everyone talks about “did you put your name in the goblet of fire” being the worst book to movie dialogue fail but lets be real the worst is where hermione answers a question in class and snape calls her an “insufferable know-it-all” and in the book ron is furious and he goes OFF and says “you asked a question and she knows the answer! why ask if you don’t want to be told?” but in the movies they just make him say “he’s got a point, you know” and i’m still mad about it

an incomplete list of the batshit insane things hermione’s done

-prioritized her education over her life

-instantly became ride or die with harry after the troll incedent

-set snape on fire

-brewed an illegal potion for two months in the girls’ bathroom

-turned into a furry

-immediate thought upon encountering a giant murdersnake was ‘better make sure the others find this page on my helpless petrified body bc god knows they won’t figure it out themselves’

-wanted to take finals after like a month in a magical coma

-traveled through time to get even more homework

-figured out lupin was a werewolf and didn’t tell anyone because he was a relatively competent teacher compared to magic ryan seacrest and literal voldemort

-essentially snatched trelawney’s weave gotdamn

-slugged draco malfoy, terrified him and his hulking buddies into running, went back in time to watch it again

-confronted a werewolf and his alleged mass murderer friend because, again, ride or die

-broke time travel laws in order to jailbreak azkaban escapee and his pet hippogriff

-dated an international sports star

-put up with all the vile shit rita skeeter wrote about her

-joined secret order dedicated to fighting voldemort

-put up with harry’s shit

-imprisoned a woman in a jar for months, blackmailed her into doing what she wanted

-formed and organized secret defense class, peer pressured harry into leading it

-permanently disfigured the girl who ratted them out. snitches get stitches.

-manipulated the shit out of umbridge

-basically left her to rot in the forbidden forest

-went to fight death eaters with like six of her mates despite her misgivings (RIDE. OR. DIE.)

-immediately agreed to destroy the dark lord’s soul with her buddies despite not having any idea how (RIDE! OR! DIE!)

-mind wiped her parents and made them go to australia to keep them safe

-essentially singlehandedly kept harry and ron alive and functional for the majority of the deathly hallows

-wore the locket while still managing not to be a shithead

-got the shit tortured out of her by bellatrix lestrange. didn’t go insane.

-fought in the battle of hogwarts. didn’t die.

-was unfailingly loyal and did everything she could to keep harry safe for seven years, even when he was quite frankly being a jackass

Headcanon:

When Harry gets his first place after Hogwarts that actually has more than one floor, he comes home after getting a load of boxes to find Hermione using a sledgehammer on the drywall beneath the stairs. And Ron’s like, “Look, mate, I borrowed this stuff from my dad, I’ve got a DRILL and a - what’s it called again, Hermione?” “A stud finder.” “Right, one of those, and we’re going to fix your stairs.” Harry’s like, “But there’s nothing wrong with them.” “Yes, Harry, there is.” Harry’s just sort of standing there in total bewilderment while Hermione totally demolishes the wall. “We couldn’t have done that with magic?” “No, Harry, this is personal. You two take this mess out to the skip.” And then Harry stands around a while longer and Hermione puts in support beams in the appropriate places so the stairs don’t fall in, and Ron’s very excited about using the stud finder even though Hermione won’t let him use the drill. When they’re finished, Harry has this set of shelves. So he says, still completely confused, “I thought we picked this place because it had loads of storage.” And Hermione says, “Go get some of my books. I know it’s just shelves, but it’s not a bloody cupboard.”

And every time Harry moves for the rest of his life, Ron and Hermione are there on moving day and they knock out anything under the stairs, even if it’s just a wall. Hermione reads a lot of books. Ron learns to use a miter saw and a carpenter’s square and practices the nail hammering spell until he can do it perfectly on the first try. And sometimes it isn’t very practical but it looks nice…

And sometimes, when they all get older and have children, it’s cozy and has a purpose…

And eventually Hermione gets the trick of there being nothing under the stairs at all

Which is the story of how Harry Potter never lived in a house with a cupboard under the stairs again for the entire rest of his life.

