,a weird déjà vu kind of thing? Like maybe they’ve seen this before?

Jane: has been barbecuing up some good eats all day! She’s got veggie burgers for Roxy and Jade (and some snausages just in case), she’s got hamburgers for the trolls who actually prefer them as rare as possible because let’s face it, they’ve got the teeth of bloodthirsty carnivores. She has bratwurst for herself, hot dogs for Dave bc he’s a baby with no taste for fine food, and just a big assortment of stuff for everyone. Dirk helps cook and he’s got one of those weird anime girl aprons and it’s awkward for everyone involved.

Jake: burns himself on every single sparkler. every single one. Dagnabbit! These foolish things really are a trick to get going, aren’t they? Dirk just nods and agrees with him as he and Dave share nervous looks and hide their hordes of sparklers. Jake has successfully managed to burn every single finger and also a couple toes. Karkat laughs at him for being bad at this despite being unable to light any himself. They both receive pre lit sparklers and have a sparkler duel. It’s Bad. They smell like burnt hair for weeks after.

Dirk: Sparklers Georg, aka Dirk, who lights approximately 99,999 sparklers per celebration and is an outlier that should not have been counted, tells Jake uhhhh yes. They’re very tricky to light. You’re absolutely right and I am a Fool. He hides the 37 currently lit sparklers behind his back. Roxy begs him to put away his anime girl apron. Dirk. Dirk. Her titties. They’re so anatomically incorrect. You’re not even straight. Yes, he tells her. I know. That’s what makes it Ironic™. She throws her shoe at his head. John yells fuck! in the distance because there goes his secret poppers prank.

Roxy: definitely knew that john put the poppers in her shoes. Brought so many glow sticks and has to explain to Kanaya, no you can’t drink them. No I really don’t think that it will help you glow different colors. Please- oh god no. On the bright side, Kanaya’s tongue glows for the rest of the night. Watches the fireworks while sitting in a tree because Callie likes to feel tall.

Sollux: chills with Aradia in the back bc we all know that she loves to watch things blow up. Sollux kinda grumbles that it’s just a bunch of chemicals and science shit and it’s really not that impressive and I could probably do the same thing with my psiionics I’m just saying. Just putting that out there in case anyone wanted to know. Aradia smiles and pats his shoulder reassuringly. No one cares, Sollux. Just shut up and watch the fireworks.

Missing (Eggsy Unwin Imagine)

A/N: Hey pals! Sorry, I’ve been away for so long - mock exams are getting crazy! I should be writing more soon, and I hope you enjoy this one! It’s my longest one yet - sorry it’s taken so long!

ALSO - if you're not following @flippingeggsy then what are you doing?

Warnings: kidnapping, swearing, violence, angst (it’s a jolly one…)

The gun in Eggsy’s hands shook imperceptibly next to the man’s head.

Blood trickled from a wound on his temple, trailing down his cheek and running over his lips. Eggsy didn’t seem to notice; he pressed the barrel harder into the man’s face.

“Where is she?” He hissed. A crackle sounded through his earpiece and he flinched.

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Ravish Me Red (Eggsy Unwin X Reader)

Fandom: Kingsman: The Secret Service
Pairing: Eggsy Unwin X Reader
Word Count: 3,798
Author's Note: Reader has been with the Kingsman for longer than Eggsy and Roxy, but she’s only like a year or two older than them. Takes place after the events of the movie!! Forgive me nothing makes sense asdfghjkl  >.<  We’re gonna pretend that some Kingsman live at headquarters, or they at least do for a while.
WARNING: Sexual themes!!


“Galahad, would you step up to the front, please?” You asked, patiently waiting for Eggsy as he climbed out of his seat and to the front of the room. You were in charge of handling the weapons for the Kingsman and you had just gotten a new shipment of weapons in, so it was your job to show them how to use them. You smiled reassuringly at him and grabbed him by the shoulders, positioning him so that everyone in the room could see him.


“This,” You said, holding up a tube of lipstick for the other Kingsman to see it. “Might just become your new best friend.” You popped open the lid, revealing a pointed cylinder of clear lipstick. You carefully applied some to your lips, before looking at the men and women in the room. “As you can see, it barely even has a shine, so anyone can use it without it being suspicious. Be careful to not lick your lips though, as long as you don’t ingest it, you’re fine.”


“And what does it do, exactly?” Lancelot asked curiously, and you smiled at the blonde haired girl.


“I am very glad that you asked!” You said excitedly and turned your attention back to Eggsy. You wrapped a hand around his neck and pulled him into a kiss before he could react, well aware of the stunned silence of the other Kingsman. Eggsy’s tongue flicked across your lips, and you rolled your eyes as his mouth suddenly went limp and he fell into your arms. 

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AU in which Eridan is secretly a merman or a siren and Dirk is secretly a vampire (or some shit) and they decide to try and court each other but while also thinking the other is human.

So like:

*At the restaurant*

Eridan: Drinks 3 glasses of water before the food comes.

Dirk: Shit humans drink way more water than I thought. *Tries to drink like 8 glasses of water and just ends up feeling like he’s going to die.*

Eridan: Shit Dirk has a lot of issues with the sun he burns so easily. I’m pale like him should I be having more trouble than this? Should I complain more?

 

Dirk: Shit man you’re incredible at swimming.

Eridan: H-Huh? Oh no! Haha I’m totally average at it!

Dirk: Shit man I better step up my swimming game fast.

 

Dirk: *Easy as Hell parkours up a building with gravity-defying acrobatics.*

Eridan: CAN ALL HUMANS DO THAT?!!?

