Escafeism

I wish I could forgive you for leaving me. I wish I’d have the strength to go on and face the future without your reassuring smile and encouraging words. You have always been my happy pill and right now, I can’t find any reason to be happy despite the fact that I have my family and friends who have always been there to wipe my tears and convince me that everything is going to be okay one day. It’s definitely lonely and scary to venture out into a new chapter of my life without you next to me. You know how much I fear isolation but I realized that I’m not really scared of being isolated – it’s living without you I am terrified of. I often look back to the times when we were so happy and have no doubts about being together in the future. I love reminiscing them every time I miss you and sometimes, I wish I can bring them back. I can’t still figure out what made you walk out of my life. What made you decide to stop holding my hand and just give us up?

I hope one day I can forgive myself too. For waiting, for blaming myself, for all the times I let myself get hurt just so I can keep you for a little longer. I hope I can forgive myself for hoping that one day, you’d find yourself at my doorstep, wanting me back. I hope I can forgive myself for choosing to hold on to you when you wanted to let go; for trying to fight for us when you wanted to give up; for asking you to stay when you wanted to walk away. And I hope, one day, you can forgive me too.

—  late night thoughts #2 m.b

Forgive yourself, always.

Forgive yourself for finding it hard to get out of your bed this morning and taking too long inside the bathroom as you dread everything that’s going to happen for the day. Forgive yourself for drinking too much coffee that you suffer from palpitations all the time. Forgive yourself for losing sleep too much. Forgive yourself for feeling the need for that seventh stick of cigarette when you swore that the sixth one was the last. Forgive yourself for all the things that you have to do just for you to calm down.

Forgive yourself for not healing that easily and for destroying all your efforts to move on by dialling that number again just to admit your longing. Forgive yourself for writing all the same old things and for reading those long conversations that you held on for too long. Forgive yourself for always going back to the past just to take a glimpse of what has been and for that part of you that still wishes for all of it to happen all over again.

Forgive yourself for still loving the ones who have hurt you. Forgive yourself for breaking your own heart. Forgive yourself for all the wrong decisions that you have made. Forgive yourself for all the regrets that got piled up on your doorsteps. Forgive yourself for not being enough that they walked out of your life. Forgive yourself for leaving when you couldn’t take everything anymore. Forgive yourself for digging your old scars and making them bleed again. Forgive yourself for hurting others by not saying goodbye.

Forgive yourself for not loving yourself enough. Forgive yourself for wanting to be someone else. Forgive yourself for not knowing your own worth. Forgive yourself for throwing your key of happiness to the ones who didn’t do anything but gave you pain. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to start again. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to forgive yourself.

No matter what happens, forgive yourself. Because the world is constantly changing and everyone is always leaving and in the end, you will only have you and nothing more. So forgive yourself for all the mistakes that you have done and everything that you never intended to do but ended up doing anyway. Forgive yourself for the chaos and storms.

Simply, forgive yourself. And you will find your way to your inner peace and everything that will make you feel better.

Love is when

Love is when you take the risk just to be with someone you love. Love is when you doubtful but still you have trust. Love is when you are in your weakest point but she/he give you strength to fight with. Love is when you in tears in the middle of your misunderstanding but still you have courage to forgive him/her. Love is when you did everything with no excuses, no expectation in return, just a plain simple reason. Love is when you are in apart but it feels you’re near together. Love is when you argue and reach the point of breaking up but still find the very first reason why you are together for so many years. Love is when she/he give up but still you prove that there is no greater than your love. Love is when you have your flaws but still tells you compliments. Love is when you in pain and gives you comfort. Love is when he/she tells you he/she will keep you for the rest of her/his heart. Love is when he ask you “will you marry me” Love is when you say I do. Love is when you stay in love together no matter how rough the road. Love is when you stay together no matter what. 

4

Are you still forever waiting for someone you can see the world with? The wait maybe too long for you to handle but believe me, one day he will come. It may seem impossible now, but at the right place at the right time, under the right circumstances, God will place the person he has reserved for you right beside you. You may not be ready by now, but instead of waiting for the perfect one, why won’t you be the perfect one yourself? Aim on being the person you wanted to meet someday. It’s never late. Wait patiently. You’ll never know he could be right beside you at this moment in a form of a friend, a classmate, a thesis partner, at neighbor or a best friend. You’ll never know. Just wait.

Maybe I do not just belong to the majority who find it cute and flattering. Don’t get me wrong. The first time he told me that I am his everything, I felt really happy and proud to have someone love me that way. It sent shivers through my spine and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for weeks. Every time that moment would cross my mind, I involuntarily smile and my tummy would instantly feel like a thousand butterflies are creating something beautiful inside. Whenever me and my best friend talk about love and relationships, I brag about him and how he feels about me.

