Earl Skakel

CANADA TRUMPS AMERICA ON THE VERGE OF MONTREAL

by Tony Bartolone

We’re so close to debuting on Comedy Central. It’s next week! If you can’t wait ’til next Thursday, watch Road to Roast Battle Sunday night at midnight. And if you haven’t already, go to the Comedy Central site and watch all the promos. Tell your family, your friends, your enemies, your frenemies, your friends’ enemies, your enemies’ friends…you get the idea. Tell everybody you know to watch Jeff Ross Presents Roast Battle because we don’t want anybody to miss this crazy, sexy, wild special event. Thursday, July 28th –Thursday, July 31st 10/9c.

Now to the action!

Earl Skakel drops a hate-bomb so close to the start of the show, it might be a new Roast Battle record. Under one minute after Brian Moses is introduced, the House Hater hurls a controversial slur at his future Comedy Central competitor. And we’re off and running.

The first battle pairs off two of the least-liked battlers, Lou Vahram (1-3, Unranked) and Caesar Lizardo (3-2, Unranked).

Lou comes out looking confident and gets a decent shot in during the pre-battle banter. Coach T, on point as ever, hits TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’ to bring up the twenty-eight-year-old stay-at-home son, Caesar Lizardo. For some unfathomable reason, Caesar decided to wear a shirt covered in gay-pride popsicles giving the judges and haters an easy target for insults later on.

“Caesar was named for the salads he tosses.”

“Looking at Lou you’d never be able to tell he was Jewish-Armenian, but stand close to him and his BO will choke you for your loose change.”

“That joke was more complicated than the Torah.” – Jason Sklar

“Caesar, you look like you popped, locked and dropped out of high school.”

“Lou looks like he jerks off with cheeto fingers… and then licks them clean.”

“What happened Alton Sterling is tragic, but if Caesar’s ever murdered for selling CDs it’s because nobody wants to buy his shitty comedy album.”

“Let’s face it, Lou’s a creepy dude. He looks like he knows exactly how far three hundred feet away from anything is.”

At the end of the battle, Lou and Jason Reitman are both visibly upset. Jason Reitman is disappointed in the quality of the battle, Lou’s disappointed in himself, and Ceasar has disappointed both his parents.

“Are you wearing popsicles on your shirt because you suck?” – Earl Skakel

“I just realized those are bomb pops.” – Jeff Ross

“If they’re bomb pops, Lou should be wearing them.” – Randy Sklar

In the end, the crowd decides Caesar was slightly less shitty than Lou. Although that BO joke was so bad Lizardo should’ve been disqualified right then and there. Personally, I respect the hell out of Lou Vahram. If I would’ve bombed that bad I would’ve quit stand up and left LA. And I’m from LA. But Vahram just keeps coming back. He’s got more balls than talent, and if he keeps swinging he’s bound to hit one out of the park sooner or later. Probably later.

The next undercard: high roller Joe Eurell (3-4, #42) versus animal lover Albert Escobedo (5-0, #39)

Once Joe Eurell is (literally) dropped off onstage, Brian Moses poses the familiar question, “Why are you battling Albert?” Joe comes out firing with a flip of the crip script:

“Because for once, I wanted to give somebody a Make a Wish.”

These two were clearly fired up and ready to put on a show. We go from two unlikeable battlers to two of the most likable battlers.

“Joe has a girlfriend so we know he’s not a fruit, just a vegetable.”

“Albert’s comedy career is like his hairline, mediocre all around and empty in the middle.”

“Joe smokes so much weed he has a colostomy dime bag.”

“Albert’s engagement ended quicker than the lives of the animals he cares for at his vet clinic.”

“Joe’s going to hell because there’s a stairway to heaven.”

The room explodes as only the late Tuesday night Belly Room crowd can. If you’ve never been a part of this kind of group reaction, it’s like having a simultaneous orgasm with an entire orgy of supermodels while shooting heroin and biting into an In-N-Out Double-Double. Suffice it to say, it feels really good.

“Albert had sex with a tranny because as a Mexican he enjoys women feeding him eggs and chorizo.”

“Joe might never get his name on the Comedy Store wall, but he’ll always have the best parking spot.”

“Albert went from being a kindergarten teacher to veterinary technician because he wanted to get paid for fingering his subjects.”

