Frustration

I’m so frustrated with people saying trans masc individuals all have male privilege because we might adopt the body language associated with masculine individuals in society.

You know why some of us do that? So qe can PASS and not get violently misgendered. Fuck, I had a breakdown last week because I just can’t comfortably mimic male body language and it terrified me.

If anything that’s not only sexist but cissexist. Like come on guys. Body language doesn’t fucking make you a gender. Stop trying to put trans people into labels to justify your hatred of a specific group of trans individuals.

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with
another, and regardless of how much you blame him/her; it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.
—  Wayne W. Dyer
Sleep Talk [Dan]

Title: Sleep Talk [Dan]

Summary: Dan and Phil chat for a bit at 3:27am, but only one of them is actually conscious. (Sleeping!Dan, Grumpy!Phil)

Relationship: Phan

Characters / Pairing: Dan Howell, Phil Lester

Word Count: 763 (short ‘n sweet, my dildo-muffins)

Warnings: M/M, swearing (it’s 3:00am give Phil a break), sleep talking (dans cute lmao), some (cute) grumpy Phil, sleep-deprivation, a very confused and disturbed Dan, frustration, if you have an issue with mail this really isn’t for you (idk some people have very specific problems), annoyance, humour (pfffffffffffffftt nah), FLUFFITY FLUFFY FLUFF, establishedrelationship yo

Or the one where Phil doesn’t want to talk about the mail. (it doesnt make sense now but youll see hahahhhahah) #establishedrelationship

**

It’s unusual that Phil is up later than Dan, but tonight’s just one of those nights where sleep refuses to dawn on him.

It’s been taunting him too; he’s tired as fuck but he can’t seem to settle down and sleep.

He gave up a few minutes ago, just laying on his back - eyes open - with a completely knocked out Dan on his chest.

Speaking of Dan, the man has his cheek pressed just below Phil’s collarbones, his features totally slack and his lips parted just enough to have breath flutter out from between them.

Phil strokes a gentle finger down Dan’s belly, basking in the silence of Dan’s room. All that can be heard is Dan’s steady breathing, complemented by the hint of snoring that Dan always denies he has.

After a few more minutes, Phil feels the traces of sleep begin to weigh his body down.

He subconsciously pulls Dan closer into him and his eyes slowly droop shut…

“Mmfph.”

Phil peeks an eye open to see Dan’s eyebrows scrunching, his face pulling into one of discomfort. He shifts a little on Phil’s chest, the heat of his position making Phil want to squirm.

He resists this urge, instead bringing a tired hand up to Dan’s hair and slowly massaging his scalp, hoping that will help calm his sleeping partner.

“Fffff… Don’t put- Phil.” Dan groans, a sleepy but unmistakable tone of annoyance in his voice.

Phil - too tired to laugh at Dan’s unusual sleep talking - just shushes his boyfriend softly, soothing him. “Shhh Dan, go to sleep.”

Dan squirms a little, his nose pressing uncomfortably into Phil’s ribcage. “Clooooooose the cupboards behind you, twat.” Dan slurs, the movement of his body creating even more heat.

Phil almost has to kick the duvet off.

“The cupboards aren’t open. Go to sleep.

It’s silent for a moment.

Phil’s body starts to relax back into the mattress again when-

“Wait, waht'er you- nah!” Dan crows, thrashing to the side abruptly and succeeding in smacking Phil in the left eye with a flailing arm.

Phil hisses and clutches for his eye, a long groan escaping him at Dan’s sudden hostility and garbled nonsense. “Dan!”

What the hell is Dan dreaming about?

Dan stills momentarily as Phil nurses his injury, not used to violence at 3:27am.

There’s quiet again and Phil can’t help but get his hopes up.

Slowly, his eyes droop shut…

“Mmm- Philllll, can you grab the mail?”

Fuck.

“Dan, it’s 3:34 in the morning; there is no mail. Go to sleep.”

“Th'postman is here.” Dan argues.

“No he’s not.” Phil sighs in annoyance. “Please go to sleep.”

“But-”

“Sleep.”

“I-”

Sleep.

“Mail’s still sitting th- love you.”

With a long, exasperated release of breath, Phil guides Dan closer into his body. “I love you too, Dan. But - I’m begging you - please go to sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

And with that, a silence falls over Dan’s room once more.

**

It’s 7:42am when Phil wakes up.

He’s running off of three and a half hours of sleep (considering it took him another half hour to fall asleep after Dan’s last comment) as he stumbles down the hall and to the table, following the smell of pancakes.

Dan glances over his shoulder from the stove as Phil trudges in sleepily. “Morning.”

Phil just grumbles, dropping his head into his arms on the table.

“Don’t need to be rude.” Dan jokes lightly, snickering to himself.

Phil - oddly enough - does not find this funny.

He’s pulled out of a temporary sleeping state when Dan places two plates on the table.

Phil jumps, startled, and Dan chuckles. “No sleep, huh?”

A low grunt is his only response.