 -

Also Roxy knows about both of them and is having THE TIME OF HER LIFE.

Eridan: Rox Rox you gotta help me hit on Dirk but like in a human way.

Roxy: Bite his neck that’s sexy.

Dirk: Roxy do you know a good date restaurant that doesn’t use a lot of garlic so I don’t break out in a rash?

Roxy: How about sushi?

know no better

Summary: Eggsy’s got a weakness - you. || Kingsman/Marvel au!crossover

Pairing: Eggsy Unwin x Reader, feat. Bucky Barnes

Warnings: Mentions of self-hatred, insecurity

Word Count: 2.7k [wow I am so sorry]

A/N: Inspired by Sebastian’s Hugo Boss campaign photos - Bucky Barnes and Eggsy Unwin together? Hell yeah. This is dedicated to my beloved soulmate Nicole. [@buckyywiththegoodhair] - happy birthday, again, my love. | masterlist



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Liberty and Justice (NSFW)

Eggsy Unwin x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Kingsman/Avengers AU - The Avengers are a branch of the Statesmen located in New York, Eggsy and Merlin have come to the states in search of Harry and you have been assigned to work with Eggsy to help find the man who may have kidnapped him causing Bucky (Sergeant) to get a little jealous.

Warnings: Smut

A/N: DONE! If there are any glaring grammatical errors just let me know and I’ll fix it in the morning. I’m too tired right now. I pulled these images off google to make this gif so I don’t know who the original artists are. If you do let me know and I’ll credit them. Glad I finally managed to write this because I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to do it at first but I’m (sort of) pleased with the result. Also, this is still a reader fic but because everyone in Kingsmen and Statesmen going by code names the reader and the Avengers go by code names. Just trust me on this.


“Are you fucking serious? I have to go back there?” Eggsy groaned, throwing a small tantrum.

“Yes Eggsy, you and I have to go back to see the Statesmen, they are the only ones who can help us find Harry.” Merlin sighed. “But don’t worry, we are going to see the New Yorkers this time, not the mid-westerners.”

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On My Mind

Requested by: me cause the thirst is real and our Collective Husband deserves our undying love

Prompt: #31 “I don’t hate you.” (Luke Alvez x Reader)

A/N: Guess who’s back in the CM fandom, peeps? :D Credit to @imagicana for helping me when I got stuck and for being amazing by reading it and making very useful comments. The whole Roxy thing was her idea! Thank you, dear! :)
Edit:
I forgot to add that the title also came from her :D
Requests are still closed, by the way!

I swear I tried to keep this short *sweats*

Warning: Season 12 spoilers ahead!


Originally posted by princediana


Garcia was complaining about your co-worker Luke again, or the Newbie, as she called him despite the fact that he had been part of the team for months now. She still kind of hated him because she felt he had taken Morgan’s place.

‘No one kicks doors down like my chocolate thunder,’ she told you from the couch one day after you asked her why she could not tolerate him. You had been hanging out together all afternoon during a rare yet peaceful Sunday.

‘You should at least try to be civil with him, you know?’ you advised, moving to the kitchen to refill your tea mugs as she tried to choose another movie to watch.

‘Why? He’s always trying to find ways to mock me,’ she tried to defend her behaviour.

‘That’s only because you mock him first,’ you replied as you came back and settled against the cushions. ‘You liked his dog, right? Roxy? At least try to bond with him over that.’

‘Maybe,’ Garcia said and brought an end to that conversation as she started gushing about some random actor.

Now, if you had the ability to travel back in time, you would probably go back to that exact moment and say something different.

Because in hindsight, telling your friend to bond with the guy you found mildly attractive and tried not to stare at all the time might be considered a mistake by some people. But, back then, you didn’t know that this infatuation was going to develop into anything else.

You couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when it happened. It was more of a gradual thing. The feelings grew with each passing day and new little quirk or endearing trait you discovered about him…

The way he smiled from across the room and waved at you in the mornings made your stomach flip. The way he stood in front of you when an UnSub got too close once (and then apologised because he didn’t want you to feel belittled by his overprotective nature) made you feel warm all over each time you remembered. The way he furrowed his eyebrows when he concentrated too hard on something made you want to reach out and smooth his handsome features.

It was all too much. You had troubles keeping a straight face and a blush from taking over your face whenever he complimented you on something you had done or how you had styled your hair that day. You thought, maybe, you stood a chance. All you needed to do was figure out if the things he told you were part of his personality, like Morgan’s constant stream of flirtatious comments, or if he actually liked you.

However, all your hope went down the drain and your heart sunk in your chest when you heard he and Garcia were on a first name basis now. You could not believe you had let yourself be fooled once more. It was the same feeling you got when you heard them starting to talk more comfortably to each other and again when Garcia showed you the little cat Luke had given her to cheer her up.

So one day, when you saw them chatting quietly in the hallway and laughing, you finally decided to step down. Your friendship with Garcia was a lot more important to you than some new guy. Even if he was the first person you were interested in after years of one-time dates that never led to anything.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and left the files you had been carrying in Garcia’s office. You got back to your desk and hoped that you didn’t get a case that day. You really just wanted to go home and wallow in self-pity in the comfort of your bed.

Thankfully, an hour later, with no case in sight, the team started getting ready to leave for the day while they chatted about their plans for the weekend. You discreetly grabbed your purse and made your way to the lift, trying not to bring any attention to yourself.

When the lift finally stopped in the parking lot, you almost ran straight to your car. You drove for a long while, willing your mind to calm down and accept the fact that you had never stood a chance, especially against Garcia. Feeling another wave of sadness hit you, you parked the car outside a coffee shop.

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