Uncle Popeye Fucks Up Hunting So Bad Legislation Happens
(Gun use, alcohol mention, amazingly- no animal death)
So you may remember Uncle Popeye from A Holiday Story, when he and grandpa tried to shoot a pheasant and fucked it up real bad. I called the Ohio Relatives. They have no idea how the family knew Popeye either, but that his given name was Richard, but got tired of being called “Dick” and after losing an eye in WW2, went by Popeye.
Look man, Ohio DOES things to people.
Popeye fancied himself the Great Outdoors-man, despite a long list of evidence to the contrary- besides the shooting incident, there was the time he got lost in the woods behind his house for a week despite being less than a mile from his house and six major roads, the time he almost poisoned the whole family after mushrooming in the hills only to be stopped by GG, and the time he got in a fight with a Woodcock and Lost.
The worst though, was Snowflake.
Near where my Ohio relatives lived, and continue to live, there is a Military Armory. (You know that joke about “If all your relatives all live in the same postcode, you might be a redneck?” Yeah, check that. Mom was the first to leave the state, and keeps urging the others that they are free to leave, they can’t keep you there. But I digress). The armory is actually kind of a large campus, several hundred acres in size, where they take lots of old munitions and aircraft and whatnot, and figure out how to take apart and dispose of them without blowing everything up to fuck. The whole area is fenced off to keep the locals from helping themselves to the munitions (A serious issue in redneck country), which trapped the deer in the forest inside.
The deer, no longer having to worry about hunters, but cut off from the outside population, basically went full Deliverance, and the resulting mutants are… rather pretty.
The mutation is Luecistism, not albinism, but it makes for pretty, pretty very stupid deer. Like, even dumber than white-tail already are, and whitetail are DUMB. But the deer on the armory could afford to be easy to spot and have no natural fear of anything, because there were no predators or hunters, and the soldiers stationed there had better things to do
The prettiest of them all was Snowflake, the large white buck named Snowflake, because soldiers are great at naming things. He was, by all accounts, a truly splendid creature- snow-white and shapely, with a well-developed rack. Not unlike a porn star, apparently. And many a man Lusted after snowflake, desperate for his head.
Or other things. Ohio’s a pretty fucked up place.
But unlike other men, who would only stare wistfully from afar, Popeye was absolutely determined to have Snowflake. The issue was, the military, having a few moments of sense, had decreed that having people wandering around a munitions decommissioning plant with firearms was likely to result in fire and death, declared that there was to be no hunting on their grounds. The only way Popeye could feasibly shoot Snowflake would be if he were somehow able to get him on the other side of the fence. But he couldn’t just cut a hole in the fence- it was fairly regularly checked, and he’d be caught. Nope. Somehow, Popeye had to get Snowflake on the other side of the fence without damaging it or the Military noticing.
It was during an afternoon of boozing and watching western documentaries, Popeye hit upon a solution. He was watching a tourism promotion for all the great outdoor activities in Colorado, when he saw the solution to his problem.
He could FISH for deer.
Specifically, he fly-fish. In his mind, he could clearly see how it would play out. he’d simply find a heavy-duty line, cast it over the fence, tangling it in Snowflake’s antlers, and then reel him over the fence, where it would be perfectly legal to shoot him and then he’d be the envy of all the men down at the elks lodge. Hah! Genius!
So that spring, Popeye began tossing corn over the fence to lure deer to that particular secluded corner, and was immensely pleased when Snowflake started turning up regularly. He’d get his trophy AND some fat venison! All summer and into fall, he continued this, with the deer getting entirely too casual about his presence. he also got his hands on some deep-sea fishing line and practiced ensnaring the antlers of his dummy deer in the backyard. Just to make sure he had the leverage to haul Snowflake in, he got the harness that attaches the pole to your hip. All was going according to plan.
So the first day of hunting season, Popeye goes to his corner where he’s been feeding the deer, and Snowflake is there, waiting for breakfast. Great. Popeye backs his pickup truck up to the fence, and stands on the bed so he can cast over the fence. The deer, being imbeciles, fail to notice anything amiss. He casts, and miracle of miracles, he gets the loop over Snowflake’s antlers on the first try! Popeye whips the line around some more, making sure Snowflake is good and tangled, before reeling him in.
Apparently snowflake just stood there for this part, presumably looking confused. Then the line began to pull on him.
As Popeye would later recount from the hospital: “That’s when I realized. Deer ain’t Mackinaw.”
