nope, that isn’t the sound of me sobbing not at all 


I know this is old, but I hadn’t listened to it until a couple of days ago.

If you haven’t listened to it yet, you must. If you have, do it again 😂😂😂

No, there isn’t any information we don’t already know, it’s just HIS F***ING VOICE OVER THE PHONE!!

I had to listen to it twice just to actually pay attention to what he was saying. His voice! Jesus Christ, his voice!

Conflicted - Chapter 15: An Absurd Request

The cafeteria was eerily quiet at this time of morning, with the warming sun not long risen over the Sanctuary. Only the gentle noise in the distance disturbed the peace here, coming from the kitchen workers unpacking equipment and ingredients. I heard faint mumbles as they chatted and laughed amongst themselves, and for a moment I questioned how anyone might be happy here.

I hadn’t been able to sleep much last night after my episode with Dwight, and my stomach remained in turmoil this morning as I considered making such an absurd request of Negan; so I’d come down here early for peace and some sort of clarification. And coffee. The coffee was shit but it always helped, even if it couldn’t fix the world or make my decisions for me. That was all that was on my mind, the decision before me to approach Negan.

What would he ask of me? Perhaps it would be something degrading and humiliating for me, before all of his men as they sneered and watched. Or maybe he would make me fuck him like one of his little wives, catering to his every need for the rest of my stay here. What if he asked me to stay indefinitely? What if he asked me to kill the living for him? As question after question clouded my mind, one thing became apparent – that I’d made my decision to at least ask. I would try to strike a deal with Negan, and best case scenario I would walk out of this place in a few days with a crossbow in my hand, never looking back.  

I grabbed two nearby mugs and placed them before me, filling them with steaming hot, black coffee from the dispenser, before heading back out into the hallways and up the stairwells, back to Negan’s room. To my surprise, I returned to find Negan sat upright in his bed not long awakened. His hair was fluffed up and messy and his eyes a little hazy from that night’s sleep. Truth be told, I found something comforting about seeing him like this, as if in his most natural form. Right now, he wasn’t a leader or a killer, he was just a man like any other waking up to face the day before him. He rubbed his hands over his face paying attention to his coarse beard, before spying me in the doorway and allowing an endearing smile to consume his face.  

“What the fuck is this, room service?” he joked, as he nodded his head at the two coffee cups in my hands. For a moment my eyes were a little too consumed in flitting over his half naked body partially covered by the sheets, but then I moved towards him passing one of the drinks into his hands, and setting the other down on the nearby bedside table. I perched myself by his feet on the bed and looked across to him, struggling to meet his smile as my stomach fluttered with anxiety, and instead lowered my eyes to my hands.

“I need – I want, something from you Negan.”

Negan sipped his coffee before setting it down and reaching his arms out to me suddenly, his hands gripping my wrists before he pulled my body on top of his with ease. He held me close to him and I felt the heat radiating from his body to mine, as he flashed his gleaming teeth up at me with excitement.

“I knew it would only be a matter of time sweetheart,” he sneered, as his hand wrapped around the nape of my neck and ushered me in closer to him. But I was fast enough, and pushed myself away from him and climbed up from his body as I scoffed at his arrogance and audacity.

“For fuck’s sake, not that,” I huffed, but he simply laughed to himself in response as he raised from the bed and began clothing himself, first pulling on some fitted navy jeans, accompanied by a black checkered shirt with rolled up sleeves.

“Enlighten me then darlin’, what is it that you want from me?” he said as he pulled up the zipper on his jeans and turned to face me, now situated well away from him by his desk on the other side of the room.

“I want Dar- Dwight’s crossbow.” Negan raised an eyebrow and listened attentively. “The one he’s parading around the compound with. The one you took from us that night in the woods. It’s not his, it doesn’t belong to him. That’s what I want and I was hoping you could get it for me.”

“Huh. Well, that I was not fuckin’ expecting. But you seem to be a little confused here, you said that this crossbow isn’t his, that it doesn’t belong to Dwight. See, that’s where you lost me. Cause the way I see it, it very fuckin’ much is his. He fuckin’ earned it, didn’t he?”

“If by earned, you mean stole…” I snapped back at him, but was quickly interrupted.

“I don’t give a flying fuck what you think earning means. See the thing is darlin’, me and my men – we are very good at taking shit, especially shit that you may or may not think is our shit to take. But giving it back? That… well, that’s a different fucking story now isn’t it. We’re not so good at giving shit back. Especially not highly valuable weapons back to little girls so they can run home and please their fuckin’ boyfriends. We definitely do not do that shit.”

He looked positively astonished by my request and I couldn’t blame him. I could hardly believe I was stood before him, asking him this myself. Never mind the words that were about to come out of my mouth.

“I don’t expect you to just hand it over for free. We can make a deal.”

Negan chuckled again as he sipped his coffee, clearly finding this conversation more and more amusing. “A deal? That’s funny, doll. What do you even have to fucking offer me? Those knives you came here with? That doesn’t seem like a very fair trade if you ask me.”

