DO YOU EVER WANT TO CRY

Do you ever think about how Rhys, Cassian and Azriel all go to get rip roaringly drunk for like a week cos I do. Imagine the stupid shit these boys must be doing out there without anyone to supervise them. This includes falling off of chairs 2 seconds after sitting on them and then just laying down and either contemplating life or laughing their asses off there is no in between.

“Az I think I love you.”
“Whaaat” + dramatic gasp
“Rhys I think I love you too. Aw Cassian don’t cry we love you too come here.”

I want a fucking book on this.

father's day - evan hansen

@cananybodysea


He is seven years old. “Mommy,” he calls out. He sits patiently in the kitchen with his hands interlaced on the table.

“Yes, honey?” His blonde mother comes out, with a laptop clutched in her arms. It is a Friday morning, just before school starts, but she wants to start studying; she’s studying to be a paralegal.

“My teacher asked me yestherday why I can’t make a dad’s card.” His mother hears these words and immediately sets down her laptop on the table. It breaks her heart to tell him the truth but if she doesn’t tell the truth now, he’ll never trust her again. And that’s the worst thing that could ever happen to a mother like her.

“Sweetheart, do you remember the truck brought your daddy away?” Her voice cracks at the end of the sentence and there are tears in her eyes. She wipes at her eyes, not wanting to cry in front of her young son.

“I think so. That was in Febwuary, right?” She lets out a shaky breath and nods. Evan is her son’s name. Evan Hansen is his full name. He has a lisp and it make a lot of things much cuter when he spoke but she could tell it made it difficult for him. He isn’t a boy who was popular at school. In fact at the parent-teacher conferences in November of last year, his teacher was concerned for him, saying that he was ignored by the other boys and girls and seemed very introverted. She told his teacher that it was normal for him. “Mommy, do I have a daddy still?”

“You do, honey, but he doesn’t live with us anymore.” Heidi Hansen juggles too many things on her plate, but she still manages to barely keep her head above water. Almost drowning, but not quite.

“I know, mommy.” He stands up to give his mother a huge leg hug, he isn’t quite tall enough to hug her around the waist. Heidi predicts that he would probably be a late bloomer. “Can I still make him a card?” He tilts his head all the way back to make contact with his mother’s eyes. His mother’s eyes are like meadows of grass and wildflowers.

“Yes, sweetheart, of course.” A divorced mother like Heidi should feel resentment on father’s day, but all she feels is gratitude towards her beautiful, beautiful boy.


He is fourteen years old. He’s lived without a father for seven years and his mother has lived without a husband for the same amount of time. She’s done more than his father could have ever done for him, but as a teenager, Evan has become a little resentful towards his mother. His mom is wonderful to him, still working her best to become a paralegal after taking a break from classes. He feels cheated out of the typical father-son activities, and since his mother isn’t there for him most nights, he spends evenings sitting in his bedroom. He has never gotten the chance to play catch with his father, but as if he’d be interested in that. It wasn’t like his dad would ever enjoy bird watching or tree analyzing. At least he knows that his mom supports his solitary activity choices.

“Evan, can we have an optimistic outlook, huh?” Heidi Hansen is trying her best to show her son that she loves him. “I know it’s father’s day and all, but can we just try together? Do you not want to wish your dad a happy father’s day?” Sure, she is stretching to the end like a rubber band, acting as if she had to lie to her son. She does not need to lie, Evan knows that there’s no use in telling his so called dad a happy father’s day.

“Happy father’s day mom.” Evan is never usually this blunt, but he isn’t all for being his father’s son when his father is never there for him.

“Evan,” his mother purses her lips to seem annoyed and frustrated, but in her wrapped up mind, she’s not.

“I’m only saying the truth. Dad is never there for me. He gives me $20 for every birthday and Christmas. M-Mom, that’s all he does.” Evan tells her straight, almost without shaking up his words, except for the end. He sticks out his tongue while speaking since it takes his utmost effort to speak without a stumble.

“I’m sorry honey.” Heidi hugs her son, who is nearly as tall as her, give or take a few inches. Evan holds on tight, gripping his mother’s tee shirt in his balled up fists. “Honey, can you just talk to your dad? Just wish him a happy father’s day?” She cups his face in her hands. They look at each other and stare into the galaxies of the other’s eyes. “For me?”

“For you, and only you, mom.” Evan shows off a crooked half smile, a smile decorated in metal wires. “I can’t guarantee it’ll be a long conversation though.”