For the duration of time that we were together, he’d always do things for me and because of me. When we fight, he’d cry. When I threaten to leave, he’d plead that I stay. I wasn’t just a part of his dream – I was his dream. He graduated with flying colors because I wanted him to. He opted to work for the company that I chose for him. He worked for me and for my dreams. He never chased after things other boys his age would. Every “why” that I demanded from him comes with these answers: ‘You are my everything.’ 'I don’t know what to do without you.’ 'My world revolves around you. Please stay.’

Others would have found that selflessness endearing and touching but I did not. Instead, I find it troublesome and weak. He ditched his childhood dreams because he met me, a girl he construed to be his dream, his lifetime goal, his mission, his world, his everything. That is not normal. I often tell him that he needs to stand up on his own. That I wasn’t supposed to complete him; I was to complement him instead because he’s already whole on his own. I want him to take charge of his life not because that is what I want but because he wants it for himself. I want him to exist because he has plans for himself too, not because I was there. I want him to have his own identity instead of just being my shadow.

I loved him but that love wasn’t enough to give him the strength to stand up for himself; to be independent. I want him to do things for himself too because not everything should be about me all the time.

Inasmuch as it is blissful and crazy and really touching to have someone’s world revolve around you, it becomes suffocating and burdensome in the long run. So dear, go for the man who knows how to lead and when to follow. Because a relationship with a man who can’t stand up on his own and grow together with you is almost always bound to fail. I advice you to choose wisely and save yourself from the imminent pain.

—  I often wonder about what it feels like to have another person’s world revolve around you so I asked a friend and this is what she said. (m.b)

Some nights, I cry because I miss you. I close my eyes and struggle to breathe. How can I inhale without wanting to take you in? Other nights, it isn’t as hard as this. I think of you and distract myself then I move on. I read our past conversations, laugh at how good we were then sleep. But nights like this, it’s hard to ignore. Everything inside me is yearning for something that it will never have. How can you satiate this kind of longing?

All that I can think about right now is that I want you. I want to straighten your collars to make sure you’re good for the day and kiss you on your cheeks to make the other girls jealous. I want to hold your hand just to assure you that you are not as empty as you seem and I am not as hollow as I assume to be. I want to touch you, undress you, show you that the world is not as lonely as how you write it and prove to you that you belong somewhere. That you belong to me. I want you to know that even if it doesn’t eventually get better, I will not go away. That even if you’re surrounded with everything temporary, I will remain constant.

I want to love you in a way that you deserve to experience it. No tragedies. No teeth. No bleeding. Just the pure kind of love that isn’t contaminated with doubt and guilt and pain. I want to unwrite your scars and undo your misery.

But I am afraid that the moment I let my heart bare in front of you, you will run away. You will shut your door and severe every tie that connects me to you. I want to keep you so much that I am willing to let the distance stay just so I can watch you from afar. Missing you is better than not knowing anything about you at all.

And now I keep on thinking about how cruel the world can be. How you can love someone with the greatest intensity and you can not have the chance to show it, to express it for real. How you can meet the one then realizing that they can not be with you. How you can cry at night because of how you miss someone and how it is all that you can do about it.

There is something permanent about the way I love you. So maybe I will miss you forever. Spend all these kind of nights crying forever. And it’s funny because I don’t even believe in forever. But I believe that my heart might always belong to you even if we might never meet at all.

I won’t get tired of saying how much I love you. I won’t get tired of saying how much I miss you cause I really do. I can’t get enough of you. I want to see you, now. I miss you so bad. I want to see your beautiful eyes, I want to smell your scent. I miss your smile. I miss everything about you. I can’t wait to see you baby. I want to hug you so tight and whisper to your ear that I love you and I need you. 

To love you is the most romantic feeling i could feel right now and for my entire life. Oh how I wish I could hold your hand and hug you so tight and feel the warmth of my love. How I wish I can whisper to your ears the every words, every sweet words i want to tell you. On how much I am so happy to be with you and to be your everything until forever. I know these wishes will come true. Distance may between us, but not my heart who is sincerely loving you. I love you.

“Why let her go if you really love her in the first place?”

“Because that is how love is like. You have all the intentions of keeping the person and you do everything that you can to keep her. You become selfish because you want her for yourself. You forget that there is an entirely different world out there because you are so focused on her that she became your world. She became your number one priority, the only person for whom you would drop everything you are doing just to be there for her. By making her your everything, you started to forget that she has a life outside your relationship too. The relationship that both of you have first thought to be something that would make your personal lives better became the cause of their destruction. Your relationship should complement your lives, not supersede it. And then you realize that it is not healthy for you both. You can see that the relationship is slowly becoming a burden, not a stress-reliever. She is not that happy anymore, you can feel that too. And so no matter how much you love her, you let her go. Because that would be the only thing that could bring back the girl you have fallen in love with, the girl that once possessed the loveliest smile you have ever seen, the girl that your relationship has slowly changed into someone she isn’t. This time, you know that love isn’t just about getting to keep that person who turned your life around. Instead, it’s time to let her go, watch her become the person she is destined to be, and see her happy – without you.”