Popeye had, in all his planning, not taken into consideration that a 200-pound buck at the height of his testosterone-riddled rut might be somewhat disinclined to be pulled over a fence. Furthermore, Popeye had failed to account that at 5′5″, he was of similar size to the deer, and in nowhere near as good of shape.
He recalled ALMOST flying over the fence as Snowlfake turned and ran for the safety of the base. He did not quite make it, and cracked both knees as they slammed into the fence, jeans and harness shredding on the barbed wire. it was not enough to separate him from the harness, only enough to slide it down his legs and tangle around his ankles, so that once he hit the ground, Popeye was dragged for half a goddamn mile by his feet as Snowflake frantically tried to get away.
Once at the base, and all manner of bruised, cut up and abused, Popeye was relieved when they finally came to a halt. he regretted it half a second later when he realized that Snowflake had only turned around, and was now bearing down on his sorry ass full-tilt. Several puncture and kick wounds later, Popeye managed to kick off the harness, freeing himself from Snowflake, and had to run back to where he thought he’d left the truck. In the middle of the night, in the woods, with cracked patellas and without pants.
It took him all night to find the fence and truck, but managed to get back over the fence and to the hospital without being spotted. In a fit of paranoia that almost pased for good sense, he drove to three counties away to be treated, so the police wouldn’t find him, bleeding all the way. He neglected beforehand, to tell any of his friends or family where he was going, except that he was deer-hunting.
He was very disappointed when he turned up a week later and found out nobody had gone looking for him.
Snowflake was found tangled up in a tree, and was cut loose by the soldiers, apparently upset but unharmed. Concerned that the poachers were getting too creative for their own good, the base petitioned the state legislature to maybe make a law that you aren’t allowed to fish for deer, Christ, we only found the poor man’s pants.
The state legislature, in a fit of rabid libertarianism, declared that such a law would be too restrictive upon the freedom of Ohioans, so the Army tried the country. The county, which had to actually deal with this kind of bullshit on a semi-regular basis, agreed, and it is now illegal to Hunt any bird, fish or quadruped with devices and equipment not intended for such purpose.
Popeye never went deer-hunting after that, and Snowflake went on to sire many many more pretty inbred deer.
When James parents died they left him their whole estate, but Godric’s Hollow was special, it was him and Lily’s wedding gift and the charming, secluded hamlet suited them just fine, so that is where the newly-weds decided to live.
It soon transpired that James had no clue how to furnish a house, and so Lily and Sirius teamed up to make this place a home.
Lily started with the sitting room, buying two enormous comfy sofas that could swallow you whole as you curled up and read a book from the equally enormous antique bookcase she bought and filled, with Remus’ help.
Sirius bought an entire stores worth of kitchenware, because if there is one thing he had learnt from his days cooking with the house elves, it was that you never knew what you were going to need.
‘What even is a turkey thermometer and why do I own one?’ ‘Shut up Prongs you didn’t know what a baking tray was until two days ago.’
Lily also purchased an assortment of flowers which she placed on every bare surface of the house, adding splashes of colour all over the place.
Peter, who was quite allergic to pollen, couldn’t stop sneezing wherever he went.
‘I fell attacked in my own home!’ ‘Pete, you don’t live here.’
Sirius and Remus are very big on the whole matching sets thing, and so came the his and her loofahs, his and her sink, his and her arm chair by the fireplace. Sirius even bought a ‘Mr & Mrs calendar collection’. Remus reassured a panicking James that Sirius had done the same thing with their apartment.
James and Lily spending an entire weekend painting bedroom walls a specific shade of cream that James had picked (Lily couldn’t tell the difference between three identical shades of cream, but James had been persistent that each one had a different ‘aura’)
James accidentally swinging his arm around and wiping a huge line of paint across Lily’s face in the process.
‘Potter!’ ‘Oh god, I’m so sorry babe I didn’t mean-’
Lily’s paint brush crashing not-so-accidentally into James face.
The next 15 minutes being a paint war between the two as the cover each other in more paint than is one the walls, laughing hysterically and it ending in a paint soaked kiss on the floor.
Three weeks of hard work later and the house is finished. It is finally a place the Potters and sometimes Sirius can call home. They can relax and focus on fighting a war.
And then Lily gets pregnant.
And the quiet life in Godrics Hollow has to prepare to become a lot noisier.
But no one is complaining (well Sirius is a little bit because he is usually the centre of attention, but Moony shuts him up.)
James is freaking out because raise a baby? In this house? In this war?
Lily is like husband, calm yourself, here have one of these 8 different parenting books Remus and I have been reading.
