Frozen-Drinks

lordoftheonion-rings  asked:

I had a guy today look me in the eyes and say he didn’t want any coffee syrup in his frozen drink and I asked if he was sure and he said yes. Later he came back mad because there was no coffee in it. He complained to my manager and I told her that he said no and he yelled that he never said that

Bar Knowledge: Glassware.

You can’t serve an Old fashioned in a coupette glass and you can’t serve a Mojito in a margarita glass. Don’t be an ass, and know you glass. Here is a list of the glassware you have or should have in the bar you work in or your own home bar. Let’s start with the basics…

  • 1. Martini Glass- Used to serve drinks straight up without ice. Most common would be a Martini where the name comes from or the Manhattan.
  • 2. Margarita Glass- A glass stylized like an upside down sombrero should only be used to serve the margarita or any type of margarita variation and nothing else.
  • 3. Pint Glass- Beer and Beer/Cider based mixed drinks. example Black velvet, shandy or Black’n’Tans.
  • 4. Rocks Glass/ Old-Fashioned- Used to serve liquor like good quality vodka or whisk(e)y, and cocktails with ice or neat. Examples of different drinks that go into a rocks glass: Negroni, Old Fashioned, Margarita on the rocks, Sazerac (Neat).
  • 5. Shot Glass- The name itself says it. Used for shots! I imagine everyone knows this and at this point I’m just covering basics for the sake of it.
  • 6. Highball Glass- Used to serve long drinks, aka spirit and mixers, aka highball drinks. Examples are: Screw Driver, Cuba Libre, G&T.
  • 7. Collins Glass- Slightly shorter and wider than the Highball glass, this one is used to serve a good Collins, Fizz, or Rickey.
  • 8. Brandy/ Cognac Glass- Used to serve Brandy/Cognac. Just make sure to swirl hot water inside it before pouring in the spirit. It should be served in a hot glass.
  • 9. Wine Glass- There are different types for white or red wine but this is the standard everyone should be familiar with.
  • 10. Champagne Flute- Used to drink sparkly wine, champagne or serve the following cocktails: French 75, Champagne cocktail.
  • 11. Hurricane Glass- For blended frozen drinks and exotic drinks.
  • 12. Irish Coffee Glass- Thick Glass with a handle used for hot drinks such as the Irish Coffee, Hot Toddy or Hot Buttered Rum.
  • 13. Coupe Glass- The coupette is another great glass with a stem used for ‘straight up’ cocktails like the martini glass. I like to use this one for cocktails containing egg whites.
  • 14. Grappa Glass- Used to enjoy Italian grappa.
  • 15. Absinthe Glass- Thick and beautifully designed glasses used to drink Absinthe. Served with the iconic Absinthe spoon for the sugar.
  • 16. Tiki Glass- There are many types of these glasses around and this is just one of them. They are ceramic and usually depict imagery from Melanesia, Micronesia or Polynesia. They are especially used for ‘Tiki’ style exotic cocktails based on rum blends and fruit juices.
  • 17.  Buck Mug- Copper mugs used for Buck style cocktails, the most famous being the Moscow Mule.
  • 18. Julep Cup- Iconic metal cup used only for the Kentucky Mint Julep.
  • 19. Sour Glass- These are not used that much anymore, but they were the official ‘Sour’ glass for sour style cocktails.
  • 20. Tasting Glass- Used by spirit connoisseur’s for tasting fine Scotch or Gin for example. 

    If you enjoyed this article share it with people and hit that like button! Also if you have any questions or want to share your thoughts please comment below. - UM. Thanks guys!

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🍵Boba Tea🍵 

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🍓Frozen Strawberry Margarita🍓 

I wonder if Oswald spends his evenings sitting in front of Frozen!Ed, drinking a glass of wine and just talking about his day. Sometimes he even pauses after a sentence to wait if there’ll be an answer.

Of course there isn’t one.

But sometimes Oswald can almost imagine hearing Ed’s voice. Often after he’s had a little too much wine and he’s starting to get tired.

And when he does, it’s suddenly all too easy to remember everything because these walls he’s built up aren’t as resilient as he wishes they’d be.

He remembers the scent of Ed’s aftershave and the comforting warmth of Ed’s body pressed against his during their many embraces. And when he does, his heart starts beating faster, just like it had back then. 