“As long as we’re trying together, I’ll be happy.”

The conversation with his dad lasts for two hours, with giggles and jokes about baseball gloves. Turns out that there was actually a lot in common with Evan and his dad that he never knew. It feels like Evan belonged with his dad.

After a month of consistent conversations, Evan asks his mom, “Can I see dad?”

“Out in Colorado?” Heidi speaks in disbelief. She knows that they’ve had conversations, but she knows it was unlike of her son’s dad to even be talking to Evan often. After all this time, seven years, Heidi knows that he doesn’t care. Maybe it’s just the failed marriage talk, but Heidi doesn’t want her son to get his hopes up, just like she did.

“Yeah, why, d-do you think it’s a bad idea?” Evan asks, he really doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into, but Heidi does.

“Honey, he has other children that you don’t know. You don’t mind?” His mother scrunchs her brows together.

“Now that you mention it…” Evan’s voice trails off into the silence, and his teeth find his bottom lip and he starts to gnaw on it. “I don’t know now…”

“Honey, I don’t want you to second guess yourself, but you do need to see the other side of it.” Heidi’s heart sinks to the bottom of her chest. Why does she have to become more and more blunt as her son grows older? Why doesn’t she empathize more with him? She doesn’t and she doesn’t know how to. She is just making this parenting thing up as she goes on and as Evan goes on. She’s afraid that Evan’s going to pick his dad over his mom, she’s afraid that Evan wants to stay there. “But the decision’s up to you and your dad, sweetie.”

“I, um, alright, I guess I’ll talk to him.”


Later that night, after all the day’s activities have finished, Heidi checks up on Evan, almost like to tuck him in, but not using those words since he’s older now.

“Evan, sweetheart, did you talk to your dad after I spoke to you?” Heidi speaks in soft whispers, taking a seat at the edge of his bed. Evan sits up straighter, setting his tattered copy of his favorite tree guide on his bedside table. She looks down and smooths out a ridge in his comforter before looking back at him.

Evan lets out a deep breath and says, “I didn’t.”  His mother was shocked to say the least. After all this talk about wanting to meet his father again and get closer to him, nothing?

“Because you’re the only parent I need. I’ve been living for seven years without one, I think I’m okay by now.” Evan smiles at his mom, and his mom’s heart soars out of her chest. She couldn’t have been prouder of her boy.

Seeing Kevin at Kcon!!

i was asked by a couple people to let you guys know how kcon went so i’ll do my best to relay my experience!!

so to start off, i was a dumbass and didn’t get there until like 9:30 because my flight got in late and i value my sleep. sooo i didn’t get very close to kevin(but, if you guys want, i can still post the sorta blurry pics i took??) but like BRO I STILL SAW KEVIN IN THE FLESH and he’s so small and cute omg he’s so adorable and hearing his voice in person was everything i’ve ever dreamed of i’m actually gonna cry thinking about it

anyway i was too busy having an aneurysm being so close to kevin that i missed a couple things he said, but here are some things i thought you guys would like to know:

-i’m not entirely sure how this came up but his favorite deodorant is something by dove
-he is a fan of CVS 😂
-loves pepperoni pizza
-twerking was mentioned multiple times
-a fandom name was discussed but i’m not sure if a decision was made? i know some things thrown around were angels, swangels, and wooers
-he said that his decision to pursue a solo career was “bittersweet” (cue me tearing up)
-he’s going on a reunion trip with ukiss soon (alright here come the waterworks)
-he did attend eli’s wedding
-he was sad he never got to go to prom and ended up asking some very lucky girl to prom
-he asked the audience questions and gave out signed hats
-some people (i think p5 ticket holders?? i might be wrong though) got to take pics with him
-HE WAVED AT ME BECAUSE I STOOD THERE SCREAMING AND WAVING AT HIM FOREVER AFTER PEOPLE WERE LEAVING AND THEN I SAW HIM LEAVING THE PANEL

overall, despite not getting super close/a photo with kevin, i had a really great time seeing him and hearing him answer people’s questions!! congrats to everyone who was noticed by or got a photo with kevin, there were so many kissmes there who deserved those things and i’m so freaking happy for them!! 💕

Have you ever just laid down and thought about how you have so many ‘friends’ but in actuality you have no one? It’s not like you wanna think about it but you do. and you start to cry but you don’t want anyone to hear you so you start to silent cry and it’s the most painful feeling because you wanna scream and let all your emotions out but you put your hand over your mouth, close your eyes, and lets the tears and your fears consume you.