Sirius makes it his personal task in life to design the perfect nursery for this kid, and so seals himself semi-permanently in the second bedroom to work on it. No one is allowed in until it is finished.
Peter goes out and buys a pram and a high-chair, James and Lily really appreciated the gesture, they hadn’t been seeing enough of Peter recently.
Remus buys a collection of children’s books that he wants to read to the newborn, he has been saying all this time he would be terrible with a child, but everyone can tell he is secretly over the moon with excitement.
Lily is the first one to begin child-proofing, when she moves the knife block into high cupboard one day, and James is confused so he asks what child-proofing actually is.
James Potter becoming obsessed with child proofing.
I mean he finds every single corner in the house, I mean every. single. one., and places a foam buffer on it. He hides every mildly sharp object from scissors to hairbrushes.
‘Really James?’ ‘Lily, you don’t understand, what if it poked it’s eye out with it by accident?!’ ‘…’
He buys a safety gate for the stairs, he buys locks for the toilets seats, he replaces the flower vases with plastic ones, he buys cushions for the dining chairs, he throws out the food processor and tries to throw away the toaster, but Remus eventually takes matters into his own hands and stops the rampage.
Then, one month before the baby is born, Sirius unveils his nursery.
He’s hand painted all the furniture, from the crib to the tiny bookcase, each in there own individual pastel colour.
He has put a mobile over the crib, its of the solar system, and its charmed to also show the phases of the moon. He also added in Sirius the star as an extra orbit.
There is a fully stocked changing table in one corner and a full chest of drawers in the other.
But the real showstopper what he painted on one of the walls.
Its a kind of mural. Of a Forrest full of trees and plants with a small clearing at the centre. Walking into the clearing is a large black dog accompanied by a equally large grey wolf with a small rat hurrying along between their feet. Lying down nuzzled together in the middle of the clearing however, is a stag and doe, dozing peacefully, curled around a small fawn that lies in between them.
The Marauders, Completed. I written above the image.
James has tears in his eyes as he hugs his brother, he is so grateful.
Then Harry is born and the house comes alive with life and joy and the Potters pour their love into their son.
Remus and Sirius would come over almost every day to play with Harry, Peter would join them as well sometimes and the laughter would carry on through the night as the small house vibrated with happiness.
Then the prophecy happened.
Remus and Sirius couldn’t come over any more, neither could Peter.
The house seemed to dull slowly as the absence of the men took it’s toll.
The flowers wilted as Lily couldn’t go out to buy her favourite fertiliser anymore, and James broke the stair gate one day by accident, but couldn’t go out to buy a replacement.
A certain darkness seemed to want to creep into the house as James and Lily’s greatest project and comfort, had become their prison.
But, as always, the couple took this in their stride, determined for this to make them stronger rather than weaker, if not for themselves then for Harry, who mattered more to them than anyone else.
Lily dried and pressed the wilted flowers to make decorations for the walls, and James used the kitchen tools Sirius had bought to craft a new gate for the stairs.
They focused their energy on Harry, who although couldn’t go out to the park, go still be zoomed around the house by James with a small levitating spell, or slide down the stairs with a mattress on Lily’s lap, or fall asleep to one of Remus’ stories in a pillow fort his parents had built him.
And whenever James was missing Sirius more then usual, or Lily was wishing Remus was here to make hot chocolate for them all, they could look at that mural on the wall and know that, one day, everything would be okay.
Because although their world was crashing down, Lily and James Potter loved each other enough to build themselves a new one.
Until one dark night on Halloween, after a day of carving pumpkins no one else would see and eating candy they couldn’t give to other children, Harry Potter lost everything. Because the home his parents had so loving built, was blown apart by someone who could not love. He lost the big sofas you could sink into, and the industrial amount of kitchen utensils. He lost a baby gate and foam corners. He lost a master bedroom that still had hand prints on the walls from where his parents has played. He lost bundles of calendars made for years to come. He lost a collection of books selected just for him to enjoy. He lost two people who sacrificed everything they could, just to keep him safe. And when that curse rebounded, everything in its path was destroyed.
And in its path was a mural, of a little Forrest somewhere, with a black dog, a wolf, a rat and and family of deer, all looking with love at the little fawn below.
I got my copies of @fefamilyzine in which I participated! Here are previews of my art, since other artists are posting theirs too~
Corrin’s Northern Fortress retainers (who I consider a part of their family. I don’t see why they would be any less important to Corrin when it comes to family, since they grew up with them!) and Corrin & Joker family, with the female Kana being born after the war~
Everyone’s art looks so great and they’re so heartwarming that I wanna geek out on every single one of them. I love FE Awakening & Fates families! The charms and stickers came out super nice too~!!
