GOD I HATE THOSE CONFLICTED FEELINGS

A Gay former Protestant Tells His Story, A Catholic Commentary in Bold Font

Before I continue, here’s a brief background on me. I grew up southern baptist,[PROTESTANT] attending church every Sunday and Wednesday from the ages of 6-22. During that time, I also completed 3 years of ministry school. Okay. I grew up as Protestant too, before I converted to Catholicism.

Another thing that you need to know about me is that I’m gay. I’m real gay. I have been gay for as long as I can remember, even before I had the vocabulary to let me express what it was that I was feeling. Okay, we are born with original sin. We are born with inclinations to do what is not right, so homosexuality falls into that category.

For a large part of my life I was also depressed and suicidal

(That is horrible, so was I, suicidal behavior is caused by deep suffering and longing for Love of God and the Love of others, like your Mother and Father and Siblings and Friends (I wonder how your relationships were with them or if you were sexually abused—that causes a lot of sexual confusion and suicidal ideation. I am sorry, I love you brother!) 

because I was taught throughout my entire life that everything that I was  and everything that I was experiencing was evil and that I would burn in hell for eternity because of the way I inherently was

See you were taught Protestant Theology. Protestants do not separate the sin from the sinner. They think they are one and the same. They are not. You are not a homosexual by identity. You are a man, first, and dearly Loved by Jesus. Your sins are not who you are. Your sins and struggles are not who you are. They are outside you and within you, a war in your very core. “It is who I felt like within” you say. But it was a deep part of why you were miserable. And you think happiness will be in homosexuality…but it’s shallow. You feel guilty, stressed out, depressed, and hated because there is a war within.  You are (a man and a child of God) and someone who you are not meant to be (a sinner and a man who wants to have sex with men). Those are in conflict since your youth. You knew it did not feel exactly right. It brought some satisfaction but then it also didn’t, because it goes against nature, procreation, the family, and life itself. You didn’t feel good about it NOT because of religion [Protestantism], but the natural law was against you.

I went to ministry school in an effort to “change” and “be healed of my homosexuality”. The only way that I was given an out is if I were to commit myself to celibacy, and being single for my entire life as the only acceptable alternative, and let me tell you that I am not called in any way to be a priest or a monk, and your own holy book states, “it is not good for man to be alone”.

Don’t twist scripture. It is not good for a man to be alone, but his only partner that is fit for him is a woman. She is his other half. They fit naturally together. They create life and a family. If God made in the garden of Eden (which is a simple logical creation story, with deep spiritual significance)…. SO IF GOD MADE  two men in the garden….we all know how that would have turned out. They both would have died of old age…nothing would be made. The world cannot exist in the natural order on the backs of homosexuals.

Since ministry school wasn’t “erasing the gay”, and I was living in Kansas City, MO at the time, I decided over the weekend that I would go to a local gay conversion ministry, Exodus International, on Monday morning to talk about beginning their program. Monday morning rolled around & I checked my email. Guess what was there?
An email announcing the closure of Exodus International because they felt that sexuality could not be changed.
This wrecked my world - for a time.
I picked myself up by my bootstraps and decided to move on with life, quitting ministry school, and beginning to pursue what I really wanted out of my career and life.
 

That is your story.

Since I have left the church, I am much healthier mentally, and physically. I also live with less guilt, condemnation, and depression than I did when I was in the church. I am, however, still living with the mental, emotional, and spiritual damage that was done during that time.

You did not learn about the real Love of Jesus for you. Even as a homosexual God cares for you. He still loves you. He still wants you to leave it all and make a sacrifice of your life, and all you are, and live the Gospel. 

He still wants you to care for others, your family, your friends, stay away from sin, feed the poor, sit with the lonely, listen to people…be good. I am sad that you missed your opportunity to be saved of the homosexual lifestyle and show others how to live not for yourself and what you want, but what Jesus wants from you.

He wants you to do more things than give up a boyfriend. Jesus, who is God, wants to talk to you, be your friend, do good in His name, do works of charity in His name….have you neglected to do even that much for Jesus?

