Excuse-Me-Mr

Justice League, Meet The Avengers

Batsy has created a chatroom.

Batsy has added Alfredo Pasta.

Batsy: Alfred.

Alfredo Pasta: Yes, Master Bruce?

Batsy: Was it Barry or Oliver this time?

Alfredo Pasta: It was the young speedster, Master Bruce.

Batsy has added Bear.

Batsy: Stop. Changing. Our. Names.

Bear: Alfredo Pasta, you snitched on me?

Alfredo Pasta: No regrets, son.

Alfredo Pasta: Was there something you needed, Master Bruce?

Batsy: I want to know the current status of the rest of the league.

Alfredo Pasta: Inviting them over for dinner? I shall prepare the table.

Batsy: No - a meeting that involves food, Alfred!

Bear: Ooooh are we having Lobster Thermidor? Arthur won’t like that.

Bear: I’ll be back in a… Flash. Gotta take care of my good pal Captain Cold.

Bear has left the chat.

Alfredo Pasta: It seems all members of the JLA are currently preoccupied.

Batsy: Even Clark? What could Arthur be doing? And Diana?

Alfredo Pasta: Saving the world, of course.

Alfredo Pasta: Except for Arthur. He’s at an aquarium.

Batsy: Are there any criminals out?

Alfredo Pasta: I’m afraid not, Master Bruce. Master Dick has done an exceptional job of keeping them at bay.

Batsy:

Batsy: What’s the Joker up to?

Alfredo Pasta: He’s in hiding after your last debacle with him.

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Just Following Orders, Sir - Mitch Rapp

Author: @mf-despair-queen

Characters: Mitch Rapp/Reader

Word Count: 11,985

Warnings: 18+, NSFW, Oral (both receiving), Multiple Orgasms, Shower Sex, Teasing, Death of bad guys, Sir, Squirting, Voyeurism, Boob Job

Notes: I know this is long overdue, but the word count makes up for it right? I got delayed because of Howler Con (I lost 3 says yo). I hope you guys like this. I liked this idea a lot actually.

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to be honest i thought the finale was a bit underwhelming and not nearly as gripping as some of the past season finales have been BUT man oh man it was also honestly the most unintentionally hilarious episode i’ve ever seen on this show

like

robbie coming back, chain whipping a couple robots and then casually greeting daisy like what up fam what’d i miss

may and coulson discussing how badly he fucked up while they’re in the busted remains of the bunker trying to stop aida from destroying the world

daisy and robbie having a cute little moment while mack and yo yo are unconscious 2 feet away from them

fitz trying to talk aida down from her murder spree by telling her to listen to SAD MUSIC instead, like dude we know you mean well but adele is the last thing aida needs right now

lmd jemma pointing out for like the 25th time that the A in aida stands for artificial because even robot jemma has a near-pathological need to be right and a burning hatred for the bitch who almost stole her man

jemma with the MACHINE GUN and giving off hardcore ripley vibes

the mental image of coulson making a deal with the ghost rider, i mean how did that even happen like um excuse me mr rider i need to borrow you from robbie into my body for like 45 minutes while i murder the evil robot turned evil human that one of my agents created please thank you he can have you back after

ghost!coulson and aida falling through 3 portals and almost getting hit by a subway car

radcliffe waiting for the end of the world on a beach with a drink and disappearing in the middle of his own big goodbye speech, like wow writers rude did you have to cut him off like that but also MOOD

the collective eye rolls by everyone on the team when they got busted at the diner

agents in SPACE and the mental image of this team getting shoved into a rocket and launched into outer space like i am certain mack and yoyo were 10000% NOT HERE FOR THAT SHIT and put up a big fight and had to be restrained by 15 guys and then they woke up to see asteroids floating by and immediately handed in their resignation letters to coulson effective immediately once they got back down to earth

listen, this show has many problems but it is also truly truly hilarious if you just turn off your brain for 45 minutes

Imagine being nervous to find out you have a bed scene with your best friend, and crush, Tom in your new movie because you know he can make it all very realistic.

“Don’t worry, love.” his smooth voice almost made your heart calm down – almost though “I am not going to do anything you don’t want me to.” he said with a slightly mischievous grin and you bit your lower lip.

Pull away too soon” you thought to yourself but in the end shook the thought off.

