Cretan-bull

anonymous asked:

whoa ok step back, daedalus built a cow suit for a woman who wanted to fuck a bull and that's why the minotaur WAS A THING? I DID NOT KNOW THIS

I honestly think that I’d be doing you a great disservice if I didn’t tell you about the time Daedalus enabled rampant bestiality, so allow me to clear this gap in your knowledge. 

Anyone who doesn’t want to read a poorly retold myth about a man who built a cow suit so realistic that it totally fooled a magic bull into laying down some absolutely quality homo-bovine dick and siring a minotaur should probably press J on their keyboard right now, but honestly if that synopsis doesn’t do it for you then you should probably just quit Greek mythology all together.

So, Minos is this guy who manages to achieve the dual feat of being both King of Crete and an incorrigible asshole. Also, the first achievement is a really tenuous one, because Minos has like a billion brothers and he’s basically Malcolm in the Middle and all his brothers are better looking than him and they have way better abs and it’s really awkward every year at Christmas because they’re all “could you pass the stuffing, Minos? Also you’re totally stuffed because I’m going to be king one day haha suck it, right on” and so Minos starts to get really worried that he’s going to lose the throne to one of his more lustrous-locked brothers and then he’ll be stuck with just the one achievement of being an incorrigible asshole and so he has a little brood and he comes up with a plan. 

One day, he goes up to Poseidon, god of the sea and all things wet (or at least that’s what he tells girls at the Olympus nightclubs) and he’s like “hey, Poseidon, could you do me a solid?” and Poseidon is like “no bro but I can do you a liquid” and they have a little manly giggle and then Minos says “no but really, I need a favour” and Poseidon is like “well, you just gave me a golden opportunity to mock the states of matter, I’m 100% up for doing any favour you want” and Minos says “well, you know how I have loads of brothers” and Poseidon is like “you mean the better looking ones?” and Minos pouts and says “looks aren’t everything, but yes, those ones” and Poseidon is like “go on” and Minos says “well, I need them to stop trying to steal the throne because it’s getting really annoying and also I can’t sleep at night any more and it’s driving my hot wife insane, could you maybe show that you totally support me being King of Crete? That way, they’ll definitely stop being dicks at Christmas” and Poseidon just nods and says “I have a great idea for how I can do this”

and Minos is like “wow, are you going to send down an army of merpeople and slaughter all my brothers in a righteous and watery battle?” and Poseidon is like “no” and Minos says “are you going to conjure up a giant tidal wave and make it destroy all my brothers’ homes but leave my palace totally intact?” and Poseidon is like “no” and Minos says “well, are you going to turn all my brothers into mermen?” and Poseidon is like “look, I’m going to send you a bull”

and Minos just blinks and says “a bull” and Poseidon nods and grins and says “yes, a bull” and Minos says “THAT’S bull” and Poseidon points behind him and says “no, THAT’S a bull” and then he brings out this fucking phenomenal bull. Like, this bull puts all other bulls to shame. It’s glowing white and it’s as big as two ordinary bulls and probably twice as virile. It’s basically overcompensation in taurine form. Anyway, this bull is so bitchin’ that immediately, all of Minos’ brothers are like “wow, nope, you can keep that throne, we don’t want Poseidon to sic his sick bull on us” and basically Minos lives happily ever after with his incredible bull.

Until eventually Poseidon shows up at Minos’ palace and says “hey, Minos, you know that really awesome bull I lent you a while back?” and Minos is like “what bull” and Poseidon is like “the magical snow white bull which gleamed in the Cretan sun like limestone and Apollo’s cheekbones” and Minos is like “oh, THAT bull” and Poseidon is like “yes, that bull, now where is it because I’m having a bull party next week and I really want it back” and Minos says “well, here’s the thing, and it’s kind of a funny story really and I’m sure we’ll laugh about it later, maybe we could even laugh about it now, ha, but anyway all jokes aside I’m keeping the bull” and Poseidon is all “like fuck you’re keeping that bull, it’s my best bull, this is bullshit” and Minos is like “that’s one of the hazards of keeping a bull, maybe you’re not cut out for it” and Poseidon says “you haven’t heard the end of this, Minos, you have made a very powerful and watery enemy” and he leaves and Minos goes and, like, pets the bull or something, I don’t know what you do with bulls.

