Crabbe-and-Goyle

10

brooklyn nine-nine + hogwarts houses (more)

  • <p> <b><p></b> <b>Ron:</b> Why are you naked?<p/><b>Harry:</b> I don't have clothes.<p/><b>Ron:</b> *opens closet* You have shirts, pants, jackets, hi Draco, socks...<p/></p><p/></p>

I always felt Crabbe & Goyle got shortchanged by Rowling. She basically just used them for the stereotype “Bullies are big, dumb, & ugly kids”, which hasn’t been true for decades, where “big, dumb, & ugly kids” are likely to BE bullied. It would’ve been interesting if there was a point where Harry realized Crabbe and Goyle had more personality then he gave them credit for.

But can you imagine Draco Malfoy’s diary?

First Year

Potter rejected my offer of friendship so I’ve decided he is now my arch-nemesis. I hate him. Why doesn’t he like me?

Second Year

I made Potter think I opened the chamber of secrets so he’d pay more attention to me. It hasn’t worked but Crabbe and Goyle have been acting strange lately.

Third Year

A hippogriff attacked me. Granger punched me. And Potter hit me with a patronus. My father will hear about this. How can Potter cast a patronus anyway? He must be really good at

Fourth Year

I think Potter liked the Potter Stinks badges. He’s probably going to ask me to the Yule ball.

.

.

.

He asked a girl.

Fifth Year

Potter didn’t seem impressed by my prefect status so I joined the Inquisitorial Squad as well. So far, no comment.

What’s so good about Cho Chang anyway? 

Sixth Year

Ginny fucking Weasley. You’ve got to be kidding me. He’s supposed to be stalking me.

He’s supposed to have stopped me by now.

Seventh Year

I knew it was him. I knew.

I hope he wins.

Joys that Harry Potter Movie Only Fans will never know:

-How amazing Oliver Wood actually is OMG

-Dudley Dursley’s character development

-“ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?!”

-Minerva McGonagall, Quidditch Fanatic

-Luna Lovegood, Quidditch Commentator

-RON WEASLEY IS BRAVE.

-GINNY WEASLEY IS AMAZING

-Sirius and Crookshanks: Ultimate Bromance

-“Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry!”

-KREACHER’S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

-“I FELL IN THE LAKE!”

-Dean Thomas/Luna Lovegood Platonicship OMG

-Remus showing off Baby Photos

-Percy coming to his senses and finally making a joke

-“‘Probably trying to get rid of a Wrackspurt,’ said Harry, who recognized the symptoms.”

-Pigwidgeon

-Amnesiac Gilderoy Lockhart

-Dobby’s ever growing mismatched sock collection

-“FOR MASTER REGELUS!”

-Most of Tonks’s actual character

-Bill and Fleur’s actual relationship

-“ARE YOU A WIZARD OR NOT?!”

-Potterwatch

-Hermione’s growing political awareness and activism

-The entire school (-slytherins) standing to defend Harry from Pansy Parkinson

-100+ pages of backstory, 10x the character depth and development

Pains that Harry Potter Movie Only Fans will never know:

-“He was tiny in death”

-Molly Weasley’s boggart

-Meeting Neville’s parents

-Re-reading Prisoner of Azkaban and realizing that the nice man who helped Harry with his homework and gave him free sundaes dies in the sixth book.

-“He had no memory of being hugged like this, as though by a mother”

-Remus feeling so ashamed of being a werewolf that he thinks his family is better off without him

-Regulus Black’s full story

-Harry having to drag Percy away from Fred’s body

-Molly Weasley giving Harry a family heirloom for his 17th birthday

-Dean Thomas never knew his father, because he was a wizard and was killed by Death Eaters

-Peter Pettigrew didn’t even have the chance to redeem himself

-Frank Bryce was a war veteran who was blamed by his entire town for Voldemort’s crimes, and then Voldemort murdered him

-Harry not saying goodbye to Ron, Hermione, or Ginny, because he knows he won’t be strong enough to go through with it if he does

-“ ‘Does it hurt?’
The childish question had fallen from Harry’s lips before he could stop it.
‘Dying? Not at all,’ said Sirius. ‘Quicker and easier than falling asleep.’ ”

-The full story of Ariana and the Dumbledore family

-Winky’s entire existence, and all she suffers

-Andromeda Tonks losing her entire family

-“’NO!’
The scream was the more terrible because he had never expected or dreamed that Professor McGonagall could make such a sound.”