I hope people who purchased the zine will enjoy it as much as I do! Great job everyone and a big thank you for putting everything together, Sie~!♥
(+I got 4 copies of everything because I ordered 3 more on top of my artist copy. Just making it clear!)
So, if it hasn't been asked, tell me about ShikaTema. /asks you on the therapy couch with a Freudian accent and nerdy glasses
*puts hands behind head, stares up at water spot on the ceiling, sighs*
Well doc, it’s like this…
What Kishimoto and Studio Pierrot have done to Temari in the ending is a fucking travesty, let me tell you that to begin with.
Basically all of Temari’s personal character arc gets punted away completely (and as a minor female character, she didn’t have enough to begin with) and she is turned into Shikamaru’s mother-wife. She hits him, she nags him, she scolds him, she sends him to bed without dinner, people!!!!
Temari never gets to be as truly frightening as she should be. There are beautiful little hints of it, but her battle record in particular is: –masterfully defeats Tenten (a female)……. which isn’t shown on panel in the manga –gets completely taken apart by Shikamaru (shown in every little detail) –gets beaten pretty quickly by Sasuke –rescues Shikamaru and kills Tayuya (a female) –doesn’t get to do anything meaningful to save Gaara –despite being a jounin and Shikamaru being a chuunin, Shikamaru is made proxy head of the 4th division –fails against the Third Raikage so Naruto can bail them out –doesn’t get a scene with Rasa –doesn’t do anything memorable in the rest of the war
Sooo… she’s only allowed to succeed if she’s fighting another woman, basically, and both of those were in part one. We’re shown just enough that we can see how awesome she could be.
Moreover, when I think about Chiyo’s remark about the “teachings of the Sand” in relation to how Sasori’s mind was poisoned and twisted, I think a lot about Temari and how she narrowly avoided a very similar fate. Here’s a quick reminder of how Temari reacted when Gaara decided to kill the two ninja who had already handed over their scroll and begged him to spare their lives:
Coupled with her scorn of Shikamaru’s tears and her questioning of why he hadn’t undergone “emotion training”, it manages with only a few brushstrokes to paint the picture of a young woman who is nearly completely desensitized to violence and merciless, with a hint of sadism or schadenfreude potential. But she veers away from this course after seeing the remarkable change in her brother Gaara under Naruto’s principles rather than her father Rasa’s treatment, and with seeing how her father Rasa’s “village over people” philosophy ended with Rasa’s corpse rotting on the ground. (Good riddance to bad trash.)
Sparks always flew between her and Shikamaru. I love relationships where both parties have something to teach each other. Temari had self-discipline, intelligence, motivation, but she needed help with learning to trust and attach again. On the other side, Shikamaru had a relatively tranquil by ninja-standards childhood and easy, deep attachments to his teammates, friends, family, deer. (Shut up, the deer totally count.) He did need a touch of coldness and level-headedness, and of course, motivation.
The whole scene where Temari comes across Shikamaru upset over losing his comrades and she just doesn’t get it, but she wants to get it at some level, even then. It’s part of a turning point for not only Temari but Suna as a whole, and it should have been part of how Konoha, despite its many flaws in execution, really was trying to get somewhere better than the ninja world had had before, and that through Naruto’s help, the shinobi system was going to get reformed. That no more children were going to be turned into tools, valued only for their ability to kill for money, broken long before they die.
Gimme a minute, doc, I’m a bit verklempt.
Anyway. They’re a side couple in a battle manga, so I don’t need a huge amount of on-page/screen development in canon. I just need what is there not to be patently horrible. And unfortunately Studio Pierrot decided to make endgame canon ShikaTema into this:
If you’ll remember that Temari wanted most is for people to respect her and listen to her advice, then this whole scene between Temari and her husband and son is like a twisted nightmare version of that. Temari isn’t a respected, admired giver of advice, she’s not a partner, she’s not a warm nurturer, or a shrewd guide. She’s a hassle, a drag, the old ball and chain, the old lady, no-fun, shrill, shrew, a nagging misogynist parody of why men don’t want to get married. She doesn’t have anything actually of value to add; all she can do is refuse to perform her womanly duty of cooking them meals, or hit them.
It’s fucking sad is what it is. But writing this post helped me remember what I loved about their potential.
Becoming canon is the worst thing that can happen to a Naruto ship, doc.