October 5, 2009
  1. Taught my mom how to text. Next up, teaching my dad how to love.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 95
  2. I like to shriek and brandish a trident while peeing in a mailbox. It keeps the weirdos away.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 93
  3. A Pennsylvania woman was mauled to death by her pet bear. But as Whoopi Goldberg points out, she wasn’t “mauled-mauled.”
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 85
  4. Andy Rooney hates email. I didn’t see that coming.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 80
  5. Every time you make an “Every time you X, God kills a kitten” joke, God laughs. He loves those.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 78
  6. “Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
    @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 78
  7. Gmail and Google Calendar let me keep my work-related stresses “in the cloud.” But I keep a backup copy in my neck and shoulder muscles.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 71
  8. Any meal eaten with a plastic fork comes with a free side order of sad.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 70
  9. Where I’m from, we prefer to call him Iggy Soda.
    @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 66
  10. That belt really highlights where your waist would be if you had any self control.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 64
  11. Ran out of baby formula, so I mixed pancake batter and barbeque sauce.

    Really considering the competitive cook-off circuit.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 59
  12. One of these days, our kids will realize we’re saddling them with massive debt. So let’s act now and raise the voting age.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58
  13. I made a voodoo doll of myself and now I can’t stop touching it ‘there’.
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 58
  14. We got kicked out of another nice restaurant for being 'uncivilized’. I suppose they expect us to drink each other’s urine out of a *glass*?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 57
  15. I’m peeing like a fire hose. In that I’m not peeing. Because a fire hose is an inanimate object that does not produce urine.

    You’re weird.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57
  16. [Insert Monday joke rectally. Remove Monday joke. Repeat.]
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  17. God enables comments on The Beatitudes:
    1. Mor lik “pure of FART”
    2. thx 4 teh add
    3. First!
    4. piece making = GAY
    5. Aramaic sux. Ron Paul!
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 54
  18. It’s a real shame when Underwear Drawer approaches zero, just as the Desire Not To Do Laundry reaches infinity.
    @GoNowGo (GoNowGo) – 52
  19. Give a man a fish and he eats for a day; give him a Literature degree and he’ll remind you Hemingway never saw The Old Man as a metaphor.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51
  20. The pen is mightier than the sword, unless you have some sort of nifty fountain or ballpoint sword. Even a felt tip or highlighter sword.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49
October 13, 2009
  1. If I pay for my wife’s implants, will I get visitation rights when we get divorced? I just want weekends and holidays.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 105
  2. The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he’s a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96
  3. The Miami helmet has a dolphin on it wearing a helmet with an M on it. That bothers me on many levels.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83
  4. My three year old just brought me a beer without me even asking, which TOTALLY makes up for the prior 1205 days that he didn’t.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 71
  5. I have an uncanny ability to steer clear of potentially awkward situations.

    I call it “clairvoidance”.
    @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 70
  6. Looking up at the stars, I feel so small, so insignificant. I guess I’ll go inside and make my kid shine my shoes.
    @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 67
  7. This weather is so disgusting I’m surprised it’s not at a party right now hanging all over Jon Gosselin.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61
  8. Someone on Twitter named her cat after me. This must be how John Stamos feels when a cat gets named “John Stamos.”
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 57
  9. I would refill the baby’s water dish, but it’s all the way in the kitchen and this couch doesn’t reach that far.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #4821747176 (?)
    @Trick_or_tweet (Unavailable) – 53
  11. Madam, if you can’t look happy buying a handle of generic vodka in your jammies at 3 in the afternoon, then maybe you need better vodka.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52
  12. JAVA DEV 1: This looks like SHIT.
    JAVA DEV 2: I know! Like a Java app.
    JD1: Hey!
    JD2: Really?
    JD1: No, no, you’re right; we make bad things.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50
  13. I can’t get a word in edgewise. Not that I have anything coherent to say anyway.

    At the dinner table, I’m a lot like the Democratic Party.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49
  14. I don’t have male pattern baldness, but looks can be receding.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49
  15. Obama and the Democrats are now sending so many emails, I half expect the next one to say “Hey, Joe, we added you to our mafia family…”
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 49
  16. Having a girlfriend really interferes with my natural ability to do everything the wrong way.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 49
  17. Sometimes nothing makes me feel better than spooning with my dog. Especially at times like this, when Mattress Warehouse is so crowded.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 48
  18. Somewhere there’s an ad agency brief for Jameson, and next to the words “Target Demographic,” there’s a picture of me in my underpants.
    @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 47
  19. And we’re married now so I won’t ever do that other thing ever again. Here, have some cufflinks.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 47
  20. Luckily for you, your breasts make it easy to overlook the fact that you completely lack a personality.
    @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 45
October 31, 2009
  1. Wanted a terrifying Halloween costume, so I’m going as a desert island that has nothing but an iPod filled with Nickelback.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 108
  2. My wife sure asks me to buy a lot of batteries.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 97
  3. As I argue with a six year old and a three year old over who farted, I realize this is exactly how I imagined fatherhood would be.
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 85
  4. Sometimes I don’t feel like being funny. But then the 3 yr old sticks a crayon up his butt and well, that shit won’t tweet itself.
    @FriedWords (Derek) – 82
  5. My neighbor’s leaf blowing has put me in the Halloween spirit. Where’s my chainsaw?
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64
  6. Watching my 5-year-old lift up her shirt and spin around in circles. I mean, “play soccer.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 64
  7. I’m going to the costume party as Jon Gosselin’s Dignity. Yep, not going.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64
  8. It’s never polite to lean over to the next table and ask, “Are you finished with that?” Especially to a guy breaking up with his girlfriend.
    @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 62
  9. It was a perfect combination of foul-mouth tendencies and poor listening skills that led my 3 year old to call my 6 year old a “bustard.”
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 57
  10. I love all you little girls in your little princess dresses.

    I mean, not LOOooOVE love.

    I mean, I’m happily married.

    Here’s your candy.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  11. The term ‘in labor’ sounds too noble and responsible. How about 'shitting forth yet more humanity onto an already teeming planet’?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 53
  12. Two Jedi walk into Ackbar.
    @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 51
  13. The last leaves have fallen off the tree in front of our house. Sad. They were just three days from retirement.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 47
  14. I’m concerned that I drink too much.

    The worry would keep me up at night, but I’m usually passed out drunk.
    @damselesque (Beth) – 46
  15. Not feeling great. I hope there isn’t something going around.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 45
  16. NEVER send a man out for Halloween candy. Seriously? Trail Mix? …I may have to egg my own house.
    @JeeNeeBee (Jeannie B) – 44
  17. The Prison Warden is unhappy with her new nickname, but she should have thought about that before she married me.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 43
  18. This Halloween, I’m going as a curmudgeon. “Halloween’s for children! I’m an adult and can pretty much buy myself candy whenever I want!”
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 43
    @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 41
  20. I’m from the South, I don’t have to say “fuck you” all I have to say is “bless your heart.”
    @Blue_Crab (Crab) – 41