I would like to remind you that the J'lock ship is HUGE, and that the majority of us J'lock shippers are *not* Conspiracists, are *not* assholes, and are *not* being nasty in the tags. Most of us believe in YSINMSATOK. Honestly, we think you’re pretty awesome.
Unfortunately, the loud minority in the J'lock ship is….loud. Honestly, to the rest of us it’s deeply embarrassing. Like the loud racist uncle and his loud racist wife that you have to deal with at thanksgiving. Yes, technically they’re related to you, but you really wish they weren’t and oh gods did he just really *say* that? Seriously? *attempts to slouch so far under the table that there is no chance you could be photographed with them*
I am doing what I can to provide a counter voice, but as someone who dislikes confrontation it’s not easy, and as someone without a huge follower count, I don’t know how effective it’s being. I’m at the point where I’m posting almost nothing but Warstan love (because seriously, I adore these two) just to make that clear.
Still - just as Trump is not my president, the Conspiracists are not my people, and just as I resent his election I resent that they seem to have become the default.
Actually maybe it’s more like the Bernie Bros/Jill Stein voters. To where I want to shout “Shut up!!! Yes, I agree with you on some basic fundamentals but 1) you’re wrong and 2) you are RUINING this thing for everyone else!!!”
But I digress.
If I may - next time they piss you off (which I’m afraid they will, sorry) and you need to vent about them being assholes (which they are, sorry) , please - consider using the term “Conspiracists” rather than “J'lockers.” This puts the rage back exactly where it belongs, and doesn’t paint those of us who are just here being cool with the same brush as those fuckheads.
I know this post is pretty “Not all…” and I understand why you might not want to go along with me on it. Still, please think about it. Reblog this if you like - I don’t mind disagreement or debate, as long as it’s mutually respectful. (See above dislike of confrontation)
Take care, y'all. May you each receive 23 new, awesome fics of each of your pairings, and may the new series not break anyone’s hearts too bad (except the Conspiracists, because fuck them.)
I’m working my way through Berlet and Lyons’ “Right-Wing Populism in America: Too Close for Comfort” (which is a really eye-opening book that I would strongly recommend) and there’s one interesting theme I keep noticing pop up. From Thomas Jefferson blaming Native attacks on the British, to Reconstruction-era Southerners blaming black unrest on radical Republican trouble-makers, to Henry Ford blaming black attempts at union organizing on Jewish manipulation, one constant motif in American racial politics is “treat[ing] people of color as passive beings manipulated from the outside” in service of “a classic conspiracist image: the plot by a power-hungry elite, controlling a primitive, violent horde, to dominate freedom-loving people.”
Think about how widespread that narrative is. Civil rights organizers are incited by communist “outside agitators.” “Race-hustlers” like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson traveling around and fomenting racial tension. Or, more recently, George Soros funding Black Lives Matter protests.
The narrative is everywhere, and it perfectly encapsulates some of the most critical features of right-wing populism: 1.) a conspiracism that “assigns tiny cabals of evildoers a superhuman power to control events,” 2.) a racial interpretation of producerist populism, wherein a middle class of white Americans is assaulted from different forces from both above and below, 3.) the employment of demonization and scapegoating, wherein “the hostility and grievances [regarding racial tensions] of an angry, frustrated group [white America] are directed away from the real causes of a social problem [white supremacy] onto a target group demonized as malevolent wrongdoers [those people of color involved in unrest ‘below’ and those pulling the strings ‘above’].”
Will’s family didn’t seem off to him until he began going to grade school
That’s when he realized most people don’t eat by catching fish with their bare hands, and can only hold their breath for a few minutes tops, not hours like him
Normal humans also don’t eat the entire fish? Including the bones? He always thought that was the best part though. Likes the crunch.
When he turned 6 his parents finally clued him in on what was up, at a very basic level though. They were what the government and conspiracist theorists named “North Eastern Beach Biters.” (NEBBs for short)
Usually inhabit ocean towns or forests in North Eastern America
Have been known to leave large sea animals half shredded and eaten on beaches (sharks, large fish, whales)
Short tempered, very dangerous
“Biters” comes from their teeth; very sharp, and a lot of them. Use them to shred their prey, or a human that got too close or pissed them off
Long tongues that loll out of their mouths when they’re getting ready to attack
Eyes that either glow or reflect light
This is debated mostly because some pictures only show their eyes “glowling” from the front, while other show them glowing from the side
Enhanced Sight, night vision
Incredibly fast and agile, especially in the water
Taller than your average human, usually ranges from 6-8 feet
Reports of gills on their neck exist as well
Some say they have webbed feet and hands and fingers that extend into claws (theorized that is what they use to shred their bigger prey)
(spoiler it’s still their teeth)
First encounter surviving incidents often come away with severe bite wounds that will become infected quickly, but survivors usually only have one bite.
Sometimes this happens in the water, and it’s a conspiracy whether it’s a shark bite or a Beach Biter bite. Happens enough where they were named after it.