Guide to Smoking Meth-WITH TORCH LIGHTER

Originally posted by meditateandhallucinate


Why A Torch Lighter Is Ideal:-Your product liquifies, then smokes, almost instantly
-It is MUCH easier to control the direction the meth flows, as well as what is receiving heat
-You can get MUCH bigger hits
-You can avoid burning it so much easier than with other flames
-No flickering flame
-Butane refills are cheap as fucking shit (I got a hairspray-sized bottle of Zippo butane for the price of 2 disposable lighters)
-Don’t burn your thumb as much
-Sessions can be initiated and/or finished faster

Downsides-If you don’t pay attention, you can burn the shit out of your product, or yourself. BE CAREFUL, PAY ATTENTION, AND BE PATIENT
-Smoke through your stash quicker
-Possibly worse burns because its hotter than a bic


How to smoke meth with torch lighter for beginners:
1)First ensure that your pipe is clean.

Why?
For the ice to smoke properly. DO NOT load fresh product in a pipe with product that has been smoked, burned, or otherwise heated. If you load fresh on top of a still smokable bowl, the new and old will melt/smoke at different speeds/temperatures (can’t remember which is which right now, but I think old smokes faster), ensuing that it is very difficult to evenly heat the product. Then you get spots where part of the crystalized mass liquifies and will move with the flame, but some of it needs more heat, and for me at least, some always gets burned or darkened, and has a bad taste. If you load fresh product in a pipe with burnt shit in there, IT WILL TASTE LIKE SHIT. It will often also not melt/smoke right, AND your new stuff will taste like burnt stuff, which is THE WORST taste in the world (IM0). (FYI-I’ve heard that blowing cigarette smoke through a oil pipe (like you were going to hit it, but exhaling smoke through it instead) removes the taste. I have tried with pot smoke and it didn’t work, but have read many people say that cigarettes work.

How to Clean the Inside of A Pipe-If it is not clean, a very easy method is to fill a microwavable container (like a coffee mug) with 50% water, 50% bleach, and put the pipe (bowl facing downwards) in the water.
-Put it in the microwave for 4 minutes (yes, seriously that long-I tried after 1, 2, and 3 minutes and it didn’t work. May even take 5.)
-Let cool. Once cooled, remove from mug and drain all water.
-Using Q-tips, insert through carb hole and “mop up” the stuff left in the bowl. This may take several qtips depending on the bowl. If there is still black/brown stuff in the bowl, apply more pressure
(be careful not to break the bowl by pressing the q tip too hard on the sphere, OR accidentally pressing on the side of the carb when trying to reach around inside with q tip.) If there is still stuff in there, I have read that small bits of Magic Eraser stuffed in, and manipulated with a pole (like a q tip) work wonders, but also have not tried.

How to Clean the Outside of a PiPE
-Using a wet rag, or balled-up wet paper towels/toilet paper/napkins/etc, rub the outside of the bowl. This should cause the stuff on the outside to transfer onto the paper.
-If this doesn’t work, steel wool may work.

Handling/Prepping Product

-Dont handle meth by hand. It’s bad for your skin, and little amounts will dissolve. Instead, use:
Ideally: a 7/11 straw (this is a straw whose last inch or so is a scoop, sometimes used for slurpees or w/e those frozen drinks are; these straws I have found to be ideal for handling all sorts of drugs).
Realistically: Normal Straw: Straw been sealed on one end (tape, seal it with flame), and on the other has a 45 degree angle (45 degree is diagonal; if you cut a square in half diagonally, the diagonal line is 45). This allows you to scoop small fragments out of a bag, tin, or other carrying device easily, as the angled mouth scoops up crumbs, especially in corners of bags; while the sealed back prevents any from accidentally spilling.

Size/Shape
-Make sure your product is all of the same consistency. I find it best to use one crystal, preferably large (but not to large). I find the size of a tic tac, or slightly larger, to be ideal. Also, cubic or rectangular is best possible shape IME. I will often break long, skinny crystals because they dont burn as well as more square ones, and broken into small squares, they will smoke more evenly.
-While you can load bigger crystals with smaller bits/shake, I generally find it is best to load similar sized rocks. That is, load all shake, load two or three crystals of equal size, or put one crystal in there (usually a big one).
-If you need to break a crystal into smaller bits to make equal sized crystals (or to make odd shaped crystal more square), place a sanitary, nonabsorbent material on top of/around the crystal (no dollars bills here, printer paper works great.) and either snap it in two, or push against a surface. If pressing, you can use a finger, debit card, whatever, just slowly apply more pressure so you can crush to consistency of your liking. If you crush it all the way, you have shake(aka powder).

