the entirety of criminal minds season 3
  • *very confusing five minute intro* *no one actually knows what's about to go down until it happens* *doesn't change the fact that it's a fucking weird season for everyone involved*
  • *episode plays*
  • hotch:*there are more wrinkles by his eyes than hairs on his balding head* “since haley and i are divorced now if u mention her or any small child around me i will burst into tears and then proceed to punch u in the fucken mouth”
  • morgan:*is v pissed off at anyone who comes within a three mile radius of him or garcia* “thanks bby gurl honey goddess momma baby bear cutie patootie ily but if you do one more stupid thing i will flip all of ur computers upside down”
  • reid:*hair gets longer and somehow more enticing by the episode despite the camera never being on him* *rattles off slightly insignificant facts* “maybe it's a sign of remorse”
  • jj:*getting more badass by the episode yet her hair always seems perfectly untouched* "oh yeah aha i'm preggers btw :)”
  • garcia:*is actually an angel sent down from the heavens to watch over the team* *her heart is legitimately bigger than the universe itself* *still manages to have a different hairstyle every episode* “oh look at that. ive been impaled. by a bullet.”
  • prentiss:*is actually a cup of warm hot chocolate* *i'm not actually sure she exists* “reid i swear to everything high and mighty i will beat ur skinny white ass if you don't come back here right this instant you cANT SAVE EVERYONE COME H E R E”
  • rossi:*perpetually confused by everything that isn't human behavior* “what the hell is a PDA”
the entirety of criminal minds season 1
  • *two to three minute time frame to show a bitch gettin sliced tf up*
  • *episode plays*
  • hotch:*has a full head of hair* “it's in ur best interest to help us and if u don't i will sick gideon on u”
  • morgan:*is a smooth and flirty dark chocolate bar* “peNELOPY what is this THING also reid im gonna quietly protect you whenever i can bc ur a sweet cinnamon bun”
  • elle:*looks beautiful all the fucken time* “what did u see we can help u also don't make any sudden movements near me or i will Fuck You Up”
  • reid:*stats it tf up* “hotch u kick like a nine y/o girl also i get a gun pointed at me a lot”
  • jj:*doesn't age* “media shut the fUCK UP FOR TWO SECONDS I WILL PUT YALL ON A LEASH IF I HAVE TOO”
  • gideon:*is alive* *looks v confused in almost every scene* *looks into the distance broodingly* “well let's give him what he wants also im smarter than everyone in this room except maybe reid”
8

Don’t make me smack you in front of all these people.

the entirety of criminal minds season 2
  • *two to five minute intro scene to show slightly bad acting and a bitch gettin shot tf up* *still more intense than s1 could ever hope 2 be*
  • *episode plays*
  • hotch:*still has a full head of hair, surprisingly* “i don't get paid enough for this”
  • morgan:*abs abs abs abS ABS ABS AB S* *kicks down door* “garcia baby girl mama honey baby babe love of my life darling hot sexy goddess can u do something for me”
  • elle:*haircut* *kills a man but looks badass while doing it* “i will fuck u up with me bare hands don't even look at me like that m8 yOU WANNA FUCKING G O LETS GO BITCH U THOUGHT”
  • reid:*helpful yet slightly mind boggling fact* *is the best cream filled cupcake to ever exist* “hey wait what are u doing what no wAIT WAIT NO PLEASE NO STOP I DONT WANT THIS PLEASE DONT DO THIS I DONT WANT–”
  • jj:*is an actual cinnabon, 2 pure 4 this world* “all of u are my bitches also i control nearly everything you do so chill for a second”
  • gideon:*is going more bald on the back of his head by the episode* “what the fuck am i even here for what am i doing why am i like this i h8 my job–”
  • garcia:*is fabulous always* “morgan love of my life sweet hunk of dark chocolate honey baby lemme tell u a thing”
  • prentiss:“i don't trust any of yall fuckers”