Edinburgh-Comedy-Fest

8

David O'Doherty: Life.
“Somewhere over the rainbow, I bet life is just exactly as hard as it is on this side of the rainbow, and at that side you can’t even see the bloody rainbow–it’s an optical illusion. And who knows? Maybe it’s even more homophobic on that side of the rainbow. So let’s just stay on this side. And let’s all of us–even just for tonight–let’s just try and have a nice time.”

Point three: let’s just say for the sake of argument that fat girls DO love cake. You’re a 13 year old boy claiming to love pussy just as much. ‘Cause here’s the thing: you put cake in front of a fat girl, she’s at least going to know what to do with it.
—  - Ed Byrne on a boy wearing a t-shirt reading ‘I love pussy like a fat girl love cake’. Edinburgh Comedy Fest
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David O'Doherty - Edinburgh Comedy Fest 2012

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David O'Doherty - My Beefs song.

“My beefs, two thousand and ten, things I’ve encountered again and again! People with Iphones stop trying to show me what your Iphone can do, I couldn’t give a shit they’ve been out for yeeeearrsssss! When will you realise the truth – there is no app for loneliness!”

Point number five: this is my main point, and it goes back to what I was saying in point number two. And that is to say, a fat girl’s relationship to cake, indeed, a fat person’s relationship with food is not as simple as pure love. It’s far more complicated, far more fraught, far more nuanced relationship than simple love. And if that’s the relationship that you, a 13 year old boy, have with pussy, you have issues you have not addressed, my young friend. Like sometimes, you want pussy, but you’ll deny yourself pussy? Or if sometimes, you’ll have some pussy, but then feel really bad about it afterwards? Or occasionally, you’ll deliberately have too much pussy in order to punish yourself because of complex issues to do with your self-esteem. If that’s how YOU, as a 13 year old boy, feel about pussy, you’re OBVIOUSLY gay.
—  Ed Byrne on a boy wearing a t-shirt reading ‘I love pussy like a fat girl love cake’. Edinburgh Comedy Fest
Point four: Again, for the sake of argument, let’s just say that you DO love pussy that much. You, who 18 months ago had a favourite power ranger. Let’s just go with the idea that you really are all about the puss-ay. Why then, for the love of PETE, would you choose to wear a tshirt that virtually guarantees you’ll never get any?
—  Ed Byrne on a boy wearing a t-shirt reading ‘I love pussy like a fat girl love cake’. Edinburgh Comedy Fest
This offends me in so many ways. And I would like to tell you about all of them. Point one: it’s quite bad grammar. It’s like a fat girl loves cake, or like fat girls love cake. It’s not like a fat girl love cake. Get it right. Minor point, but they really should have spotted it in the screen printing process.
—  Ed Byrne on a boy wearing a t-shirt reading ‘I love pussy like a fat girl love cake’. Edinburgh Comedy Fest