“Not my knives, no.” I hesitated at first, but still managed to blurt out the words I would no doubt later regret. “Whatever you want from me. I can’t kill anyone for you, I won’t. But killing aside, that’s what I have to offer you. If you get me that crossbow, along with its ammo and I get to walk out of here with it in my arms and unharmed, I’ll give you whatever you want.”

At first he didn’t speak, but instead made his way over towards me and closed in on me. I felt the solid wooden desk press into me from behind as I was forced back into it, as Negan placed his hands either side of me on the desk and his body became uncomfortably close to my own. His eyes looked fired up with excitement and his trademark wicked smile washed over his face in an instant, clearly filled with delight from my offer.

“That… is a very interesting, but fucking dangerous deal to make, darlin’.”

I couldn’t breathe. What had I fucking said?!

His agenda quickly changed as he pulled his body back from me and walked back to sip his coffee that was more than likely now cold. He then reached out to grab his leather jacket from the nearby chairs, and Lucille who had been propped up in a corner awaiting her next assignment. I watched him getting ready to leave, feeling confused over what had just happened, or more accurately what hadn’t happened. Was that a yes? A no? Had he even heard me? Just as I opened my mouth to speak, I felt a sudden jolting sting from behind as Negan leaned in quickly and allowed his palm to firmly slap my right ass cheek, causing me to jump forward and yelp a little in shock.

Negan of course sniggered with delight. “Don’t worry darlin.’ I’ll think about it.” And with that, he opened up the doors that led out into the hallway and disappeared behind them, rendering me speechless.

I desperately tried to busy myself for the rest of the day, starting by joining the majority of the Saviours in the canteen for breakfast. The room was bustling with people and of course, the serving plates were bare by this point, leaving me with a small bowl of dried cereal to consume. I was relieved as James, one of Nathan’s friends, gestured me to his table and made a place for me to sit. He and the few others sat around me made small talk about the work they had set out for the day ahead of them, complaining about the workload and their good for nothing superiors; but I was somewhat absent from their conversations. My eyes scanned the room for any sight of either Negan or Dwight, looking for some sort of indication on what was going to happen next, but they were nowhere to be seen.

Throughout the day I continued to keep my eyes peeled for either one of them. I wandered aimlessly outdoors in between meal times, walking the perimeter of the compound countless times. I’d even returned to Negan’s room once or twice, ready with some sort of feeble excuse for my presence there should I run into him but again, he was not there. I was battling a constant frustration all day, desperate for some answers. Maybe he wouldn’t even ask Dwight – he clearly thought the idea of me walking out of here with that crossbow was downright laughable. Even if he did, he wouldn’t necessarily ask today. I still had a few days left here, he could draw this out as long as he wanted. Maybe he was biding his time as he thought long and hard about what he wanted from me.

This day felt longer than the rest, as if purposely dragged out to keep me in suspense. For the rest of the evening I sat in the common room on one of the sofas in the corner, flicking through a range of tattered magazines that were scattered around. Most were men’s fitness, tattoo or pornography based and it’s safe to say were less than appealing to me. It didn’t matter either way, as I flicked through the pages barely focusing on the content, eyes glancing upwards whenever someone entered or even passed the room. After some time, I heard heavy footsteps echoing down the hallway outside, and a familiar booming voice yelled out to someone.

“You better be fuckin’ ready tomorrow Anderson, I fuckin’ mean it.”

Finally. Negan’s voice faded away and I heard the nearby doors to the stairwell slam shut behind him, as he retreated upstairs to his quarters. I waited a good ten minutes or so before leaving to find him, not wanting him to think I’d been waiting on him all day. I’m sure he would love the idea of my entire day revolving around him. Plus, I was keen on avoiding any suspicion from the few remaining Saviours in the room, thinking I was running off to be with their fearless leader like some swooning pathetic damsel in distress.

When I did eventually make my way up the stairwells, along the long corridor and before Negan’s door, I felt nervous and frightened. Frightened of what I might find on the other side of this door, about the words we would exchange and whatever might follow. Adrenaline rushed through my body quickening my breath and making the hairs on my arms stand up. It took a moment to calm myself down before I turned the handle in front of me and entered the room. Negan was not immediately visible as I had expected, but instead in his en-suite running himself a shower judging from the sound of heavy water hitting tile.

I stepped forward in his direction, but froze on the spot as I passed the bed and something out of the corner of my eye drew my attention. There, upon the soft quilted sheets piled up over the mattress, lay my answer. I could hardly believe it. Daryl’s crossbow was right there. I gazed upon its strong metal body and moulded fibreglass bow with admiration. A both accurate and powerful weapon with a sleek design. I looked upon the weapon before me with overwhelming gratitude and admiration. This thing had saved me countless times and I owed it, and its rightful owner, my life.

I was suddenly snapped back to reality as Negan cleared his throat a little as he entered the room. His tall, domineering figure appeared in the doorway to the bathroom and he looked upon me with a sinful, impish grin.

Negan had actually gotten me what I had asked for.

And now… it was time to pay for it.