-100+ pages of backstory, 10x the character depth and development, over half of it leading to more pain and despair

Draco Malfoy Crush Headcanons

Masterlist


Gryffindor Reader


- Omg people would totally ship you two as the love/hate relationship and/or the sexual tension relationship

- Cliche, but start off as total rivals

- If you played Quiddich you would make it your top priority to always distract Draco

- Shameless teasing tho??

- “Hey Malfoy, nice ass”

- ///blushblushblush “Excuse me?!”

- “You heard me!”

- Shameless catcalling purposely in front of everyone including Snape and his friends

- But one day you are genuinely upset and on the verge of tears but you, being stubborn, refuse to cry in front of him

- “Didn’t you hear me?! Go away, Malfoy!”

- Offers you a handkerchief, an awkward hug, and sweets

- A messy, tear stained and shaky smile

- “Since when did you go soft, Malfoy?”

- “I should be asking you the same thing, (Last Name)

- So obviously you two are pretty close friends now

- He can basically trust you with anything so he comes to you when he has problems

- But both of you are extremely stubborn so usually the other person will have to confront the other about their notice in their change of attitude

- You having to confess first

- He’d totally try to confess but end up getting too nervous and backing away

- “Hey Malfoy, you be interested in going to Hogsmeade this weekend?”

-//smirksmirk “You wouldn’t be asking me out, would you?”

-”Pffftttt as if????”

- You totally were asking him out

- He said yes in the most teasing way with a signature smirk

- You were very proud of your relationship because there was no denying Draco was just hot

- But like he was a complete sweetie

- If you were sick he would always freak out and if he saw you were struggling in classes he would discreetly leave you his study notes in the most unexpected ways like “accidentally” mixing his 100% amazing notes up with your slightly pitiful ones

- And ugh he was just an amazing partner to have???


Slytherin Reader


- Not gonna lie you two were already friends

- Like you would gang up on people you shared a hatred for always

- Sometimes people would even avoid you two in fear of being completely roasted™

- It was like “o shit here they come rUN BITCH RUN N Y O O M

 - But no seriously you two would diss whoever and whatever if they got on your nerves 

- And obviously he would ask you to the Yule Ball

-“You’re asking me, Malfoy…?”

-“Of course. Who else would I ask? Parkinson?”

- And like whenever the two of you would enter the ballroom all eyes would immediately just turn to you two

- Because lets face it, the two of you could stop traffic 

- You would both sneak off after some stuff had died down in a dark and empty corridor 

- The two of you would just be chatting by a windowsill whenever out of nowhere he would just kiss you

- You were like talking about class or something and he would just press his lips against yours

- And you just melted

- Because you could feel how shaky and nervous he was

- But he was so gentle

- And omg you cuties

- Tbh no one is surprised when you enter the Great Hall hand in hand

- Blaise catcalls

- Pansy snarls

- Crabbe and Goyle don’t really care 

- But you and Draco are too absorbed in the little world that has formed around you to notice

Ravenclaw Reader

 

- The only reason he knew you is because you were the person who always just happened to score one or two points above him on every. single. assignment.

- Like he would be bragging in class about his grades when the teacher would speak up like 

-“Obviously I have the best test scores in here but that’s not surprise—“

-“aCTUALLY Mister Malfoy, Miss (Name) (Last Name) scored just one point above you…! So you’re wrong lol”

- And he would just be appalled

- And then he would basically track you down and discreetly ask about studying techniques

- And you’d just be like “So Mister “I scored one less point than someone” wants to hear about my studying techniques? I don’t think so, Second Place.”