So, Poseidon goes back to his soggy lair and formulates a plan, and he eventually comes up with something straight out of Quentin Tarantino’s brie-induced nightmares. He goes to find Aphrodite, the goddess of love and afternoon delight, and says “hey Aphrodite, first of all you look delectable and secondly I need you to help me make a woman bang a bull” and Aphrodite is like “I honestly hate this job sometimes, but you’re right, I do look delectable, tell me more” and Poseidon is like “I had this really sweet bull and I lent it to Minos so he would think I liked him and now he won’t give it back and so I need you to make his wife fall in love with the bull, it’s a foolproof vengeance plan” and Aphrodite says “you are a god” and Poseidon says “yes” and Aphrodite says “why can’t you just, you know, take back the bull with your divine power?” and Poseidon is like “look, are you going to make this woman fall in love with the bull or not” and Aphrodite is like “fuck yes, that sounds hilarious, consider it done and I want front row seats” and Poseidon is like “you are my favourite niece and occasional lover, I owe you one”

Back to the palace at Crete, where Minos’ wife, Pasiphaë, is lounging about on a contemporary equivalent to a chaise-lounge when she suddenly gets this unmistakable urge to do the do with a bull - but not just any bull, her loins quiver only for the bull in her husband’s barnyard. Instead of doing what most people would do when they realise they have an insatiable urge to make tender love to a bull and immediately committing herself to months of therapy, she thinks “I know what I have to do” and she picks up the contemporary equivalent of a phone and calls Daedalus, inventor and architect extraordinaire.

She’s all “hey, Daedalus, we have patient confidentiality, right?” and Daedalus is like “I’m not your doctor, so no” and she’s like “well, I’m your Queen, so how about you say ‘yes’ instead and I tell you what I want?” and Daedalus is like “my lips are sealed, tell me what you need” and she’s all “well, there’s this really rad guy and I totally want to just lay him down and lick chocolate sauce off his body, but there’s a hitch in my plan” and Daedalus says “yeah, you’re married” and Pasiphaë says “yes, and also he’s a bull” and Daedalus is like “do you mean he’s well hung or” and Pasiphaë is like “look man you gotta help me on this, I need me some sweet bullocking and only you can help me” and Daedalus says “I’ll do what I can, but I hope you have a damn good shower at your palace because I may need to use it for about 6 weeks afterwards” and she’s like “done, now get over here and get me some”

So Daedalus turns up and helps her, and in the blink of an eye, he’s built her this monstrous wooden cow suit. Now, the myth is not exactly clear on the mechanics of this bovine sex toy, but it’s established that Pasiphaë gets into the cow suit and goes to find her bullock beau and they make sweet, sweet cattle love all day and all night. I do not know how she manoeuvres herself inside this wooden furry abomination and frankly I do not want to know, but whatever she does is 100% successful because 9 months later she gives birth to another furry abomination. The good news is that he’s a healthy, bouncing baby boy. The bad news is that he is half baby and half bull and also he has this really annoying habit that most newborns don’t have of eating people, which means that Minos is the definition of Not Impressed with his new stepson, so he does what any sane human would do in this situation, and he calls Daedalus. 

Daedalus says “I’m in the shower, what do you want?” and Minos is like “look, my wife has committed a slight indiscretion and I need you to take care of the result” and Daedalus is like “she fucked a bull and she’s had a grotesque hybrid baby, hasn’t she” and Minos narrows his eyes and says “how do you know?” and Daedalus says “just a stab in the dark, mate, I had no hand in this at all, literally none, just let me wash my hands a minute and I’ll be right back” and Minos is like “just build something to trap that devil spawn, because it’s started to eat my servants and I never even wanted a stepson anyway, it’s just one more claim to the throne isn’t it” and Daedalus is like “dude, give me a week and it’ll be done”

and so Daedalus constructs this impenetrable labyrinth that’s so impregnable that Daedalus nearly gets lost on the way out, and they lob the minotaur tot right into the middle of it, and that’s that.

