the entirety of criminal minds season 3
  • *very confusing five minute intro* *no one actually knows what's about to go down until it happens* *doesn't change the fact that it's a fucking weird season for everyone involved*
  • *episode plays*
  • hotch:*there are more wrinkles by his eyes than hairs on his balding head* “since haley and i are divorced now if u mention her or any small child around me i will burst into tears and then proceed to punch u in the fucken mouth”
  • morgan:*is v pissed off at anyone who comes within a three mile radius of him or garcia* “thanks bby gurl honey goddess momma baby bear cutie patootie ily but if you do one more stupid thing i will flip all of ur computers upside down”
  • reid:*hair gets longer and somehow more enticing by the episode despite the camera never being on him* *rattles off slightly insignificant facts* “maybe it's a sign of remorse”
  • jj:*getting more badass by the episode yet her hair always seems perfectly untouched* "oh yeah aha i'm preggers btw :)”
  • garcia:*is actually an angel sent down from the heavens to watch over the team* *her heart is legitimately bigger than the universe itself* *still manages to have a different hairstyle every episode* “oh look at that. ive been impaled. by a bullet.”
  • prentiss:*is actually a cup of warm hot chocolate* *i'm not actually sure she exists* “reid i swear to everything high and mighty i will beat ur skinny white ass if you don't come back here right this instant you cANT SAVE EVERYONE COME H E R E”
  • rossi:*perpetually confused by everything that isn't human behavior* “what the hell is a PDA”
the entirety of criminal minds season 1
  • *two to three minute time frame to show a bitch gettin sliced tf up*
  • *episode plays*
  • hotch:*has a full head of hair* “it's in ur best interest to help us and if u don't i will sick gideon on u”
  • morgan:*is a smooth and flirty dark chocolate bar* “peNELOPY what is this THING also reid im gonna quietly protect you whenever i can bc ur a sweet cinnamon bun”
  • elle:*looks beautiful all the fucken time* “what did u see we can help u also don't make any sudden movements near me or i will Fuck You Up”
  • reid:*stats it tf up* “hotch u kick like a nine y/o girl also i get a gun pointed at me a lot”
  • jj:*doesn't age* “media shut the fUCK UP FOR TWO SECONDS I WILL PUT YALL ON A LEASH IF I HAVE TOO”
  • gideon:*is alive* *looks v confused in almost every scene* *looks into the distance broodingly* “well let's give him what he wants also im smarter than everyone in this room except maybe reid”

Don’t make me smack you in front of all these people.

the entirety of criminal minds season 2
  • *two to five minute intro scene to show slightly bad acting and a bitch gettin shot tf up* *still more intense than s1 could ever hope 2 be*
  • *episode plays*
  • hotch:*still has a full head of hair, surprisingly* “i don't get paid enough for this”
  • morgan:*abs abs abs abS ABS ABS AB S* *kicks down door* “garcia baby girl mama honey baby babe love of my life darling hot sexy goddess can u do something for me”
  • elle:*haircut* *kills a man but looks badass while doing it* “i will fuck u up with me bare hands don't even look at me like that m8 yOU WANNA FUCKING G O LETS GO BITCH U THOUGHT”
  • reid:*helpful yet slightly mind boggling fact* *is the best cream filled cupcake to ever exist* “hey wait what are u doing what no wAIT WAIT NO PLEASE NO STOP I DONT WANT THIS PLEASE DONT DO THIS I DONT WANT–”
  • jj:*is an actual cinnabon, 2 pure 4 this world* “all of u are my bitches also i control nearly everything you do so chill for a second”
  • gideon:*is going more bald on the back of his head by the episode* “what the fuck am i even here for what am i doing why am i like this i h8 my job–”
  • garcia:*is fabulous always* “morgan love of my life sweet hunk of dark chocolate honey baby lemme tell u a thing”
  • prentiss:“i don't trust any of yall fuckers”