“I would never doubt it, Thomas.” you giggled as you leaned back in your chair, playing with a page from the script “You are ever the gentleman, all of the years I’ve known you.” you smiled at your best friend and he gave you back an adorable one as well.

“A gentleman at times and a really bad boy when needed.” he winked at you and you giggled, hitting his shoulder “Don’t worry, (Y/n), really I promise I won’t take it too far. Or at least I will try to.” he added the last part with a shrug and you rolled your eyes.

Please just take it as far as you can” you let your thoughts run wild so much you had to take a large sip of your coffee to fight the bllush away.

“Tom” you glared at him though you couldn’t never really be angry at something like this. Being in love with your best friend had a lot more disadvantages than you actually thought at first, and you had began to discover all of them during all these years of knowing Tom. And now you were going to work with him, you knew the boundaries of this friendship were really going to get blurry.

You shook your head “You better, bad boy. Because I will prove to you how little you know your best friend.” you said looking at him from the corner of your eyes.

“Is that so?” his eyebrows shot up as his interest peaked “Perhaps, we should really practice first then.”

“Oh you wish, William.” you smirked at him “It’s not like we need to anyway… right?”

“Why- why are you asking, (Y/n)?” he frowned, finally getting a little serious until realization downed and his eyebrows shot up “Wait you- you have done a bed scene before, right?”

“Well, excuse me Mr Hiddleston if I’ve put my singing career first all this time and finally managed to catch up with acting too! It’s not like a crime or anything.” you huffed, shaking your head although truth was you couldn’t help but feel even more nervous at the prospect of that scene alone. Not to mention it being with the man you had feelings for but didn’t want to reveal a thing.

“No, of course not darling. You know I was the one that supported you on that.” he said, placing a hand on top of yours and despite everything you caught yourself relaxing.

“Just wait till the fans hear this.” you breathed out with a chuckle “They’ve been shipping us for so long, even if they knew we are only friends. It seems like every time we mentioned it, it just made them want to see us together even more. They didn’t care, we are just OTP to them.”

“Yeah, yeah they actually have.” you glanced at him when you heard the tone in his voice. It sounded almost longing, nostalgic and you knew there was something more there but you didn’t have time to try to decipher it because he cleared his throat and put on back a smile that could be convincing to others but not you. He was an amazing actor, yes, but he could never fool you.

“And now not only are we going to be in the same movie but you are practically going to take my v-card on camera? Wow I am sure it will break the internet!” you laughed, taking another small sip of your coffee.

“I’m- what?” his eyebrows shot up as he stared at you in disbelief and you frowned at him until it downed on you.

“No- Tom, no!” you all-but-shrieked “For the love of, Hiddleston! I’m really starting to think I don’t know you here. I didn’t mean literally!” you shook your head, huffing.

He just mumbled an “Oh” and laughed nervously, taking a sip of his own drink and placed it back next to his own script.

“But-” the smile returned on his lips “Now that you mention it, can you imagine the posts?” he asked and a giggle left your lips.

“The fans’ or yours?” you raised an eyebrow at your friend and he erupted in laughter.

“Why are you saying that? I haven’t started teasing them that much… yet.” he shrugged “But now that we got the script… a little sneak peek wouldn’t be bad, right?”

“You little-” you stopped yourself, laughing “You know, now I really understand why the picked you for Loki.”

“Oh come on! Hey do you have your phone?” he asked and you nodded your head “Remember that photo you had accidentally sent me of you in your bed?” and oh boy how could you ever forget that “How about you post it with something about practicing huh?” he smirked as he already leaned over your seat to try and take hold of your bag that had your phone.

“What?!” your eyes widened “Tom, no! I may be decent enough in it but it certainly not meant for the internet with the caption you have in mind! Tom!” you screamed, a giggle leaving as he tried to get it from your bag. You grabbed it and held it to yourself but he man was not having any of it.

“Come on, love. They’re going to love it, especially my comments on it.” he grinned the smile that made you weak on the knees.

“Tom, I said no! Nothing will make me give you that photo.” you shook your head furiously.

“Nothing?” he breathed out, getting more serious and only then did you realize his face was inches away rom yours “Are you sure about that love?” he whispered and you really caught yourself wondering about the answer you were going to give him. Could you say it? And even more: What was he really going to do about it?

