Green Eggs and Ham



It’s Dr Seuss’s Birthday. So here is me reading Green Eggs and Ham for a charitable Good Cause.


(With my deepest apologies to Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss)

Can I kill my Uncle Claude?
Yes, I can, I can, by God!
I will kill my Uncle Claude!

Should I kill him in the house?
Should I kill him while he’s soused?
I could kill him here or there
I could kill him anywhere
Would I, could I, while he prays?
Kill him! Kill him! Wherefore stay?
I would not, could not, while he prays!

Not in the house, not when he’s soused,
Not with his sister, now his spouse!
Not while he prays, not while he feasts,
O, incestuous, adulterate beast!
I do not like my Uncle Claude,
I do not like that bloody bawd!

Say! In the dark? Here in the dark!
Would I, could I, in the dark?

Should I kill him in his bed?
Should I there strike off his head?
Kill him with his nightcap on?
Kill him when the churchyards yawn?
Should I kill him where he lies?
I will kill him, by and by!
I do not like my Uncle Claude,
I’ll kill him, i’ th’ name of God!

The play! The play! The play’s the thing!
The thing wherein I’ll catch the king!
No more ‘to be or not to be,’
I will kill him, you will see!

Kill him while he wears his crown
Kill him while his guard is down
Kill him with some poisoned wine
Kill him with this sword of mine
O, is the point envenomed, too?
I’m dead–Horatio, adieu!
But tell them, tell them, more or less,
Who it was that made this mess!

I did not like my Uncle Claude,
I killed him in the name of God!
Good friend, report my cause aright–
And now, goodnight goodnight goodnight!

When I read the Dr. Seuss’s book “Green Eggs and Ham” as a child, I thought without a doubt that the lesson was “don’t say that you don’t like food before you’ve even tried it” (which was actually the lesson) but as I’ve gotten older–I’ve gone back and re-read it again. And I’ve realized that there’s two kinds of people. People that think that the book is telling them not to say you don’t like something before you try it–and people who will think that if somebody doesn’t like what you like, then by all means– fucking hunt them down, break their souls and annoy the shit out of them until they conform and like what you like. And as I’ve gotten older I’m just like “What the FUCKS your damage Sam-I-Am?? Get the fuck off of that poor guy, let him have his opinions. He’s told you like–over 4 TIMES to leave him alone! Fuck you and your moldy ham and your expired eggs–!!”

  • Harry: *speaking to hedwig* Who am i hedwig, what am i...
  • *stands up, puffing up chest* I AM SAM, SAM I AM
  • Everybody dead or alive in the harry potter universe: GREEN EGGS AND HAM