- He’d do an unintentional dramatic gasp and like press an offended hand to his chest

- And you’d just walk away with the most smug smirk ever

- After that incident he’d badmouth you almost as much as he badmouthed Potter

- Almost

- Because after doing some “researching” (snooping) and learning more about you from observations and sources he’d find out that you’re actually really intriguing 

- And he might have had the smallest, tiniest crush on you

 - But he’d deny it of course

-the little bastard

- But like he actually finds the small things you do entertaining

- For example, he might have ‘accidentally’ showed up at the library every day you did and just happen to notice how you would play with your hair or doodle whenever you studied 

- One day, he discreetly bumped into you playing it off as he was too busy reading

- You decided not to tell him that his book was upside down

-“Oh, watch where you’re going… Anyways, if you’re here, mind helping me with this subject?”

-“Draco Malfoy? Asking for help? Who would have known?”

- But you did end up helping him 

- And after taking multiple deep breaths, he finally got the courage to ask you out

- And you told him “maybe if you can score higher than me on the next potions test”

-gUESS WHO STUDIED THEIR ASS OFF

-MALFOY DID


 Hufflepuff Reader

 - Tbh he had no idea who you were

 - And honestly he didn’t even care

- But that all changed when this happened

- So you were focusing on anything other than him while walking down the hallway,

- And accidentally you bump into him

- All of your stuff falls to the ground

- And he just shoots you a nasty glare and continues walking

- You are simply picking up your things when you hear “Lousy Hufflepuffs. Can’t do anything. No wonder that Diggory died. As if a Hufflepuff is brave enough to enter that tournament and come out alive.”

- You stop dead in your tracks. “What did you just say..?”

- He turns back to you with a scoff 

- You run up in front of him and get in his face. “What the hell did you just say?! Tell me!” 

-”I said that all of you Hufflepuffs are weak and pathetic. Diggory never had what it took to enter the-”

- But he was cut off by a punch to the face. His nose was bleeding

-”Don’t you ever start saying shit like that when you, yourself, will never be better than Cedric! At his worst, he is still better than you at your best. Maybe you should think about this before speaking unless you want to be bloodied by a “lousy” Hufflepuff again.”

- He is left in sh o ck

- From then on, whenever he sees you his entire face goes red and he hides himself

- Because maybe your courage and great left hook made him form a crush

-somehow

- He leaves a note on your desk which is from “your secret admirer” (cause he’s cheesy like that) telling you to meet him outside at night

- Your first reaction when you see him is not a positive one

- He explains that he only said that about Diggory is because he tries to look impressive in front of his friends (Which isn’t a lie) and that he sincerely apologizes and mourns for your House’s loss

- After some coaxing, he is forgiven 

- You sit and chat for a while and you are pleasantly surprised when you find out he’s actually pretty cool