“A kiss probably?”

Affaires Douées (M)

word count: 7.4k

genre: smut; CEO!minhyuk

pairing: reader/minhyuk

summary: you’re fashion CEO lee minhyuk’s personal assistant, and in deep denial about your well-reasoned attraction to said man. when he reveals he’s had issues taking care of himself, paired with you seeing him lose his temper in front of everyone, it leads you two to take your business relationship to a more personal level.

a/n: this was inspired by this lovely video which had a yelling minhyuk that had me hot and bothered within seconds. please, suffer with me.

masterlist

Originally posted by bstdw

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The Dog Ate My Homework
  • It’s a warm night in Sixth year at Hogwarts and Remus Lupin is sitting, bent over a table in the empty Gryffindor common room trying to finish off some charms homework that is due in the next day.
  • Sirius, who finished the homework earlier in the week (or, more correctly, thought up his excuse for not doing the homework earlier in the week) is sitting next to his boyfriends, desperately attempting to gain his attention.
  • ‘Moooonnnyyyy’ He says, tapping him in the arm with his quill.
  • ‘Moons’ he whines, draping himself over Remus’ shoulders.
  • ‘Moonykins’ he cries, laying across the table on Remus homework.
  • And Remus looks up in frustration, shoving Sirius off the now smudged work.
  • ‘Geroff’ Pads! I promise I will give you attention later, right now I need to finish this so shut up or go away.’
  • And so Sirius slumps down onto his chair beside him and is quiet….for about three seconds.
  • Before he jumps up onto the table and transforms into his animagus, gently padding up and down the table as he whines and wags his tail.
  • Remus tries to hide his smile by biting his lip and staring more aggressively at his work.
  • Padfoot comes over and starts licking his ear slowly irritating Remus into submission as he nips away.
  • ‘Padfoot.. I’m serious.’
  • The dog barks loudly before jumping up and down happily on the sheets of parchment.
  • Remus rolls his eyes as he tries to gather the work from under the stupid dog.
  • ‘Sirius I swear on Merlin’s life…’
  • Padfoot takes the papers between his teeth and growls playfully as he tries to pull the blasted homework away.
  • So Remus pulls it away even harder.
  • Sirius yanks it in response.
  • Remus tugs with all his might.
  • But the big black dog is stronger, and with one sharp heave, he tears the parchment free.
  • But he is so caught up in the fight he doesn’t even realise hes won, so he opens his mouth to get better purchase, and all the homework Remus had worked so hard on is now inside and being chewed up by his boyfriend.
  • Remus mouth falls open as he stares at the salivary wreckage.
  • ‘Pads..’
  • Sirius transforms back to stare at the pile of slobbery mess.
  • ‘Shit Moons… I didn’t mean to..’
  • ‘reparo’ Remus glares over at Sirius as he tries and fails to mend the work.
  • Sirius now sitting cross-legged on the table, looking like a scolded puppy. ‘Rem I’m sorry..’
  • But Remus just sighs in response.
  • The following day and Remus is standing up at the front of the charms classroom.
  • ‘Professor, I’m sorry, I don’t have my homework.’
  • Professor Flitwick just looks up curiously at the usually well-behaved marauder.
  • ‘Excuse me Mr Lupin? No homework? Why?’
  • Remus just blushes.
  • ‘It ugh… well I did it you see.. but then it sort of…’
  • ‘Yes?’
  • ‘Well.. it got ruined.’
  • Flitwick’s eyebrows go up. ‘Ruined? What ruined it?’
  • Remus’ blushes deepens. ‘Um.. well.. it sounds unbelievable.. but..but..’
  • ‘Come on Mr Lupin I don’t have all day.’
  • Remus’ eyes dart nervously around the room. ‘A dog ate it..’ he mumbles.
  • ‘What?’
  • ‘A dog ate it. A dog ate my homework.’ he says, much louder as the whole class giggles.
  • Flitwick shakes his head. ‘Really Mr Lupin. i had at least expected a better excuse.. A dog.. really…’
  • ‘No! No! It’s true professor! It really happened!’
  • ‘Detention Mr Lupin. Maybe try to think of something better next time. You can stop now Mr Black, you’ll be joining him.’

Sirius hadn’t stopped laughing the whole time.