  • hermione: rules are Very Important™
  • hermione: -sets teacher on fire-
  • hermione: have you checked the restricted section?
  • hermione: our only answer is polyjuice potion, brewed extremely illegally in the girls' bathroom. btw we have to steal the ingredients
  • hermione: we gonna fuCK time up, fuck what the ministry said, let's save a gd hippogriff and an escaped felon
  • hermione: -knitting hats- don't mind me, just tryna trick all the house elves into going free
  • hermione: -keeps a HUMAN BEING in a jar-
  • hermione: hey harry, u should lead us in a secret underground defense group. i'll make a sign up sheet. don't worry, it's hella cursed
  • hermione: oh, remember that human being animagus i captured? let's blackmail the shit out of her to get her to write an article for us
  • hermione: -uses confundus on mclaggen-
  • hermione: -obliviates her FUCKING PARENTS-
  • hermione: -runs away from school to fight the dark lord-
  • hermione: anyway, rules are Very Important™

So at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, Sirius says to Hermione, “You really are the brightest witch of your age,” with an emphasis on the “are,” implying that someone previously had told him that Hermione was super fucking smart and he was just then affirming it

But like, who told him that? He didn’t really get a chance to talk to Harry or Ron or Lupin between “I didn’t kill your parents” and “oh shit werewolf” and “I’m about to get the dementor’s kiss.”

So I like to think that it was Crookshanks who told him, coz Crookshanks and Padfoot were friends, right? I can imagine Crookshanks just going on and on about Hermione, like “My human is the best human, she’s so smart and lovely and perfect, just wait till you meet her, I love her so much”

- Draco scrubs the skin on his arm viciously every time he showers. The skin is always red and marked by scratches. He tries so hard to get the mark off of him. He wants to feel clean again.
- George can’t look in the mirror anymore. Not without remembering Fred. He smashes all mirrors in their home. He cuts his hair, he dyes it.
- Neville sees Nagini in his dreams. But in his dreams it reaches Ron and Hermione before he does.
- Harry has multiple wands all around his house hidden in places that only he knows. Beneath his pillow, beneath his bed, under the couch. Just in case.
- Hermione’s boggart is no longer failure.
- Draco and Blaise are afraid of fire.
- Someone accidentally calls George “Fred” once. No one knows who starts crying first.
- Headmistress Miverna Mcgonagall is fierce, powerful and kind. All first years are intimidated and amazed, she seems untouchable. However some nights she roams the school hallways and remembers every student she lost, every life that got taken away too soon, every soul that left them too early.
- Harry suddenly can’t stay in very small rooms. He feels trapped, his throat starts convulsing and his eyes sting.
- Hagrid still feels the weight of what he thought was Harry’s corpse in his hands. It haunts him.
- Hermione, Ron and Harry had gotten so used to spending months having one small meal per day that sometimes they forget they’re supposed to eat.
- Harry rolls in his sleep once and hits his forehead against the night stand on accident, when he wakes up with pain on his forehead his heart sinks and his whole body freezes. It isn’t until he sees the bruise that he’s able to calm down. Because Voldemort isn’t back.
- Ron dreams that he’s back in their tent, traveling and hiding, he’s changing the radio stations and he hears Ginny’s names as one of the victims.
- Molly always has “where’s Fred?” on the tip of her tongue, at all times.
- Harry spends the year post-war discovering who he is, what he loves, other than the Boy-who-lived and the Savior-of-the-Wizarding-World. Because there are things he never had time to think about, never had time to experiment, never had time to experience. Sometimes he wonders if coming back had been the right choice, because it hurt so bad on some days that he couldn’t take it.
- When Teddy is sad or scared and he’s crying, Harry tells him stories and shows him pictures of his parents, it’s then and only then that he calms down and his hair goes back to normal.
- Harry pulls back to himself when the date of his death nears every year, his friends do everything in their power to bring him out of it.
- Draco and Harry have talks about the war some nights, both saw what Voldemort was capable of, Harry in his dreams, Draco in his home. Both understand.
- Luna is quirkier and weirder than ever before. She always does everything in her power to lighten up the mood in the room when the silence is bitter and mournful. It’s like she can’t stop shifting and smiling and nervously twitching and saying random facts about things no one has heard of before. Everyone knows it’s her way of coping, of staying positive. So no one minds. It’s comforting.
- Harry gets the sudden desire to travel all over the world. Sometimes Ron and Hermione come with him, others he goes alone, once Neville joins him. Draco does too.
- Draco starts writing, he writes thousands of words on some nights and none on others. He’s good at it, too.
- Harry always, without fail, looks for Sirius’ constellation. He visits his grave too, tells him how things are going in his life, how he’s coping, how he isn’t.
- Hermione getting a tattoo of blooming pastel flowers on top of her “mudblood” scar, because she’s alive, many her friends are alive and she wants to remember that.