Yes giving up living with men, kissing men, doing all kinds of things with men is the right thing to do, but have you given up doing other kinds of evil? Do you still curse people, do you steal? Think hateful thoughts? Do you encourage others to do wrong things? Do you drink or use drugs too much? Do you spend too much money on yourself and not think about others? Do you prevent yourself and others from getting diseases? think you are better than religious people for being gay? Think you are better than me, a fellow Christian? Do you give your time to others generously?

If you can’t sacrifice your sexuality, because you need to be gay. That is something so vital in your life. That community is so important to you. That lifestyle is so fulfilling. Than what else can you do for Jesus?

On the last day Jesus will ask you….What did you do for others? How did you Love God? How did you love me? Why did you stop knowing Me? Why didn’t you do this or that? Why did you cause this pain on others? Why were you mean to my children? Why did you fight against Me, I was always waiting for you, and you never came back?

I think it’s interesting seeing certain criticisms that have been floating around the fandom for certain characters, just because of how those criticisms are presented. They seem to use overall/player perspective rather than game/PC perspective, just from the wording. I can be completely wrong about how these criticisms are for some people; but just from the ones I’ve seen, worded as they are, they use a very metagame mindset.

Such as Morrigan:

Criticism: Why did Bioware make Morrigan so superior, prideful, and condescending?

Morrigan has always been prideful and condescending, dare we look at how she treated Alistair, Zevran, and Wynne all throughout Origins. This isn’t new and it is very Morrigan, the one truth I personally see in this criticism is that she is more forceful in her belief she is right. But you can also go back in Origin and see enough of it to be possible, such as when questioned on her mage training and/or demons. She knows best. Rather Inquisition is different, because her condescending attitude is turned on us. The Inquisitor is the one facing her patronizing attitude and it’s not as funny now, is it? Which considering Morrigan goes from a friend to a stranger can attribute a lot to the jarring change of the perspective.

Bianca is a good one too:

Criticism: How dare she threaten the Inquisitor, she is the one who brought this on Varric!

Except, she is looking out for a friend, giant mistake or not. The Inquisitor doesn’t have to like it, but it’s a valid reaction. Cassandra brought Varric into the Inquisition (indirectly) and yet she is shipped with him, in canon they gain a mutual, if tense respect of one another. Hawke dragged Varric into a lot of things, if romancing Anders, more than Varric even likes; but if Hawke dared threaten anyone it’d be take more of a heroic than “bad writing”. Bianca is no less that Hawke to Varric.

The list goes on and on (which even Vivienne could be added if really picked apart), but the similarity between most of them is that these are instances when the Inquisitor is made powerless. For once in the series, the Inquisitor doesn’t have the chance to befriend or fight back against these people. These are people who don’t want nor care for a relationship with the Inquisitor and circumstances where violence is hardly the answer, after all do you really think punching Bianca in front of Varric would do wonders for your alliances and friendship? It’s distressing of course, especially since it has never been implemented before (at least to this length). The Warden could slay almost anyone who turned their nose up to them and Hawke could talk their way out of most conflicts. But the Inquisitor? Sometimes they are forced to just walk away and it’s unsurprising, but also intriguing that those characters and instances are some of the most hated in the game that people feel they are unnecessary.

Except I like them, they do take power away from the Inquisitor. The Inquisitor who is worshipped almost like a God themselves, whose become immeasurably powerful in such a short time no matter where they come from. The Inquisitor who can sway mountains and bend the Fade, yet in the end it was a surface-paragon who threatened to take their eyes that knocked them down a peg.

anonymous asked:

What do you think of klayley? Do you think they'd make sense together? Do you think they have chemistry?

