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A member of the Istari, demigod guardians recently dispatched to Middle-earth, has just flouted the strict dress code by which ordinary citizens could recognize the do-gooders.

“White is bland, and boring, and inescapably infused with associations of lawful good,” said the wizard Saruman, née Curumo, in a prepared statement. “I refuse to be bound by the strictures of a single hue any longer, and from this day forward you shall refer to me only as *drumroll* Saruman of Many Colors!”

The original parchment was enchanted with an actual drumroll for dramatic effect.

In making this statement, Saruman breaks with a long-held tradition that the leader of this immortal boy-band wears white, the backup vocalists wear gray and/or brown, and the session musicians wear blue. Instead, his trademark white wardrobe has been replaced with glowstick-studded robes that flash different colors as Saruman moves, dizzying audiences.

Sources hypothesize that in-fighting among the group itself might have prompted this surprising move. Other band members include Gandalf the Grey, formerly a Maia of Manwë and Varda; Radagast the Brown, formerly a Maia of Yavanna; and Alatar and Pallando the Variously Blue, formerly Maiar of Oromë. Of these four, only Radagast could be reached for comment; Gandalf is the focus of a current missing persons case, and Alatar and Pallando disappeared in pursuit of groupies several hundred years ago.

“He did what, now?” Radagast said when asked. “Oh, that’s actually pretty smart. Many animals adopt different colors in response to different seasons or environments, you know; it’s a camouflage technique! And I’ve told Curumo many times that his white robes really don’t match that whole black-on-black-on-black aesthetic he has going on at Isengard. I’m so happy he’s finally listening to me!”

Back in Valinor, Aule of the Valar is being investigated, as Saruman is the second of his Maiar to fall from grace. The first was Mairon, now better known as the Sauron whom the Istari were sent to oppose.

“Look, I don’t know,” Aulë said. “These kinds of things just happen around here, sometimes – it’s one of the risks associated with a creative atmosphere. Remember the Dwarves, though? At least that turned out pretty well, right?”

The Vala is referring to his slapdash creation of the Khazad, which Eru Ilúvatar only sanctioned following some serious groveling.

The sign outside Aulë’s forge in Valinor has been reset to “0 Days Since The Last Incident.”

EDIT: thanks to reader @fantasychica37 for the request!!

These short lines
Don’t always rhyme,
A steady beat
Won’t always defeat,
A simple mind
Won’t always find
Ones true desire,
The heart is a fire,
Without it’s a key
The soul will leave
—  An Original
The Zodiac Signs at a Boring Function

Complains to everyone- if there’s no one to complain to, they’ll complain in their head: Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo

Desperately strikes up a conversation, even if it’s about a topic irrelevant to the situation: Aries, Virgo, Libra, Aquarius, Pisces

Thinks about their life or finds something to do: Sagittarius, Scorpio, Capricorn