Yes, Phil is grumpy. But - to be fair - he didn’t even get four hours of sleep because of a stupid argument over the mail.

There’s a comfortable quiet at the table as they eat before Dan slowly speaks up. “I think the mail came in this morning. After breakfast, could you go down and grab i-”

Phil’s head shoots up and Dan recoils, almost falling off of his chair. “Jesus Christ, Phil! What’s gotten into you today?”

“I do not want to discuss the mail with you again.” Phil warns.

Dan just stares at him in bewilderment and confusion. “We never-”

“We did! Last night.”

“Phil, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Phil stares at Dan long and hard, but Dan’s baffled expression doesn’t change.

He really doesn’t remember.

With a heavy puff, Phil gets up and stalks downstairs to retrieve the mail.

**

it’s finding everything
you never imagined you could feel,
everything you’ve dreamed
could ever be real;
it’s discovering the place
you never knew existed,
where beauty collides with grace
and darkness becomes distant;
it’s being completely lost
in the best thing that’s ever found you,
where two paths crossed
and this light came rushing through;
it’s holding hope in your hands
as it ardently smiles back at you,
knowing there is no place else
you’d rather be,
the feel of your pulse
fulfilling me,
entirely.

it’s finding something
too good to be true,
something i can never truly have
but still pursue,
still worth the madness
of loving you.

Since the summer started, I haven’t really seen one of my good friends that often. He was never really on the thin side, but he was never really that heavy either. I saw him this week for the first time in over a month, and it’s very obvious that he’s been eating much more than usual.

We’d chat over meals together, and while I’m fairly heavy myself and usually am a huge feedee (I can put away an entire pizza without feeling full at all), that guy packed away much more than I did. He blushed when I mentioned it, but then went on to brag about how much he could eat. It took everything in me not to stare at his gut that was making his poor shirt strain.

For lunch one day, we got some Tex Mex. I had a large amount of rice, and he ate 6 large tacos (with all the trimmings) in less than 10 minutes on top of a side of rice. Again, I’m usually very into the feedee role, but seeing him like this has made me more interested in the other side. Seeing as he likes to eat and I like to watch, I might have to pop the question sometime before he pops a button on his pants without my help. Maybe he could return the favor afterwards.

How to Relax Using Crystals

After a long day, in the middle of a difficult day, before you go to sleep, or before you start your day, it is an excellent idea to put aside ten-twenty minutes to heal your nerves and ease your mind. Whether it’s stress, migraines, a racing heartbeat, or worried thoughts - there are crystals that can help you overcome what you are feeling. When you lose your relaxed state, you lose your control. When you lose your control, you give up your power and strength to ego. Sometimes it’s hard not to lose your control and your peace of mind. To reenter the state of relaxation and control, however, is easy. 

For Headaches: 



Amethyst, Sodalite, and Lapis Lazuli are my favorite crystals to use for headaches and migraines. There are two quick ways to relieve headaches using one of these three crystals. If you are able to lie down for ten minutes, simply lay comfortably with your arms flat to your sides. Place the crystal of your choice on your forehead (or on your third eye chakra) or hold it in your hands. Close your eyes and take deep breaths - in through your nose, out through your mouth. Your focus should remain on your breathing and on the warm, vibrating energy of the crystal’s contact with your skin. Inhale positive energy, exhale negativity. Inhale peace, exhale stress and worry. Inhale serenity, exhale pain. If you are unable to lie down, simply sit with straight posture and do the same. 

For Grounding: 



When the feeling that you are losing all control strikes, you are in dire need of grounding. Some other symptoms include feeling tired or drained, overstimulated and jittery, feeling floaty, misplacing things or being clumsy, feeling like you are stuck in an out of body experience, or not being able to keep track of important things or conversations. Some excellent crystals to use to solve this problem are Smokey Quartz, Black Tourmaline, or Kyanite. Feeling like you are not grounded comes from your root and earth star chakras. Your root chakra is located at the base of your spine and your earth star chakras are located at your feet. The best way to ground yourself and gain back your control is to stand barefoot - especially outside in the grass if you are able to - and hold the smokey quartz in your hand. The way you should be standing is known as “Tadasana” for yogi’s. This pose is powerful to practice because it is a helpful way to regain power within itself. You stand tall with your feet apart and arms next to you with your palms facing outward. Wear or hold the crystal you are using. This will center you spiritually and ground you with the Earth. If you are unable to go outside or stand, you can sit upright with your feet touching the floor and take deep breaths holding the crystal you are using. Imagine what is below you - the floor, the grass, the dirt, the earth, all the way deep down to Earth’s oldest layers. Now picture the energy from those oldest layers all the way up sending life and vitality all the way up from your toes, through your body, and beaming out of your crown chakra into the sky and then to the galaxy. You are one with the Earth. You are safe. Everything you need is provided for you. 