Which One (NSFW)

Originally posted by anotherscarlettblog

dom!Bucky x sub!Natasha x dom!Reader

Warnings: Smut, dear god so much smut, Принцесса = princess, Мадам = madam, Котенок = kitten, сержант = sergeant

A/N: I’m just cranking out fucking stories today, jesus. This is such a long fucking fic and I’m not even remotely sorry about that. I might need to bathe in holy water after this…


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Are You Mine?

Summary: Teaching was never Dan’s dream job. It’s just something he kind of stumbled into, but after working at Greenbrook Secondary for two years, he finds himself loving everything about it. Except for maybe the feelings he’s having for one of his students.

Genre: Smut with feels

Word count: 8,067

Kinks: Student/Teacher, hickeys, a lil bit of dirty talk, fucking to Arctic Monkeys (it’s a kink, I swear)

Notes: This is a request from my friend @jinx279. I hope it suffices after the long ass time I made you wait.

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Essays in Existentialism: Jurassic

I really love your fics so I was wondering if you’ll pleaseee write a clexa jurassic park au Tks

“Most meat eaters walked on two feet. This made them faster and left their hands free to grab their prey,” the professor explained, clicking the pointer so that the page changed. “Most plant eaters walked on four feet to better carry their heavy bodies. Some plant eaters could balance on two feet for a short time.”

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New Neighbors

You move into your new apartment, and discover Jonghyun and Jisoo, the adorable father-daughter duo across the hallway. It doesn’t hurt that Jonghyun is incredibly attractive.

  • non-idol au
  • single father!jonghyun

“That’s the last one,” you said to yourself proudly, staring down at the boxes that surrounded you. Pushing your hair back from your sweaty face, you couldn’t help but nod, happy that you were finally moving in.

It was your last year of college, and you’d decided to move into your own apartment. All of your friends had been busy on the day you’d decided to move in, about a month before classes began, so you’d had to lug up all your boxes of things and all the furniture yourself. It hadn’t been easy, but you’d gotten it done.

Just as you were about to settle onto the floor, arms splayed out, the doorbell rang. You groaned inwardly, hurrying to answer it.

“Hi.” Your breath caught as soon as you yanked open the door. One of the most gorgeous guys you’d ever seen was standing there, smiling slightly. He was dressed casually, jeans and a t-shirt, his black hair falling into his eyes.

“Welcome!” A much higher-pitched, squeaky voice exclaimed. Your eyes travelled down from the guy to the small figure clinging onto his outstretched hand—a young girl, maybe 4 or 5, stood there, grinning widely. You cooed mentally at how adorable she was, with slightly chubby cheeks, tiny hands and a missing front tooth.

“We just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood,” the guy said gently with a small smile. You turned your attention back to him, and couldn’t help but notice how nice his voice was. “Right, baby?” He glanced down at the small girl, voice tender. Your heart was actually melting.

“Right!” The young girl nodded, shoving a container towards you, “we baked you cookies!”

You smiled widely, crouching down so that you were eye-level with the girl, “did you really? That’s awesome, you’re an angel! Thank you.”

The girl grinned again, revealing that missing tooth, “Daddy almost started a fire.” You grinned at how cute she was, glancing back up at the guy, who looked mildly embarrassed, but also used to the girl’s attitude.

“Thank you so much,” you told the guy, container of cookies in hand, “I really appreciate the gesture, I know you’re probably super busy, so thank you.”

“It’s no trouble,” the guy assured you with a smile, “We were once the new people in the building, so if you ever need help, feel free to ask, we’re right across the hall. I’m Jonghyun, and this is my daughter Jisoo.”

“I’m (y/n),” you replied, heart a puddle of goo over how adorable Jisoo was and how incredibly perfect Jonghyun was. “Thank you again, I really appreciate it.”

“Well, we’ll see you around,” Jonghyun said, and you nodded quickly in agreement, “have a nice night.”

“I hope you have fun living here!” Jisoo smiled up at you, making you smile back.

“Thank you, have a nice night as well!”

As you closed the door, you placed a hand over your pounding heart.  Jonghyun was actually perfect, what the hell. He was incredibly handsome, kind, and he clearly cared a lot about his daughter, who was also a total sweetheart.