You’ll touch my brother over my dead body.

You ever just think about how Taako’s death count was so low in comparison to the other boys? Do you ever think about why? 

the single most messed up i’ve ever been from a moment was when we were doing a book signing in a town called Bristol in England, and we met one really emotional mum - a sad mum. i mean anyone would just get slaughtered by that, there’s no way you can stand up to a sad mum, and she was just like “oh, my daughter or my son have had a really really tough year” but she was really emotional and crying and she was like “i just want to say thank you, everything’s been terrible. but just because they’ve been watching your videos, they’ve been smiling and having a good time”. that was the most real i’ve ever seen something and she was saying “it’s not like you’re Superman or you know..” but simply like - she just wanted to say “thank you. beacuse just by providing this light entertainment, you’ve been so helpful. i really appreciate that you’re just doing whatever the heck it is that you do” and it was that moment where i was like “i can’t complain about anything really” because even if i doubt like “how good is my content? why am i doing it? what’s the meaning of anything?” all of that doesn’t matter when you have that one mum saying “thank you”. despite what you think of what you do, purely because of it existing, you’re doing this really great thing - and that’s just stuck with me for a long time.
—  @danielhowell (at Playlist Live 2017)
How Dan and Phil probably broke up #37
  • Phil: *gets Dan a whisk for Christmas*
Hug Me (안아줘)
EXO (엑소) Chanyeol (찬열)
Hug Me (안아줘)

“그냥 날 안아줘 나를 좀 안아줘
아무 말 말고서 내게 달려와줘
외롭고 불안하기만 한 맘으로
이렇게 널 기다리고 있잖아”

“Just hug me, please hug me
Don’t say anything and just run to me
With a lonely and anxious heart
I’m just waiting for you like this”

Dear Self,

I know how you’ve been feeling today. Your life feels empty, and the sad truth is that you have nobody to blame for anything that’s happened . Unlike most people, you haven’t blamed yourself, because you know that you have done everything in your capacity to make things work, to make things happen. I know how ambitious you are, and you do everything you need to do to make your parents proud, to make them happy again. You have no one to share your pain with. Mainly since your pain isn’t because of some tragic accident or loss of life, neither is it because of a sappy breakup or a nasty flu.

But you can feel your true self breaking down a little bit more with every passing day. There’s so much you want to do and so much you want to achieve and you know that you have it in you, yet it’s always a dead end.

You look back in time and see a different version of yourself, someone you can’t recognize now. You have no idea how to define yourself any more. You were a social maniac and have always found yourself the most comfortable among people, lots and lots of people, friends, foes, family, strangers and you managed to plant a seed of memory into everyone you’ve ever met.

Now you’re uncomfortable to be around people, you repel even making a healthy eye contact with someone passing by. I know you aren’t scared or tense to interact with them - to ask how they’re doing, but you’ve lost the urge to make bonds anymore.

You’ve met all kinds of people, seen through each one of them but you’ve realized that no matter how well you know and understand them, you walk right into a boulder beyond which you cannot see, beyond which you know there’s a spot where all their weaknesses lie, and you peek between the brick walls and recoil back - you have seen the ugly side.

This side of them is nasty and no matter what is said or done following it, you’ve lost your trust, you just can’t go back to square one all over again. You know you can never be the same with them again. And as you walk away from them, you know they’ve taken off a small chunk out of you. These chunks total up to the whole of you and you lose yourself running away from them. You cannot risk losing anymore. So you walk alone, and everyday you die a little more.

You now focus on the few people you trust and you’d do anything for them. I know very well how greatly you suck at expressing your love towards these people, somehow you feel that if you reveal it to them you’ll lose the love you have for them, they’re eager and hope to hear it from you. Your family wants to hear you say that you love them. But you just cannot, because you’ve never learned how to. You’ve never told anyone confidently the way they show it movies, to confess love. You love them too much, it’s scary to say it out loud. But you show it in ways nobody ever does.

You have your own weird ways, only if they could listen. Only if they could listen when you scream at them and cry out of guilt the very next moment, when you swear at them now and internally curse yourself next, when you ignore them because you do not want to say you’re sorry, when you plan big to see them happy, when you struggle to smile even as you’re dying inside only so that they don’t sense your sadness.

You are scared to express that you are vulnerable and you are scared to admit that you are scared. You prefer to be an emotionless robot to them, because you’ll never be able to prove how much you really care. They distance themselves from you naturally, and again, you die a little bit inside.