Except then the minotaur starts demanding the sacrifice of seven young men every year, who are tossed into the labyrinth and forced to play a fatal game of cat and mouse with a grotesque superpowered man-bull creature that will ultimately devour them, flesh from bone, at the heart of a labyrinth that only he can navigate, but that’s a story for another myth. Or The Maze, starring Dylan O’Brien, out in a multiplex near you.

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Heracles grapples with the Cretan Bull, while a Siren watches from a branch above.  Tondo of a Laconian black-figure kylix, in the manner of the Arcesilas Painter; ca. 550 BCE.  Now in the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Photo credit: Claire H./Wikimedia Commons.

The Tale of Harecules Chapter 4: Hades’ Secret Weapon

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12454293/1/The-Tale-of-Harecules

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10670493/chapters/23619543

@trashasaurusrex @judylavernehopps @ryutolbx @hoppsforwilde


From that point forward, Judy was no longer just some bunny. She was a hero, the most beloved figure in all of Thebes. Merchants flocked to the city, selling merchandise by the barrel-load, and Judy, well she collected her royalties. Amphitryon and Alcmene never had to worry about making it to the market again, with Judy’s earnings easily sustaining their humble lifestyle. She built a massive home for herself in the wealthy district of Thebes, complete with a fully equipped training stadium. Finn stood by her side and managed her affairs, expertly navigating contractual agreements and her finances while Judy trained and overcame every obstacle placed in her path. And Hades, he refused to give up, sending creature after creature to try and dispose of the beloved bunny. But they couldn’t beat her. No beast, not the Nemean Lion, the gorgon, or the Cretan bull, could defeat her. As he watched Judy defeat each of his minions with ease, Hades grew angrier and more desperate, looking for any solution to his little problem.

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Legendary Creatures [C]

See the rest of the alphabet here.

THE SIGNS AS THE 12 HERCULEAN LABORS
  • Aries: Capture the golden hide of Artemis
  • Taurus: Capture the Cretan Bull
  • Gemini: Slay the 9-headed Hydra
  • Cancer: Obtain Geryon's cattle
  • Leo: Slay the Hermean Lion
  • Virgo: Clean the Augean stables in one day
  • Libra: Capture Cerberus alive
  • Scorpio: Steal Hippolyta's girdle
  • Sagittarius: Steal Hesperide's apples
  • Capricorn: Capture the Mares of Diomedes
  • Aquarius: Slay Stymphalian birds
  • Pisces: Capture Erymanthian boar
4

Printmaker & Artist:

Sustai Ulanbaagen

“Hercules and the Cretan Bull”

Hand Pulled Original Print on Japanese Paper

15" x 11" Inches 

Printed on Japanese Kozo Paper (Rice Tone)



“This is a most recently wood block print i made, it shows the scene when Hercules try to capture the Cretan bull, which is one of his 12 hero tasks.
I noticed when I am working on wood, I tend to over define the line work, and also the nature quality of woodcut is very even, plus together there is always a stiffness in my work. So for this image, I tried to keep some rough lines of the original drawing I made, and I drew directly on the panel, didn’t transfer the drawing onto it, so I kept some roughness of drawing instead of well designed neat woodcut line quality.
about the Chinese{or in Japanese Kanji (漢字) which is the same thing basically } title "赫氏扼牛圖”, directly translating will be : the picture of Hercules chocking the bull.“

3

Atlantis alphabet [ a - c ]

A is for Argo

Argo was the ship on which Jason and the Argonauts sailed from Iolcos to retrieve the Golden Fleece.

B is for Bull

In Greek mytholigy Bull has many meanings. I choose this: the Cretan Bull was the bull Pasiphaë fell in love with, giving birth to the Minotaur.

C is for Colchis.

Colchis was the home of Aeëtes, Medea, Golden Fleece, fire-breathing bulls Khalkotauroi and the destination of the Argonauts. Colchis is also thought to be the possible homeland of the Amazons.

The Cretan Bull.

