There is NOTHING as magnificently human as killing and eating your own food. NOTHING. Not even space flight (which is still wicked fucking awesome but that is a topic for another food blogue: SPACE FOOD which will be forthcoming). There is nothing quite as rejuvenating as using a speargun to shoot a deer through the eyes and then tearing meat off it and spitting its own blood back in its face while it slowly dawns on the dying animal the nature of its own mortality. It’s quite the laugh riot and is a must perform act for all carnivores. Thankfully you don’t have to murder and taunt your own deer, the artifice of capitalism has created an excellent division of labour system that allows you to insert money at one end and receive pre-packaged meatgoods at the other. This blogue is not about field-murdering your own timid-game, no it is about the ultimate ways to prepare and consume that ultimate of food - meat.
A slight digression: the previous food blogue on power drinks was incredibly well received and some may say “dan isn’t this in direct contradiction with your attacks on the nature of chewing and eating, surely meat is the anti power-drink to which I say that was like a week ago jesus christ gerard stop emailing me”. It is true meat is the anti power drink but it is also the ultimate power food - vegans and vegetarians (both of whom are suspicious for other reasons not just because they don’t like to spit bambi’s mother’s blood in bambi’s eyes while maniacally laughing and wielding this machete right in its stupid deer face) will scorn this article and will call me a murderer right before realising I own the aforementioned machete and have no qualms in using it to hunt the ultimate game, the cassowary. While they may have major ‘ethical’ 'issues’ with macheting a cassowary to death I do not because cassowaries are fucking terrifying and the only way to truly get through to them is a show of force, they truly only cede agency to shows of power. Now meat does involve things other than blenders and power drink and amphetamines but it is also a truly visceral experience - nothing is like tearing chunks of char-grilled carcass-meat from a hunk of bone and spewing the blood-soaked meat-cubes down your face like a demented monarch. Or tearing strips of flame-soaked turkey from a turkey leg whilst swilling an enormous tankard of beer. Meet is the undivided pinnacle of human achievement and we didn’t even invent it is just that good. So yes, meat fooding does involve some chewing and other disgusting machinery of the human digestive pyramid but the pure raw energy that comes from meat-consumption more than offsets the disgusting and degrading form in which you imbibe said energy.
Firstly in order to be the best at meat you will need a great fucking hunk of it. If we are talking poultry you will want the whole bird, unless it is a spatchcock because fuck spatchcocks. If it is a spatchcock you will want basically to have gunned down an entire spatchcock family because they are tiny - you may as well eat budgerigars or dirt or tablecloths they are so unsatisfying. The ultimate bird to eat (apart from Turkey because they are native to America and America is The Best™) is the Goose. Geese are predatory animals who defend crown land, they are on the payroll of the queen and as such it is the most republican thing you can to do behead a goose while it is on patrol. They normally travel in packs which is why it pays to go in with a squad of your closest friends, all armed with any number of sharpened objects. I have found the best way to murder a goose at least in Sydney, Australia is to shiv the fucker with a broken schooner. Schooners are always at hand and whilst it is very difficult to behead an animal with it (that is why you have never seen any beheading videos filmed in australian RSL clubs, the schooner when smashed provides a sharp blade that is good for cutting into flesh but not actually cutting through it) that is a challenge that you alone must face. When you have murdered your geese it must be cooked (ha ha) and you must remove all of the feathers. I have found using a multipurpose home-made feather lawnmower is the most versatile way to de feather a goose but if you find that element too difficult to deal with you can, of course, go to your local laundromat which will remove the feathers for a minor fee or a portion of the goose (as all laundromats are secretly Republicans they support the hunting and consumption of geese as a revolutionary act). One of the most important things you must have in your house at all times is duck fat - duck fat will turn everything be it potatoes, carrots or even small pieces of metal into delicacies to be cherished and enjoyed. A small amount of duck fat on the rim of a beer glass makes the beer taste thicker and almost poultry-ish in comparison with the normal thin beer-like taste of beer. When you have your denuded cavalier traitor prepared you must first truss it and then smear it with duck fat. Inundate it with duck fat as if you were tarring and feathering a royalist bastard, it must pay for the tyranny visited upon the peoples of the british isles.
The excellent thing about goose is that like duck it is loaded with the most delicious element of meat outside of meat itself, delicious and rich fat. The rich fat will spew off the sides of the duck like an explosion at a plastic surgery clinic when it is cooked so make sure to roast the goose in a high container. Now traditionally the stuffing in goose is used to provide aromatics and small economic girly-men will tell you it will simply be too rich to consume after you have roasted that motherfucker. Whoever tells you that is a fool who denies themselves paradise because proper goose roasted innards stuffing may be the closest thing to getting punched in the face by god (or gods) outside of snorting a line of ketamine off the top of a case of VB. You are going to want to get everything that is excellent in every roast ever and combine it, I would recommend getting 80 or 90 bulbs of garlic and mashing them all up in a mortar and pestle, then add beer (dark beer or stout OBVIOUSLY) and then add in more garlic and some more garlic to taste. Cover it with salt shipped in directly from the dead sea and then insert it in an indelicate fashion into the now almost certainly desecrated goose corpse. Truss that motherfucker with twine (or in a pinch non-flavoured waxed dental floss, look beggars can’t be choosers) and get ready to insert it into your hot box
A MOMENTARY INTERLUDE: Everyone should have a hot box, it is the ultimate tool for cooking ultimate-meat and must be used on almost all occasions except for when the meat type requires a fire-bed. Almost all meat boxes can be en-excellented with the goodness and care of a hotbox and you must always keep one well at hand otherwise you risk the scorn and opprobrium of your peers who will rightfully be disgusted with you. The hot box en-heatens the meat which in turn sciences into delicious. There is a long and complicated process by which this happens but the fucking cavemen didn’t need to know how 'fire make meat good’ just that it did so that’s what we do. Heat your hot box to somewhat hot, it’s the hot between medium hot and turbo hot and then insert the entire goose carcass mess into the oven and smear the oven handle with more duck fat (it’s known as the french method). Leave your goose to cook until it has reached final cookness stage (this varies based on the goose and the hot box so I will again leave it up to you to manage) and remove the goose from the hot box.
Place the goose on some kind of novelty oversized serving dish or giant’s goblet and leave to stand for a period of time until it has cooled enough to have meat torn from its bones with a standard human hand. An important part of meat-excellence is ceremony so you must first punch the goose a couple of times for good measure. Whilst this goose is dead it should send a message to other geese that we are sick and tired of dealing with their shit. Now comes the ultimate end part, with one hand tear a chunk of goose from the bone and with the other hand tear a chunk of stuffing from the cloaca. Use both hands to mash the two food-types into a compressed ball or 'geese mess’ and vanquish it with your mouth. Repeat this process until your disgusting hunger nature is completed or the goose has been thoroughly eviscerated. If there are any goose remains extract the bones from the meat and store the meat in your fridge. Place the bones out the front of your house with a sign 'sic semper goose’ around its neck as a warning to geese. We must stay ever vigilant in our fight against these monsters.
NEXT TIME: OTHER MEAT COOKING TYPES AND SOMEONE SHOOTS A LAMB IN THE FACE (MAYBE) - also SPACE FOOD