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Words Never Last

Summary: When Dan and Phil are informed that their daughter punched another student, they must figure out why. However, to do this, they have to face an incredibly homophobic headmaster. And a student to match.

Genre: Parent! phan, Fluff, Homophobia

Warnings: Swearing, Homophobic slurs

Word Count: 1.6k


“It was a call from the school,” Phil mumbled.

“And…” Dan urged Phil to continue.

“She punched a kid. Get your coat on, we have to go.” Dan slammed the lid to his MacBook and sat up.

“She what?” Dan convinced himself that he just misheard his husband.

“C’mon, we have to hurry up.” Even though the statement was nagging at his mind, Dan got up and slid into his jacket. He ignored the fact that his daughter might have punched someone. He ignored the fact that his husband seemed not to care. All he set his mind to at that point was getting to the school.

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anonymous asked:

Honestly after all these years I'm still disappointed Sakura never had a showdown against sasuke. Like at least then I could've respected sasusaku a bit more? All I needed was for her to just put her foot down ONCE against him and just say "NO". I feel like it would've been much better development for Sakura's character. Imagine at the kage summit instead of naruto swooping in to save her she could've just reached up and grabbed sasuke's wrist and like kicked him off of her or something!

NB to people who may or may not find this in search: since the Anon already wrote “sasusaku” this might show up if you search “sasusaku”, that’s not my fault. I’m not crosstagging intentionally. I suggest searching with the # in front, this is a little thing that will generally improve your results when searching. Anti-SS content follows!

One thing I’ve noticed about people who are sincere SS shippers and create fan content (not dark content, that is, happy content) is that Sakura is herself, that is, she’s the Sakura we recognize from when Sasuke isn’t around, instead of just being a blushing, submissive mess 24/7, like she is in canon whenever she interacts directly with Sasuke.

I don’t think Sakura was ready to face down Sauce at the Kage summit–either in terms of her emotional development or her ninja strength–but oooooh did I want Sakura to get angry when Sasuke pulled that “Kakashi, you’re as useless as Sakura now” bullshit. Like… excuse me, Mr. Won the Genetic Lottery, Powered Up on Ninja Steroids, and Blessed By a Literal God, sorry that Sakura didn’t get any of those deals, but if you weren’t paying attention, Naruto would be dead if it wasn’t for Sakura, and if Madara injures you, what exactly the fuck are you planning on doing? Karin ain’t around for you to bite.

Like… when people say “Oh, Sasuke is being harsh, but he’s just telling it like it is” NO. Have none of you played MMORPGs? If so, and you play a wizard-class character who is a glass cannon, do y’all tell the pure healer character before you go into a boss battle “Shut up, I’m directing here, you’re useless”?

No, you don’t do that, because healing is not useless, what the actual fuck is everyone smoking, everybody knows you kill the cleric first!!!!

Anyway I just want Sakura to have some fucking self-respect after all she’s worked for and all she’s accomplished WITHOUT genetic superpowers OR perverted snake bastards giving her drugs OR literal alien gods giving her power-ups and say “FUCK YOU, Sasuke, if you were a REAL leader who had an ounce of intelligence, you’d realize that I am extremely useful in this situation and you damn well should be GLAD that you have a healer around at all, let alone a healer that also can tank FFS.”

But we don’t get nice things.

And then we get Naruto Gaiden, where not only does Sakura not push to contact Sasuke and demand he teleport home every couple of years to see his kid for half an hour–is that too much to ask?–but gives absolutely no pushback when he publicly snubs her request for a goodbye kiss, hardly an unreasonable request to make of the supposed love of your life whose kid you’ve been raising solo for a decade. “Oh but Sasuke isn’t like that.” Bitch, Sakura is like that, why can’t Sakura’s emotional needs in this relationship ever come first? Why can’t Sasuke bend even the tiniest amount for her, when she’s folded so much for him she’s practically origami?

Anyway. I don’t hate the SS in the ending because of who is in it, and I definitely don’t hate SS shippers; I hate canon SS because of how it’s written, because of what is actually on the page in the manga. More than anything else, canon SS feels like a punishment of Sakura for friendzoning Naruto and a warning to all girls who might friendzone Nice Guys. “Don’t be like this,” Kishimoto warns. “See what happens if you choose the handsome asshole?”