But you know you’re amazing at being a lioness when you want to, your wounds make you stronger and that’s how you like seeing yourself - a lioness on the hunt. And you walk with all your pride as you walk by the people that you’d rather have by your side, again you die a little inside, yet you walk alone with all your pride.


Loads of Love,
Self.

- J.E.M
THE SIGNS AS THINGS I'VE SAID BEFORE
  • Aries: People hold hands? Psh I can't relate, I throw hands like a real man.
  • Taurus: [puts on fake glasses] It's time to read some hoes.
  • Gemini: Me actually liking someone? Sounds fake, I just like the validation that I'm not complete trash.
  • Cancer: I'm internally screaming right now because the one day I decide to wear makeup I keep crying. My eyelashes are clumping together and I cannot. I refuse.
  • Leo: Do you ever see the sun and you're like ... Man, I'd love to punch it because same. I want to punch the sun so hard. My only chance to be fist-kissed by a hottie.
  • Virgo: I feel bad that I don't recycle. I just can't be inspired to do it because I still feel terrible about life after doing so. [throws water bottle in recycling bin] Oh look, I still have depression!
  • Libra: I want to have a flowery aesthetic... I need a group of friends that are always willing to take pictures of frolicking through flower fields.
  • Scorpio: I love the fact that no one really knows anything about me, but it also makes me kind of sad at the same time. What is my legacy besides being the mysterious and hot one?
  • Sagittarius: The only person in this world who will never break my heart is education connection lady. She's still in 2009 singing about her education experience and I refuse to believe anything different.
  • Capricorn: I've spent 10 hours of my life listening to the education connection song. If I don't make it to college, then I may as well just die.
  • Aquarius: Other people around me are always like "I LOVE YOU! OMG, I LOVE YOU!" Meanwhile I'm just eating my imaginary popcorn thinking about how much I hate everyone.
  • Pisces: I'm eating five hour old chicken nuggets and I'm sad. I don't think I'll finish them... I have to throw them away... This is probably the worst thing I've ever done in my life.
MASSIVE ASK POST (+100)

1. favorite season?

2. prettiest thing u own?

3. do u prefer to be outside or inside?

4. furthest ever traveled?

5. what’s your aesthetic in 3 words?

6 favorite gemstone?

7 best thing about yourself, in your opinion

8 best thing about yourself, in other’s opinion

9 what’s your weirdest fear?

10 weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

11 go-to hiding place

12 favorite place in your house

13 earliest memory

14 do you believe in ghosts?

15 favorite sea creature?

16 cold showers or hot baths?

17 satin or lace?

18 gold or silver?

19 hoops or pearl earrings?

20 aesthetic song

21 top 5 songs

22 favorite time of the day?

23 favorite part of your body?

24 do you drink alcohol?

25 dream job from when u were a kid

26 messy or clean?

27 tea or coffee?

28 favorite book

29 zodiac sign?

30 extrovert or introvert?

31 celebrity crush?

32 early bird or night owl?

33 do you believe in love at first sight?

34 favorite book quote

35 three wishes you have  

36 do you believe in magic?

37 do you believe in soulmates?

38 zoo or aquarium?

39 cats or dogs?

40 how many languages do you speak?

41 how has your life changed from last year?

42 why do you have your name/url?

43 do you keep secrets? how well?

44 favorite animal

45 what is love to you?

46 future children name?

47 favorite color

48 favorite movie

49 cuddles or kisses?

50 if you could have any person in the world over for dinner, who would be?

51 someone to bring back from the dead

52 lipstick or lipgloss?

53 are you street smart or book smart?

54 your biggest strength

55 favorite sport

56 favorite drink?

57 favorite winter activity

58 last time you went abroad

59 favorite dessert

60 favorite artist

61 favorite singer/band

62 favorite dancing song

63 favorite crying song

64 do you wear glasses?

65 first thing you do when you wake up

66 how long do u usually sleep for?

67 one thing you lost and you want back

68 biggest fear

69 favorite carnival ride

70 do u have birthmarks or scars?

71 favorite childhood memory

72 what do u think about during a storm?

73 one word to describe your life?

74 craziest thing ever done

75 do u have piercings or tattoos?

76 favorite flower

77 do u have any pets?

78 describe your style

79 choose one thing to change about yourself

80 do u play any musical instruments?

81 if your life was a movie would it be a comedy, a rom-com, action film or drama?

82 do u prefer dark, dramatic makeup or natural makeup?