For Frustration: 



Frustration can be painful - when everything around you is not going as you wish it would. This type of feeling can be caused by people, work, life at home, etc. Some great crystals to use for this are labradorite, moonstone, and lepidolite. Labradorite and Moonstone are especially good for when people bring you down. These are two crystals that protect against energy vampires and will raise you to your higher consciousness - allowing only light and wisdom in and out. Lepidolite is better for stressful situations you may be faced with because it eases transitions. All three of these crystals are excellent stress relievers. The best way to use them is to sit or lie down holding them in your hand. Breathe deeply. Think of what is stressing you out. Channel this into the crystal you are holding and allow the crystal to channel it’s energies into you. Remind yourself that other people and events are beyond your control and you should not allow those types of things to frustrate you. Affirm that everything has a way of working itself out. Allow the light of the piece of Earth you are holding to wash away your worries and restore you with the positive, calm energy you need. 



For Worry and Panic: 

Blue Calcite, Carnelian, Amethyst, Rose Quartz, Blue Lace Agate, and Aquamarine are the best crystals to use to relax during this kind of trouble. Worry and panic originate in the mind, and can easily be fixed by a change in thought. However, it is very difficult to retrieve thoughts once they slip into the egoic realm of negativity. After the mind is dominated by negativity, other parts of the body can very easily be altered and brought into a terrible state. Blue Calcite can specifically be used to relax the mind and the heart rate. Carnelian is best use to calm scattered thoughts or brain chatter that is not benefiting you and to keep your mind focused on proper action that needs to be taken. Amethyst and Rose Quartz can be used to relieve the mind of negative, worried thoughts and bring your heart and spirit back to a peaceful state. Blue Lace Agate and Aquamarine can be used to relax the mind and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. When you realize you are beginning to worry and panic, and it is too late to create a positive reality for yourself - try this technique. 

No matter where you are or what you are doing, hold one of the crystals listed above in your hand and focus on it. For this kind of problem, it is not necessary to be seated, lying down, or standing - though it may help to physically be relaxed. Close your eyes and bring your attention to the crystal in your hands. Breathe in and out deeply as you feel the crystal vibrate in your hands. Feel the warmth of the crystal spread through your hands. Let the energy of the crystal wipe away any worry in you heart or in your mind. Remind yourself that you are safe, happy, and healthy. 


Okay making it clear.

I NOWHERE near hate Aj’s character. I think his storyline is brilliant and actually I really like the thing between him Brandon and Mike because it shows how fucking broke Mike’s and Brandon’s relationship is and how Brandon isn’t actually as cool and he seems to be with Mike’s distance of him. Also I LOVE the police/past storyline his character has.

I just fucking hate his relationship with Callie. Like I swear to everything on my blood is not because of Brallie at all.

Is because wHY IS HIS CHARACTER DISMINISH INTO BEING YET ANOTHER LOVE INTEREST

WHY ARE THE WRITER PORTRAYING CALLIE AS SOMEONE WHO CANT CONTROL HER HORMONES FOR SHIT AND SOMEONE WHO APPARENTLY MAKES EVERY SINGLE FUCKING GUY OF HER AGE INSTANTLY WANTING TO MAKE OUT WITH HER??

wHy

WHY CANT BOYS AND GIRLS BE JUST FRIENDS AND THATS NOT EVEN JUST CALLIE AND AJ BUT LITERALLY THE SAME ISSUE WITH MARIANA AND ALL THE BOYS IN HER LIFE. ALSO JESUS LIKE OH MAN DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED THERE. AND IM GONNA SIT HERE AND WAIT FOR KAT TO BECOME A LOVE INTEREST BECAUSE THE SAME HAPPENS WITH BRANDON

JUDE ONLY EVER HAD ONE FRIEND, WHO LATER BECAME HIS BOYFRIEND. THE ONLY GIRL FRIEND LENA HAS HAD HAD TO FUCKING KISSED HER

CANR PEOPLE JUST BE FUCKINF FRIENDS ON THIS TV SHOW LIKE IT WENT FROM BEINF A FAMILY DRAMA TO BEING AN ALL HORMONES DRAMA IM SCREAMING

Frustrating Experience in an LGBTQ+ place last night ...

Last night I was in Vancouver with my girlfriend and our friend and we decided to go Little Sisters since he’d never been there. I like going there sometimes because they now carry some packers, binders, packing underwear, etc. and it’s pretty hard to find a brick-and-mortar with those products. 

I was trying to check out the Packit Lite! since I’d yet to look at one in person and was curious as to how it looks and feels in real life. This person who fits the super alternative queer model comes in and looks at me with judgey eyes and scoffs a bit. They called over one of the guys who works there and they both looked at me rudely and then just physically cornered me out of the section. So I went over and looked at the binder section and I saw the person starting at me again and rolling their eyes. 

They thought I was a cis guy who was just curious or making fun or some shit. Like really? I hate how some people think they’re so accepting and all that but still obviously think that they can tell if someone is trans or not. That is so messed up. I’m also pretty sure this person was a drag king from the conversation they were having. So in their mind, as a drag king, they had more of a right to took at packers that they were using for a performance than I had a right just because I didn’t look “trans” enough. 

Pretty unimpressed.