Oh lord. You might want to sit the fuck down and get yourself a glass of water, because this is something I have not even begun to rant on. In short. No. Hell no. Fuck no with a side of get it away from me and a sprinkling of let me claw my own eyeballs out of my head on top. Klayley is by far the most fucked up, viscerally disturbing and nonsensical ship in the history of TVD and TO. Every single aspect of their one night together felt so awkwardly contrived and made no sense for the characters of the narrative at large. Not to mention they were an absolute black hole of chemistry (and as a JoMo fangirl who has watched literally all of his work I can say without a doubt that he has never had chemistry with anyone that was more awful than his chemistry is with PT). 

And no, no way in hell would they make sense together. I can’t even make sense of the fact that they’ve managed to go this long without trying to murder each other. People make a lot out of the ways in which their characters parallel each other. And their characters do parallel each other, in every single way that would make them mortal enemies. I mean really, they’re both self-absorbed, violent, narcissistic, paranoid lunatics. And what is to me the complete nail in the Klayley coffin is that they’re two people who are fundamentally incapable of empathizing with other people. Klaus has spent his entire existence as a vampire trying to eradicate his human empathy, because he sees empathy as weakness and his ultimate obsession in life is to feel powerful. And Hayley has repeatedly demonstrated that she has trouble with relating to people and understanding their feelings, probably because (if her varying backstories are remotely truthful) she never learned how to form attachments to people in her childhood and therefore literally doesn’t know how to relate to bond with or even understand other people. And two people who aren’t capable or willing to relate to others are going to have a pretty difficult time maintaining a relationship, romantic or otherwise.

But even pushing that aside, even if Klaus and Hayley had everything in the world in common Klaus would still hate Hayley. Hayley would literally trigger every negative emotion within Klaus just based on what she represents to him. I mean, Klaus is terrified of losing control of things and he got Hayley freaking pregnant. And seriously this is not my Hayley hate speaking, Klaus has said this in the show, Hayley was basically a disposable object to Klaus that he can’t dispose of now. To not only have her get pregnant “without his consent”, but for her to be a werewolf, an aspect of Klaus that has made him so conflicted throughout his life, for her to be such an unexceptional person when Klaus sees himself as a near demi-god, he would absolutely hate her on those grounds alone. He would feel (and has expressed this feeling on more than one occasion as well) that he was somehow forced into this situation that was not of his choosing, and we all know how well Klaus reacts when someone forces his hand. And for fucks sake, we’re talking about a man who murdered his own mother and who’s mother has spent the last millennium trying to murder him. Having Hayley shoehorned into his life in this way would just detonate that massive misogynistic mommy issues bomb that has grown inside Klaus for his entire life, and without question I think he would kill Hayley because of it. I mean he never trusts anyone, he especially doesn’t trust women, and he would kill her just to prevent her from screwing him over and out of some warped idea of protecting his child in the way that he wasn’t protected. Hayley is a complete physical representation of everything that Klaus hates and fears, and there is no way that their relationship could result in anything other than Klaus killing her.

The one positive thing I can say about Klayley, though, is it’s given me something to be unequivocally and absolutely Team Hayley on. My ultimate issue with Klayley’s relationship thus far isn’t that it doesn’t make sense and is OOC, it’s that it’s actually one of the most fucked up portrayals of any kind of relationship I’ve ever seen. The fact that the narrative normalizes Klaus’ physical, emotional, and psychological abuse of Hayley in the way that it does is profoundly upsetting to me. One of the clearest and most consistent messages of the story line of TO is that Hayley’s physical safety and life are not as important as Klaus’ emotional state. To think that there is actually a story like this playing out on a TV show aimed at young women is one of the scariest things I’ve seen in modern media. And I see some people saying that Hayley and Klaus should be together because Hayley accepts Klaus for who he is instead of trying to change him. And my only response to this is are YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!?!?! In what world could Hayley’s acceptance of that kind of treatment be considered a positive goddamn attribute of that relationship. Violence isn’t romantic. Sacrificing yourself to fix someone else isn’t romantic. And I sure as hell hate Hayley from sunup to sundown but I will never ever be comfortable watching this kind of dynamic play out. Every single thing about it is terrible, and if the writers are smart they’ll never explore Klaus and Hayley’s romantic relationship again.