-At the end of the night, he asks you on a date

- And with a hesitant yet bright smile, you accept

  • Draco: a little higher
  • Crabbe: i'm trying but-
  • Draco: HIGHER!
  • Crabbe: your shoe is digging into my palm!
  • Goyle: yeah, Draco, *struggles* you're a lot heavier than you used to be
  • Draco: *pauses and looks down, offended*
  • Draco: hang on. are you two calling me fat?
  • Crabbe: wha-
  • Goyle: course not! we just-
  • Theo: he's coming!
  • Draco: shit!! never mind. we'll talk about this later. get me up into the tree! hurry!
  • Draco: *gets situated in time to play it cool*
  • Harry:
  • Draco: WHY SO TENSE, POTTER?!
  • Harry:
  • Draco: >:(
  • Harry:
  • Draco: my father and i have a bet, you see...
  • Harry:
  • Draco: i don't think you're gonna last ten minutes in this tournament
  • Harry: *finally acknowledges Draco*
  • Draco: :D !
  • Harry: ...
  • Draco: *flirty ferret jumps down from the tree*
  • Draco: he disagrees. he thinks you won't last five!
  • Harry: i don't give a DAMN what your father thinks, Malfoy!
  • Draco: :O ????? wait.
  • Harry: he's vile, and cruel... and you're just pathetic.
  • Draco: pathetic?!
  • Harry: *walks away*
  • Draco: :( ?
  • Blaise: damn, dude
  • Pansy: well... there's always next time...
  • Draco: shut up! this is your fault!
  • Pansy: MY FAULT?!
  • Draco: YOU SAID IF I WOULD JUST ADMIT THAT I'M ACTUALLY ROOTING FOR HIM-
  • Pansy: TEN MINUTES, DRACO???
  • Draco: I FLAT OUT TOLD HIM TO HIS STUPID FACE HOW I BELIEVED IN HIM DOUBLE THE AMOUNT THAT MY FATHER WAGERED!!! WHAT MORE COULD HE POSSIBLY WANT FROM ME??? IT ISN'T MY FAULT HIS SKULL HAPPENS TO BE THICKER THAN HIS ARSE!!!
  • Crabbe: woah, what
  • Goyle: what
  • Theo: hold on
  • Blaise: back up
  • Moody: wtf lol
  • McGonagall: wasn't here. didn't hear anything.
  • Harry: wait, what
  • Draco: what
Hogwarts Class of 1998 Superlatives (No Voldemort AU)

Most Likely to Lead a Revolution: Hermione Granger

Most Likely to go to Bed With One Person and Wake Up with Another: Blaise Zabini

Most Likely to Secretly Be a Drug Dealer: Neville Longbottom

Most Likely to Use the Room of Requirement as a Kinky Sex Dungeon: Harry Potter & Draco Malfoy

Most Likely to Grow Up to be the World’s Best Dad: Ron Weasley

Most Likely to Get Punched in the Face: Ernie Macmillan

Most Likely to Fuck A Centaur: Lavender Brown & Parvati Patil

Most Likely to Forget Their Own First Names Because the Rest of Us Have: Crabbe & Goyle

Most Likely to Dose Somebody with Amortentia for a Night: Pansy Parkinson

Cutest Couple: Hermione Granger & Ron Weasley

Most Annoying Couple: Hermione Granger & Ron Weasley

Most Likely to be Mistaken for a Seventh Year: Luna Lovegood

Best Bitch Fight: Draco Malfoy & Ginny Weasley

Most Likely to Avoid Drawing Attention for Seven Entire Years: Mandy Brocklehurst

Best Evolution from Bromance to Romance: Dean Thomas & Seamus Finnegan 

Most Likely to Be a Bystander During an Important Event: Anyone in Hufflepuff

Most Likely to Secretly Write Homoerotic Fiction: Draco Malfoy

Most Likely to Have a Book Written About Him: Harry Potter

The Best Home Away From Home We Could Have Asked For: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  

🖤🏰🖤

(thanks to @l0vegl0wsinthedark for your help!)

Give me Sixth year Slytherins helping Draco in subtle ways

Give me Pansy Parkinson starting rumors about other students to take attention from Draco, so people are too busy talking about other things to notice how sick he looks

Give me Blaise Zabini always doing his prefect rounds near Myrtle’s bathroom, to keep other Prefects away in case Draco’s in there

Give me Theodore Nott finishing Draco’s homework for him when Draco is too stressed/busy to do it himself

Give me Vincent Crabbe casting silencing charms on Draco’s bed at night, in case he forgets and wakes up screaming

Give me Gregory Goyle taking food from the Great Hall and giving it to Draco in the Room of Requirement when Draco is too busy to eat

Give me Slytherins who know not to ask what Draco’s task is, because they know he can’t tell. Give me Slytherins who don’t comment on Draco’s long silences.

Give me Slytherins subtly helping Draco in Sixth year