Differences Between Methods
Single Crystal (often large): Crystal will slowly lose mass as it melts, evenly becoming a pool (as long as you thoroughly spread it around the bowl).
Multiple Little Ones: If you evenly heat them: Will slowly melt into each other. Will be left with a very spread-out puddle, possibly multiple spread out ones.
If unevenly heated: There will be areas meth of varying thickness, accompanied by uneven melting and probable darkening/burning,.
Shake: Will liquify very quickly; little bits that haven’t yet been heated may go to weird parts of the bowl when you begin twisting, so you end up with tiny blotches and a single large or a few smaller puddles.

Loading Product
-Using straw, scoop your product into the chamber. Keeping upright, grab oil pipe and tilt at an angle so that the carb is pointing sideways, or angled down slightly. This will allow you to insert straw opening into carb before tipping the straw, ensuring you don’t miss the hole and lose any.
-Once inserted, twist pipe (while holding onto straw of course) until carb is once again pointing up. Tap straw to get all the little bits into the pipe (if meth is still sticking, use a scraper of some kind).
-Remove straw, and put pipe on level surface, BETWEEN TWO OBJECTS. THE PIPE WILL ROLL PEOPLE, AND WILL SPILL ALL YOUR GODDAMN PRODUCT AND/OR FALL ON THE FLOOR AND BREAK. UGH!

Now that you have a loaded pipe, ensure that you are ready to begin. Suggestions include
-Water
(lots of it!!) Both meth and smoking dehydrate you, and the more dehydrated you are, the more you will suffer from dental damage and brain damage (neurotoxicity). A large amount of methamphetamine neurotoxicity (and most dopamine toxicity) is temperature-dependent, as it often induces hyperthermia (This is similar to MDMA, aka XTC, Molly, rolls, etc). Water cools your body.
You should be urinating with irritating frequency, and should be voiding clear urine, otherwise you are already dehydrated (unless taking assloads of vitamins or something).
-Music
I can’t even describe how much music enhances the experience of smoking meth. It synergizes well-the meth makes the music sound insane, and in turn the music intensifies the high, making me feel even more intelligent/strong/attractive/cool/special. This is the part of the high I crave, and it rarely occurs (at least with the intensity I like) without music.
-Spare lighter/butane refill
When smoking meth, you are always running out of fuel. The spare lighter is also useful because lighters get really hot when ignited for long periods of time (like when smoking meth) and you can swap them out.
-Wet (but not sopping) rag or bundled tissues/paper towels/toilet paper/etc
This is to set the pipe on when not using it (a hot pipe will burn fabrics, fucking up whatever its on as well as the pipe), and to cool down the pipe after a hit. The pipe stays hot for a while, and if you don’t hit it, drugs are being lost/wasted. If you cool the pipe, it will stop heating the drugs faster (duh). Do not do this immediately after getting the pipe really hot-heat and cold on glass can break it. Wait for it to cool slightly, then use it.
When you use the rag to cool underneath liquified dope, it will emit a lot of smoke while crystalizing I read somewhere that the meth actually vaporizes/produces smoke when it hits cooler surface, but I don’t know the validity of that. I do know that cold makes it smoke more though.
-Salt Water
Swishing and gargling salt water while smoking meth (ie after a hit, and definitely after a session) will help prevent canker sores, help kill bacteria (which will inhibit meth mouth) clear mucus in back of throat (which will build up from smoking ice, and may possibly absorb some of it), and prevent sore throat. Its really easy-just add table salt to water (not too much). Some people say to use hot water, but there is more bacteria in hot water pipes, so I use cold.
-Biotene Products
These are oral healthcare products designed to combat dry mouth. There is an oral gel that you kind of spread in your mouth and coats it to act like a artificial saliva. It tastes kinda bad (not awful) and feels weird, but it beats dry/cracking skin, and is good for oral health. They also make alcohol-free (alcohol makes dry mouth worse) mouthwash that I find makes me produce a bnch of saliva for like 10-30 minutes, which can be helpful. They have toothpaste, but that is only to not irritate dry mouth. Finally, they have oral mouthspray, which is apparently the best, but I have not tried yet.
-Weed
Weed makes meth smoking more fun I find. Its hard to describe. Go slow as you may have negative anxiety reaction


Positioning:

The pipe will need to be twisted back and forth, so for me, I hold it in the middle of the stem between my middle finger and thumb. This allows me to easily roll the pipe back and forth. The carb is facing the sky/ceiling, and I have the pipe slanted, so the bowl is slightly closer to the floor than the mouthpiece. This allows me to put my index finger over the mouthpiece. so that when I first heat up the bowl all the initial smoke (that you will not yet inhale because it is not super thick and you want to build up a good hit) goes up the stem and is trapped by my finger rather than out through the little carb hole (which it will do when the stem is filled with smoke). Finally, it also allows me to use my pinky to cover the carb (I rarely do this because often the carb is hot).

