Do the chickens have large talons.

A: I’ve been up since 4:45 this morning and have already cleaned the kitchen, made my kids breakfast, replaced the belt on my vacuum, puked up a 6 inch Subway sandwich, thanks a lot JARED, watched Napoleon Dynamite, gave a roundhouse kick to the face to the lunch lady who is embezzling my kids’ lunch money, and fixed the Keurig machine. Serenaded my kids through Wind Beneath my Wings, and donned my work out clothes. Badass doesn’t even begin to cover it. 

B: I hate that my first instinct when shit hits the fan is to apologize to the shit for the inconvenience. Like no the shit is the one that needs to apologize and clean itself up but no here I am wiping the fan with these clorox wipes pretend this wasn’t a euphemism how terrible is that image. 

C: 95% of me going to the gym is letting other people tell me how cute my workout clothes are and %5 getting in shape. I might be doing this wrong. 

D: The neighbor who runs the illegal beach body ring in her garage asked me this morning at the bus stop where I got my shoes at. Wouldn’t you like to know you WINGED SPAWN OF SATAN. I told her I got them at Fashion Bug. HAHA. We don’t mesh well. In case you didn’t pick up on that before. 

E. Mia asked me this morning if the reason I had kids was so I could ask them to do the things I didn’t feel like doing. I said yes. Sounded way better than mommy shacked up in a military barracks for 4 months and is lucky pregnant was the only thing she got. Huzzah!

F. I wish I had $1 for every person who asked me if I was cold every single time I leave my house like do you realize that through the months of April-September I produce enough sweat when I leave my house to filter the vodka out of it and save it for later? This weather is perfect and if you think I look cold now you should have seen me prancing my sexy ass down 5th Ave. in Anchorage AK in a mini skirt and Wet Seal teen Mom top in 5 below zero weather crying that nobody was ever going to love me.

That seems to be a trend with me…


I was tagged by @amazoniansiege​ Well hey there… thanks for the tag :) 

Name/nicknames: N (hey, whatever vague and slight anonymity I have on here, I’m gonna keep it in case I have any future regrets lol) 

Originally posted by montypythonfan

Tim. Just call me… Tim. 

Gender: Female (though I question what this even means anymore… especially in context of this whole dang site… but if you’re asking about my anatomy, I have XX chromosomes and my body was apparently made to push out babies and bleeds all over my valuables for a week once a month… which I am none too impressed about)

Height: 5'6"

Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Ilvermorny House: Thunder Bird 

Favorite colour: Slate grey; spruce green 

Time: 12:06 a.m. 

Last things I Googled: Kombucha culture; “buckle me trunions”; “come huddle with us”; how much spaghetti for 15 people; “do the chickens have large talons”; stalactites 

Number of blankets I sleep with: 2, or a duvet 

Favourite band/artists: I love music and I don’t pick favourites, but if I have to… Eivør; Lord Huron; Penny & Sparrow; Björk

Dream vacation: ICELAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! … and Faroe Islands… renting a truck, camping and backpacking, kayaking, taking ferries, checking out whales and puffins and waterfalls…. wearing sweaters and windbreakers, drinking hot tea out of a thermos, buying knitted mittens in little shops, having the wind in my face and dew in my hair and my lungs burning from running up hills so I can stare at the landscape with my Special Human beside me, feeling happy/sad because it’s so beautiful and also devastating…  Just… HELL YEAH TAKE ME THERE NOW (runners up: Scottish highlands; Mongolia) 

When did I make this blog: Like, 2 years ago? Maybe? I dunno. I changed my name a while back… 

How many blogs do I follow: 866 (I filter through regularly) 

What do I post about: Stuff I like… weird humour, nature, being a better person, health, recovery, photos that make me happy, things that make me think… It’s my blog. I do what I want. I blog the content I wanna see. 

Do you get asks on a regular basis: Regularly, no… I like questions though. Ask me crap. 

Aesthetics: how the crap would I know… why limit yourself like that 

Other Tumblrs: no 

Tagging: @jadefyre; @5goldandaparty; @the44th; @saltroll; @amy-unedited; @whatsthebeta Hey, I know these things are sometimes annoying, but if you’re looking for an excuse to procrastinate… congratulations lol  

Any seriously, anyone who wants to, consider yourself tagged. Go forth and waste time without shame! Blame it all on me. 

Do the chicken breasts have large talons?

 1. I neglected in my rant earlier to say that I am grateful for the free medical care I get. I should be thankful I don’t have to pay for useless advice. If I wanted to do that I’d call Dionne Warwick. 

2. 4 hours at a Dr. an ultrasound later the results are in. I’m fat and perfectly healthy. Super. I’ll send out invitations and invite everyone to a “Well that’s fucking obvious party.” Bring a veggie tray. No dip. I have to write down what I eat for 6 weeks and come back. I don’t know what he expects to find. 12 bricks of cream cheese for breakfast, a bottle of ranch for a snack. Deep fried butter for dinner. And diet coke for dessert. Piss off. 

3. End of the year graduation for 6th grade is next week and Mikey has to give a speech as one of 4 students excelling in “studies”. I hope his speech just says I never study and I play Xbox 2-4 hours a day and that’s how I maintain my perfect grades. Stick it to the man! I’m only annoyed he has to wear a suit. What is this Harvard? Expect a Dumb & Dumber suit with Charity as Lloyd. 

4. I bought myself a shirt today that says “You Can’t Sit With Us”. and I plan to wear it the entire summer even though I will be sitting by myself. I stand for 2 things, the national anthem and Vodka commercials. Over people and their double standards and hypocrisy. 

5. Speaking of things that I can’t even deal with my neighbor whom I detest now gets paid to work at the fitness center which I frequent. This is terrible news. I can’t stand seeing her for 2 minutes when we both stand at the bus stop to think she’s going to be handing me towels is more than I can be expected to live with. I will be switching to another closer exercise facility. Like my couch. Come On September. Let’s do this. Mama needs a new place to live and new surroundings to bitch about. 

Let’s not forget the legal bud. 

It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at a party but it is quite another to be fried all day.