And maybe not all is well, maybe they have scars time cannot erase, but they’re together, their hearts are still beating, so it’ll be okay. They’re going to be okay.

Concept: a movie theater that only shows Harry Potter films. The movies will be in 4D. The temperature will drop when dementors are present. Fans will blow on you during quidditch scenes. Enticing smells will be pumped in during feast scenes but don’t worry about feeling hungry because the theater will serve Bertie Botts, treacle tart, drumsticks, butterbeer, chocolate frogs and those tiny little pies that Mrs. Weasley makes. Instead of loyalty cups, you get discounts if you wear a Weasley sweater.

Modern Hogwarts Houses' Stereotypes

Ravenclaw:
-only uses the blue heart emoji
-say they like bitter coffee but is actually a bitch for sweet caramelly cappuccinos
-tell everyone they sucked at a test but gets an A
-Twenty One Pilots
-probably bi
-weed

Hufflepuff:
-watches anime
-owns a small cactus
-messy hair
-Ed Sheeran
-“I’m discovering myself!”
-studyblr
-gets talked into trying weed by their Ravenclaw friend

Gryffindor:
-sports merch
-most likely straight
-tea
-dog person
-forgets to water their plants
-whatever’s on the radio
-“the best things in life aren’t things”

Slytherin:
-what’s “straight”??
-bitter coffee, caramelly pancakes
-tattoo
-owns a journal
-Beyoncé, Arctic Monkeys, Hayley Kiyoko
-black
-aesthetic

luna as a tattoo artist

just think about it:

- she gives ginny a stick and poke in their fourth year, the first tattoo she’s ever given anyone
- a tiny crescent moon on the inside of her forearm with magic color changing ink
- it tells ginny the weather, and glows when the weather is perfect for quidditch

- hagrid gleefully gets a tattoo from luna sometime in the fifth year
- on his inner ankle, a square of text tells him about the needs of the creatures around him
- he starts sitting with his ankle on his knee to more easily check it

- she gives harry a tattoo the summer before his eighth year
- a small horntail, but it moves from his chest to sit on his shoulder or cower in the crook of his elbow as it pleases
- it wakes him up from his bad dreams, and keeps him warm in the middle of the night

- she gives neville a tattoo before she was stolen into the malfoy’s manor
- it’s a ring encircling his middle finger
- the magic of it is simple, transforming into whatever word he needs to see most when he asks it

- seamus gets one not long after neville
- it’s a tiny bomb on his collar bone, ticking in time with dean’s heart

- hermione doesn’t want a tattoo at first, but as she grows closer with luna she asks for it very shyly in the middle of her eighth year
- it gently pulses with her heart on her shoulder blade, an hourglass on it’s side
- it will sometimes stand up and run sand, but only when hermione is very busy or stressed

- george asks for a tattoo that finishes his jokes, many years after the war, when he is an uncle and godfather
- luna refuses and instead gives him a non-magical tattoo, a china cup mended with gold over his heart

- draco, many years after luna is an established artist and healer, drops into her shop in diagon alley
- he asks her to fix his scar-slashed Mark, and she turns it into a sleeve of flowers, studded with snakes and turtles
- the flowers bloom with his moods, and shield him from hurting himself