Lighter

[Torch] Lighter is held in the other hand, underneath the dope in the bowl. Adjust your flame to lowest setting (if you can). While initially hitting the bowl, since your mouth is not on the mouthpiece, you can hold the pipe in front of you while you heat to gaug distance between flame and bowl, and make sure the flame is under the drugs. However, once you begin inhaling, you have a much worse view (through the bowl), and it is easy to hold the lighter too close (or far, but usually close), or to have it not even under the bowl. Due to poor depth perception (which I assume is from the drugs), or some visual warping from the curvature of the glass, its really easy to do this, and happens a lot. A mirror is helpful so you can see yourself. Another option is attaching flexible tubing (like aquarium tubing) to the mouthpiece so you can inhale through that while holding the pipe in front of you. This will also enable you to make meth bongs (search it).

Philosophy of Smoking Meth
Meth becomes a clear liquid when heated, then vaporizes into a white smoke. The idea is to heat whatever you placei n the pipe evenly so that it all melts down to liquid, then, by twisting the pipe, spread the liquid all around the bowl, so that it doesn’t stay in a hot place for too long and burn. Once liquified, the pipe can be twisted. This allows you to put your flame ahead of the liquid (think of the liquid chasing the flame), so that once the glass is heated, it will fall/roll down the curve towards your lighter and smoke. As you get close carb, you begin to twist the other way, keeping the liquid following your flame. However, with a torch lighter, you can soon twist the pipe without the flame and the liquid will still run for a while, and when it doesn’t is when you reapply the flame.

Quick Info On Torch Lighters
Torch lighters are very hot, much hotter than bics. Their flame is much more intense, and the heat above is much hotter than a bic. Therefore, you must keep much more distance between your lighter and pipe than with a bic. It will vary according to lighter type, pipe thickness, and especially flame size; but my flame is maybe between 1/3 and ½ of an inch, and my lighter stays 1-3 inches away from the pipe; with me increasing distance the longer its lit.
-Also, you do not heat the bowl with a torch lighter for long periods of time like you do a bic. Once it begins to smoke, quit using the lighter, and only reapply once the liquid quits moving when you twist the pipe. Also, be sure to twist pipe while lighting the whole time with a torch lighter, even if it is slowly. You cannot really get away with heating in one spot for a short period of time like you can with a bic.


Smoking

Premelt:
-Keeping your flame 1-2 inches below the bowl, roll flame in a circle around the perimeter of your product, so the outermost portion begins to liquify. Remember to continue moving the flame.
-As it begins to liquify, begin twisting the pipe back and forth. You want to heat the edges of the product and then the glass adjacent to the edges to make it flow there. However, when reversing the direction of the twist, make sure to heat the inside/middle for a moment as well so that it will melt once the dope bordering it has melted.
-Eventually you will have a puddle of liquid that is mobile-stop heating! COntinue to twist the pipe to spread the stuff around and wait for it to recrystalize (turn back into a liquid). You can speed this up by touching pipe with damp rag/paper towels/etc, but I like to let it cool by itself the first time. Wait for the pipe to cool down-its worth it.

Smoking
(this is assuming you are covering the mouthpiece and have the pipe angled like I mentioned in positioning)
-Now you should have a thin puddle of clear crystals stuff. Once again, heat with flame around the perimeter (much bigger this time, but it will also melt faster now because its thinner). Once melted, it should soon begin to smoke. Cease lighting once it begins smoking a fair bit and continue to twist.
-Because you have your finger over the mouthpiece and the pipe angled, the hot vapor will travel up the stem, and be trapped. Once vapor begins to emerge out of the carb hole, quickly take your finger off the stem and begin inhaling (do this quick because the stem is filled with vapor).
To Inhale:
You do not need to actually suck most of the time. With the pipe angled, simply forming a seal on the mouthpiece is usually enough, and if you have to inhale, do not suck like smoking. Instead, inhale like you are breathing but VERY slowly/softly. It takes very little pressure and the bigger hit you get, the better IMO.
Reheating
Use the torch for very brief periods of time. Once the liquid is moving and smoking agian, stop. You can also use more, but never use less once its burned.
Finishing your hit:
If your lungs are full and it is still smoking, cover the carb and mouthpiece and continue twisting. I like to hold my hits for 4-8 seconds, some say blow out right away, but I dont like that. You can also use a damp rag or damp paper towels/toilet paper/napkins/etc and wipe the bowl, to cool it down and make the liquid recrystalize faster (dont do this when the bowl is still super hot because it can break it). This will make it smoke a lot for a second so I like to do it while inhaling.

