Let me explain why I love this picture so much. The day i took this picture - February 10th, 2016 - I relapsed after 4 years of no self harm. I was at school, I was sitting in the girls bathroom and I cried so hard my vision blurred for hours and I sat there hurting myself. For the sake of any of my followers who also suffer with mental disorders along the lines of my own, I’ll skip the details. After school, I had poetry slam. I was asked by one of my English teachers (and one of my favorite teachers) to recite a poem that I had wrote and she had loved. When I walked in and saw all those seats I started to panic and rushed to the bathroom to hurt myself again. But when I got there I did something else. I had put on lipstick, pulled out my cellphone and took a series of absolutely ridiculous selfies (this being favorite one) and I’ve never walked out feeling so good about myself before. I don’t know… Just the thought that that day was one of the ugly days of my life and I could end it the way I did makes me extremely proud of myself. Look at me! I’m too darn cute.
It’s been years since we’ve talked. You’ve moved on and you’re engaged to someone who I’m sure is great. And although I know that I no longer want to be with you, you continue to haunt my thoughts and dreams. Maybe it’s because we never got closure. Maybe it’s because we were meant to be in each others lives in some form. Or maybe it’s because when you left me, you left me so broken…even to this day. I’m not sure. And I’m also not sure that I will ever really know the answer to that.
I often think back to the time when we were young and in love. I really truly believe what we had was real. You were the first and last taste of love I’ve had in my 23 years of existence. Because of that, I’ll always carry a piece of you in my heart.
I take the blame for the beginning of the end of us. I began texting my ex boyfriend. It was completely innocent and friendly, but I hid it from you and that was wrong. The following three months only got worse and worse. You stopped trusting me, and I even think you might have stopped loving me. I’d take it back if I could.
Honestly, if I could go back to that first year and a half, I would jump back in a relationship with you immediately. We were great together. But once I messed up things only got worse, and I don’t want a part in who you’ve become ever again.
We broke up for about a year, and then right before I was about to move across the state for college, you asked me to be yours again. I was ecstatic. I felt like we were going to be able to go back to the old us and everything would be okay.
When you told me we were going to keep our relationship quiet at first, I didn’t think anything of it. I broke up with a guy to be with you, and I just thought you didn’t want to start trouble. When you didn’t kiss me, I just thought maybe you were taking it slow so we wouldn’t end up with our hearts broken.
And then my friend saw you in the grocery store with a girl. You said she was your cousin, but your friend told the truth. He said that she was your girlfriend visiting from out of state. It was my last weekend home, and I just wanted to spend it with you. Instead, I was home alone packing, crying, and trying to mend the pain that I felt from your betrayal before I had to put on a happy face and try to make new friends in a city where no one knew me.
Because I’m an idiot, I continued to let you in again and again. Every time you said you wanted us to be us again, I let it happen…but each time you just left me more and more broken. I continued to devote myself to you for another year and a half while continued to not give a shit. After the one night we spent together while I was visiting home, I realized you were dating someone, and I decided to begin to let it go. We fought a lot in the next couple months and it ended abruptly. We just stopped texting and calling each other out of nowhere. I don’t regret kicking you out of my life. You were poisonous and the things you did to me still mess with my head today, four years later.
I just want to know…Do I still haunt you? Do thoughts of what we used to have and who we used to be still pop in your mind from time to time? Does your fiancé know that you spent the night with me on that day you cancelled your date with her? Do you realize you’re getting married on our anniversary? Has our relationship left you as broken as it has left me?
Did you ever really love me?
Just know that I miss you and I wish we could be friends. I wish you the happiest marriage.
You light up the darkness like the candle from our tryst.
I pour my whole heart out for yours. I’d never felt heard until you. I’d never felt understood until you. I’d never felt accepted wholly until you. You make me believe in fairytales. I accept you, all flaws and follies. All pieces broke and whole. Unconditionally. Forever.