—  (m.b)

Save your heart for someone who cares. For someone who knows that you are worth it. For someone who knows how to care how to love and how to treasure someone’s heart. People always want fun, but being in love and having a relationship is not for fun. It’s for someone who knows to treat someone like how treat them like a pearl. Save your heart for someone who can love you back. for your friends, family and those people who loves you truly.

I will not be your emergency hotline for whenever you are bored. Don’t expect me to rush to you like an ambulance dying to rescue you from the emptiness she puts you in. I am not a first aid kit which you will only remember to hold whenever you are reminded that it hurts to bleed. My hands are not the needle and the thread that will sew back all the cuts that her sharpness has caused. My hugs are not the cast that you will wrap around your body until your bones and muscles can function well again. My kisses are not band-aids that you will only attach to your skin because you want to cover up the fact that you are in pain. My body is not a hospital bed that you will only lie on whenever you want to feel better despite the heartbreak that she is causing you. I will not wait for you until you are healed only for you to walk away from me again.

I will not be your umbrella for whenever she decides to rain on you. Don’t you ever run to me as if I’m the fire place that can keep you warm whenever her coldness bites through your soul. I am not an underground shelter that you can just trespass every moment she explodes and you refuse to be a casualty. Don’t you ever evacuate on my side whenever she stops being the calm and the tender and starts being the catastrophe and the tragedy that you have always been afraid to handle. Don’t you think that I will shield you from her waves or silence the world so you won’t hear her eruption. You should have known that when you chose her, you didn’t only choose the sugar, the soft and the soulful, you also chose the ache, the anger and the avalanche. Don’t linger on me when it hurts too much to stay. I will not be the place between holding on and letting go.

I will not be your spare tire for whenever you can not move on. I will not drag you from despair or ignite myself just to shed a little light to your darkness. I will not be her substitute whenever she can not fill the other side of the bed. I will not be the moments that you will be too drunk to remember. Don’t give me the words that I have always craved from you just so I can drive your car and pretend to be your home. Don’t shower me with attention and affection that are originally intended for her just so I can distract you from the agony of being left behind. Don’t you act like you are choosing me this time when the truth is written over the tears from your eyes and the longing in your voice. I refuse to be your plan B. I refuse to be the shadow in this story. I refuse to be your own version of a secret celebration.

I will not be a vertex on your triangle.

I hope you fall in love with someone who can’t bear to lose you and would rather hurt you by being honest than make you happy with lies. I hope you end up with someone who would never dare to break your heart even if they have the power to do so. I hope you find someone who accepts and loves you for who you really are at the right time – when you are no longer hurting; when you have forgiven yourself for all the things which you thought were your fault; when you have already made peace with your past and are ready to face the future with a renewed spirit; and when you are ready to open your heart to another.
—  late-night thoughts #8 (m.b)
Do not let that man make you lose your self-respect. If he loves you truly, he would not let you go that low. If you do not like what he is doing to you, tell him to back off. If he cares for you, he would always be in his best behavior and he would respect you. His hands would not go to where it is not supposed to touch. His mouth will speak of love and not of lust. You are supposed to be happy, not scared about your safety.
Dear Future Boyfriend

Shout out to the future guy I will love for the rest of my life. For the last guy who I will take my vow in front of many people, in the spirit of His righteousness, in a church where loves starts. I just want you to know that please be patient, wait me until the Lord gives us the GO signal, until everything that matters between our lives may be done according to His will. Stay pure and humble! Don’t seek for temporary but seek me as the Lord’s leads you. Keep your heart whole and strong have courage to do your part first as individual, let your faith grows first in the eyes of the Lord, pray for your plans and for what were going to have. Let the Lord guide our soon relationship.

Love,

Your Future Girlfriend.

You know what? I miss you. But I’d rather not to bother you because I know that you don’t really care about how my day was, or how am I doing right now. That’s it! You just don’t really care about me, right? And that kinda hurts. But it’s alright… I’m used to it. It’s better to show that you don’t really care about me than to pretend all day long that you care. And if you’re going to ask me if I’m doing fine without you? I would say ‘yes.’ I would say ‘yes’ because I don’t want you to know how pathetic it makes me feel—-knowing that you don’t even miss me back.
—  I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind. // L.M