For Experienced Users:I have found the torch lighter to be far superior to the bic. With the bic, I would experience uneven and slow heating/melting. Now, I have almost instantaneous liquification, followed by thick smoke, and as long as I use the torch sparingly, no darkening of product. The trick is to be patient and methodical:
-Use the torch 1-3 inches away from the bowl
-Move it quickly
-“Encourage” the liquid to trael all over the bowl by leading it with the flame
-Use inward swirling movements, especially during the melting phase
-I recommend using single, squareish crystals for this.

i am a certified Chinese Person™ here to help you with conversational Chinese because people in China are less likely to try to rip you off if you can speak the language. If anyone more fluent in Chinese than I am wants to make corrections or add on, feel free to do so!

  • 咖啡店 -  kā fēi , diàn
  • 茶店 - chá diàn - tea shop
  • 咖啡 - kā fēi - coffee
  • 茶 - chá - tea
  • 冰茶 - bīng chá - iced tea
  • 绿茶 - lü chá  - green tea 
    • tip: use v to type ü when using pinyin on an american keyboard
  • 黑茶 - hēi chá - black tea
  • 珍珠奶茶 - zhēn zhū nǎi chá - pearl milk tea/boba tea/bubble tea
  • 水 - shuǐ - water
  • 可乐 - kě lè - (not really cafe related) coca cola
  • 大/中/小 dà/zhōng/xiǎo- large/medium/small
  • (牛) 奶 - (níu) nǎi - milk
    • the word  牛 is not always necessary unless you want to specify that it is cow’s milk, not a different dairy product
  • (蜂) 蜜 - fēng mì - honey 
    • the word  蜂 is not always necessary unless you want to specify that it is honey from a bee
  • 糖 - táng - sugar
  • 杯子 - bēi zi - cup
  • 勺子 - sháo zi - spoon
  • 餐巾纸 - cān jīn zhǐ - napkin
  • 桌子 - zhuō zi - table
  • 椅子 - yǐ zi - chair
  • 热 or 烫 - rè or tàng - both mean hot
  • 凉 - liáng - cold
    • 冷 (lěng) also means cold but is usually not used when referring to food unless it’s frozen
  • 喝 - hē - drink
  • 渴 - kě - thirsty
    • those two characters look really similar right? you can remember it because you drink with your mouth and  喝 has a 口 (mouth) in it, and when you’re thirsty you want water so  渴 has the water side thing (sorry I don’t know the English word for it)
  • 请 - qǐng - please
  • 对不起 - duì bu qǐ - excuse me, sorry

if all else fails…

  • 我不会说中文 - wǒ bu huì shuō zhōng wén - I don’t know how to speak Chinese
  • 我不懂中文 - wǒ bu dǒng zhōng wén - I don’t understand Chinese
  • 我不会中文 - wǒ bu huì zhōng wén - I don’t know Chinese

Been having me a think about what would happen if Present Odinson and Classic Thor ever met up

I mean, 616 Odinson and Marvel Adventures or Thor: The Mighty Avenger-flavor Thor

And discussed their Lokis. Like

Odinson: “I hate my brother. So much. So fucking much.”

Classic Thor: “Aye, truly the God of Evil is a vexing sibling. What ills has yours thrust upon you, Odinson? Just last week mine turned me into a frog, dropped the Avengers Tower into a black hole, and set fire to the state of Utah.”

Odinson: “Mine killed a child.”

Classic Thor: “Hel. What child was that?”

Odinson: “Himself.”

Classic Thor: “…pardon?”

Odinson: “Well not–not him him. His better self.”

Classic Thor: ?

Odinson: “I made him.”

Classic Thor: ??

Odinson: “The first one died trying to stop Asgard from dying. It was his own fault though.”

Classic Thor: “Verily?”

Odinson: “Very verily. But I missed him so I, you know, brought him back. But smaller and better. But it turns out that that Loki was killed and usurped by a copy of the other Loki–”

Classic Thor: “The one you were trying to bring back?”

Odinson: “Not precisely, no, but as good as. Body-snatching bastard.”

Classic Thor: “Quite loathsome. And what foul works did he use this scheme for?”