I’m not sure why Joe makes so many animal jokes when he’s the one with handlers. Fun fact: Joe’s chair is called Wheel of Misfortune. “Alex, I’d like to buy a cure.” Albert takes this match, though they both had great jokes. With his unparalleled undefeated streak extended after crushing the very fragile Joe Eurell, we can call this dude the Unbreakable Albert Escobedo.

After all the research I had to do on Oduduwa and Trell Jones, the battle didn’t even happen. From what I hear, Trell didn’t show up. Oh well, that’s one less battle for me to cover. And if there’s one thing I love, it’s doing as little work as possible. Speaking of which, I really hate these next two battlers for making me transcribe their long ass jokes: Canada’s Wigga Corey Charron (1-0, Unranked) takes on Amerikkka’s Nigga Jamar Neighbors (2-3, Unranked).

Brian Moses urges Charron to bust a rhyme, and in return, he asks Brian to get three topics from the crowd so everybody knows it’s a legit freestyle. The official topics are Amy Schumer, Pokemon, and Cheese.

“I mean, lot of people call me a nerd, they say I look like some kinda faggot loser. I mean, I’m probably the only person who hasn’t been Inside Amy Schumer.

But I gotta realize with Jamar they brought a Pokemon, and I got a rebuttal contention. He does his shit on his phone, how ya gonna catch a Pokemon when you can’t catch your father’s attention?

…Jeff Ross is likin’ this shit ’cause I’m toastin’ him. We don’t need to talk about grilled cheese ’cause I’m already roastin’ him.”

The crowd is already turnt as fuck, and Jamar hasn’t entered the room yet. Jamar rolls up in style with his Wave entourage. Wearing an open vest and backwards black leather cap, Jamar pours an entire bottle of baby oil over his head making his chiseled torso shine to the every lady’s delight. He motions up a girl from her seat and they start grinding. Haiti grabs a girl from the side of the stage, picks her up and she cradles her legs around him. Jamar peels off his vest as the chaos around him dissipates. The crowd is going fucking bonkers.

Brian asks who wants to go first. Jamar replies:

“Um, I’m tired from my performance.”

And the Battle is officially underway. Let’s Roast!

“Man, is this guy supposed to try to think he’s a pimp or something? You look like Adam Lambert’s backup dancer and your chunky girlfriend looked like Dairy Queen Latifah.”

“Fuck you, motherfucker! Fuck you, motherfucker!” – Dairy Queen Latifah

“Wait up, wait up. I’d still fuck ya.”

“Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok. So ah, Corey Charron, like ok, so like, where do you be? Like ok… What? What? Like where do you be, like what do you- I ain’t seen you since you shot the homie’s grandma in in that South Carolina church.”

“You talking about shootings, but I heard you had to suck dick to get a movie role. He’s had so many kids shot inside of him they nicknamed his throat Sandy Hook.”

“BATTLE! BATTLE! BATTLE!” - The Crowd

“Shut the fuck up! He’s faking! WIGGER! He up here free stylin’ wearing Air Force Ones, he’s a battle rapper, this nigga stole more black culture than Melanie Trump. Tell Jesse Williams I’m woke!”

“He’s talkin’ about Mrs. Trump, but who’s the real rip off here? You’re out here like a poor man’s Tyrone Biggums. Who you supposed to be, Slave Chappelle?”

“Yes, yes, yes. I am often confused with great people. This nigga look like Daniel Tosh if he had a knife on him.”

“The judges were deliberating on what his ugliest feature is. It was close, but his front teeth won by a split decision.”

“I got a rhyme for ya: Hickory dickory dock, stop tryin’ to be a nigga.”

“I mean, if we’re doing rhymes like you did, you won’t be leaving in one piece. You look like Tyler the Creator if he chugged bleach. I just want equality, I’m sick of these gun freaks. What’s farther apart? Black and white relations or your front teeth?”

“You mom’s spaghetti eatin-ass nigga. You’re a battle rapper. I ain’t seen a nigga so excited about a dead end job since Calvin got that job at MacDonald’s in ’94.”