So the Cretan Bull was the most beautiful bull anyone had ever seen, right? and I had to capture it and bring it back to Greece from Crete. So I went over to Crete and asked King Minos for his help in getting the bull, he refused, but said if I could capture the thing without any help he would let me take it. Well I did. So I swam on it’s back to Greece and handed it over to Eurystheus who tried to dedicate it to Hera, but the bitch didn’t like that so she set the damned thing free! I mean, c'mon!

5. AUGEAN STABLES:

humiliation tactics, sloughing through
the shit & the mud,

a broken baptism, the water
washing it all away

something like that,

something about time
for time’s sake

6. STYMPHALIAN BIRDS

a memory of us as children
watching a thousand birds
take flight, the murmuration

a language we happily
translated as anything but
a bad omen

today, their deadly heartache,
ancient augury, static imagine
in the sky pointing north,

a language of absence, your
face the only thing i see

7. CRETAN BULL:

your love - the china shop, me
leveling the town, ruination
incarnate, but i cannot move you

nothing remains intact, all the pieces
broken to begin with

you tell me i would never sacrifice
anything for you, shards on the floor
by my bloody feet

8. MARES OF DIOMEDES:

an unnatural diet of human flesh,
the dead boy eaten by the tires of the
car

another sad story on the news while
you held my hand idly, thinking about
how you were gonna leave me

—  12 LABOURS OF HERCULES pt 2 | agooduniverse

but WHAT IF what if ariadne reweaving her story, rewinding and repinning her hopes elsewhere. fuck theseus, dude’s going to be an ungrateful brat. so ariadne remakes the whole myth. smuggles the newborn minotaur out of her mother’s bedroom, washes the blood off it and croons to it all night (it never asked to be born this way). she disguises herself as a farmer’s daughter and hides away in the hills, raises the monsterchild in love and care and kindness. what makes a monster a monster anyway? it’s no wonder it was savage and vengeful and merciless by the time theseus got to it - wouldn’t you be if you’d all you’d ever known were the walls of an endless labyrinth and fear, fear, fear? but maybe if it had been given love and been told it was beautiful, not a monster; maybe it would have been ten and fond of flowers, twelve and always drinking so much milk it splashed white down its stomach, fourteen and bulking out but soft and clumsy with its size. sixteen and serious, eighteen and laughing as they return to the palace to lay claim to minos’ crown. eighty years old and no mention of an athenian boy called theseus to set their pulses fluttering in fear. dead in the ground and eternal in legend, the cretan princess and the bull-brother she saved from the coldest life imaginable.

2

Landscapes of mythology / The river Achelous: 

The river Achelous, in Eurytania. Achelous is the second longest river of Greece. Its significance had already been recognized in the antiquity with Homer portraying the river as the source of the world’s water, and as a deity predating Oceanus.

Hesiod portrayed the river god as the child of Tethys and Oceanus and the parent of the Sirens. Achelous is mostly known as the suitor of the princess Deianira, sister of Meleager and daughter of Oeneus. Heracles fought the god for the hand of Deianira by request of her deceased brother. Sophocles in Trachiniae (Women of Trachis) has Deianira recall the brutal fight, portraying eloquently the fear of a young woman over her helplessness in the clash of two equally monstrous forces.

Though the world of ancient greek myth usually takes place in arid wastelands in contemporary representations, the actual ancient Greeks, or more accurately the Mycenaeans, whose timeline provides the setting for most of ancient greek myths, lived in a world that constantly tried to minimize the intrusion of water. As the labours of Heracles testify, the mycenaean world was at constant war with rivers and lakes, in an effort to augment arable lands, and decrease the danger of disastrous floods, and illnesses.

The world of water is very often portrayed as hostile, dangerous, and contaminating. Heracles is a hero with an augmented relationship with water; The Lernaean Hydra, the Stymphalian Birds, the Augean Stables, the blocking of the Boeotian river Kephesos, his fight with Achelous and Nessus, the abduction of Hylas by the Nymphs, and even the Cretan bull and the murder of Geryon, are all stories revolving around the “quarrel” of the world of water with the world of the humans and the effort of human beings to dominate water. Heracles’ victories over water, also explain why he was favoured by the goddess Athena, a deity who constantly antagonized the world of water.