83 favorite perfume

84 biggest fandom

85 favorite YouTuber(s)

86 OTP

87 country, state where you were born

88 your parent’s name

89 favorite snack

90 pasta or pizza

91 pen or pencil

92 blue or black ink

93 paper books or electronic books? 

94 history or geography? 

95 pastel or neon

97  soap or body wash

98  conditioner, no conditioner, or 2 in 1 shampoo & conditioner

99 singing in the shower or not

100  listen to music while bathing or silence

101  blow dry, towel dry, or air dry your hair

102 morning or night showers?

4

I have been cursed blessed with neuyako!Karma

(click for better quality + captions)

They’re saps

When is enough, enough?
 When do you quit?
Quit trying, quit asking, quit wanting? 
Quit crying?
 Do you ever have that moment? 
Where it hits you?
 When it tells you, give up. 
You f*ckin’ lost,
 Move on.
 It’s over, leave it be.
That’s what I need to know.
When do I stop?
—  wordsbyt 

a message from women:
do you know what it’s like to be left alone in love?
do you know what it’s like to feel stuck in love?
do you know what it’s like to be too depressed?
do you know what it’s like to have to beg for
forever from a person who neglects your history?
do you what it’s like to lose everything?
do you know what it’s like to feel abandoned?
do you know what it’s like to wait?
do you know that i will never be too near or too far away?
honestly, i’m still waiting for closure.
i still question what this is— or what this was?
because i can’t help but hope
our feelings were mutual.
do you know how it feels to constantly chase
a feeling you’re addicted to?
do you know i’ve got the jones for you.
and an appetite. and a sweet tooth.
do you know i prayed for you?
from night ’til day.
regardless of my better judgement or dismay
time after time after promises
that never seemed impossible or too good to be TRUE.
do you know what it’s like to try
convincing yourself that— this was the truth.
like i was the woman created for you.
do you know how much i’ve craved you?
i’ve searched for you everywhere
in people, in prayer, in psalm.
in different lovers, in god.
and god— i, wish you really knew.
that i’d love you till death,
or that i’d kill for you.
or that i feel you, like soul deep, like
deeper than anyone ever will.
do you know what it’s like to feel dead inside
and see you so alive, still?

but these days i feel alive.
i’ve been able to realize
you just weren’t meant for me.
these days i don’t cry over
spilled milk.
or lost love
or things i have no control of.
these days i just love myself more.
i just know there’s a happily ever after.
these days i just — don’t see it with you.
nothing personal i think i just fell too quick for your potential.
i just wanted you to be the one.
i just thought we made sense
but now i love myself enough to know better..

—  Reyna Biddy
Get to know me a little better ASK Prompt.


1. What question do you hate answering?
2. If you could be anywhere in the world right now where would it be?
3. Do you have any obsessions right now?
4. Does anyone in your real life know you have a tumblr and do they follow you?
5. What is something you disliked about today?
6. What’s one thing that people compliment you on and you don’t know why they do that?
7. Do you like bubble baths?
8. Do you talk to yourself?
9. Are you a writer?
10. What are somethings you’ve written?
11. Has someone ever written something for you?
12. Have you ever gotten a love letter?
13. Favorite quote?
14. Name one book that you will always remember.
15. Name the top five things you spend the most time doing.
16. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
17. What’s the highest you’ve accomplished in school?
18. What do you do when you wake up?
19. Morning showers or night showers?
20. Beer or Wine?
21. inside or outdoors?
22. Morning or Night?
23. Summer or Winter?
24. Rain or Sun?
25. Ice-cream or Cookies?
26. Sweet or Salty?
27. What is your favorite beverage?
28. Has any one person ever made you so angry that you couldn’t forgive them?
29. Are you outgoing or shy?
30. Has someone ever made you cry?
31. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
32. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
33. Do you have a crush on anyone right now?
34. Does anyone have a crush on you?
35. Do you still talk to your first crush?
36. Name a person you love?
37. Ever broken someone’s heart?
38. Ever been heartbroken?
39. Do you ever want to get married?
40. Who are five people you find attractive?
41. What’s your dirtiest secret?
42. Has someone ever bought you a drink?
43. Have you ever gone home with someone you just met on a night out?
44. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
45. Why did your last relationship end?
46. Would you get back with the person you were last in a relationship with?
47. Have you recently made any big decisions?
48. What has been your most favorite moment of 2017?
49. What did you do on April 7th, 2017?
50. Are you excited for May 12th, 2017?