There haven’t been many fatalities attributed to them, but ones that have been often have teeth marks on their bones that forensics aren’t able to identify
Will’s parents explain that while some of it is true (the teeth, the eyes, the skin to an extent, that they and their kind reside in the north east, that they sometimes eat large sea animals) and some of it is false (their eyes both glow and reflect light, it depends on how much time they’ve spent int he ocean recently, their kin actually reach 9 feet but they tend to live solely in the ocean once they’re that tall (only the larger have gills), they are pack/group beings)
But the important lesson from it, other than knowing his own anatomy, is that they aren’t human, they never will be, but they are trying their best to live among/aside them
They don’t explain that all when he’s 6, not all of it. He learns more and more about it over the next few years, how to hide his abnormalities and blend in well enough with the other kids.
They give him the option to either reject human civilization and live as a cryptid his entire life OR continue to live with his family, who are attempting to blend into society
Read more because this is gonna be LONG (which option will Dex choose ooooooo?????) ((Edit: so this is….. like…. over 4k just warning but theres angst and comfort so like, def worth it ;)))
I really wonder about the other divisions from Kingsman. Like, idk:
The handler division drawing popsicle sticks for whoever gets to be with Harry Hart for the mission because holy shit, has that dick ever heard about a term called ‘collateral damage’? And for fucks sakes, can that man just spare just one second to take their advice to not take the route with the most guards and not make a fucking noticeable like “HI I’M HERE” jubilee out of fallen bodies?
The coverup division slowly growing more daring into seeing how far they can troll the public like,
“Are you for fucking real, George? You really think the public is going to buy a story about how aliens caused these suspicious looking bomb radius circles that Lancelot made when he had to snuff out that mafia gang from the fields?”
“Shut the fuck up, Mary, what’s wrong with one more crop circle report to make the alien conspiracists and The Sun happy?”
The weapon design division making a reject pile of weapons that didn’t pass the bar.
“Well, John, while your rocket launcher/rifle hybrid is really efficient and the mini flamethrower is a nice touch, the whole weapon design is a bit…phallic and needs to go back to structural drawing board.
“But it works-.”
“John, think about it for a second here. Do you really want the Kingsmen, who seem to be like the coolest people on the planet, to really hold…a giant dick of a weapon when they storm the doors down. No. Make it look cool and gentlemanly like into a fuckin’ watch or something.”
There is an actual idiot bar test because most of the Kingsmen who are classist and old fashioned have no idea how to utilize the weapons’ technology to the fullest…or knocking themselves out first.
The old ‘can we add a flamethrower to this?” test
And the old ‘hey, let’s turn this classy looking everyday thing into a classy looking everyday weapon!’ test.
Tailor Andrew giving a pep talk to the most select group of tailor recruits before heading to work. “We fit the Kingsmen in the finest of cloth and armor without any questions. Really, without any question. Even if they seem…ah, a bit homosexual. Though I know it will be hard, please don’t look too deeply into the situation if two Kingsmen decide to share a fitting room together. It is exactly as it sounds and yes, they are most probably gay, and you will mentally scar yourself thinking about it too hard.”
The transportation division is divided over Eggsy—half worships him and his godly drifting/driving skills while the other half wishes for him to stop fucking running their cars into the ground every single fuckin time, they worked hard on that shit.
The research division spends a lot of time digging up personal gems in each Kingsman’s past for the giggles and occasionally slip old traumatizing middle school yearbook photos in mission debrief folders.
a.k.a. one of the few divisions who doesn’t put Harry Hart on a pedestal because really, no one would if they knew what Harry Hart thought fashion was back in 1976.
The tech department (Merlin) can be likened to a customer service department that works closely with every other division to ensure the Kingsman system flows smoothly. They hate themselves and everyone.
The catering (division?) that provides first class alcohol and meals suspects nothing and thinks that Kingsman is really a posh club for elitist assholes who pretend to be James Bond after a couple of drinks.
The thing that hurts me the worst is that we’ll always be seen as the crazy conspiracists who read too much into the show. Even though we didn’t. Even though it WAS actually there, this is how others will see us.
Here’s my two new OCs again with their regular shenanigans
as well as my older one putting up with them. I figured I should put these descriptions for
these two here too so my followers can get to know them a little better:
Dorothy is a short, spunky, and blunt dullahan. She has been
alive for a long time, even in supernatural terms, so she finds life to be too
predictable. Because of this, she tries to spice things up by adding her own
spin to stories by being a conspiracist, coming up with her own theories and
over complicating things like work. She always either avoids calling people by
their names or gives them outlandish nicknames which can also be a hassle. She
is slightly obsessed with trying to find aliens because the actual supernatural
stuff that she is surrounded by bores her to tears.
Theo is an upbeat and friendly
vampire. He was born in 1953 as a single child. He was bitten and turned into a
vampire at 23 and has been a vampire for 40 years. He worked as a photographer
in the 70s and unknowingly took a picture of a vampire that eventually led him
to discovering the supernatural around him as well as turning into one himself.
He was born with prosopagnosia so he enjoys working with others that are easier
to identify, such as the supernatural. He is always taking pictures, mostly of
people, to help him pick out details about the world around him. He is a hard
worker but has trouble identifying people which have led to a few problems at
work. He is also easily swept away into other people’s antics (aka Dorothy).