Drown in a World of Puke

Panic (requested)

Can you write something about (y/n) as a student and working hard and being stressed and has a mental breakdown. Harry is busy with recording and finally after few days of quietly observing her he decides to act on it and helps her relax?

Sure can, thanks so much for requesting! This was interesting because I haven’t really had a breakdown (except for one time, but that’s a different story;))             Anyway, I hope you enjoy!:)


Staring down at the endless piles of textbook and spreadsheets, you start to feel the tears brim in your eyes. You don’t know how you got to this point, but here you were once again, overcome with stress. Your hands were frantically pulling at the roots of your hair, as you tried to push away the tears, but only accomplishing to make them fall harder. You should just call Harry, he always knew how to calm you down, but there’s a small voice inside of you that says he’s too busy. He’s out filming Dunkirk, and has been away for a little while now. That was how it was going to be from now on; he was going to be away getting more and more famous and you would sit there trying your hardest not to fail school. Just goddamn school. He could have whoever he wanted, so why a stressed, anxious college student?

You knew your thoughts were getting out of control, but you couldn’t stop the storm inside of you. You suddenly start gripping pages of paper, and can feel your hands crumbling them up, but your mind isn’t registering anything. You see all the half-finished essays you’ve written, that hasn’t gotten anywhere, because you weren’t good enough; not good enough to even write a fucking essay for school.

And then you feel your breathing starting to become fast and unhealthy. You mind is foggy and it seems like the entire world is coming in like tidal waves trying to drown you. At this point you’re gasping for air, trying to stay above the waves of panic that are attacking you, and you feel as if you’re entire mind is weighing you down; drowning you. Your hands  are shaking and you’re gasping for breaths, when you push yourself up from the ground, running towards the backdoor, that leads into yours and Harry’s garden. Once you’re outside and the chilly night air hits you, you immediately feel a bit better, until you’re stomach turns an you know you’re going to puke. Searching frantically for a few seconds, you decide the best thing is the big bush just a few steps away. Just when you reach it, you empty your entire stomach and you’re left with nothing but complete fatigue, your limbs weighing down like bricks, as you walk into the kitchen to get something to clean the mess up with.

When it’s cleaned up you take a quick shower and hop into bed, feeling the cold mattress next to you where Harry’s supposed to be, and had you not been so tired tears would have been streaming down your face, but you just lay there in the deafening silence, staring at the empty place next to you.

A few days after the incident Harry comes home, and you decide not to tell him. He doesn’t need anything more to worry about, especially with the movie coming out, and starting his solo career. You can feel his intense stare on you as you sit across from each other eating the breakfast he’d prepared

You lay down the fork you were currently grabbing, smiling up at him. “Are you gonna tell me why you’re staring at me like that?” You say. You notice his chest heave heavily, meaning he just felt the need to take in a deep breath, before answering you.

“Yeh seem a little… off? Is everythin’ alrigh’, love? Yeh kno’ yeh can talk to me abou’ everythin’, righ’?” You want to confess to him right then and there  but you just force a smile, and shrug “yeah, it’s nothing you have to worry about, Harry” you say softly, but seeing his frown still covering his face in disbelief, you pick up his hand and bring it up to your lips whispering against his warm skin “It’s okay, love. Everything is great” and then you plant a small kiss on his knuckles, a forced smile on your lips.

Later that night you’re snuggled up against Harry, cuddled together in the heat from Harry and the blanket covering both of your bodies.  A film is playing in the background, which hasn’t managed to catch your attention, and apparently not Harry’s either. At one point your eyes drift over to the small table where you usually do your school work, and suddenly it comes rushing back to you. All the panic, and the stress, and the isolation. And then the blanket suddenly feels as if it’s strangling you, and you jump up, throwing the blanket off. Harry’s looking up at you with a worried expression covering his face, as your breaths are coming out small and ragged. Harry stands up and quietly walks over to you, and pulling you into a firm hug. You head is resting on his chest and you can feel his hands stroking you hair, instantly making your breaths calm down a little.

Your head is still against his chest when you whisper “Something happened while you were away, Harry” You pull away so that you’re looking up into his eyes “There was an incident a couple nights ago, where I had a breakdown of sorts. A mental breakdown” You say whispering the last part. Harry’s eyes widen in shock, and you know he feels guilty; you can feel it rushing through you like your minds are connected. Guilty that he wasn’t there. Guilty that he didn’t know.

“It was just with school, and exams, and you were gone, and I just… I just couldn’t stop it from happening, and I didn’t want to worry you” you say your eyes big, with tears glistening in them.

“y/n, love. I love yeh, alrigh’. I love yeh more than anythin’, an’ yeh can come to me about everythin’. Tha’s wha’ happens when you’re with someone. Your problems and worries become someone else’s problem too. I’m here here for yeh, no matter how far away from yeh I am, alrigh’? I love yeh, an’ nothin’s ever gonna change tha’, yeh understand tha’? Please don’ ever feel like yeh can’t talk to me about these things, okay?

Once he’s finished you let out a laugh that surprises the both of you. You laugh and you laugh and you laugh until it physically hurts, and even the you keep going. How could you have been so stupid, and feel like you couldn’t tell him? Of course you could. Harry would always be there for you, even if you were collapsing on the ground, sobbing in the middle of the night, stressing over school or other temporary things. He would let you cry and laugh, and he’d sit by your side holding your hand along the way. Along the whole goddamn way, no matter how messy it would become. Because that’s love; it’s giving up control, together. Even though you’re both scared, that just means it’s real; that it’s something worth holding onto. And God, Harry was worth holding onto with every fibre in your body.