The last joke proves to be too obscure, getting little reaction from the crowd, but this undercard just can’t be stopped:

“I can go all night. Jamar Neighbors. I can’t believe they gave me a black neighbor. I can feel my property value decreasing. There’s no way we could be neighbors because we don’t got Section 8 in Canada.”

“You look like you shot Omar Epps in Higher Learning.”

And the crowd ignites into cheers and applause of appreciation for this one-of-a-kind, straight-up showstopping extravaganza of a battle.

“I mean, rapping Edward Snowden came out firing.” – Randy Sklar

“This looks like a No Lives Matter rally.” – Jeff Ross

I’ve never seen a first timer own the room like Corey Charron. He comes out not looking like much, but he does his thing and completely dominates. He’s like Kevin Betterline. Mounty Mathers. Congratulations, you magnificent Canadian kook.

After the last two undercards, this main event is like a bonus. A big ol’ cherry on top of the greatest comedy hot fudge sundae. Jeanne Whitney (4-2, #26) and Rena Hundert (4-0, #23) are battling the hype generated by the last match. Jeanne gets the first words.

“She’s a top battler, but I know I can handle her with all of my experience in dog walking.”

Rena’s comeback doesn’t hit nor really make sense. I’ll spare you.

“This stage right now looks like white bread, corn bread and inbred.” – Earl Skakel

ROUND ONE

“The only time Jeanne kills onstage is when there’s a boner in the audience.”

“Rena looks like JonBenét Ramsey never died, she just went to Canada and got ugly.”

“I don’t know if Jeanne puts collagen in her lips or they’re just swollen from her night job.”

“Rena does a lot of stand-up. At open mics and while sleeping in her stable.”

“Jeanne doesn’t have down syndrome. Too bad nobody told her face.”

“A lot of people don’t know this, but Rena gives guys ass-to-mouth. Just another Jew who can’t resist an ATM.”

Rena completely blows the first round, but at least her jokes are short. Jeanne makes a clean sweep out of the gate.

“Jeanne, you’re proving that you’re not just a sorta pretty face.” – Jason Sklar

“That was a great round. It was like the battle of the melted Barbies.” –  Jeff Ross

ROUND TWO

“Rena wanted to be a part of the Canadian Mountain Police, but nobody wanted to ride a horse with down syndrome.”

“Rena is a singer with a big range, but her voice sounds best in the key of “Duhhh…”

“Rena, I swear, the only original shit to ever come out of your mouth came out of Erik Marino’s asshole.”

The last joke got a huge reaction, after the first two jokes did merely decent.

“Jeanne, I like what you’re wearing, but I’m surprised you’re not wearing a T-shirt that says “I fucked the host and all I got was this shitty Roast Battle.”

“Jeanne looks like she face-swapped with her own pussy.”

“Jeanne could never run for president because she can’t carry anything to term.”

Round two is way more even with the Marino joke getting the biggest pop of the battle. That face-swap/pussy joke sounds quite familiar. I don’t want to throw any accusations around, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Rena went to the Melania Melanie Trump school of joke writing. No surprise, the judges give Rena the round.

“I think Rena should go first because that’s the least I can do for somebody that fucked Marino.” – Jeff Ross

ROUND THREE

“Jeanne’s so nice, the last time she got raped she made pancakes in the morning.”

“Rena, did it hurt when you got your head cut off for your cameo in the Godfather?”

“Jeanne doesn’t drink anymore because even alcohol got bored of being inside her.”

“Ya know, the rags in my wash and Rena’s face have a lot in common in that they’re both used to wipe up black men’s cum.”

“Guys, don’t be rude. Jeanne’s face just hasn’t chosen a gender yet.”

“Rena, is that lipstick on your teeth or is Marino’s asshole bleeding?”

Canada comes back from behind. The judges give the battle to Rena Hundert. It’s one too many horse jokes with that last one. Jeanne not only beat a dead horse, she beheaded it. Rena wins with better variety and joke placement strategy, though it is extremely close. So close Jeff Ross calls for a rematch after the Comedy Central dust has settled. Rena wins the battle, but she did fuck Erik Marino. So who’s the real winner here?

The show ends with cake, ice cream and singing for Coach T’s birthday, followed by a group photo in front of the shiny, new billboard on Sunset Boulevard. Hard to believe that in less than a week, the Western Hemisphere will know exactly how we roll. Tune in next week!

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