Odinson: “…he worked for our mother. And then reunited us with our sister. And freed our father from a pocket dimension prison.”

Classic Thor: “Oh. To what end?”

Odinson: “To trick us all!”

Classic Thor: “Indeed. But surely if this is the same God of Evil there must have been some more profane result.”

Odinson: “There probably was. But he was caught out and revealed.”

Classic Thor: “Ah. Then he sought revenge, aye?”

Odinson: “He stabbed our mother.”

Classic Thor: “He killed her!?”

Odinson: “Not yet, but near enough. She is poisoned.”

Classic Thor: “Poison.”

Odinson: “Yes.”

Classic Thor: “Loki used poison.”

Odinson: “I just said–”

Classic Thor: “And did not kill her.”

Odinson: “I don’t see what–”

Classic Thor: “Loki, God of Evil, used a poisoned blade upon a goddess and did not use enough poison for a killing blow.”

Odinson: “Not liking your tone, Thor.”

Classic Thor: “Forgive me, Odinson, I am unfamiliar in this dimension. Pray, where is the villain now?”

Odinson: “There.”

-smash cut to Loki in an apartment, wearing only horns, slippers, and sweatpants, ironing Doctor Strange’s Cloak of Levitation, watching Animal Planet with a mortal girl who has -10 qualms about being alone in the room with him-

Classic Thor: ???

Odinson: “…It’s an off day for him.”

Classic Thor: “Of course. Well, Odinson, I see you are truly vexed and in need of relief from that vile menace.”

-smash cut to Loki scrolling through their phone, liking Snapchat shots of Squirrel Girl, Ms. Marvel, America and Kate, an engagement photo of Billy and Teddy-

Classic Thor: “So I shall endeavor to ease your burden.”

Odinson: “My thanks to you, Thor, but I mean to wring that snake’s neck myselwhattheHelisthis.”

Classic Thor: “A trade. My Loki for your Loki. Here hold this.”

-Classic Loki is hot-potatoed to Odinson-

Classic Thor: “You are wise to the ways of this god, Odinson, and, being that I still have my hammer, I shall surely have no trouble with whatever Loki yours is. The one partaking of the frozen caffeinated drink outside yonder cafe. I have that taken care of now.”

Odinson: “Wait, that isn’t–”

Classic Thor, with the God of Stories under one arm: “I bid thee farewell”

Odinson: “The Hel are you–”

Classic Thor, punting the God of Stories through the Rift in Dimensions: “Can’t hear you”

Odinson: “Get back here you fucking–”

Classic Thor, from inside the Rift: “No refunds good luck Odin bless you goodbye”

-smash cut to Classic Loki beating Odinson over the head with the latter’s own metal arm-

lucky number

your first real boyfriend is two inches shorter than you. he smells like mountain dew and hair gel and wears a black and red sweatband around his left wrist. he kisses you in his parents’ garage on the fourth of july with the lights turned off and the hard plastic shell of an xbox controller digging into your spine. your shorts stick to your thighs when you stand up again. his best friend punches him in the shoulder. laughs. calls you “matt’s girl” while you’re watching fireworks, but never actually says your name.

your second boyfriend is older. two years, maybe three; he’s as vague about his birthday as he is about the other girls you’ve seen him talking to. he tells you he was born in switzerland. you buy him an $80 jacket for christmas. he makes jokes about oral sex that you don’t understand until he offers you a practical demonstration. he undoes the clasp on your bra with one hand. you get your first bikini wax. he teaches you how to say “i love you” in german. you meet his parents. after you break up, he shows his friends pictures of you in your underwear. you keep in touch.

your third boyfriend falls in love with you at first sight. he talks to you for hours about nothing; about everything; about what his plans are for your future together. you order a panini on your first date. he always makes his bed before anyone comes over. he uses terms of endearments like they’re easy. like they’re platitudes. like they’re weapons. he lies to you. you lie to yourself. he gives you a tiffany necklace for your eighteenth birthday with his own initials engraved on the attached silver pendant. your friends coo about how romantic he is. he follows you to college. you let him.

your fourth boyfriend is your fifth boyfriend is your sixth boyfriend. they blur together; fade into one long string of mistakes. you hook up with your kickboxing instructor in a grimy bar bathroom. you eat vegetarian pizza in a stranger’s backyard. you feed your roommate’s ball python a frozen mouse. you stop drinking malibu, start wearing lipstick, and have phone sex with someone else’s husband. no one offers you forever. you don’t care. you don’t.

Your seventh boyfriend–